


Breakeven

by conn8d



Category: Grey's Anatomy
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-09-28
Updated: 2014-11-07
Packaged: 2017-12-27 20:29:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 123,300
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/983258
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/conn8d/pseuds/conn8d
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jackson doesn't give April a reason. When they come together again 10 years later, they both realize they have regrets. Can they get it right this time around? Spoilers for the S9 finale.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Hello again, friends! Here is that angsty Japril story I promised you. Now, I want to warn you all right now that this story has essentially all the elements of a Japril worst case scenario. It is angst and it is supposed to hurt a bit. But I promise you it will be a good and interesting read. Bear with me and come along for the ride! All will be revealed. Thank you so much for reading, and please feel free to let me know what you think!**

* * *

Harper Avery was dying.

Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow.

The legendary surgeon had made it to the ripe old age of 93, but he was on his last legs. Harper knew it and Jackson knew it. Catherine Avery knew it. As the three of them sat together in a hospice room, going over the final candidates for this year's Harper Avery Awards, he knew that they were all thinking the same thing. This was the last year they would vet the nominees together. All the board members and foundation members from various hospitals across the country had made their initial nominations and voted the candidates down to ten.

Of course, only five could win per year. Only five. The five best surgeons in the country for the year 2023. There were a lot of good candidates, and the final say was going to leave some of those excellent surgeons out of luck. Harper, Jackson, and Catherine were charged with choosing who was best. Which was far from easy. Not just because of Harper's declining health.

For Jackson, some of the difficulty also related to  _who_  exactly was nominated. That whole 'time heals all wounds' thing? Totally bogus. Especially when it came to your own mistakes. But he didn't like to dwell.

But of course, there were some mistakes he couldn't get out of his mind, no matter how much he wanted to.

_"Don't," Jackson groaned. He wasn't happy to see her. Not after the night he'd had. "Whatever's bugging you, just keep it to yourself, alright?"_

_April was standing in front of him, eyes wide, muscles taught, as her whole body rocked slightly. She was shifting from foot to foot, like a diver standing on the edge of a platform contemplating some distant pool below. And looking at him like...looking at him so intently that it was everything he could do not to flinch from the intensity. Instead he blinked._

_When April didn't respond to his words, Jackson lifted his eyebrows and a thumb in question. What was her deal? And how many times had Jackson asked himself that very question in exasperation over the past year? Even today. He'd watched her agree to some lame flashmob proposal from her boyfriend, and then she'd tried to beat him up. _He'd been in an explosion. His ribs hurt. He was tired.__

_Jackson really didn't have the energy to deal with the seesaw emotional whirlwind that was April Kepner right at this very moment. Or maybe any moment. He was tired. He was done._

_Finally, shoulders rising, and with a quick, audible inhale of breath, April spoke,_ _"I want you, Jackson. I want you."_

Words that should have changed everything. And they had, in a way. But looking back, the change was as far as it possibly could be from what he actually wanted. And at the time, he'd been so very wrong in his estimation of what he really wanted.

Jackson shook himself. Don't go there, man. Pinching the bridge of his nose, he turned his attention back to his mother and grandfather. They had a job to do. Over the years Jackson had been slowly brought into the fold of the Harper Avery Foundation. Getting his God damned legacy on.

It all started with the Foundation's purchase of Grey Sloan Memorial Hospital in Seattle back during his fellowship. He became the foundation's representative on the hospital board. His mother had forced him to essentially become everybody's freaking boss. Just what he always wanted. Not. But it wasn't like he could have said no. The hospital would have shut down if not for his mother's investment. And as far as he knew, Catherine had only brought the foundation in so that Jackson could begin to follow in the family footsteps. She pretended it was all about Richard Webber, and maybe it was, but Jackson knew that wasn't the whole thing.

He'd had no choice. Right? Jackson felt at peace with at least that part of things. He really felt that Grey Sloan deserved to stay in business.

The move had saved the hospital where Jackson had spent most of his residency, and a place that he had grown to love, but it had also marked the beginning of a huge change in the trajectory of his medical career. Because Catherine and Harper Avery kept buying hospitals in distress. And Jackson kept accepting board memberships. It was easier than putting his foot down.

Now, he was a fully active and important member of the Harper Avery Foundation, representing them on the boards of 6 hospitals on the western seaboard, including being based at Grey Sloan in Seattle. He was being an Avery, in a way he'd never relished, and at least it satisfied his family. He also had surgical privileges at all the hospitals whose boards he sat on. That was Harper's idea to sweeten the deal, since Jackson had never wanted to be on the board of any hospital in the first place.

Masterful planning on his grandfather's part.

Of course, having the privileges to operate at 6 of the leading hospitals on the west coast didn't actually mean that Jackson  _actually_  operated very often. He didn't. In fact, he was increasingly  _the_  face of the organization, flying around the country to represent it, picking up for his grandfather as the old man's health failed and his still vivacious but aging mother slowed down. When people thought of the Harper Avery foundation, they now thought of him.

Jackson hated it.

He didn't get to operate much. He was stressed all the time. He rarely had the time to work on his own projects. Jackson mostly just flew around from hospital to hospital, doing admin stuff, and giving lectures. He didn't get to teach one on one much either. Though, Jackson could admit that some of that was his own fault. He'd racked up a reputation with interns that made most chiefs of surgery think twice.

Stephanie was the first, but she wasn't the last.

Jackson wasn't exactly proud of the fact that he was  _that_  attending. The one male interns snickered and whispered about, while their female counter parts either avoided like a plague or threw themselves at to get ahead. In time he'd learned to be more discreet. None of it was serious, of course. Just fun for the very little that was worth. Something to take his mind of the myriad of mistakes he knew he'd made over the past decade. He needed the distractions on the one hand, but Jackson regretted it all.

_"When that bus exploded...I thought you were gone-"_

_April stopped short, pressing a hand to her mouth. Even in the darkened light, Jackson could see the ringlets forming on the damp tips of the hair ducked behind her ears._

_He repeated it again, more calmly, urging her to see reason. She'd made her choice already. Jackson had seen her do it along with everyone else at the freaking hospital. She'd accepted a proposal right in the ambulance bay. Right in front of his face._

_"You're getting married."_

_She pulled her hand back and looked at Jackson straight in the eyes, boring into him. Her gaze was hopeful, terrified, and pleading._

_"Unless you can give me a reason not to..."_

Jackson had a lot of regrets.

"And the oncologist from Hawaii? He might be a good pick...he's done far more research than you have Jackie," Harper wheezed, squinting down thick glasses at the tablet he held in one arthritis stricken hand. His brow furrowed when the screen remained unchanged. The old man was still sharp as a tack, but his body was beginning to fail him. Coordination wasn't easy. "Why can't I see his documentation?"

"Jackson, baby," Catherine's eyes lifted from behind her own tablet, stock full of resumes, patient histories, and nominee profiles. "Help your grandfather..."

Scowling, Jackson leaned forward and flicked the appropriate files. So this is forty? Grandfather still critical of everything he did, and his mother still bossing him around. Great.

"What do you say, Jackie?" Harper queried, pointing to the candidate again now that he could see the information. "Dr. Ben Akanu from Queen's Medical Center, Honolulu. Might add some geographic diversity, don't you think? That can't hurt at the awards gala. No one will accuse us of favoring Boston or New York."

Never mind the fact that Jackson and Catherine knew full well that Harper actually  _did_  prefer candidates from powerhouse hospitals of Boston and New York, like Mass Gen and St. Luke's. He legitimately thought they produced better surgeons, but he was a clever man. Brilliantly calculating exactly when the Foundation and the Awards needed to save face.

"I guess," Jackson shrugged, glancing through the man's research history. The doctor had spent a career pioneering a new cancer treatment, and had good patient survival statistics as a result. He was more than qualified.

"Then we all agree; he's a yes," his mother said definitively, nodding and skipping ahead to the next. Catherine beamed, eyes lifting from her tablet to observe Jackson with an expression that he could only call her 'meddling' look. "Look who is next, baby!"

The tight feeling in his gut told Jackson that he didn't even need to look. The next candidate was the one he'd been worried about all along.

It was  _her._

April.

Jackson tried not to think of April Kepner (correction: April Taylor) these days. It hurt too much. But not thinking about April was easier said than done. He could never forget about her, no matter how much easier that might be for him. And he was hard pressed to ignore her, given how alarmingly often she made some sort of appearance in his life, even years after their friendship had ended.

Sighing, Jackson quickly scanned the summary of information compiled for April's Harper Avery nomination. The second try had been the charm for April, and she'd passed her boards handily in June of 2013, despite all that had (or hadn't) happened between her and Jackson during Seattle's superstorm only weeks previous. And then she'd gone away to Cleveland for her fellowship.

Now, April was the Head of Trauma at Case Western Reserve. But she had also become the founder of a regional disaster response team that was well respected across the country. Her articles on trauma protocol were the next 'big thing' in University and medical school courses. Checklists and trauma training were essential when dealing with large scale disasters, like tornadoes, landslides, and floods. April had been on the scene of many major weather events in the past decade and she'd had a few scrapes with danger. She had made a career off of global warming and the increase of natural disasters in the Midwest.

It scared the hell out of Jackson.

For as much as they'd fallen out of touch over the years (which Jackson felt was as much his fault as hers and he couldn't blame her for keeping her distance really), he had of course kept track of April's career from a distance. Since he was no longer close to her personally, he could at least keep track of her professional life. He couldn't help himself. Any connection was better than none.

So Jackson kept his eyes and ears open. News reports, journal articles, and the like. And they still had many mutual friends. He'd gotten glimpses of her at conferences, and shared stilted awkward small talk at weddings. On the ten year anniversary of the hospital shooting he'd bumped into her visiting Reed and Charles graves. She'd been leaving just as he arrived.

On these occasions, he'd never been able to find the right words to talk about it all,  _them,_  the decline of their friendship, or his part in it either. Even so, Jackson knew that he and April were still undoubtedly connected, even though it hurt.

They kept coming together. Like the universe had it in for him. Like it wanted to rub all of the biggest mistakes he'd ever made in his face and laugh maniacally.

"A trauma surgeon?" Harper nearly sneered. "We've never given the Harper Avery Award to a trauma surgeon."

Jackson rolled his eyes at the sneer that occupied his grandfather's face. It was no secret that his grandfather favored some specialties more than others. He turned to face the old man, "Until 2 years ago, we never gave an award to a plastic surgeon either, but now we've done that."

The old man set his jaw and commented haughtily, "That's all your doing, not mine.  _I_  was out voted."

"Oh Harper," Catherine commented blithely, rolling her eyes.

That argument had not been a pleasant one. Jackson knew his grandfather had never really approved of his surgical specialty. He insinuated that the whole thing was about boob jobs, bimbos, and big bucks. Which Jackson had vehemently argued against. Long ago, Mark Sloan had taught him that the specialty had a much nobler purpose. One that in his mind was undoubtedly good enough to warrant a Harper Avery Award. And to his surprise, his mother had sided with him against Harper for that vote.

"At least plastic surgery in principle meets the standards of the Award," his grandfather continued. "The Award is designed to honor me and the values I upheld in my surgical career. Innovation and research. Invention. Precision. Trauma surgery is..."

Catherine crossed her arms defiantly, "Is what?"

"Is imprecise! Hacking and sewing as quickly as possible-"

"Grandpa! They save lives!" Jackson retorted.

"I don't dispute that they do," Harper answered, shifting in his bed and adjusting the oxygen line beneath his nose. "And I don't dispute that that is important. But trauma surgeons stitch people up and keep them alive long enough to make it upstairs to receive further treatment from some more gifted surgeon whose work  _should_  receive a Harper Avery."

"Grandpa that doesn't make an sense," Jackson challenged. "Trauma surgeons can be very gifted..."

Whatever reservations he might have about giving April a Harper Avery Award, they were purely personal and had nothing to do with his opinions on trauma surgery in general or April Kepner's abilities as a surgeon. He knew she was a great surgeon. He'd seen that first hand. The knot in Jackson's stomach came more from the knowledge that, if they gave it to her, he'd have to see April again in person at the awards gala. And not just in passing or accidentally as they had over the years.

The Harper Avery Awards Gala, like the Harper Avery himself, was no small deal. It was, in fact, one of the biggest events in the surgical field. Like the superbowl half time show in sports. Like the Oscars for acting. Or the White House correspondence dinner for journalists. Any surgeon who was anyone wanted to be there, even though only a select few could manage to get in.

By tradition the members of the Avery family always sat at the same table with the award winners and their guests, and spend most of the event with them. So there would be no way for Jackson to avoid the reality of everything that had happened between him and April.

_"You're getting married," Jackson said for a third time, scowling. His body ached and his nerves were frayed and he just couldn't fully comprehend what he was hearing. He was annoyed and he felt like he couldn't believe it._

_April was still standing there at the foot of his bed, staring at him. "Jackson..."_

_Jackson just couldn't focus on her face. Something inside him kept pulling him back to that afternoon, as he'd watched her expressions during Matthew's stupid proposal. She'd smiled and cried and let the tall paramedic lift her into the air, and Jackson had watched it all. His expression grew hard. He'd watched her say yes._

_"I'm sure soon enough Matthew will burn his ass again, and then you can stand in front of him and tell him you want him too."_

_Yes._

_He didn't really know why that actually surprised him as much as it did. Or why it bothered him as much as it did._ _Though Jackson knew that April and Matt had had their troubles recently, she'd said herself that she really liked the guy. Even if he was a doofus. Jackson had to admit that the paramedic seemed to offer April everything she wanted. Religion, marriage, flashmobs. Big romantic gestures._

_There really was no reason that April shouldn't marry Matthew. Was there?_

_Matthew could give April all the things Jackson couldn't. Maybe that's how it was supposed to be. If there was one thing they'd learned from the whole mess of the end of their sexual relationship, surely it was that they did not fit together easily, no matter how good it had felt._

_"No," April said earnestly, shaking her head vigorously sending tiny droplets of water off of the trips of her damp hair. "Listen, I didn't understand before, Jackson. I didn't understand how I felt. I want you; I think I always have wanted you."_

_Jackson opened his mouth but the words didn't come to him. He didn't exactly know what he wanted to say. On the one hand there was this big indescribable feeling in the pit of his stomach. A yawning gulf filled with hope and possibility and could be's. A trap door that opened, making him vulnerable. Giving in to the feeling would mean placing his feelings in the hands of someone else. It was a door Jackson didn't like to open. But it also was almost enough for him to say 'I want you too.'_

_Almost._

_He'd felt same sort of overwhelming opening feeling during the pregnancy scare, when he'd realized that he actually was 'in'._

_But look how that had worked out. April hadn't wanted him then, and now she was probably just having another freakout. And he couldn't handle hearing the realization or epiphany that Jackson was sure would come. About how them being together was a freaking car crash, or how it wasn't God approved and whatever else. Especially because Jackson knew he was not anything like Matt._

_She'd reject him eventually. It happened before and it wasn't a position Jackson was about to put himself in again. _You couldn't trust that a person wouldn't abandon you. Life had taught him that.__

_Exposing himself to pain? Screw that. He'd be better off, and April would too. Matthew was perfect for her. He wanted the same things she did. Jackson wasn't sure what he wanted, other than to sleep off his splitting headache and to avoid exposure to hurt. So what he had to say became very clear._

_Finally, Jackson set his jaw and snapped, "Y_ _ou can't have everything you want."_

_That was the one defining truth of Jackson's life. When he was little, he'd wanted his father to stay more than anything. But Warren Avery still left. Growing up, he'd wanted his dad to come back, even just for a visit, but that never happened. He'd spent his adolescence not wanting to deal with the legacy of being an Avery. But he couldn't escape it. And just last year, he'd wanted Mark to live, but his mentor had still died._

_"Jackson?" April tried again in desperation. Her body doubled over, and her face paled, like she was about to loose her dinner._

_He knew it was terrible, and it horrified Jackson to feel the way he did, but he actually found some sick satisfaction in watching. Like it was April's turn to know what it felt like to left behind. Like Jackson had when she didn't come to Joe's. Rejected, like Jackson had felt on that bench outside the hospital while she thanked god they didn't have to get married. Like it would be such a chore to be married to him, anyway. He was Jackson Avery. He was gorgeous. He was a good guy. He was an Avery. He could have any woman he wanted._

_Couldn't he?_

_Suddenly feeling guilty, Jackson's expression softened, "Look, April. I'm really tired and so are you. It's been a long night. You have a fiance waiting for you. Wanting you. So just leave me alone."_

_April's confused eyes widened, already filled with tears, "Jackson? Please, I'm not tired...I mean, I am, but I-that's not why...I'm sorry I didn't know before...and I just-"_

_Rambling. So her. It was almost enough to make him take it all back. Almost enough to make him give into the tug and pull of those uncomfortable feelings in his chest. The ones he didn't quite have a name for. The ones he was scared of. The ones that might lead to hurt._ _Jackson almost gave in._

_Almost but not quite._

_The risk was just too great. Jackson swallowed, watching with a heavy heart as April started to sob at the foot of his bed. He hated to make her cry, but it was the only way. This might be painful to them both, right now, but in the long run surely it would save them both from a bigger hurt. Matthew and April made more sense. They could work. Jackson knew he and April worked as friends._

_Yes, friendship was a safe bet. They'd push through the awkwardness somehow._

_He sighed, "Just go, April."_

At the time Jackson hadn't realized what he wanted. At the time he'd still thought that they could salvage some sort of friendship. At the time he'd been unable to give in to the feelings that terrified him. At the time he hadn't even known what they were. He'd been too late to realize so many things. And he'd missed so many opportunities.

If April won a Harper Avery, there would be no way for Jackson continue to avoid the reality that April really wasn't April Kepner anymore. She was April Taylor.

"Next thing you know we'll be honoring a plastic surgeon," Harper grumbled sarcastically.

Jackson lifted his gaze from April's picture and rolled his eyes, "We already have Grandpa..."

The old man crossed his arms and scoffed, "Ah, yes. I was trying to forget..."

"Well, with all the coverage of Dr. Taylor's trauma work this past summer during that big flood, giving her the award would be good PR for the foundation," Catherine argued.

Jackson smiled wistfully and looked down at April's image on the screen again. It was her Case Western Reserve ID photograph, so her expression was neutral, and lacked the dimpled smile he missed so dearly. He couldn't help but try to read the expression in her eyes. Was she happy? Did she miss him as much as he missed her? At nest he could say that she looked tired, but that could cover any number of emotions. Jackson hated that he couldn't tell which anymore. Once, he'd been able to read her like a book.

Now they might as well be strangers.

"All in favor of giving April the award, say aye," Catherine beamed. She held up one hand, "Aye."

Jackson laughed, and raised his hand, "Aye."

All issues aside, there was absolutely no way Jackson would deny April this opportunity. Nor could he deny himself the opportunity to see her again.

Harper, shook his head and fidgeted with his oxygen line, "Well, since I am already being out voted...it doesn't really matter how I vote."

Catherine shook her head, and chuckled, "No, it doesn't."

"Shows how much my opinion matters these days," the old man lamented grumpily.

"Don't mope," Catherine chastised, shaking her head at her father in law. "Besides you got your pick for 3 out of the 5." She turned to Jackson and nudged him gently. "Plus, Jackson did his residency with April Taylor. They were great friends."

He winced at his mother's use of the past tense. It was true but it still sucked. Catherine eyed her son suspiciously, and added, "Not that I know why you two had such a falling out-"

"Mom-" Jackson growled. For years, his mother had for the most part stuck to her promise to stay out of his private life. But it was clear that Catherine was still desperately curious. Although she'd kept in touch with April, and peppered Jackson with questions for years, it was clear that she really didn't know everything that had happened. He'd lied about everything, making it all seem as though he and April had simply drifted apart as their careers advanced. Jackson suspected his mother didn't buy his story, but she didn't push him as much as she once would have.

"Anyway," Catherine huffed, turned back to her father in law. "I still correspond with April from time to time. She's a good one, Harper honey. We know."

"Yeah," Jackson murmured, sighing. "She's a good one."

* * *

April was teaching when the email came.

She was standing in front of a room full of first year residents when she felt the buzzing of her phone in her lab coat pocket. And she knew. She just knew what it was.

"Mistakes can be your worst enemies in a trauma situation," she said, faltering only slightly at the vibration. "Everything is fluid, and you might not know exactly what injuries you are dealing with. It might even be a situation where the conditions around you are also pretty fluid and chaotic. You might be dealing with a storm situation, burns in fire conditions, exploding stomachs..."

That last comment make the residents in front of April gasp, and she nodded, "Oh, yeah. Actually happened. I'm not making this stuff up."

"Whoa," breathed a blacked haired woman in the front row. "How?"

"Liquid nitrogen in a drink, so next time you folks go out on the town, try to stay away from the drinks with smoke. Your stomach will thank you."

The class laughed and April reached her hand into her pocket, pulling out her phone and taking a peek at the screen. Sure enough, the email was from the Harper Avery Foundation. She'd known it. And it was fine. It was. That they hadn't picked her. She never expected to even be nominated for an award anyway.

Not being selected really wasn't the end of the world. April had learned that the hard way. Life went on, even when you weren't picked.

Clearing her throat, April returned her attention to the residents in front of her, "So, in trauma, you might often find yourself in some pretty distracting situations. This is when it can be tempting to skip steps, push ahead, and try to get things under control."

She squared her shoulders and looked out at the room of young faces. Some residents were eagerly watching her. Others were staring at her powerpoint. Still others had their heads bent down as they furiously scribbled down notes. Yet another set seemed to be tuning her out altogether. It took April back to the early days of her medical career. She'd have been the one taking copious notes. Back at Mercy West, she'd never been far from a notebook.

_The sound of snickering pulled April's attention away from her little red notebook. Reed was by her side, and Charles and Jackson were sitting in front of her laughing loudly at some inside joke as Dr. Norton droned on. Reed was getting frustrated. April was too. Their antics were practically interrupting the skills lab._

_"Shh!" April hissed quietly holding a finger to her lips._

_"Like that's going to work," Reed scowled sarcastically, taking matters literally into her own hands and leaning forward to smack both men in the back of the head._

_Charles moaned, "Ow."_

_"Hey!" Jackson demanded turning around, rubbing his neck. He didn't know who'd hit him, and he fixed his mesmerizing blue gaze on April, leaving her predictably flustered. He smirked when she quickly averted her gaze._

_Most of the time she could ignore the fact that he basically looked like a god on earth. She had to, because it wasn't like she was the only one to notice he was gorgeous. Any woman could see that. Any man could too. Probably even blind people could sense that. And it wasn't like April finding Jackson attractive would make a difference anyway. She was not the kind of girl he'd ever go after. He wouldn't even notice if she thought he was handsome. He wouldn't care._

_Guys like him didn't want girls like her._

_So she ignored his looks and tried to focus on being his friend. Mercy West was one of the first places where April felt like she really did have friends in Reed, Charles, and Jackson. It was a competitive friendship, yes. This was a residency program after all. And it had taken their little intern group a while to gel together. But they were friends._

_Charles turned around too, "What's that for?"_

_"You're being idiots, that's why," Reed explained calmly._

_"Loveable idiots," Charles replied offering the petite surgeon a toothy grin._

_"You wish." The corners of Reed's mouth curled upwards._

_April gasped, ducking her head as old Dr. Norton paused in his lecture and peered toward their space in the back of the room._

_"Guys be quiet!" she pleaded in as soft a whisper as she could manage._

_The old doctor resumed her lecture, and her three friends laughed. April sighed in relief and started clicking the top of her pen._

_"Relax, April," Jackson said, grinning catching her gaze once again, making her cheeks flush and heart skip a beat. "It's only a trauma skills lab. Not like any of us want to go trauma."_

Ha.

Those days seemed so long ago now. So very different than April's life these days. Life seemed so simple back then. Now, she was back in Ohio. Reed and Charles were dead. She missed them dearly. And Jackson was still in Seattle. She missed him too.

April wondered if he missed her as much. She wondered what he'd thought about her nomination for the Harper Avery Award. If he cared that she didn't get it. He had to know about it. She'd always hated not knowing what he was thinking.

Taking a deep breath, April pulled herself back to the present room of residents, continuing with the final portion of her lecture, "Even when you've done a procedure or an intake a thousands times, maybe especially when you are doing a procedure that is familiar, mistakes are so easy to make, and they can have catastrophic consequences. For that reason, knowing a checklist like the back of your hand, and utilizing it is essential to success in any of the trauma related specialties. If you flip to the back of your packets, you'll find the checklist we use in the ER here, and your job before your next trauma lab is to learn and memorize every single step on this list."

Mumbles and groans filled the room as the interns started to gather their possessions and return to their normal shifts. April could only smirk to herself, knowing just the sort of hands on lab that awaited them. She'd taken more than a few pages from her mentor Dr. Hunt's book, and expanded on it. The interns would need to know the checklist.

Watching as the last of the interns shuffled out of the room, April slipped her hand back into her pocket. She bit her lip, and considered reading the email. She didn't know why she was so hesitant. Getting nominated at all had stunned April, and she hadn't put much hope at all in the possibility of winning. For one thing, the award had never gone to a trauma surgeon before. For another, while April felt her work was important, she knew of at least a dozen other doctors across the country who were doing equally important work that might have longer lasting impacts on medicine. Saving a few people injured in a tornado, and potentially curing cancer were two very different things.

Her hesitation didn't come from knowing she wasn't selected.

However, April still couldn't bring herself to read the message. Bad news was only bad news if you checked your phone, April collected her things and made a b-line for her office. She had a few projects to update before she headed home. There was always enough work to manage to delay going home. The contents of her email from the Harper Avery Foundation could wait. Reaching her desk, April began to work, but with little progress. She just couldn't concentrate.

Everywhere April turned, she found a distraction. Pens she could organize. Files she could order. Family photographs she inexplicably wanted to move. Somehow the smiling faces of the farm and her family didn't inspire her to focus like it normally would. And none of her work offered her any distraction from the phone with the message that she was most definitely sure was burning a hole in her pocket.

Maybe her reluctance to open the letter wasn't about rejection at all. Perhaps it came from the fact that the message was, however obliquely,  _from_  Jackson. She knew he was more involved in the Harper Avery foundation than ever in the past. And maybe she wanted to hope that the message wasn't some generic 'you have not been selected', but something more personal. Maybe April wanted it to be from Jackson.

_April felt like the wind had been knocked out of her. She stumbled away from Jackson's room, doing her best to choke back tears as she stumbled through the hospital corridors. She make her way aimlessly through the busy wards, knowing that breaking down like this during an ongoing emergency was grossly neglectful for her job. But April also knew that she could be absolutely no good to anyone if a trauma came in right now, even if she wanted to help._

_Not after tonight._

_Tonight it felt like she'd had to take on a storm within her own body as well as the one raging outside. Now, all she wanted to do was curl up and hide. _To stop feeling, even for a moment._ If she made herself small enough, surely she could disappear._

_April rounded a corner, finding a quiet hallway. She backed up against the wall, sliding down to the floor and resting her head on her knees. And then the tears really came, hot and sputter inducing. She felt so stupid. What on earth had she even been thinking? April had just humiliated herself in front of one of the most important people in her life. She was such a fool._

All the times they'd run into each other since she'd moved back to Ohio were so brief. She knew it was wrong, but she always left those encounters wanting more.

But if she read the message, all her wishful thinking would disappear. April didn't even know if Jackson wanted to talk to her again. She didn't know if she could blame him.

April sighed, fingering the loose ring on her left hand. It had never quite fit properly, despite being refitted several times over the years. Probably God's way of going that extra mile to remind her that the life she had wasn't as perfect as it might appear. But, when you don't get picked, you had to carry on, right? Make the best of what you had? You had to pick yourself up and try to find a way to be happy. At least, as happy as you could be.

That's all she'd done really. Or tried to do, even if the plan was failing miserably. Surely, even God could forgive her for doing that.

 _"You can't have everything you want." She repeated Jackson's words to herself over and over again, finding no solace in the fact that he did have a point. Especially after everything that had happened between them._ _That had to be the lesson to be drawn from it all. Surely the universe wouldn't bring them together, and make April understand how she felt only for her to get her heart broken._ _She didn't think life could be that unjust._

_Getting over years of being afraid, and the months of uncertainty and confusion with Jackson, were all for not. Her fears were realized. April knew that as he friend, Jackson had feelings for her and cared about her. And maybe he didn't even regret being her first. But he didn't want her. He probably never did._

_Jackson didn't love April the way she loved him. As painful as it was to finally understand, she supposed the signs had been there all along. Jackson broke up with her, he moved on first, he even tried to help advise her on how to do things better with Matthew. The time they'd spend together meant something different to Jackson than it did to April._

_He cared about her, sure. They were close friends. But she was the one who'd pushed them beyond that. April was the one who kissed Jackson, and she was the one who'd hurt him, and she was the one who ruined what they had. Her mouth. Her crazy. Because of feelings she'd tried to bury since their first year at Mercy West._

_Guys like him didn't want girls like her._

_And it was bad, even though it had felt really really good, because April now understood that all those feelings that confused her. And it wasn't really about feeling guilty about having sex before she was married. Not 100%. Yes, she had felt intensely sinful for breaking her beliefs, but her confusion had come more from her continued willingness to bend those values for Jackson. She never understood why or how she'd ever let herself slip into that pattern._

_The unstoppable car crash pattern. The dessert pattern. And even potentially still falling into the pattern, even after Jackson broke up with her. If not for timely Karev interruptions. She'd never been able to understand why these things kept happening._

_It was only when April thought she was watching Jackson die, that she understood. The pull, a force as great and strong as gravity, had nothing to do with sin. April would have run into a burning bus to save him, and she had spared no second to pause and consider her own safety. Because it was Jackson and she loved him, and if there was a even the smallest chance that she could save him, April would have tried._

_She understood now that her heart wanted Jackson because she'd fallen in love with him. April understood now that she'd never been in love with anyone before._ _She hadn't been able to utter those words to Jackson directly, but it was probably for the best. She couldn't even quite process and verbalize in her own mind what her epiphany fully meant. How she felt was both clear and unclear. Knowing about her love didn't fix anything._

 _It only drove April to go to the room. To Jackson. And then her mouth had, as usual, spewed out perhaps far more than it should have._ _So she told him that she wanted him. Because she knew all that was true. That truth shifted her entire being. But for all the revelation meant to April, it didn't matter._

_Because, as Jackson said, "You can't have everything you want."_

_And_ _he'd said it with venom, which April knew was of her own making. She'd hurt him. She was complicated, and crazy and neurotic. Anything but fun. She was the problem. Always the problem._

_April lifted her head at the sound of footsteps heading her direction. She sighed when she recognized the figure. As if things weren't already enough of a mess._

April blinked, pulled back to the present as the phone in her pocket started to vibrate, this time with the urgency and frequency of a phone call, rather than an email. Carefully retrieving the phone from her pocket, April frowned when she saw Matthew's name on the caller ID. April swallowed, watching the screen light up. He had a habit of calling over inane though thoughtful reasons. What should we have for dinner? Do you need me to get your oil changed? What time do you think you'll get home?

Matthew was just trying to be a good husband. He was always, maddeningly, trying to be good. April didn't know why the calls irritated her. But they did. She pressed the ignore button and silenced the call.

_"Are you okay?" Matthew asked kindly._

_"No."_

_"We need to talk," Matthew said, with a deep frown._

_April stared tiredly out into the hallway. "I know we do."_

_Of course they needed to talk. Matthew had been there. He was the one who held her back from the burning bus. He was there when she'd unleashed her feelings on Jackson._ _He'd seen too much. April suspected she wasn't the only person to have an epiphany that night._

_"It was him, wasn't it?" the paramedic inquired solemnly, walking to wall and sliding down to the floor by April's side. "Jackson? He's the one you..."_

_April almost laughed. It was like it pained Matthew to ask her. So she quickly gave him an answer, "Yes."_

_Matthew's jaw grew tight and he clenched his fists, looking like he was working hard to take slow and even breaths, "You work with him every single day, April."_

_"Yeah," April answered shakily, using one hand to wipe her eyes._

_"You really care about him."_

_It was a statement not a question, but April still felt like she owed him some sort of answer. Because she was the problem for him too. It was her fault Matthew was involved with her mess._

_"Yes."_

_"Maybe even love him," Matt continued, making April swallow uncomfortably. "Huh? You sure didn't freak out like that when I got hurt."_

_"I know," April said thickly. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."_

_She sniffed, and fidgeted with the ring she had still pinned to her scrub top for safe keeping. Matthew remained silent._

_"I can't marry you, Matthew."_

_Again her mouth operated without much input from her brain, but for once April didn't cringe over it. As soon as she heard the words, she knew it was meant to be. This was the inevitable conclusion to this whole dreadful evening. How it had to be._

_Matthew laughed humorlessly, "What? So your leaving me for him?"_

_"No. That's not happening..."_

_That was true. Guys like Jackson didn't want girls like April. Guys like Matthew did. April just couldn't get on board. She unpinned the ring and pressed it into his hand._

_"I...I'm sorry. I care about you a lot, but..."_

_He took the ring, letting it slide into the center of his palm. Matthew turned his head and regarded April carefully, "You just don't feel the same way about me as you feel about him."_

_"I don't feel the same way about you as you feel about me. And that's not fair," April corrected._

_"But I love you," Matthew said desperately._

_"I don't...I don't..."_

_She didn't know if he did love her. Not the real her. Matthew didn't know her. He loved the idea of her._

_A pained expression filled Matthew's features, and she felt terrible. Here was a guy who'd offered her everything. Everything. He wanted to spend the rest of his lift with her. Making her happy. But April didn't feel the same way._

The call vanished, and April was again left with the flashing email from the Harper Avery foundation. She really needed to buck up and let go of her wishful thinking. So, she would not be getting an award. Nor would she be hearing from Jackson. Big deal. She was strong. She could handle it. She always did.

Honestly, she'd survived far worse than this both professionally and personally. It was a huge boon to even be nominated. And as for Jackson...well, she'd push him out of her mind, as she'd already done for many years.

Taking a deep breath, she leaned forward and opened the email from the Harper Avery Foundation.

_"This..." Matthew said slowly, licking his lips. He looked like he wanted to cry. "This is probably the most honest you've ever been with me, right? About how you really feel?"_

_April hung her head guiltily. She hadn't meant for this to happen. "I'm sorry. I don't mean to hurt you. I don't mean to hurt anyone. Lately that strategy hasn't exactly worked out, but...I never wanted to hurt you. I just didn't know..."_

_The answer sounded lame to April's ears, but Matthew seemed to accept it with a simple nod. He sighed deeply and gingerly rose to his feet. Tucking her engagement ring into his coat pocket, he smiled at her sadly._

_"I wish I knew you better, April," Matthew said as he turned to leave. "I wish you'd let me get to know you."_

April looked up from the phone slacked jawed. Life could surprise you. It really could. Just when you thought it was going one direction, the universe could suddenly jerk you into another.

Her brow furrowed and she glanced back down, eyes flicking back and forth as she read and reread the contents of her email from the Harper Avery Foundation. The sound of her phone ringing startled her, and this time April robotically answered without checking to see who it was.

"Hello?" Matthew's voice inquired when the line remained silent. "April, are you there?"

"Um...y-yes..." April found her voice. "Hi."

"Hey, just checking in." She could hear the smile in his voice, but the corners of her mouth remained firmly still. "So, I'm warming up this casserole you left for tonight, but I'm having trouble with the cook time...

He started to ramble on about temperatures and thaw times and April just couldn't take it all in.

"April?"

She must have missed a question somewhere. April opened her mouth and remembered the lines of email she had just read. It was impossible. Too good to be true.

"Yeah?"

The phone sounded muffled briefly, before Matthew asked, "Is everything, okay?"

"I-I...they picked me," April stammered. "They picked me."

It was unbelievable.

"They...meaning?" Matthew gasped. "Oh my goodness! Did you get it?"

For the first time since reading the email, April allowed herself to smile, "I did! I am getting a Harper Avery Award!"

Suddenly the whole thing seemed real. She placed the phone on speaker, and read the contents of the email to her husband, "Listen: On behalf of the Harper Avery Foundation we are pleased to inform you that you are a recipient of one of the 2023 National Awards. You are also cordially invited to receive this award in person at the annual Harper Avery Awards Gala in Boston..."

"That's-"

There was a hitch in Matthew's voice. April didn't need to ask him why. He knew that Jackson was one of  _those_ Avery's. The ones they'd likely see at any awards event. He always tried to be good, but April knew that he hated it when she and Jackson crossed paths. April couldn't really blame him. It was all her fault.

Matthew recovered quickly, "That's great. I knew you could to it."

She read through the rest of the message, neglecting to include the one personal addition that made her heart sing, small though it was. She left out the part at the end. The post script. From Jackson.

'Congratulations. Looking forward to seeing you. It's been too long. -Jackson'

Ten words. Probably added more out of courtesy than actual lingering affection. It wasn't even like what he'd said was all that personal. He'd probably have felt bad if he'd let her notification pass by without some sort of acknowledgement of their prior friendship. April knew she should not be as happy about that particular part of her message as she was, but she couldn't help it.

She missed Jackson.


	2. Chapter 2

The Harper Avery Awards Gala was in full swing, as guests began filling the large banquet hall of the swanky downtown Boston Ritz Carlton. Though the event was usually a lavish affair, Jackson knew that his grandfather had pulled out all the stops for the party this year. This dinner was likely his last chance to impress the medical field.

A last hurrah.

Gripping the handles of Harper's wheelchair and surveying the guests, Jackson couldn't help but think that perhaps the extent of the decorations were a little overboard. They were supposed to be here to honor the very best and brightest surgeons of the past year. Each recipient of the Harper Avery Award would be receiving a plaque, guaranteed publication in the leading journals of their specialty, as well as a grant from the foundation to continue doing their work. They also had the chance to celebrate and receive their honor surrounded by their peers and the people who loved them.

That made sense to Jackson. He couldn't really understand where ice sculptures fit in.

He frowned as he scanned the crowd, recognizing a few familiar figures from his Grey Sloan group of co-workers. There were Meredith Grey and Derek Shepherd at a far table near the beverage line, chatting easily with Alex and Jo Karev. Gushing over their kids no doubt. Zola, and Bailey, and Jessica. Tuck, Sofia, and all the rest. Always talking children. Seems like that's all his peers did these days.

Not that Jackson could join in.

Miranda Bailey and Callie Torres was in an animated conversation with some surgeons from Alvarado Hospital in San Diego, which was one of the other hospital's whose boards Jackson sat on. Near the band, Jackson spied Teddy Altman mingling with Arizona Robbins and a number of other military surgeons. Now there's a face he hadn't seen in a long time. It wasn't the long absent face he wanted to find in the crowd, however.

It seemed that April had yet to arrive.

"Jackie," Harper wheezed, noting the arrival of an older looking couple as they made their way to a table. "That's Gregory Baker..."

"Who is Gregory Baker?"

The old man shifted and turned up to glare at Jackson, "If you hadn't decided to waste your time in Plastics, you'd know that Gregory Baker's father Cryrus pioneered the small form pace maker back in the eighties."

Jackson rolled his eyes, but held his tongue.

Harper tapped the side of his wheelchair, "Take me to talk to him. As far as I know, he's still in the business. His father died a few years back. Now that man was a great surgeon. Always striving to expand the frontiers of the possible..."

Jackson tried to stop the groan from emanating in his throat, because he knew it was wrong to resent pushing his grandfather around. Harper was old, and certainly had fewer days ahead of him than behind. But it did feel like a bit of an imposition to be left carting the old man everywhere this particular evening, when Jackson had plenty of old friends of his own he wanted to connect with.

One old friend in particular.

He'd always hated these sorts of events. Where everyone there knew exactly who he was, and what accomplishments his grandfather, mother, and even his father had achieved in the field of medicine. Mingling was difficult. He always found it hard to be himself, because he never knew if the people at parties like this or anywhere even wanted to talk to Jackson himself.

It was a huge part of the reason Jackson had always kept his identity a closely guarded secret when he was younger.

_"Hey baby," Catherine practically purred, reaching out a gentle hand to pat his cheek._

_"What are you doing here?" _Jackson demanded in shock as he stood in the lobby of Mercy West, balancing a stack of intern scut charts. Beside him April Kepner struggled with her own stack, watching him with wide eyes.__

_"Is...is that Dr. Catherine Avery? As in...the first female president of the National Association of Urologists, Dr. Catherine Avery? As in Harper Avery's daughter in law, Dr. Catherine Avery?" April stammered._

_He set his jaw as his mother grinned, "Yes, dear. That's me."_

_"Whoa."_

_Great. It was clear that April was star struck because she was suddenly silent. Jackson hadn't known her for very long, but quiet Kepner was an unusual circumstance._ _This was definitely not supposed to be happening. He'd chosen to do his residency on a whole other side of the county, at what his grandfather considered one of the nation's most mediocre of surgical programs for the express and specific purpose of avoiding situations like this. He'd come to Mercy West to hide._

_Jackson glared, but remained silent, waiting for his mother to finish basking and answer his question._

_"That's no way to greet your mother."_

_Damn it. Damn it. Damn it._

_They were meant to be doing rounds but the arrival of Catherine Avery proved to be distraction enough. But, Jackson figured, only April had seen. Out of_ _all of his intern group, the mousy woman next to him would probably be easiest to coerce into silence. Having only started residency a month earlier, Jackson still didn't know all of his year very well. But he thought April Kepner was easy enough to read. Goody-two shoes. Know it all. Midwestern manners. Huge desire to impress. He could probably use that to his advantage in terms of damage control._

_"What are you doing here?" he repeated, making his mother sigh._

_"I have a meeting with Chief Watkins, honey. Maybe I can make sure you have a chance to shine. Among other things..."_

_"Why?" Jackson almost growled. He hated sounding like a whiner, but he also hated being taken off guard. Surprises in his life we never fun. "You can't just come here and bother me. This isn't Boston. And if you are even thinking about trying to convince the Chief to-"_

_"Oh, I wish you wouldn't be so touchy, Jackson. I'm only teasing you. Remember, nepotism is for the weak."_

_Jackson rolled his eyes._

_B_ _latant favoritism was always avoided by the Avery's, but Jackson knew first hand that they were not above 'back room' deals. Hadn't his grandfather gotten him a place residency program at Mass Gen, never mind the fact that it was a hospital to which Jackson had sent no applications? Avery's weren't above throwing their weight around to try to get what they wanted._

_Catherine glanced around the lobby, her gaze lingering curiously on the woman standing next to her son, before she continued. "Now, I don't want to keep you two babies from your work. Have a good day, Jackson. We can catch up later."_

_He scowled as his mother kissed his cheek and glided away from Jackson and April. He awkwardly looked down at his chart, wishing more than anything to just disappear._ _April's eyes darted from side to side, and she started walking, continuing the rounds that their encounter with his mother had interrupted._

_"Yeah...so...that's my mom," Jackson said quietly, as he matched her pace, unable to look her in the eye._

_"I got that. She's amazing! I've read a bunch of stuff she's-"_

_He didn't want to be rude or intimidating to April but word of this could most certainly not get out to the rest of the Mercy West intern group. He'd never live it down._

_Stepping in front of the petite surgeon, and preventing her from continuing down the hall, Jackson cut her off, "Listen, I don't want to put you in an awkward position, but I kind of need you not to act like you know who I really am an Avery."_

_"O-Oh..."_

_He stepped closer to her, "I swear, I got into this program fair and square-"_

_"I never said-"_

_"I'm not tying to get an unfair advantage or special treatment," Jackson pressed on determined to make April understand._

_"I didn't think you were-"_

_They were practically standing eye to eye, nearly touching and it was clear that April was getting flustered. Jackson knew he was having an effect on her. He usually avoided using his looks to get what he wanted, but these were desperate times._

_Jackson used the opportunity to drive the point home, and barter April's silence. He smiled and blinked slowly,_ _"People will think I called in special favors every time I earn OR time, so I need you to please just...keep this quiet, alright? I'll-I promise to trade you my next day off, and to take your spot for the next night shift."_

_"That's really not necessary," April held up her hand, swallowing hard and taking a small step back from Jackson. "I don't need you to switch shifts with me or...Just don't worry. I won't say anything."_

Carefully guiding the chair through well dressed guests, Jackson took his grandfather to the people he wanted to chat with. He stood back with a polite smile plastered to his face as his grandfather made small talk. He tried not to react to the subtle digs his grandfather managed to get in about his specialty, and lack of over all prominence in the medical community. Because it was kind of the truth. Jackson wasn't as famous or known a plastic surgeon as Mark Sloan had been.

Sure, he was a big deal in terms of being a hospital administrator.

But that wasn't exactly a position he obtained because of skill. He was a board member because he was an Avery. And no matter how good a leader he became, people would always see him as an Avery.

Most people anyway.

_"I get it. I do."_

_He was puzzled, "You do?"_

_"Well," she fumbled, seemingly pausing to think before launching into a ramble._ _"Uhhh...I mean-I don't...no one in my family is famous or anything...and, but-_ _I have 3 three sisters. And I grew up in Moline and like 12 people live there, okay more than 12, but it's pretty small. I had three sisters and we all went to the same school. Everyone knows you're a Kepner, and then compares you to the rest and it's...Family's important, but I know how wonderful it feels when you strike out on your own, and people aren't assuming they know everything about you..."_

_Jackson held his hands behind his back, watching her intently as she faltered. April's response to finding out his legacy was a complete 180 from the reactions of his friends in the past. At Harvard, the other medical students had all clamored for him to introduce them to his family and get them on the fact track to mentorship and networking and all that crap. In a matter of days, he'd been stuck worrying whether or not his friends actually wanted to hang out with Jackson for himself, or of they just wanted to be friends with Harper Avery's grandson._

_He'd learned not to trust any of them._

_Up until this point, Jackson had largely dismissed April. She was smart, small, and a little annoying. A blip on his radar among his intern cohort. Potential competition, but without much bite. But now Jackson had to change his tune. Maybe he could trust her. A little bit anyway. Because she kind of understood this._

_"What I mean is..." April continued. "I do get it. You don't want to be judged. S-so, if you're not ready for people to know, I won't say anything. This can stay between me and you. I promise."_

__A_ _slow smile spread on Jackson's face, "_ Thanks."_

Trust was never easy for Jackson. Even with April. But at the end of the day, as far as he knew, she'd never told anyone at Mercy West or Seattle Grace that she knew about his family legacy.

"Avery!" Cristina Yang waved from the other side of the room as she caught sight of Jackson and his grandfather, and headed their way.

"Oh Christ..." Harper murmured, making Jackson smile.

Cristina's fangirl attitude toward his father had faded somewhat over the years, but Jackson knew that it still got on the old man's nerves. Much to his coworker's dismay, their very first meeting set the lasting tone for Cristina's relationship with Harper Avery. Grinning deviously, he maneuvered the man's chair to meet up with the cardio surgeon. If he had to suffer through his grandfather, he may as well have the old man suffer a bit too.

"Jackie, what are you-"

"Hey Yang," Jackson said brightly, cutting of his grandfather and coming to a stop in front of Cristina. "Glad you could make it. So is Grandpa."

The man winced and smiled politely, "Quite."

Jackson zoned out for a bit as Cristina and his grandfather started talking. Despite the prickly nature of Harper's opinion of Cristina, conversation flowed. They seemed to both agree that this years crop of Harper Avery Award recipients was more diverse than ever, and neither of them were exactly pleased about it. Harper and Cristina would always be cardio junkies first. He just listened, silently anxious, scanning the room for the one face he wanted to see more than anyone else's.

April still wasn't there. Jackson felt an irrational panic rising in his chest. What if she didn't show up? He knew she'd sent in her RSVP and taken advantage of one of the block of rooms the Foundation had booked in the the hotel. Rationally, he knew she was in Boston. She was probably just running late. April would not miss a ceremony for her own award. She was here. Somewhere. Just not  _here._

And then suddenly, she was.

Jackson's gaze was drawn to her immediately as she appeared in the doorway to the banquet hall. He saw her first, and he took the moment to admire how familiar she still seemed to be. April had her hair up, and styled in the same classic way she'd always used for formal events when they were younger. She was dressed in an elegant green dress. Jackson always liked when she wore green.

She looked uneasy. Frazzled even. More serious than he might have assumed, considering she was here to be honored with a prestigious award. Jackson hoped it wasn't because of him. He didn't want to spoil this moment for her in anyway.

Winning the Harper Avery Award would be a big moment for any surgeon, but to the April Jackson knew a resident? The moment would be earth shattering.

He knew he would be happy to see April, but he'd underestimated the full impact it would have on him. He felt suddenly eager, excited even. He wanted nothing more than to speak with April, even if he really didn't know what on earth he would say.

Knowing what to say had never been easy.

_Things definitely had not returned to the status quo by the time Jackson returned to work after the storm. He'd given April space because, well frankly he thought she'd need it after the last conversation they'd had. Hell, he needed space after the last conversation they'd had. But to his dismay, days later, things didn't seem to have cooled off at all._

_April was actively avoiding him, more than she had even right after they'd broken up and the in glimpses he'd gotten, she appeared drawn and pale._

_I_ _t almost made Jackson wonder if he'd made a bad call. But he couldn't go there. And besides, it was hardly the first time he'd told her something she didn't want to hear. Jackson had seen her freak out before. Soon, it would blow over, and April would get all excited and caught up with her wedding planning and they'd be back to being friends._

_He needed them to be friends again._

_But then, Jackson had learned a piece of information from Meredith that didn't seem to fit in with the picture he'd painted in his head about how things were supposed to go. Added together with Hunt's presentation that morning about fellowships offers, he was feeling uneasy. Because Hunt wrote 'Kepner' on the board along with everyone else taking their boards that year. Apparently she'd had two of her offers, Mt. Sinai and Case Western Reserve, reissued pending a successful board exam this year. April could complete her fellowships elsewhere if she wanted._

_Jackson had no idea she'd even reapplied. Why would she? She had a good job in Seattle. Hunt had allowed her to begin her fellowship, even though she wasn't board certified. All her friends were here. Matthew was here._

_He was here._

_So Jackson sought April out._ _He found her on her break hauled up in the attendings lounge, surrounded by a familiar looking set of flashcards. They were the only two people in the room, but she didn't immediately acknowledge his presence. She scooted as far away from him as possible when he joined her on the couch. Jackson watched sadly as April stiffened and swallowed hard. He didn't know what to say._

_"You broke up with Matthew?"_

_The breakup was almost as shocking to find out about as the fact that she'd applied to other hospitals. Jackson had not planned to open with that, much less to speak so sharply. He just had so many questions. Especially because when she'd told him, Meredith had had no idea why April had dumped the paramedic._

_It just didn't make sense. Jackson had made his decision the night of the storm, in order to give April a chance at happily ever after. He didn't want to be responsible for her losing her future._

_April looked up at him, with a pained expression, "That's really none of your business."_

_"Considering he proposed to you in front of the whole hospital and we all had to watch, I'd say it's everyone's business." He said jokingly, trying to lighten the mood, but he did still feel a sting when he remembered watching her that day. Saying yes to Matthew right before his eyes._

_April huffed, "I'm trying to study for boards. It'd be really great if I could pass them this year."_

_The undertone of accusation in her voice made Jackson stiffen. Like April blamed him for failing. For everything. He hated that. Jackson had sworn to himself he wasn't going to do this guilt blame crap anymore. Jackson had put his foot down on this issue already. Put a stop to things between them, and then called her out after Matthew broke up with her before the engagement. He'd put his foot down._

_Or so he thought._

Jackson never knew what to say.

It didn't even matter all that much that she was standing next to Matthew and his tie was neatly coordinated to her dress in a matching hue. April's doing, no doubt. Dude probably was too much of a goofball to figure out suits on his own, Jackson thought bitterly. He knew he'd played some role in their being married at all, and that he'd missed no less than two opportunities to prevent it and probably more. On paper, Jackson really had been the one to call off his own relationship with April, even if he believed in his reasons at the time.

But, though he knew all of these things, the sight of April and Matthew, so obviously  _together_  still made Jackson feel a little sick.

Especially since Jackson knew that April and Matthew could join in the kind of small talk his friends shared about kids. Twice over.  _That_  wasn't something he liked to think about at all.

Jackson wasn't too proud to admit that it still hurt him to know that April was married to the tall man. It hurt to know that at this point she'd now been married to Matthew Taylor for more years than she'd been friends or anything more with Jackson.

Then again, lot's of meaningless things had lasted longer than him and April.

His fling with Stephanie, if it could be called that, lasted months longer than whatever it was he and April had. What did that say? It seemed wrong, given the size of the impact both women had had on Jackson's personal universe. Stephanie had barely been a blip on the radar, yet he'd let that drag on for months. Looking back, Jackson now knew that April was like an asteroid that collided with his life, altering everything completely.

He only wished he'd realized sooner.

_"I'm sure spending a few minutes talking to me isn't going to make or break you passing," Jackson replied sarcastically._

_April only leaned farther away from him on the couch returning her gaze to the flashcards in her lap._

_Jackson sighed. He thought that things would improve between them. At some point, it had to get better right? The friendship would come back. When she was ready. When he was ready. Before the storm, he'd actually thought they were starting to get there. Granted, that night had been a little crazy._

_Then it hit him. A possible reason why it felt like the blame game was on again. Matthew. He'd been there. For part of it at least. When April freaked out on Jackson. It probably made the guy jealous or something._

_"April," he pressed, willing her to look him in the eye. "Look, if Matthew thi_ _nks something is going on between us...I can talk to him if you need me to. It was a crazy night, everyone's nerves were frayed. What he saw? I'll explain it was just..."_

_If Jackson could just make this one thing right. Fix what ever part he'd played between April and Matthew, and then, finally he could get his friend back. Without all the complication and confusion._

_"I broke up with him, after you made it oh, so abundantly clear that there isn't gonna be anything going on between us, so I were you, I wouldn't worry," April muttered._

_"I am sorry, I just want to fix this for you April, because I know that you and Matthew-"_

_"I broke up with him." She emphasized the pronouns._

_It was all so hard to understand. Jackson knew April wanted that life. The wedding, butterflies, mints. And Matthew was just what she really wanted. He was a virgin (so Cristina teased), he shared April's values...and he seemed to know all the right things to say to April. Unlike Jackson._ _He didn't want her to throw that all away._

_Running a hand down the back of his head, Jackson tried to explain himself,_ _"_ _You shouldn't miss out because of me."_

_That got a reaction. Flushing in anger, April's nostrils flared, and she finally turned to look at him again. Glare actually. So intense a glare, actually that Jackson couldn't hold her gaze._

_"My choices are not always about you."_

_"I never said that they-"_

_"It's not all about you, Jackson. Just leave me alone."_

"Uh, Cristina," Jackson said carefully, not taking his eyes off of April. He turned the handles of Harper's chair in her direction, much to his grandfather's alarm. "Do you mind helping me with my grandfather for just a second?"

Alarmed, Harper said, "Jackie!"

His friend, glanced over her shoulder, spotted April and gave him a knowing look. Out of all of Jackson's long term friends and co-workers, Jackson supposed that she knew best how Jackson felt. Cristina, like Jackson, remained single following her divorce from Owen Hunt and couldn't really participate in the conversations their associates shared about kids either. The difference, of course, was that she didn't want to. Jackson sort of did.

But the one thing he and Yang could bond over this past decade, even more than surgery, was regret.

"Sure thing, 'Jackie'," she said placidly, grabbing the wheel chair handles and pushing the old surgeon in the opposite direction, despite his protests.

Thank God for Cristina Yang.

Jackson immediately approached his old friend, noting that his mother had somehow already beat him to greet April. He slowed his pace as he got closer and had a better look at the scene before him, now fully visible and not obscured by the crowd. And what he saw made his stomach drop.

Matthew and April were not alone. They'd brought their kids.

Jesus.

There they were, right next to their parents. A boy and a girl, too short to be seen from a distance. Like their parents, the children were dressed to the nines, and looking around the room around them with eager faces. Picture perfect family. While Jackson had thought he was prepared to see April in the presence of her husband, he realized he'd been utterly unprepared to actually  _see_  her with her children.

While Jackson understood on an intellectual level that April actually had children with Matthew, seeing them in person was something else entirely. He'd overheard enough, and watched from a distance enough to know that 7 year old Jake, and 5 year old Lindsey Taylor existed. He'd seen April pregnant at Karev and Wilson's wedding, nearly 8 years previous.

But it wasn't something Jackson could really process all the way. He might have been April's first, but the fact that there were kids was a painful reminder that he'd passed up the chance to be her  _only_. Which was a little gross and chauvinistic and came from a part of Jackson that he knew was both old fashioned and hypocritical, given how many women he'd slept with in his lifetime. And yet, knowing April had been with another man, even her own husband, made him want to shut down.

It hit a little too close to home. Too close to the life he could have had. The life  _they_  could have had, if a certain test had come out differently. Jackson knew he would by lying if he said he'd never thought about it. How his life would be if April really had been pregnant. That child would be 10 years old if they had been born. Just a little older than Bailey Shepherd.

Jackson had to wonder about all the ways his life would be different, if the blood test he'd given April so long ago had been positive instead of negative. He figured his life would be easier. In that moment, he'd really been all in, so much so in fact, that April's reaction to finding out she wasn't pregnant had crushed him, even if in hindsight he could see that it was a mistake. Her response was callous in the way typical of April when she was incredibly stressed, but she'd never said she didn't want to be with him. She'd just been a little too relieved.

Jackson knew he'd bailed.

And seeing April with her real, living, breathing children? Seeing Jake with his brown bowl cut and familiar dimples? Or Lindsey, who positively buzzed with the kind of enthusiasm he'd missed all these years? Seeing these children who were not the 'awesome kid' he'd dreamed of for a few hours a decade ago? It knocked the wind out of his sails, and was almost enough to make him retreat.

Unfortunately, Catherine spotted him, and beckoned him over, "Jackson, baby. There you are. Look who's here!"

Swallowing uncomfortably Jackson joined the group with an awkward wave, "Uh, hi..."

Cue the internal sarcastic slow clap. Great first line. He'd built this particular reunion up as significant in his head, and yet, when the moment of truth was upon him, he felt like he was falling flat. More proof in the pudding. Jackson just never knew what to say. But at least his greeting seemed to ease some of the tension etched on April's face.

"Hello, Jackson," she greeted him breathlessly. "It's great to see you."

The smile April gave was more subdued than the smiles he remembered, but Jackson was happy to see it again and he couldn't help but mirror the expression.

"You too."

Matthew's gaze flicked between his wife and her old friend, and he extended his hand to Jackson, "It's been a long time, eh Avery?"

"It has..." Jackson shook the taller man's hand awkwardly.

His mother rolled her eyes, "Far too long."

"Guys," Matthew continued looking down at the children. "Jake, Lindsey? Can you both say hi, to Mommy's friend Jackson and his mom?"

"Hi!" the girl parroted dutifully, stepping right in front of Jackson and looking straight up. "You have cool eyes."

He couldn't help but laugh, despite his inner turmoil. "Thank you. You have cool eyes too."

Jake was more shy, keeping his hands clasped behind his back as he greeted Jackson, "Hello."

"Congratulations," Jackson offered, turning to April as the conversation stalled. "From what we've seen of your work these past few years, this award is well deserved."

Catherine nodded enthusiastically in agreement as April flushed and ducked her head.

"We like to think so, right?" Matthew beamed, seeming to stand up a bit taller.

"Right!" Lindsey said happily, following her father's lead, as she fluttered excitedly around the adults feet. "Mommy fixes people's owies when they get hurt! She even goes to torn-adoes!"

"Oh my!" his mother exclaimed, playing up how impressed she was, considering that she knew in great detail what particular accomplishments April had been nominated for. "A real tornado?"

Lindsey nodded earnestly, "Lots of them!"

"I only ever actually got caught in one," April interjected. " And that was before you were even born. Mommy just goes afterwards to help people who got hurt."

The little girl ignored her mother, focusing entirely on Catherine with an intensity that Jackson half admired. Lindsey really wanted to drive home the point. Her parents and brother all rolled their eyes fondly, indicating this was a typical behavior.

"Tornn-adoes!" She held out both her arms out wide. "This big!"

He watched as Catherine leaned forward and gently patted the little girls cheek. "You'll have to tell us  _all_ about it over dinner baby girl."

"Okay!"

It just stabbed him in the heart. Jackson felt a doubly heavy sense of regret watching his mother interact with April's daughter. She wasn't exactly subtle with him over the years about her desire for grandchildren. And if a certain test had been different years ago, Catherine would be a grandmother. If not for certain decisions he'd made over the years, she _could_  be a grandmother. And a damned good one at that.

But she wasn't.

The conversation sort of died and they stood there for a few seconds in silence. Jackson winced and tried not to feel discouraged. April was chewing her bottom lip, and it was obvious to him that she was watching him closely while trying to appear not to. He didn't really know what he'd had in mind for this meeting, but this was definitely not it.

For once he was thankful for his mother.

"Why don't we show you all to the table?" Catherine said brightly, leading the way for the group. "I put you guys right next to us, right up front..."

As they carefully navigated through the growing crowd, Jackson heard Lindsey's voice pipe up again while April guided her by the shoulders, "Look Mommy! Those horsies are made of ice!"

He smiled. Freaking ice sculptures. At least someone liked them.

* * *

Letting out a long sigh, April fidgeted with the fabric of her dress, ignoring the plate of food in front of her. She knew she ought to be in a better mood. Hell, she should be in the greatest of all moods. After all she was receiving the highest possible recognition for her work. Considering that in residency she'd been fired, not once, but twice, winning a Harper Avery was the last thing she thought she'd ever be able to achieve. Old friends, who'd long ago teased her, now offered April their congratulations. They even seemed impressed. Like she'd earned their respect.

Of all the things she should be feeling, April knew damn well that she should be not feeling irritated. But she was irritated.

At Matthew.

She watched as he sat, two seats down from her, chatting easily with Catherine Avery to his left, while at the same time monitoring Lindsey's eating. As April had predicted, her daughter was hyperactive, having been forced to wait through a series of speeches delivered by various surgeons before the food had been brought out. She'd just known that this was a bad idea.

Bitterly, she thought that maybe Matthew was the king of bad ideas.

_"Marry me?"_

_He was doing it again, and at least, thank God, there was no singing this time and it wasn't in public. Still in a hospital though._

_April pinched the bridge of her nose and shook her head. She knew it had been a mistake to let him back into her life, even just as a friend. Even if she hadn't had that much of a choice in letting him back in, courtesy of a tornado, a nasty head injury and her meddling sisters. It was cruel on him and cruel on her, because even though April had never intended to string him along, helping her recover and meeting her family must have given him hope._

_"Matthew, I can't do this-I can't..."_

_"I've been praying about this, April," he continued, nonplussed by her lack of enthusiasm. _"I've been praying about this a lot. It doesn't have to be perfect_."_

_"I-"_

_"There is more to life than being perfect, and I am sure there are more things you want in your life than your job, April. I know you want to be married; I know you want kids...I know you don't want to be alone. I want those same things too. I love you and-"_

_April let out an exasperated sigh and rubbed her aching temple through the bandages on her head. He just didn't get it._

_"Matthew, I know you love me. The point is that I-I do care, but I just don't..." she shrugged her shoulders._

_April didn't love him like that. She didn't._ _She might have, once upon a time. If Matthew had walked into her life about a year before they really crossed paths. Before Jackson. But maybe that wouldn't have even been real. Because she never knew or understood love before Jackson. She'd never been in love before him. It had taken her a long time to understand, but now that she knew what it was. And it wasn't the same. Matthew was just not Jackson._

_"I know that," Matthew said firmly. "I love you more than you love me. And...that's okay, because...well, I've got enough love for the both of us, and I don't mind being second best.'_

_It was like talking to a brick wall. He just didn't get it._

_April felt the unwelcome thud of another headache flaring up. She shook her head, "You shouldn't be my second best, Matthew. There's someone out there who you're the one. You should be tying to find her."_

_"And what if there's not? What if I don't want to?"_

_"You should, Matthew. You shouldn't be pining over what you can't have when you can go out and try and find what you want."_

_"I can say the same thing to you," he tilted his head and regarded April quizzically. " _You told Jackson how you felt, didn't you? And you're not together."__

_She couldn't really argue with that._

_"He visited you, and you're still not together."_

_April swallowed and laid gingerly back against her bed pillows. That was true. Jackson had come out to see her, but he'd barely stayed long enough for her to wake up. They'd had one more pointless and rather circular conversation about the nature of their feelings for each when she was still pretty out of it. She'd hoped, vainly as it turned out, that her own little brush with death would be as clarifying for him as his near death had been for her. And Jackson had seemed pretty shaken up. But then she'd fallen asleep and when she woke up, he wasn't there. For some reason, he'd left her._

_Matthew knew he'd hit a nerve, "The way I see it, in life, you just can't have everything you want."_

_There was that phrase again. You can't have everything you want. Yet another man in her life pointing out the painful truth. April swallowed again and lifted her gaze to his._

_"So you and Jackson aren't going to build a life together, right? Does that mean you give up on having a life at all? Wait on him to change his mind forever? Where is he April? I don't think he's putting what he wants from life on hold. Neither am I. Neither should you. At some point you just have to pick which of your wants matter the most, which ones you can live with, and which ones you can live without."_

_"Matthew..." April sighed._

_"For me that's loving God, loving a family, loving you and...I can go without having you love me back. I don't need true love exactly...I just...need you. We both can't have everything we want, so why can't we give each other some of what we want? I promise, we can do this, I can be a good husband, and we can be happy. It wouldn't be perfect, but at least we could have some of the things we want..."_

Matthew was the king of bad ideas. Then again, she always seemed to go along with them.

While April had agreed with Matthew that this was an awesome opportunity for them to bring the kids on the trip with them, to see Boston, she'd been dismayed when she found out that he'd failed to make the proper arrangements with the hotel's childcare facility for the evening of the banquet. She had well founded doubts about whether or not Jake and Lindsey would even be able to make it through the night and it wasn't like it was kid friendly, the Harper Avery Awards Gala, and it would certainly last beyond their bedtimes.

_"What time do we have to take them down to the play center?" April called from the hotel bathroom, as she fastened the clasp of her necklace._

_The sounds of giggling and squeaky bed springs persisted, and no answer reached her ears._

_Scowling slightly, and leaning back to poke her head around the bathroom corner, April watched as her still unready husband launched her giggling son on to one of the room's large king bed. Jake flopped on his back, bouncing dramatically as Lindsey held her arms out to her father for her own turn. The sight was heartwarming in a sense, but also a little aggravating._

_Matthew looked up and grinned at her, "What's that?"_

_"I said, what time do we need to take them down? We're already close to being late..."_

_"Uh..." He looked sheepish and April's heart sank. "About that...I, um...I never really registered them to go..."_

_"What?"_

_"I think we should take them with. To the banquet"_

_Jake nodded, "Yeah Mom! I wanna go!"_

_"This is a grown up party, Jakey..." April explained trying to remain calm._

_"So?" Lindsey asked. "I'm a big girl!"_

_She tried not to roll her eyes, when her husband lifted the girl to his hip as he said, "Yes, you are."_

_They simply did not have the time for this. April could have sworn Matthew had done this just to make her nervous. Just to piss her off._

_"Look," Matthew said quietly. "Just hear me out. I think this will be good for them..."_

April didn't fully agree with her husband's assertion that having the children present when she received the Harper Avery Award would actually make all that much of a difference. They were still too little to understand what it was and what they could understand was based on what April and Matthew had told them. And that was pretty simple.

Mommy was getting an award because she did a good job. Just like any award either child might get if they behaved well in school. They didn't know, nor should they be expected to understand anything more. They didn't know about the cut throat and competitive world of national surgical politics. They didn't know that there were more than a few miffed cardio surgeons in the room, appalled by the fact that a mere trauma surgeon was being honored.

They didn't know a thing about April's past history with the Avery family itself. One in particular.

What Jake and Lindsey learned didn't require them to be physically present at the banquet. Not that April didn't love being around her children. She did. Children were the only people you could really give your heart to, without fear of being rejected. She'd given her whole heart to her two children, and they never told her she couldn't have their love back. And so far they were doing so well at the 'grown up' party, sandwiched between their parents, even if they had clapped and cheered a little too loudly for her award. Other than that they'd behaved wonderfully. April could practically burst with pride over that, more so than pride for any award she'd received.

Jake and Lindsey were not the reason she felt the way she did.

The reason she was irritated, the reason she was irritated with Matthew, was because she understood from the start what the real reason he'd insisted on their attendance to the gala.

He was showing off. He was showing  _them_ off. Matthew was just as aware of the fact that Jackson was at this banquet as April was. He'd been acting weird lately. She was certain that he'd insisted on bringing the children in order to rub them into the other man's face.

And it made her angry. It made her furious.

Jake and Lindsey were not trophies to be jeered over or trotted out to make someone else feel bad. Nor were they weapons to be yielded to hide someone else's wounds. They were people. Her little people. Matthew's too, so it pissed her off that he would even presume to use them in any way.

"So, I read that article you wrote about field surgery at flood sites," Jackson said curiously, again trying to draw April out into conversation. "Fascinating stuff. You know, Seattle's actually got flooding issues too..."

Her mood was also out of wack because it felt like every single nerve in her body was tinglingly aware of the fact that Jackson Avery was sitting right next to her. So close, in fact, that their elbows had touched when she was cutting her steak. It was the first time she'd touched him in years, and it was electrifying. And then the guilt April felt was two fold. She was married; she wasn't supposed to be relishing even the smallest touches from someone who was not her husband, even if it was from a man she loved. Because, after all, Jackson didn't love her back. She felt guilty too for using him as a thrill.

Still, he was there, right next to her and he still gave her all kinds of feelings, and thoughts and  _memories_ that she knew she shouldn't indulge in but she really couldn't ignore-

"April?"

"Um..." April blinked and plastered on a smile. "Yes! Yes, it's...well you know drowning victims have a much lower rate of survival in terms of making it to the hospital at all...so being able to expand the kinds of procedures we can do on them in the field is essential."

Jackson nodded, smiling at her as he scooped another bite of food into his mouth.

On her other side, she felt Jake poking her arm, "Mom?"

"Yes?"

He smiled sweetly and pointed to her unfinished dinner, "Are you gonna eat your a'paragus?"

"No," April chuckled, scooping the veggies on to his plate.

Jackson made a face, "You really like those Jake?"

"They are my favorites," Jake said nodding earnestly.

"Well, if you like them that much," Jackson added, adding his own portion of the green vegetable to the boy's plate. "Take mine. I've never really liked vegetables."

"Really? You're a doctor, you should know they are good for you..."

April chuckled. Much like his father, he had this way of looking so open and honest. Sometimes to a fault. She was surprised at how well Jackson was getting along with her children. She'd seen his expression falter slightly upon meeting them. But somehow, he seemed to be happy enough to chat with them. Even more than that, for the first time in years, Jackson and April were able to talk without all the anger and the awkwardness that had plagued them for years. It was almost like old times.

Almost.

_Her locker door slammed shut before her eyes, and April turned around to see an angry looking Jackson standing right behind her. She sighed._

_Lately, he always seemed to be angry._

_"When were you going to tell me?" Jackson snapped. "That you're leaving?"_

_April shrugged, placing the remaining contents of her locker into a canvas bag. She didn't really know why she hadn't told him that she was accepting an offer from Case Western Reserve. It was just easier not to be around him, when her heart so desperately wanted things to be different. Seeing him even in passing at the hospital was like getting scalded over and over by boiling water._

_Especially when he was still openly carrying on with Stephanie Edwards. She just couldn't understand. On the one hand, April could almost tell that he was holding something back. From her. Maybe about her. And yet, that was probably nothing more than wishful thinking. Because Jackson never said he felt the same way she did. He didn't want her._

_So, April avoided him. Out of sight, out of mind._

_Jackson held his hands out in exasperation, "Were you ever going to tell me? Of did you just think you'd just disappear?'_

_"No, Jackson, I just..."_

_She needed to start over. She needed to get away. From here. From Matthew. From Jackson. April just wanted to leave her mistakes behind. She wanted to start somewhere knew with a clean slate. And no pain._

_"I thought we were friends!" His expression softened. "I miss my friend."_

_Again, he was talking about friendship. Always that. It seemed as though every time things fell apart between them, every time Jackson crushed April's heart, he would come back to her and talk of friendship. Like they could go back. Change her feelings._

_She couldn't._

_"Jackson, I don't think we can really call this a friendship anymore...I know, for me, I can't handle-"_

_"Fine!" Jackson crossed his arms. "Go back to Ohio. Leave me here. Just like before."_

_April hung her head. She felt a little bad about going home when she was fired, but she couldn't have known that Mark Sloan would die after she left. And it wasn't like Jackson had made much of an effort to talk to her before, even though she'd stayed beyond her contract to help with the plane crash victims. And now, she couldn't handle being around._

_What did Jackson want? He wanted her to stay in full knowledge that she couldn't have him? April couldn't do that._

_"Maybe I can't have everything I want, Jackson, but I can protect myself."_

_His face filled with confusion and April continued, pointing between them, "It hurts. This hurts and I don't think I can carry on here hurting so-we can't go back. All there is is forward, and you don't want to do that together so...I can't be here hurting."_

"Everything alright?" Jackson seemed to sense that April was lost in thought.

She shook herself slightly and smiled, "Yes. Yes, of course."

April hoped her words didn't sound as hollow to him as they did to her. Because, while her career was at an all time high, she couldn't exactly say that everything in her life was alright. Sometimes it felt like she was more often irritated than happy. Looking across the table toward Matthew, April sighed. Which certainly wasn't missed by Jackson.

"Well, I was just thinking," Jackson he said cautiously. "It's...um...it's really nice to see you again, and...I wonder...how long you guys were planning to stay in Boston? I am here another few days and these are my old stomping grounds, so it might be nice to show you around or something. I grew up here and I know a few fun places for kids."

She opened her mouth but the words didn't come. Was it bad that April half wished that Matthew and the kids were not included in his offer? Was it bad that she wanted time with him all to herself? April knew he was probably just being polite, but even so. Even just talking to him, after all these years felt like a wonderful luxury.

April took a deep breath and reached for her fork, not realizing that Jackson's hand was on the table as well. Their fingers brushed, and April felt suddenly flustered, "Uh...well...um..."

Seeming to sense her inner uncertainty, Jackson immediately backtracked.

"But, you don't have to. It's fine if you and...Matthew have plans already. I just, miss you, is all." He swallowed, and looked at his hands, adding softly so that no one else could hear, "A lot."

Jackson missed her? He really seemed to be sincere. She watched across the table as Lindsey yawned and Matthew lifted the girl into his lap. He caught her eye, smiling proudly, and April realized he was still in some odd way trying to show off to Jackson as he continued his conversation with Catherine. April pursed her lips. She knew she shouldn't. Spending time around Jackson was like playing with fire.

April  _knew_  she shouldn't.

And yet...she couldn't help herself.

"No, I...I miss you too," April admitted quietly. "We're actually here three more days. I'd love to do something like that."

 


	3. Chapter 3

Jackson sighed and scratched the back of his head as he leaned against a pillar in the lobby of the Ritz Carlton. He was waiting for April, Matthew and the kids to come down and join him for a day of fun and exploration in Boston. Or so he'd convinced April. For him, having fun was unlikely. Jackson had absolutely no idea what had possessed him to offer to take April and her family sight seeing.

None.

What the hell had he been thinking? How could he willingly torture himself by being around her again, voluntarily, when he knew that April and her family in particular were just painful reminders of how colossally Jackson had screwed up his own life? He supposed the only answer was that he simply couldn't help himself. Being around April again was as addictive as ever.

Even if she was different, and he was different and there was nothing that could be done to change the past, being in the same room was worth confronting the pain.

As awkward as it had been at the awards gala, Jackson could honestly say he felt revitalized just by being in the same room as his long lost friend. It was such a small thing, but Jackson was even pleased to even sit next to her. When his mother guided April and her family to their table, he hadn't dared to hope that he'd get the change to sit next to her. Matthew and April situated themselves far apart, with Jake and Lindsey between them, as though the seating arrangement was routine. Jackson had given Catherine a pleading look, urging her to sit next to Matthew. And boom.

Once again he was by her side.

April could still transfix him, and he'd been happy enough to just sit with her. She was quieter and more subdued than he remembered her to be, but as they conversed, he found himself hanging from April's every word.

The night had left Jackson wanting more. Craving more.

So he'd opened his mouth and the offer to show April and her family around the city of Boston had just sort of slipped out. Along with a the somewhat dangerous admission; that he missed her. A lot. Jackson hadn't planned it, and he was even more surprised to find that April said yes. He didn't really care why she agreed. Maybe she understood on some level how he was feeling. Maybe she felt sorry for him. Maybe she could see how her presence affected him.

The change in his demeanor certainly did not go unnoticed by his mother. That was sure. Catherine wasn't blind. She might not know exactly what was going on, but she'd seen enough to know that something was going on. And finally after years of keeping her in the dark about April and all of it, Jackson realized that the jig was up.

_They walked side by side back to their waiting taxi after dropping off Harper at his hospice center after the gala. Jackson kept his hands stuffed firmly in his pockets, while Catherine hooked her arm around his elbow._

_After a moment of silence his mother ventured, "Well, I think we can go ahead and call tonight a major success."_

_"Sure," Jackson agreed. "I think most people had a good time."_

_Catherine nodded, "Most people did."_

_They make eye contact and snorted. "Except Grandpa..."_

_"Well, you did leave him with Dr. Yang for half the night."_

_"Yeah."_

_Catherine waved her hand dismissively, "Besides, you know he just likes to complain. Lord knows at this point, complaining is probably the only thing keeping that old man alive..."_

_Jackson continued to laugh as his mother went on to mimic Harper's biggest complaints of the night._

_"Surgeons these days, sure aren't what they used to be..."_

_He joined her, pulling his face into a scowl that approximated his grandfather's most irritated expression, "Jackie! Don't you leave me with this charlatan!"_

_"When I was young, no one would even think to bring their children to an awards event!"_

_Jackson had to swallow when Catherine repeated Harper's indignation over April bringing the children to the awards gala. That had been the one hard part of the whole night. Seeing her and Matt's kids. It was like a punch in the kidneys. And he felt bad feeling that way, because they were great kids from what he'd seen. Of course they were, Jackson sighed. They were April's._

"Mr. Jackson! Mr. Jackson!"

He looked up at the sound of Lindsey's excited voice, just in time to see her sprinting towards him from across the lobby. The little girl raced into him at full throttle, and her pigtails fanning out behind her as she ran.

"Hey there..." Jackson said awkwardly, kneeling down to greet her and scanning around for the rest of the family.

Lindsey grabbed hold of his index finger with a surprisingly strong grip and began pulling his hand up and down as she squealed with anticipation, "When are we gonna see the tea party?"

"What?"

He was confused. Allowing the girl to hold onto his finger, Jackson wrapped the rest of his hand around her tiny one. Why was Lindsey alone? She shouldn't be running around the hotel alone. Where was her family? He stood up, scanning desperately back across the lobby.

Unfazed and oblivious to Jackson's concerns, Lindsey answered, "My brother says there is a tea party in Boston."

Chuckling to himself as he led the girl back toward the elevators, Jackson said, "He told you that?"

"Yeah, the Boston tea party! Right?"

"Uh, yeah well, he's kind of right. It's just not the kind of tea party you're thinking of..."

She frowned, "Oh..."

"Hey Lindsey?"

"Yeah?"

"Where is your family?"

The little girl looked at Jackson as though he'd asked the most irrelevant question possible. Jackson tilted his head and raised his eyebrows, "Well?"

"They're coming," Lindsey pouted. She sighed and looked around the rest of the lobby as she began a more lengthy explanation. "I ran really really fast and um, then I got on the elevator first. Then I pressed da button." She held up her hand and demonstrated button pressing in the air. "Ding! It closed the doors before they could get on."

"You pressed the close door button?" he asked incredulously, holding back a grin. He could only imagine April and Matthew's frustration when they realized that the girl had shut them out of the elevator. "Why would you do that?"

"I'm a big girl!" Lindsey replied matter of factly as though her answer was the most logical thing in the world. "I wanted to ride the elevator all by myself."

Jackson lost his battle and the corners of his lips lifted into his first genuine smile of the day.

_They were April's children. He couldn't hate them, even if knowing why the existed hurt him to his deepest core. How could he not feel some sort of affection for Jake and Lindsey? Not when their myriad of little quirks reminded him of the April Jackson had grown to love in his residency. They were April's children and he couldn't help but care, even though a small part of him despaired inside._ _It was as unavoidable as all the other feelings Jackson felt towards their mother. The fact that the feelings hurt him? Well, that wasn't the children's fault. Or April's. Or Matthew's._

_It was all Jackson. He knew he'd screwed up his entire life._

_When they reached the waiting taxi, Jackson quickly opened the door for his mother, allowing her to enter the backseat first, before sliding into the seat beside her._

_Catherine smiled fondly, shaking her head, "Harper's just from a different generation. I, for one thought April bringing those children was lovely. Fine time for women to show their children they can succeed in the workplace too._ _Surgeons have ended up with bad family lives for much too long."_

_"Yeah," he mumbled, thinking of their own Avery mess._

_"You know I really have to hand it to Kepner...she has done well for herself. And not just professionally. That's a nice family." Catherine waved her hand in the air, "I never really understood her whole virginity thing. I still don't, because frankly I don't think when a woman starts having sex is any of Jesus's damn business. When she was a resident, I'd never seen someone as tense as April. That girl was wound up! I always told her to figure it out and find herself a-"_

_Jackson cleared his throat awkwardly. He really didn't want to talk about any subject that was remotely related to April's sexual history with his mother of all people._

_"But," his mother held up her find her and gestured suggestively. "That Matthew is a fine upstanding man. Bland, maybe. Seems to be a good husband though. He's a little...eager, but nice. "_

_"If you say so..." he mumbled uncomfortably._

_His comment made her brow furrow, "You don't like Matthew?"_

_Not really. Jackson admittedly didn't know the guy, but he did know that the tall paramedic basically had everything worth wanting as far as Jackson was concerned._

_Lucky bastard._

_"I never said that."_

_"Well, you were very close friends, I can understand it might have been hard when April started having less time for her you. That's just how it is, baby. No need to be jealous. _Friends are still important but priorities change._ You'll understand someday when you find your own special love."_

_"Sure," Jackson agreed sarcastically._

_His mother pressed forward, "But after all that chastity stuff, April found her happy ending. Maybe the wait was worth it."_

_It was, Jackson thought bitterly. Just not in the way Catherine thought._

_"And they make good kids too," his mother concluded, and Jackson couldn't help but wince. "It was lovely to see them at the gala. Next year, I think the foundation ought to actually encourage award recipients to bring their whole families. We could try to make it all more family friendly._ _Looking back, I wish I'd have brought you to more events when you were younger..."_

_"I'd have hated it," Jackson snorted. "And I probably wouldn't have behaved half as well as Jake and Lindsey did. They're good kids."_

_"Mhmm..." his mother said, nodding and scrutinizing him out of the corner of her eye. "And you were surprisingly good with them."_

_"Mom, it's not like I hate children." Jackson rolled his eyes. He could just guess where this conversation was headed, and he definitely did not want to go there. He didn't like to have discussions of this nature on a good day, and he certainly did not want to broach the topic tonight._

_"I'm just saying you would make a good father. I know what happened with Warren makes you uneasy, but you're so different from him, baby."_

_"We're not talking about this."_

_"I'm not getting any younger, you know," Catherine said, resting her chin on her hand and gazing out the window thoughtfully. "And neither are you. I won't live forever. Grandbabies would be nice. Preferably before I am the one in the wheelchair..."_

_Jackson set his jaw, "I said I didn't want to talk about this."_

_His mother only pursed her lips, "I saw how you lit up around April and her family. Most of your friends have settled down. When are you going to?"_

_He sighed. It wasn't that easy. Jackson had only ever seriously entertained thoughts of settling down with one woman. The same woman who'd made him light up at dinner. April. Deep down he knew that the reason he'd never settled down or gotten serious with any of his lovers over the years was because he really couldn't imagine spending the rest of his life with anyone but her._

_And April already had her happy ending. Jackson just wasn't a part of it. He'd missed that chance._

_"Honey, are you gay?" Catherine asked him suddenly._

_"What?"_

_"Because you know it would not be a problem with me at all and there are a lot of options for growing a family..."_

_"No!"_

_"Well, then...what is taking so long, baby? You're a wonderful catch...booty calls are all well and good my dear, but you can't expect to carry on forever."_

_Jackson groaned, "Mom..."_

_"Then what is keeping you from settling down?" Catherine demanded._

_"You said you were staying out of my personal life, and you haven't gone back on your word since..."_

_"Honey, I'm tired of that! And frankly, when I agreed to leave you alone, I thought it was a phase you'd grow out of."_

_She was looking at him expectantly and Jackson shifted uncomfortably under her gaze. It was the kind of look Catherine had used on him when he was a teenager. To extract information he didn't want to divulge. It didn't seem like she was going to let this go._

_"There's something you're not telling me."_

_He scowled and tried not to make eye contact. There was a lot he hadn't told his mother over the years._

_Jackson squirmed. He realized he had to tell her the truth. The whole unfortunate truth. From San Francisco to the pregnancy scare to both of the storms. If only to share the weight of it all with someone else._

Soon enough Jackson and Lindsey made their way back through the lobby to the elevators, where they found a frustrated April exiting a carriage holding Jake's hand, along with an agitated Matthew.

Matthew sighed in relief when he saw his little girl, "Oh good, you've found her, Avery. Thanks..."

"Uh, no worries...she kind of found me actually..."

"She's just quick these days," Matt continued. "Makes you miss the pre-walking stage. Can't take your eyes off of her for a second."

"If you'd found the stairs and gone down after her, you'd have beat the elevator to the ground floor long before Jackson found Lindsey," April mumbled dismissively.

He shrugged, "It wasn't like I didn't try."

April ignored her husband's comment leaning down and giving a small lecture to Lindsey, "What did I tell you about holding Daddy's hand?"

Jackson had a brief flash of the feisty April he'd seen in countless trauma situations at Seattle Grace. Organizing chaos. Triage emergency. Dressing down interns. Not that the situation really called for that reaction per say, but Jackson couldn't really say he didn't enjoy getting a glimpse of that April again. Especially given how much more reserved she seemed to be these days.

"Sorry Mommy," Lindsey replied reluctantly.

April nodded, and returned her attention to her husband, "God forbid a man who makes his living running around finding addresses find something...can't even find the hotel stairs..."

Matthew deflated a little but retorted, "What can I say? There's no such thing as hotel GPS..."

"Or, better yet," April continued undeterred. "You could have avoided this whole thing if you'd just paid better attention to her like you said you would and you wouldn't have even had to find the freaking stairs."

Jackson stood awkwardly, trying his hardest not to react to the squabble in front of him. It wasn't the first time he'd seen April and her husband bicker. More then a few snide remarks had been tossed out between the couple at the Harper Avery Awards. But it seemed to be in good enough fun. The kids didn't even seemed that fazed, although this argument made Jake duck his head as his sister shoved her thumb in her mouth.

Jackson figured some couples just communicated like that. Hell, look at the Karevs. Sometimes listening to them argue, Jackson figured a person would be hard pressed to understand that Jo and Alex actually even liked each other, let alone shared a marriage. And what did he really know? If he was honest with himself, his last 'real' relationship, the last time he really fully and truly tried to make it work with someone had been Lexie. Long before Jackson understood most of his feelings. Certainly before he sorted out his feelings for April.

But the situation still made Jackson feel an odd mixture of unease and satisfaction. A part of him was glad that April and Matthew's life together wasn't all sunshine and butterflies. What kind of guy did that make him? All another part of himself wanted for April was sunshine and butterflies. He felt confused.

This was probably going to be an uncomfortable day. He felt very distinctly like the 5th wheel he was in this family. It seemed like April was already at her wits end. Jackson knew he'd gotten himself into this situation. And he knew why.

He longed for proximity at all costs.

And even if she was not in the best of mood right at the moment, being around April still seemed like a better option than going back to Seattle without spending at least a little time with her.

He could only hope this day wouldn't turn out to be a total disaster.

Jackson cleared his throat and rubbed his hands together, "Well, why don't we go ahead and get started...I thought it might be fun to take a ride on the subway?"

_"I can't believe what I am hearing! You took April Kepner's virginity?"_

_"Ow!" Jackson shouted when his mother's hand made contact with the back of his head for the third time._

_"Boy, you should have told me all of this years ago! Saved you all this trouble."_

_His mother raised her hand in the air once more and Jackson ducked his head, deftly avoiding a fourth slap._

_"Mom! Stop!"_

_He scowled when he heard the taxi driver chuckle from the front seat. The guy was clearly trying to feign disinterest as they idled in a parking spot near the hotel. Catherine had asked him to park the vehicle, around the time Jackson had gotten started taking about the plane crash, when it became clear just how long and complicated the whole sorry mess really was. Jackson had half forgotten the other man was there, but he supposed his mother's reaction must be somewhat entertaining for the driver._

_Withdrawing the threat of a hit, Catherine took a deep breath and pressed a finger to her temple, "I can't believe I didn't know about this."_

_"I asked you to stay out of my life," Jackson shrugged. "And you have. I appreciate that."_

_His mother scowled, "You asked me not to meddle right when you needed me to meddle the most! Why didn't you tell me? All these years, and you're saying to me that you've loved April Kepner, and you never said a word. To her or me. That's ridiculous."_

_"Mom, I don't think-" Another smack to the back of his head._

_"I knew that girl didn't fail her boards for no good reason," Catherine continued emphatically. "And after that, I just thought April was only acting weird around me because...well...she was always a little..."_

_"Don't call her weird, Mom."_

_His mother coyly raised an eyebrow, "I was going to say uptight."_

_They sat in the back seat staring straight ahead in silence for a few moments before he spoke again, "I didn't tell you at first because...I didn't really understand what what happening. Or how I was feeling."_

_That was the truth. He could honestly say that in the beginning he'd been thrown for a loop. Jackson never in a thousand years would have expected April to kiss him at boards. And then that had led to more and more and the flood gates opened and the roller coaster began. Board exam failures, plane crashes, pregnancy scares, flash mob proposals._

_Stormy confessions. Stormy cowardice._

_"And then...Webber died and...I just couldn't. I didn't want to bother you."_

_The one time he'd briefly considered confiding in his mother, was in the days following April's sudden declaration. Jackson had felt so confused and so angry and his mother had flown out to Seattle anyway after finding out about Richard's electrocution. He'd thought about talking to her. The old chief had initially responded quite well to treatment after being rescued, but his burns were very severe. He only lasted 4 days. His mother had been devastated. There was no way he'd ever have added to her concerns. Besides, April had been avoiding him like the plague and he figured if he let things cool off enough, it would all blow over. At the time he'd thought it was possible, even desirable, to friends with April again._

_In the end he'd realized friendship wasn't enough. But he still couldn't bring himself to burden his mother._

_Catherine frowned and reached toward him again. Jackson flinched, but she gently caressed his ear, "Oh baby, you don't always have to handle all your problems by yourself. You've always tried to hide so much..."_

_He shrugged._

_Jackson had been afraid of worrying his mother since he was small. Ever since he'd heard her muffled crying from behind the bathroom door after his father had left. Catherine Avery was a strong woman. But sometimes, when life was just too much, even she cracked. Jackson had vowed then and there never to be the straw that broke his mother's composure._

_That was something his father did. Not him._

_"So, you love April? You don't want anyone else. Even now..."_

_Jackson nodded, "I haven't exactly ever dated anyone who made me feel the same way. With other people it's just...hollow. April is different; she always was. I-I get it now. She's it, you know?"_

_He'd never been one to believe in soul mates when he was younger, but now he had to wonder. Dumb system as it might be, it wasn't like Jackson had ever come close to feeling the same level of love he had for April with any of his conquests over the years. He hadn't even bothered to attempt to actually have an emotional relationship with someone in nearly 6 years. Physical needs, he'd always been easily able to deal with._

_Jackson discovered that emotional ones were much harder to satisfy._

_Catherine murmured in agreement,"You really love her, but she's married to someone else..."_

_It had taken him a decade to really fully and truly understand how much April mattered to him. He'd been in denial for so long. Missed so many opportunities. But now he finally got it. He loved her. Of course the tragedy was that time did not stand still. April had moved on. He'd pushed her to move on, in fact._

_"Yeah," Jackson said, hanging his head. "I just...I couldn't say it back. _I could never tell her. I was...I don't even know why, Mom. At first, I just wasn't even sure what was going on, and then I was hurt and then I got pissed because I didn't know if I could trust her and...I just...looking back there are places I know I screwed up."__

_"You know," his mother said wistfully. "I always liked April Kepner. Even all the way to when I met her at Mercy West."_

_"I know, Mom."_

_"Well," his mother sighed, reaching for the door handle. "This is a fine mess then, huh?"_

_"It's a disaster."_

_"Oh honey," Catherine said, patting his knee gently and leaning forward to pay the cab driver. "No mess was ever impossible to get out of. Besides, now you have added benefit of my support and wisdom. And I am telling you need to talk to April."_

_"Mom," Jackson groaned, opening his own car door and stepping into the street. "Just because I told you how I feel doesn't mean you get to meddle with my life again."_

_"The hell it doesn't," she replied carefully maneuvering out of her own door. She leaned to the open driver's window and added, "Am I right?"_

_Jackson rolled his eyes in embarrassment when the man replied, "Absolutely right."_

_He leaned out to look at Jackson, "The mama is always right!"_

_"Especially since this poor fool's been ignoring the situation for so long," Catherine nodded emphatically. "You need to talk to her, honey. You need to get this off your chest. It's weighing you down. And who knows, maybe-"_

_"Maybe nothing! She's married."_

_"To a man who's about as interesting as a piece of toast."_

_"You said you liked Matthew!"_

_"I do. He's perfectly nice. But baby, he doesn't hold a candle to you. Any woman in her right mind-"_

_"You're my mother. You have to say that."_

_He pinched the bridge of his nose. It was all very quickly coming back to him why he'd kept a lid on this whole part of his life for so long. He'd half forgotten how frustrating and invasive his mother could be when there was something she deemed to be juicy happening in his personal life._

_" _I hurt her._ _I'm not gonna do it again._ There's nothing I can do about this situation."_

_April was married to Matthew. They had two kids. She lived in Ohio. She had a whole life without him._

_"Maybe we can't fix it," Catherine conceded, offering his shoulder a gentle squeeze."Maybe...well probably we won't change much. But we can at least resolve it. Stop you from being so stuck with your life."_

_"I am not stuck."_

_The cabbie shook his head, "Oh no, man. You stuck."_

_Jackson rolled his eyes, and called over his shoulder as he and his mother headed back toward the hotel, "Thanks for the input."_

Jake grabbed hold if Matthew's left hand, lifted his thumb and whispered the time honored phrase: "One, two, three, four! I declare a thumb war!"

Jackson watched as Matthew allowed the boy to win the game easily over and over again. He'd taken them to see a few of the city's more interesting historical landmarks (including a small 'Boston Tea Party' tour), and thought it would be nice to end the day at the Boston Common with a carousel ride. The park wasn't overly crowded and April had taken Lindsey to use the bathroom before they went on the ride, and the males were waiting patiently outside the women's restroom.

The weather was clear and peaceful, and the day with April and her family was going much better than he'd imagined it would. It had gone well enough to bring them here. To this place. His place from childhood.

Having the kids around helped. He knew it would have been horribly awkward if only the three adults were around. There just wasn't much any of them could say. Jackson was hard pressed to hide his jealousy toward Matthew and uncertain of where he even stood with April. The years apart had taken their toll. He felt a distance from her. Once, he'd been able to read April like a book, but today Jackson had no idea what she was thinking about. And Matthew clearly was suspicious of Jackson, and Jackson could hardly blame him.

And April...she was just guarded with him. And with Matthew. The kids were the ones propelling the whole conversation for most of the day.

Which really meant Lindsey set most of the topics. So they talked tea and ponies, with a small side digression into the marching habits of baby ducks. Which Jackson was totally okay with, because April seemed happiest when the kids said or did something adorable or demonstrated how smart they were.

Much as he might have wanted time alone with April, this day would just have to tide him over until he figured out another way to spend time with her. Jackson knew already, from the gala to today, that he just couldn't allow himself to get cut off from her again. Even after they both went back to their respective home states. He hadn't realized how painful it was to be so distant. He couldn't go years without some sort of contact again. And he thought that maybe, just maybe today had gone well enough, that Jackson could somehow convince April to at least keep better in touch with him.

The sharpness and somewhat unpredictable turns of April's moods today affected him more than he'd expected. It frightened Jackson. Because even though things had been fairly fun and calm, he couldn't be sure of her openness to maintaining better contact. As easily as April could agree, she also might cut him out of her life altogether, and he hated to face that.

Jackson wasn't sure that he could.

He just needed to figure out a way to ask. Something to say. This April was so incredibly difficult for him to approach, so he had to be meticulous in his words. He needed to say the right thing.

Jake giggled as his father dramatically added sound effects to their little battle of the thumbs.

"Oh no! You got me!" Matthew complained.

Jackson smiled wistfully as the faint sound of carousel music reached his ears mixing in with the laughter. His father used to bring him here on his rare days off. Cherished time in the schedule of toddler Jackson's life. It was always just the two of them. No Catherine and no Harper. No nannies. Warren took him on the carousel. He remembered that.

_He was sitting up on the white horse. His favorite, and apparently the favorite of many kiddies. Jackson and Daddy had had to wait three go-rounds before it was free for him to sit on._

_The horse turned out to be taller than he expected, and the height and movement of the ride was kind of scary. His stomach started to churn. He knew he was buckled in, but he also knew more than the average three year old about bodies and bones and blood._

_Gulping, Jackson gripped the metal pole of his horse and started to take deep breaths. Like Grandpa always said you should when you needed to be strong. Because you couldn't cry. Big Avery's didn't cry._

_Warren must have noticed the tension in his son's demeanor because suddenly he was there, right behind Jackson, resting a steadying hand on the boy's back._

_"It's okay, Jackie. I've got you."_

_"You won't let go?" Jackson asked, looking back at his Daddy with wide eyes. "You won't let me fall?"_

_Warren shook his head, "I promise. I'll be here."_

_It was enough to make Jackson's apprehensions about riding the carousel vanish._

_Daddy was there. Daddy's kept their promises._ _He smiled and laughed with glee as the ride circled around again and he pretended he was a cowboy trying to lasso the unoccupied zebra just in front of them. And of course, just like he promised, his Daddy stayed right behind him the whole time._

_Riding the big white horse wasn't so scary with his Daddy around. He made everything better. As the ride slowed and began it's final circle, Jackson looked back to his father adoringly._

_"I love you, Daddy!"_

Jackson figured that this might be his only real memory of his father. His life was marked by memories of Warren's absence rather than his presence.

With a mild sense of shock, he wondered whether that was last time he said it to someone other than his mother. As a boy, Jackson had given his love so easily. As a man, he didn't reveal or examine his emotions when he could help it. Giving love made you vulnerable. He'd learned it growing up, and he'd never really been able to get over it.

Mark Sloan, in a weird way was the closest thing Jackson had ever had to having a father in his life again. And he'd used some of his last moments of his life to talk to Jackson about love. If you love someone, tell them. Even when you're afraid. Say it loud.

But he'd never been able to take Mark's advice. Especially when he was afraid.

April had said it to him once. When he'd gone to see her in Ohio. After the tornado. She'd told Jackson that she loved him.  _Really_ loved him. But he'd been afraid. Seeing her laid up and pale overwhelmed him. Her words totally and utterly filled him with panic. Because it couldn't be true. The only person Jackson could be certain had ever loved him was his mother. He'd been so certain that April didn't mean it. Not with a seizure in her recent past, a surgery in the near future, and an ex-fiance in the hallway. It scared the hell out of him.

And kept him silent.

It was why Jackson hated to think back to that moment. He refused to examine it.

"So, does Nicole Benton still work for BestCare?" Matthew asked casually.

"Uh," Jackson realized he'd been paying absolutely no attention whatsoever to the scene around him. "What?"

"Nicole? My old partner," Matthew continued jovially. "I haven't talked to her in years. Best partner I've ever had. One of my best friends too. Does BestCare Emergency Response still have the servicing agreement with Grey Sloan Memorial?"

Jackson blinked. As board member, he realized that he probably should know that, but given that he was on the board of six different hospitals, he was hard pressed to remember all the details. Add to that, his mind was miles away.

Thankfully, April and Lindsey appeared, and his old friend spared Jackson from fumbling for an answer.

"Jackson is the head of plastics and a hospital board member," April huffed. "Of more than one hospital from what I understand. He hardly has the time to keep track of  _your_ old ambulance corps, Matthew."

"I'm only actually the head of plastics at Grey Sloan and Saint Francis," Jackson automatically corrected, realizing too late that April was perhaps not in a mood to be amended. "And boards do actually deal with contract negotiations."

"Oh," April dead panned, smirking unconvincingly and taking Jake's hand and abruptly leading both children towards the nearby carousel. "Whatever. Uh, look it's already dusk and I don't want the kids up too late, so let's just get this ride over with."

Jake grinned and Lindsey jumped up and down eagerly shouting, "Carousel!"

Matthew and Jackson exchanged a glance when they realized that April's brisk pace was taking her and the children away from both men at a rapid pace. The taller man rolled his eyes fondly and quickly jogged forward to catch up.

Jackson sighed, and hung back, watching the four person family forge ahead on the side walk. They looked like the perfect unit. A mom, a dad, a boy and a girl. The quintessential American dream. Well almost. April and the two children walked close together, Jake and Lindsey skipping along as their mother jokingly joined in. Matthew walked off the the side, hands jammed in his pockets, and keeping a slow enough pace so that he didn't out walk his family. There was a distance there, Jackson noted.

Not so perfect. Perhaps not so united.

Unexpectedly, April looked back, locking Jackson's gaze with an intense, but largely impenetrable gaze. Fear coursed through Jackson. He still didn't know what to do or how he was going to proceed. There was no sure game plan that would keep April in his life.

He could lose her again. So easily. And it was terrifying. Maybe the his mother was right. Maybe the damned cabbie was right.

Jackson was really stuck. But he didn't want to stay that way.

* * *

"Mommy!" Lindsey whined, looking back to her mother from her perch on top of a garishly decorated carousel horse. "You should ride a pony too! Daddy and Dr. Jackson are."

"Yeah Mommy," Matthew smirked, gesturing to Jackson. "Take a risk. We're taking the plunge."

He looked utterly ridiculous and cramped on top of a stationary bear, with his long legs crossed in front of the figure.

They were waiting for the ride to start. It was late afternoon and the Boston Common carousel wasn't very crowded so Jake and Lindsey had insisted that all the adults take part. It was a circus themed carousel, filled with tigers, monkey's, mythical looking horses, and other animals. Jake was in front of Lindsey, riding a fierce looking painted lion and giggling happily with her old friend.

Jackson wasn't riding exactly, unlike her husband. April watched as he leaned casually against a carousel animal and chatted with Jake. At least her typically shy son was opening up a bit to Jackson. He was leaning against a white horse, of course.

Of course. The gorgeous man was fulfilling his stereotype. The knight in shining armor.

Only he hadn't been hers. As far as April was concerned, all those fantasies about a prince on a horse riding in and falling in love and changing your life was bullshit fed to insecure little girls in small towns. She was over it.

Fairy tales did not come true.

_Hearing the sound of the front door creak open, April closed her book, flicked out her beside lamp, and swiftly rolled over. Matthew, her new husband of 3 months was getting home from his night shift. He was still settling in as a paramedic in Cleveland and had to sit second seat while his partner drove until he became more intimately familiar with the city's streets. Consequently, he'd ended up with some odd late night shifts._

_And as bad as it was, April did her best never to schedule her own night shifts on the same days as her husband. She was relieved to have an evening to herself._ _Pressing her eyes shut, she evened out her breathing and curled beneath the comforter as she listened to the sounds of Matthew poking around downstairs._

_It wasn't like April wanted to avoid him exactly. Well, it was. But not because Matt was doing anything in particular that would be widely considered avoidable. He was as kind and attentive and sweet as he'd been the day they met. And April knew that he was putting in the extra effort to try to be a good husband. Given the on again, off again, engaged, off again, engaged again, married course of their relationship, she figured he was doing everything he could to prove to her that this could work._

_Matthew was trying to be the best husband._ _But that was part of the problem. There was such a thing as being too attentive._

_Sometimes April just wanted space. To have quiet. Peace after a long and stressful shift in Case Western Reserve's ER._

_Matthew constantly filled silences. And planned things. Camping trip. Romantic dinners. Outings and concerts. He was all about stuff like that._ _And about being a 'we'. We're new around here. We just got married. We both work in healthcare. We, we, we._ _In their first Mercy Group meeting at their new church, April had counted a total of 15 'we' uses in 12 minutes, which she considered to be entirely unnecessary._

_It got on her nerves._

_The bedroom door opened, and Matthew carefully slipped in, changing quietly out of his uniform. April felt the weight of the bed shift as he climbed in beside her. He scooted close, sliding a lock of hair behind her ear and gently draping an arm around her waist. Sighing, April opened her eyes and turned around to face him._

_His eyes lit up and he smiled, "Hey! I thought you were asleep."_

_"No."_

_"Couldn't sleep?"_

_April shrugged. She hadn't tried. But his guess was close enough._

_Matthew leaned forward and kissed her forehead before whispering, "Well, let's see what we can do about that."_

_'We'._

_He tapped her shoulder and shifted so he sat behind April, pushing her hair to one side. She sighed and closed her eyes as his hands gently began massaging the knots out of her tense shoulder blades. As frustrating as some of his more coupley quirks were, April had to admit that he gave a wonderful massage._

_And he liked cuddling. And spooning. And talking. All that stuff. He liked the closeness._ _At any time, really. N_ _ot just...well, not only_ _after 'carnival' experiences._

_Admittedly, it was something April wasn't wholly used to, given that in her previous 'relationship' most of the carnival riding was done in stolen moments found on bunk beds or in bathrooms. There'd been little time for lingering in the afterglow with Jackson. They usually had to get back to work, and she'd pretty much set the standard 'post sex' pattern back in San Francisco that first night._

_Which April now understood was a mistake. Another in the pile of terrible mistakes she'd made with Jackson. She'd been confused and overwhelmed. She hadn't started that day before her boards planning to have sex with her best friend. And she certainly hadn't expected to enjoy it. At the time, she'd wanted to be alone._

_To process._

_But carnival rides with her husband were different. Not better or worse, really. Different. For one thing, Matthew was taller, which impacted some of what they did. And he was new to everything so that was an experience in and of itself. And they were married. The guilt she'd felt with Jackson was replaced with different kind of guilt._

_After his first time, Matthew didn't ask April to leave. And now she understood now how Jackson probably felt their first night._ _If Matthew had asked her to leave on their wedding night, despite everything, despite all the confusion and bargaining and settling that got her there, April would still have been crushed. Because, if you even cared about the other person in the slightest, you didn't want to leave afterwards. Not when you'd shared yourself, made yourself vulnerable, and open with someone else._

_There was a pull to be close, even if you weren't in love._

_"I took your advice," Matthew commented._

_"Oh, really?" April murmured absently _as he found a spot just below her neck that made her gasp.__

_"Mhmm...I made a friend. Lee Ogden. He's a northwestern guy too. Grew up in Olympia. Actually in high school our football teams played against each other. He's five years above me though, so I missed out on playing him."_

_April could only half nod, and mumble affirmatively as Matthew worked his thumbs in concert with the palms of his hands ironing out a particularly stubborn knot._

_"He invited me to play pool on Thursday nights actually..."_

_"That's nice."_

_She knew he missed his family and old friends back in Washington State. Matthew had grown up there and for him, living in Ohio was not the same as it was for her. April's sisters, relatives, and old college friends were all over the state of Ohio. She didn't even really have to make that much of an effort to reintegrate herself. Not when Libby and her family lived in Cleveland and went to the same church and introduced April to all of her friends. Even if she didn't exactly click with all of them (there were few people she clicked with her whole life), at least she had insta-friends._

_April hung her head. _ _Matthew had picked up his whole life and moved to be with her. He was new and tended toward the awkward and shy.__  Like she had been when she'd first moved to Seattle for her residency. He was new and isolated. Which was probably as much a cause of his Stepford husband persona as their somewhat rocky history. She wanted to be more supportive. More, she knew that she ought to be more supportive. They were married._

_"I thought it would be good...like you said...branch out. Don't want my wife to be literally the only person I know in Cleveland..."_

_'I'._

_"That's good, Matthew," April smiled. "I'm sure you'll have fun. That's good for you."_

_He leaned forward and kissed his way up the side of her neck, "I couldn't have done it without you...you know, how hard it is to meet people. It's easier for me to just creep on them sometimes instead of actually talking. But, like you said, gotta make a move sometime, right?"_

_"Yeah."_

_Matthew's hands stopped moving and he sighed, "I love you."_

_'You.'_

_April bit her lip and took a deep breath, "I..."_

_She cared about Matthew. She even probably did love him in a way. On her wedding day, she'd promised to have and to hold him. For better or for worse. In sickness and health._ _But she couldn't say she was in love with him._ _And he knew it. He still seemed to love her for it. And she was probably a terrible person for letting him convince her that being married would work. She felt like a terrible person because she couldn't give him the three little words he deserved in return._

_Rolling over, April licked her lips and ran her fingers along Matthew's collar bone. He shivered as she rocked her hips on his lap, straddling his legs, and kissing him deeply._

_Maybe she couldn't say she loved Matthew, but she could do other things. That would have to be enough. Because_ _April wasn't sure she could ever say she loved someone again. not after Jackson. It hurt too much. It was too risky._

_Maybe this was all she was going to get._

April rolled her eyes and ran a gentle hand down her daughter's back, "I'm okay standing right here with you. I'll still have fun riding like this..."

In reality, having 'fun' was probably a stretch, given that she'd felt pissed off for most of the day. She couldn't quite put her finger on why, but April had spent much of the time feeling completely frustrated. Jackson was cordial, but pensive, and seemed to be more interested in talking to Matt and the kids than he did her. She really didn't know what she had expected.

She really only said yes because she missed him enough that spending a little time was worth the anger and frustration. In the light of day, April would rather spend a little time with him while angry, than no time at all.

Jackson had invited her and  _her family_  out for the day. Because he 'missed' her. Actually it was day planed to alleviate some of his own feelings about what had happened between them, no doubt. Jackson didn't miss April in the same way that she missed him. She was certain of that. For her, he represented a painful lost what if that could never work out. But for Jackson it was different.

He missed her because he felt bad about drifting apart. For rejecting her and making her withdraw from the friendship. So today she thought Jackson probably wanted to get over his own unease, and to see that she was okay and had survived. He could barely look at her without swallowing and hanging his head. April could tell he felt guilty. He'd probably felt guilty ever since freaking San Francisco.

So she'd come to the conclusion that today was a pity day. And April hated being pitied.

But none of that was Lindsey's fault. She knew her daughter had had a blast so far, and she had to credit Jackson for picking pretty kid friendly things that both her hyperactive girl and curious boy could enjoy equally.

Lindsey looked up and shouted, "My horse is gonna beat Jakey!"

"Nah uh!" Jake scowled over his shoulder.

"Horsies are faster than lions!"

He rolled his eyes, "We're just going to go in a circle! You can't really chase me!"

April warned, "Guys..."

"No fighting," Matthew added.

The gears of the carousel platform began to move, and with it all of their animals. The tinny sounding music of the ride didn't completely drown out the beginning of a fight between her two children. They usually got on well enough, but each had become a master at pushing the other one's buttons.

"Hey, Lindsey?" Jackson offered, easily sliding onto his white carousel figure. "Why don't we see if your horse rides better than mine does?"

April pursed her lips as her old friend handily defused the tension between the two siblings.

"Okay! I know mine's the best..."

"How do you know?"she asked her daughter as the ride sped up.

"Cuz she's a girl!"Lindsey replied, rolling her eyes dramatically. She squared her shoulders and gripped the reins of the little horse, "Look out Dr. Jackson! I'm gonna get you!"

April through her head back and laughed.

Real life wasn't fairy tale. But it wasn't all bad. Her two beautiful children were a testament to that. Her son and daughter brought her so much joy. And she couldn't have had them without Matthew.

_April was an emotional person. She was known at Mercy West, Grey Sloan, Case Western and on the Disaster dispatch as someone who got perhaps too emotionally invested with her work. She thought she'd learned to have a pretty good handle on things professionally, and April felt that she'd improved by leaps and bounds over the years. She'd changed a lot. But she still cried at weddings, baptisms, those annoyingly poignant commercials on tv that featured animals._

_And right now April was the most emotional she could ever remember feeling. She was overwhelmed. S_ _he didn't know if she was laughing or crying or hyperventilating. Maybe it was all of the above. She didn't even care._ _April sniffed, and smiled down at the tiny wriggling bundle in her arms. Her tears landed on his little hands, making her son squirm even more._

_He was here! He was finally here. A fine layer of dark hair, ten perfect fingers, and ten tiny toes. Her little boy. And he was a boy! They'd waited to find out._

_Now they knew he was Jacob and not the girls name they had picked out._

_Leaning in next to April, Matthew beamed, and reached out to adjust the blanket around the baby's head. He was smiling that same goofy toothy smile he'd had the night he told her that he really liked her in the Seattle drizzle. The same goofy smile he'd had when he'd proposed the first time with the flash mob._ _The same smile as their wedding day._ _Sometimes, it annoyed the crap out of April._

_But not today._

_"Hey there, little guy," Matthew whispered, using one finger to trace the outline of the baby's ear and blinking back tears."We've been waiting for you."_

_She smiled, "Yes, we have."_

_'We'._

_Today...well, today changed everything. April still couldn't say she was in love with her husband, but in this moment she'd never loved him more._

_Their first year of marriage had gotten off to a rocky start, and April knew that a lot of that was on her. She'd barely agreed to get married in the first place and then she knew that her responses to almost everything related to the union had been lack luster. She hadn't been enthusiastic about the planning, and left it to her sisters to add in many of those details she'd dreamed about as a child. She'd forced Matt to move to Ohio, with little regard for the impact that had on his life, because that's where her job was. And she'd always taken more from him than she could give back._

_It'd been his idea to try for a baby. Matthew thought that it might help bring them together more. Take the focus of the two of them as a couple in favor of them as a family. April had been skeptical at first, because really everything she'd ever read said that a child was no way to solve marital problems._

_"Look at him," Matthew continued, grinning as the baby yawned._

_"I think he looks like you," she replied, examining his miniature features closely._

_"You think? I don't know," he smirked. "These ears don't seem to be a Taylor trait."_

_But then again, April was 33 and she'd always wanted to be a mother, and a huge part of the reason she'd even entered into this marriage in the first place was to have a family. Now the prospect was far from terrifying. There was the plan, the husband, the marriage. Yes, the problems were still there for her and Matthew. However, this was the life she had. It wasn't like something else was out there for her. It wasn't like someone else wanted her._

_This life was the one she had. She felt like she'd spent her whole life resisting. Trying to swim upstream. She was tired of that. Now she wanted to go with the flow. _April wanted to make the best of it.__ _So she'd gone along with Matthew's plan once again._ _Her son cooed and peered up at she as she gazed at him adoringly. This was the best possible outcome, even if a part of her knew that their problems wouldn't vanish because of a baby. He was worth it._

_"Hello Jacob..." April whispered. "I love you."_

She could say it to him. And Lindsey. I love you. April made a point to tell Jake and Lindsey just how much she loved them every single day. She never wanted there to be any question in their minds about whether or not their mother loved them.

And April found it easy to say to them. Children return love without reservation.

Two more gleeful rides on the carousel, and April could tell that Jake and Lindsey were done. The sun was setting and the weather was cooling. Her daughter had fallen asleep on her horse during the last ride, and valiantly as her son tried, his eyes drooped. They got off the ride and headed toward the subway station, Matthew carrying a drowsy Jake, while April cradled her sleeping daughter.

Jackson had offered to carry the little girl twice, and even though the child was not as small as she used to be, April couldn't bring herself to accept his help. Even if he did pity her, and even if he'd probably only planned this day to ease his conscience, she still had her pride. She was strong. She could carry her own daughter. She could handle a lot of things.

"I'm sorry we have to walk," Jackson said sympathetically, when he gave up on convincing April to let him carry Lindsey. "I just thought taking the subway would be interesting. Easier than taking a cab. I can call a taxi now though, if you guys think that would be easier?"

"Don't worry about it man," Matthew replied, bouncing Jake gently. "They'll sleep the whole way back. It was good to ride the train underground, huh, kiddo?"

The boy rubbed his eyes, and nodded, "Yeah, it was cool Dr. Jackson. We don't have those in Ceevelands..."

April smiled as she watched Jake's words trailed off, tightening her grip on her slumbering little girl. She suspected that both children would sleep in tomorrow.

As they headed out of the park toward the subway station April walked between Matthew and Jackson. It felt like both of them were watching her and it made her edgy. The fatigue of the children revealed an acutely awkward silence among the adults. She could understand why. They were all in different places in their lives now. There wasn't much left in common.

Arriving at the subway station, the group paused, waiting for the next train to arrive.

April knew that Matthew was suspicious of the whole outing, and of Jackson. He'd played nice, but she knew again that half the reason Matthew agreed to come was to stake his claim to her in a way. Which...well, that was wrong in oh, so many ways, and April planned to have words with him back at the hotel. For herself, she still didn't understand why or how Jackson could still make her feel the way he did. Not when she'd worked for years to shut all of those feelings down.

"Daddy?" Jake's small voice ended the uneasy silence. "I have to go potty..."

"Okay. I'll take you," Matthew sighed and made his way towards the nearby restrooms, giving April a significant look. "We'll be right back."

For the first time in years, Jackson and April were effectively alone. Relatively, anyway. Except for Lindsey, but she was out like a light. The last time they'd come close to being in this isolated proximity had been 3 years ago in a cemetery in Seattle visiting Reed and Charles. Neither of them had been in much of a mood for talking then.

She deliberately kept her eyes fixed on the empty subway tunnel in front of her, but she could still feel Jackson's eyes boring into her. He was as aware of their circumstance as she was.

"April."

Her name. He always could get her when she said her name like that. There was something in Jackson's voice that she couldn't ignore. Her grip tightened on her snoring daughter and she stole a peek at his face.

Jackson looked distraught. His brow was furrowed and he was chewing his bottom lip. Then he mumbled something she couldn't hear.

"Jackson?"

He closed his eyes and exhaled slowly, before repeating his words, "April, I know it doesn't make a difference, but...I'm sorry."

"Uh...Waiting for the subway is fine. It's not a problem," April fumbled.

Pursing his lips, Jackson's body stiffened, "No...I mean...I'm sorry. I'm sorry I left when you were hurt. I'm sorry I didn't say goodbye. I'm sorry for what I said. What I didn't say."

April turned her gaze sharply away from her old friend. She wasn't sure she wanted to go where she thought Jackson might take this.

"It was a long time ago," she whispered, rubbing Lindsey's back and looking at her feet. "Look, Matthew's coming back soon and we can't-"

"I know you don't want to talk about it."

His sneakers appeared in her line of vision. He was standing right in front of her. He was so close, and every fiber of her being wanted to reach out and touch him. It was a good thing Lindsey kept her arms occupied. April focused on breathing deep slow breaths.

_She was shaking like a leaf. Her head hurt. More than hurt. She wished she could find a word that meant more than hurt. but her head hurt so much that it was hard to find any words at all._

_She was fuzzily aware that Jackson was there. And that he was important. She wasn't sure of much else but she knew that._

_"I..." she slurred, struggling to focus on his face, realizing that she had absolutely no idea what they'd been talking about. Memories? People?_

_He seemed to realize that she was lost again, because he stopped talking and leaned forward to squeeze her hand, watching her tenderly._

_She found the words she wanted to say._

_"I love you."_

"I don't want to talk about it?" April closed her eyes and whispered. "I don't want to think about it."

Jackson sighed, "I'm sorry I never said it back. I think...I think that might have been the biggest mistake of my life."

"You think?" She couldn't quite control the frustration she felt.

Jackson reached into his pocket and pulled out a small, stylishly designed business card. He pressed it into her grasp and April was surprised to find that his hands were shaking.

"Okay I know this is asking a lot of you. I just...I don't want to go years without talking to you again. I can't do that. I miss you."

April looked up and was startled by just how close Jackson stood in front of her. Over his shoulder she could see Matthew and Jake exiting the bathroom doorway.

She took a step back, "Jackson, I can't-"

He glanced over his shoulder and noted their impending interruption, moving back as well. "Will you call me? I'm not asking to make you uncomfortable...I just think we need to talk. Just...think about it. Please? Call me when you get back to Ohio?"

Matthew and Jake approached and so did their subway train. April sighed. She really didn't understand this. Or him. He'd never gone out of his way over the years to stay in touch with her. Heck, until the Harper Avery Award email, April always had the sense that Jackson wanted to avoid her. Now he wanted her to call him?

Jackson took another step back and looked at her once more, "Just think about it."

Stetting her jaw and shifting Lindsey's weight, April took the card in one hand, awkwardly shoving it into her back pocket. She couldn't say that she didn't miss him too. And she also could not ignore that fact that standing so close to Jackson still,  _still_ , after all these years made her heart rate increase, and seemed to banish rational thought from her head. His impact on her in this single tiny moment of near solitude was proof enough.

He could make her feel things she'd worked for years to bury. And April was not sure she wanted to open that can of worms.


	4. Chapter 4

Jackson wasn't surprised when April didn't call the first week.

Of course she wasn't going to call the first week. He knew he'd dropped a bombshell on her and that asking her to call at all was definitely a lot to expect. Too much to expect. They'd spoken more that trip, between the gala and the day out, than they had in the previous past few years combined. And that hadn't  _really_  been talking. Not like they used to. Not with the children and the doofus around.

Asking April to call was far from simple. It was asking a lot of her.

So, upon returning to Seattle, Jackson didn't allow himself to get his hopes up too high. He resumed work at Grey Sloan, and slipped quite easily back into his old routine. Board meetings, administration briefs, half day of patient's cases. Evenings to himself.

Because she wasn't going to call the first week. Or the second. Or the third. By the fourth week, he started to get concerned.

When she didn't call the fifth week, Jackson started to lose hope.

Perhaps he'd made a mistake. Maybe April wasn't going to call at all.

Jackson took to frequenting Joe's bar again on some of his days or evenings off, even though it was more of a hangout place for the younger faces of Grey Sloan Memorial. A few years ago he might have tried to use his charms to pick up someone to warm his bed for the night, but he'd tapered off in the last few years. Sleeping with random women could only temporarily alleviate his feelings of loneliness back then, when he'd tried his hardest to avoid thinking about April.

And now, Jackson couldn't slip back into the habit because, since Boston, April was all he could think about.

Especially at Joe's bar. He smirked and nodded to Joe as his lifted tonight's first bottle of beer to his lips. So much of their free time as residents had been spent in this very bar. Jackson had discovered he had many memories of April here. He'd learned so much about her here.

He learned she had things she didn't talk about as much as any of the rest of them. He'd learned that she preferred scotch over most other drinks, for good times and bad. He'd learned she was good at darts, but bad at pool.

In Joe's bar, Jackson had learned April could stand up for herself.

_"Wow," he gasped, listening to his girlfriend describe the awesome procedure she'd gotten to do that day. Lifting his drink to his lips, Jackson decided to try for some sympathy from Lexie._ _"All Sloan taught me today was how to brine a chicken."_

_To his left, Alex snorted, "Altman called me a chicken."_

_Jackson smirked and Lexie seemed like she was about to laugh and suddenly April appeared all worked up and flustered as she surprised Karev wrestling his beer from his hand._

_"What you said to me the other day? Was horrible!" April began angrily. "Mean and-"_

_Jackson watched the scene closely, in mild amusement, and ready to intervene as needed. He knew that few people (including himself on occasion) really respected April in her new job as Chief Resident. She was good at all the administrative stuff; the scheduling and the OR boards and all that, but out of all of them, April had never really been one who was able to get the rest of her peers to do much of anything. Even at the house. The whole chore wheel idea, which Jackson did see the merits of, crashed and burned pretty spectacularly the one time they'd tried it._

_Most of April's ideas and orders as Chief Resident, good or bad, fared about as well._

_And he knew that his best friend and Alex Karev had a somewhat rocky history. Karev teased her pretty mercilessly, but generally not causing too much harm. There were moments when Jackson felt the need to step in and defend his friend, and he was always keeping an eye on the situation. He knew April could be sensitive sometimes and that Karev was a douche all of the time.  
_

_Yet, Jackson also knew that for whatever reason, despite Alex's crude and rude tendencies, April still had an inexplicably large soft spot for the guy. An almost hook up in the on call room even though it's your first time kind of soft spot. A sell your best friend out for a bet by telling everyone that Sloan actually performed what was supposed to be Jackson's first solo 5th year procedure even though he told you in confidence kind of soft spot. Jackson didn't pretend to understand it, but he had a concern that the bullshit April put up with from Karev would eventually hurt her if left unchecked._

_April Kepner was his best friend. They were the last two Mercy West residents in their peer group and they'd survived hell together. They both knew the horror of returning to an empty apartment and knowing that your best friend was never coming home again. He knew that because of that experience he'd always protect her._

_There was a limit to how far Jackson would let things go between his two friends before he felt compelled to jump in. He'd punched Alex before. He wasn't afraid to do it again._

_Alex interrupted April, shaking his head, "Alright, you doing it again, you're like a frickin' mosquito!"  
_

_Lexie snorted, and Jackson looked at his hands, expecting more of an angry tirade. He knew April was sensitive about her voice._

_"Yeah, well that's all changing," April continued, with surprising authority. "Lexie, you're leading prerounds tomorrow. Jackson you're touring med students, and Alex, you've got nights in the ER for the next week. Any of you argue with me and I'll have you taken off the OR board. Indefinitely."_

_Jackson couldn't stop the grin from forming on his lips, as Lexie and Alex looked on with wide eyed surprise. They just got TOLD. By April Kepner no less. The sight, while a little shocking, delighted Jackson. It was amazing. Something to behold. Even kind of hot. A Mercy Wester win._

_Chief friggin' resident._

_"I, on the other hand, just got fired from Bailey's trial," April commented, casually playing with her stolen mug of beer. "So, I'm going to spend the night drinking and flirting with boys."_

_She lifted the glass and downed the remainder of Alex's beer, coughing daintily after the last swallow before she turned and disappeared into the evening crowd at Joe's. Jackson, Lexie and Alex sat at the bar in shock._

_Finally, Jackson swallowed and tapped his fist gently on the table, as his friends came to there senses. April had always been the most mild mannered of the residents, only prone to outbursts when she was well and truly pushed to the limit. Obviously that happened today._

_"What the hell was that?" Karev asked. Lexie only shrugged._

_Jackson took another swig of his drink, and stole a glance toward the dart board, where he saw his best friend smiling and chatting amiably with two guys in flannel as they played the game. The taller man invited April to play, and_ _Jackson felt his jaw tighten as he watched the other man stand directly behind her. The guy was pressing his body to her back, under the guise of 'teaching' her to play._

_Couldn't April see he was just using it as an excuse to cop a feel?_

_Not that it was any of Jackson's business really. He had his own romantic troubles to worry about. And, as fragile as his best friend seemed sometimes, she'd just proven to them all that when push came to shove, April could take care of herself._

_Even so, Jackson felt this pull to look out for her._

"Dude! What are you doing here?"

Jackson blinked wearily as he looked up from his drink to see his former roommate and his wife Jo leaning against the bar near where he was sitting. They were grinning and mirroring body language in that sickening way that just made Jackson feel hollow. Of all his friends from residency, the fact the Alex Karev of all people had gotten a happy ending (complete with a house, marriage and a daughter) was a little baffling to Jackson. They were friends, but Alex could still rub people the wrong way. A decade ago people at the hospital were surprised Alex and Jo even became friends, let alone romantically involved.

And, save for a few minor bumps along the way, the couple had very few complications as far as Jackson could see.

He lifted his beer bottle, "What does it look like I'm doing?"

"Moping," Alex shrugged. "Surprise, surprise."

Jackson only glared. Jo smiled at him sadly and gestured behind her before turning and walking away, "Alex, I'm just gonna go grab us a booth."

Her husband nodded, "Cool. I'll be there in a sec."

Sighing, Jackson lifted his beer bottle to his mouth and polished off the last swallow before muttering, "What are you guys doing here? Where's Jessica?"

Alex crossed his arms across his chest proudly, "It's date night. Pawned the squirt off on Ross."

"You come to Joe's bar for date night? Not really that romantic, is it?"

"Whatever," the pediatric surgeon smirked. "It's got sentimental value."

Once Karev and Wilson came together, they'd stayed together. In the gossip and chatter that Jackson endured as a normal part of working at Grey Sloan Memorial, the general theory people had about the success of the Karev's as a couple was that they'd had a strong foundation of friendship to begin with.

He snorted at the irony. He and April had been friends for years longer than Alex and Jo. It just felt unfair. Especially when Jackson was still alone.

Not that Jackson wasn't happy for Karev in a sense. He deserved the family he had. The guy had a tough background, and beneath his somewhat crusty exterior Alex was a decent man. And a hell of a surgeon.

April had helped him understand that when the three of them briefly shared an apartment during their 5th year.

_It was dark and damp as Jackson and April walked slowly side by side down a path in the deserted park near their new apartment. Middle of the night strolls had become a bit of a regular thing since they'd moved out of Meredith's house. The walks were welcome breaks in the never ending and grueling process of studying for boards. Jackson knew it was a necessary part of becoming a full attending surgeon, but the whole test was still daunting._

_For one thing, he'd began studying later than anyone else, underestimating the magnitude of the examination and being too wrapped up in trying to sort things out between himself and Lexie to deal with much else. Now, both April and Sloan were helping Jackson to catch up, for which he would always be grateful._

_Failing would be unbecoming of an Avery._

_Feeling the need to break the silence April suddenly blurted out, "Uh...so, where are you looking to do your fellowship?"_

_It wasn't the first time in recent days that April had busted out with some random question or comment out of the blue. Jackson knew that helping him to study, continuing as chief resident, and studying for herself left April a bit on edge. She wasn't exactly the most relaxed person to begin with, and so the stress of dealing with many competing pressures at once was probably taking a toll. She'd been acting a bit weird lately._

_Then again, he knew that being his study buddy wasn't an easy task. He complained and whined and sometimes got a little frustrated when he answered a question wrong. Even Sloan noticed that._ _And at least April's response to his stress wasn't like Mark's. His mentor had been going around the hospital trying to find Jackson a hook up, much to his embarrassment. For 'stress relief' apparently. The plastic's posse now had a pimp. Just what they needed._

_At least April didn't know about that._

_"Well," Jackson shrugged, shoving his hands deep into his jeans pockets. "Aside from Mass Gen...I'd really go anywhere that'll take me..."  
_

_" _I've already been researching places I might go," April gushed. "Like...maybe Case Western Reserve in Cleveland, they've got a really great ER system. Some of the fastest turnaround times in the country. And it's only two hours from home. Or maybe I could go to UVA. They have a huge trauma budget."__

_Jackson tried not to acknowledge the feeling of sadness that filled his chest when he thought about not living and working in the same place as April Kepner. She'd been such an important and constant part of his life for so long. From his days as an intern at Mercy West to life after the merger and everything else. He'd come to rely on her._

_"There are a ton of really good plastics fellowships," April continued quietly looking at her hands and nervously biting her lip. "Surely you have somewhere in mind. M-maybe just a region?"_

_"Not really. I like Sloan, so I might stay." He ducked his head and watched his feet as the walked along. "I mean, it's not like my case history is super stellar anyway. I probably couldn't even get into the top plastics programs."_

_April stepped directly in front of Jackson, grabbing his shoulders suddenly and bringing their stroll to an abrupt halt. She pushed him gently and said, "Stop saying that. Don't doubt yourself! You're an excellent surgeon. You have plenty of good outcomes. I've seen you. You're the Gunther. "_

_He snorted at her enthusiasm, "Lotta good that did me. Sloan and Robbins didn't even let me touch my first solo cleft patient."_

_Even months later, the incident still smarted. Jackson had allowed himself to get pushed out of his own first fifth year surgery. He'd let his superiors freak him out. April was his best friend. That's why she gave him pep talks in her own babbling sort of way. It was her job to have his back. Didn't mean any of it was actually true._

_Though the gesture was appreciated._

_Jackson smirked and easily side stepped the shorter red head, continuing down the empty park path. He took long strides and looked over his shoulder as April moved to quickly follow him._

_"Jackson, wait!" April called breathlessly._

_He could tell that she thought he was really down on himself. Which he wasn't. That much anyway. He knew he was no Harper Avery, so obtaining a lesser plastics fellowship wouldn't be that big of a deal, so long as he could pass his board exams. He was trying to just focus on being Jackson Avery. Still, he couldn't resist the urge to tease his friend's sympathy just a little bit._

_"Speaking of which," he continued, turning and walking backwards so he could see her reaction. "I haven't forgiven you for selling me out that day. What does 'between you and me' mean? Where was your Mercy West loyalty?"_

_April guffawed, coming to a stop and resting her hands on her hips, "Jackson."_

_By now it was clear that she knew he was joking, but Jackson continued with a grin, "I lost a very important bet because of you."_

_"It was terrible. Betting on outcomes is just...terrible."_

_"Maybe," Jackson conceded, walking back to April on the path and playfully nudging her shoulder. "But you did you have to do throw me under the bus to cover for Karev?"_

_As they started walking again, April's face became more serious, "I assisted with his patient that day, Jackson. He did everything right. It was just one of those cases where that doesn't matter. Even when you've done everything you can to help them. I wasn't covering for Alex...he did everything he could. Everything. And you...well_ _y _ou just needed to have more confidence in yourself. Confidence is always your problem. Leading skills labs helped with that anyway. Y_ ou didn't need to win the bet, Jackson. And that day, Alex needed to not lose."_

_"Oh..."_

She had a way of finding compassion for everyone that he'd always admired.

"Avery? Earth to Avery?"

Jackson looked up sheepishly, knowing that he'd totally zoned out. Alex was still standing next to him, with an uncomfortable yet concerned look on his face. He grabbed a handful of peanuts and gestured to the bar tender.

"This man needs another beer." Watching Jackson out of the corner of his eye, Alex added, "And a BLT."

A new bottle appeared in front over Jackson and he lifted it to his mouth before mumbling, "Just go, Karev. Go enjoy your date night."

"I will," his friend replied, leaning in. "But first I gotta help you out, dude. You're like freaking depressed ever since the Harper Avery Awards. More than usual. People are getting worried."

"What people?" Jackson scoffed. Being chairman of the board had always made him feel set apart from his friends. He wasn't in the plane crash group and he only held his position because he was an Avery.

That isolation only magnified after April left, and as he joined the administration of more and more hospitals. At the same time, he knew he had some role in his distance from his colleagues. Jackson kept his cards close to the belt. He didn't easily share with people, even those he considered to be friends.

"Mer and Yang. Kind of. And Torres."

"Even you?"

"Whatever," Alex shrugged. "I guess. I'm just trying to help you out."

"Oh yeah?" Jackson sighed. He supposed he should really appreciate the concern that Alex and the others had for him, but it did little to pull him from his malaise. "I don't really think you can."

The bartender appeared with the BLT and Karev tapped the plate proudly, "Dude, I already am."

Jackson raised his eyebrows in confusion, "What?"

"Bacon," Alex grinned smugly and pointed to the sandwich. "One of the two keys to perfect happiness."

"And the other?" he replied skeptically.

"Sex. Happiness is bacon and sex. You're having a dry spell, dude. I get it, I've been there. Single life, all that. Easy enough to fix," Karev turned around and began scanning the women in the room, making Jackson swallow uncomfortably. He didn't need Alex Karev finding him a hook up.

Once, Jackson had been one to...well, literally bury his woes and problems in the body of a willing woman. He could admit that to himself. He'd used fun and easy relationships to distract himself from all the things he didn't want to think about. It was a way for him to withdraw and ignore emotions that overwhelmed him. A one night stand or a half-assed relationship had helped him coast along for years, allowing him to function without really facing or acknowledging how lost he really was. Or how much he really felt.

And not just about April. About work, what he wanted in his career, and about being an Avery. Sex felt good and could mask everything.

But Jackson just didn't think he could do that anymore. He'd gotten an earful from more than a few women over the years, for leading them on. Heck, he'd nominally dated Stephanie Edwards (from her perspective) for almost a year before she'd had enough and called him out for being a douche. He knew the method really wasn't fair to many of the people he'd used. Nor was it fair to Jackson himself.

At this point in his life, Jackson was aware he couldn't carry on in the painful holding pattern that had turned out to occupy the entirety of his thirties. His mother was right. He might not be able to fix everything that was wrong with his life, but Jackson now desperately wanted to work to resolve it.

He was tired of being stuck.

Gingerly lifting the BLT off of the plate in front of him, Jackson shook his head, "No thanks man. I'll just stick to the bacon..."

"Come on," Alex pushed. "You could have a happy ending tonight if you put your mind to it."

Jackson shook his head and mumbled without much thought, "That's not exactly the happy ending I'm looking for..."

Both men froze. They'd just crossed over into that awkward territory of honest emotional and personal talk. It was an avenue of discussion that they generally tried to avoid at all costs. Alex winced uncomfortably, and Jackson ducked his head, hoping against hope that his friend had either not heard his words, or that he wouldn't acknowledge them...

But of course, Karev cleared his throat and answered, "I'm not sure I can help you if you're gonna get all sappy, dude."

"I never asked for your help in the first place," Jackson snapped turning away from Alex and taking a big swallow of his beer.

It seemed that that was almost enough to absolve Alex of whatever duty he felt he had in this whole situation, because he stepped back from the bar and started to head over to join his wife.

Then something made him pause and he asked Jackson a question, "It's freaking Kepner isn't it?"

April Kepner was not a subject Jackson spoke about open or freely with anyone. He honestly didn't know how much any of his coworkers knew about what had gone on between them. The fact that they'd hooked up was fairly common knowledge among his coworkers, but the details of the break up and the mess that followed was something Jackson just didn't discuss. He'd only recently come clean with the whole truth to his own mother.

But Jackson supposed there might also be ways for his friends to infer that his feelings for April ran deep. Derek Shepherd might have guessed when Jackson returned from Ohio after April was hurt, clutching copies of all her brain scans, and demanding that he take a second look, just to make sure that the neurology hacks that could only be in Ohio, weren't wrong about their optimistic prognosis for recovery. And Meredith Grey probably knew something was up when she saw that Jackson advocated that they leave April's old trauma position open for months longer than they normally would, just because he was holding out hope that his friend might come back.

"Seeing her again in Boston. It's got you thinking," Alex added when Jackson provided no answer to his question.

And the fact that Jackson had opted to stay in Seattle, in charge of the hospital, while all the rest of them went to April and Matthew's wedding, was probably another big clue about how much he cared to anyone that might be paying attention.

"It's gotta be Kepner. You went from being like BFF's to fuck buddies to not talking and whatever. That's not normal. Something has to be up. I just thought...you let her marry what's his face so, you'd moved on and Kepner, I mean she's always been a little-"

"Don't call her weird," Jackson interjected wearily.

"Okay, so April's always been a little," Alex rolled his eyes and lifted his fingers in lazy air quotes. "'You know what I am going to say, but you don't want me to say it about her'. She seems happy enough with the paramedic dude, and he's cool with the 's as dorky as she is. I thought you and her were just one of those hookups that was great while it lasted and just didn't work out. But now I'm thinking you've kinda been hung up on her for a freaking long time."

Jackson supposed he just never thought that Alex might be one of the people paying attention. He spun his bottle on a circle on the dark bar top, leaving rings of condensation on the dark surface.

"Maybe I am. Maybe I always have been. I...I want her."

Alex shook his head, "Holy crap...you're just figuring this out? She's freaking married, Avery."

"I  _know,_ " Jackson growled. He didn't need anyone to point it out to him. The fact that April Kepner was married to Matthew Taylor was one of which he was painfully aware.

"That sucks, dude," Alex continued. "You didn't realize back then? I mean you were banging her for a bit, and you were her first so..."

"I didn't know how I felt back then. I mean, I did, but I didn't and I don't know why I couldn't just tell her...it's all messed up," Jackson explained, realizing that maybe his first beer had a greater impact on him than he realized. "And now, my life is empty. It's my own fault. And I asked her to call me. When I saw her in Boston and she hasn't called and I don't think she will."

There. He'd said it. Told the truth to someone else. Jackson had shared his feelings with exactly two people. His mother and Alex Karev.

Alex's lip curled as he took it all in. "Damn."

"I just want to talk to her..." Jackson explained. "I'm not trying to...manipulate her or make her uncomfortable or anything. I just want to talk to her again. I know she's moved on and she's married and all of that."

"Wow...that's...that's a lot." His friend seemed genuinely at a loss for words.

"I miss her," Jackson admitted. "I miss her so much it hurts."

Letting out a puff of air, Alex leaned on the bar and pursed his lips, "I gotta say...I mean, if I was that Matt dude, I wouldn't want my wife calling some old flame."

Jackson looked down dejectedly, "You don't think she's going to call..."

"I didn't say that," his shorter friend held up a finger. "I said her husband probably would be pissed about her calling if he knew. That doesn't mean she won't do it."

"It's been 5 weeks. She's not going to call..."

"This is April Kepner we're talking about, Avery. I don't think she'll leave you high and dry. I was a total ass to her for years, and she still sends me a freaking Christmas card. She's probably just getting her shit together. Figuring out what to say. Trying to find the right time, when hubby isn't around. Or whatever."

Alex winced and scratched his neck, "I mean, I don't know how she feels...about you and all, but you were her  _one_  friend for years. All of residency. Crap like that matters to her, so if nothing else, she'll call to honor that."

Jackson frowned. He could see logic of all things in what Alex was saying. He still didn't hold out much hope of hearing from April.

"Alex?" The men looked back to see Jo approach the bar again. "Everything okay? I can pull over another chair or something if Jackson needs to join us."

Karev scowled and walked over to join his wife, wrapping an arm around her shoulder, "He most certainly does not."

Chuckling at how eager Alex was not to have Jackson join in on his date night Jackson shook his head, "No thanks, Jo. I'm okay. Enjoy your night. He's done his due diligence. I'm fine. I've got bacon now."

Confusion filled Jo's face and she didn't look convinced but Alex grabbed her hand, leading her away from the bar and calling over his shoulder, nn final word of advice.

"She'll call, Jackson. She will. It will come when you least expect it."

As they left Jackson alone to eat his sandwich, he couldn't help but remember another call that came out of the blue when he wasn't expecting it, several months after April left Seattle. That call was frantic and terrifying and it should have changed everything for Jackson when it came to April. In a sense the chain of events that the call set into motion did change things between them, but not in a way Jackson was proud of.

_Jackson almost didn't pick up when his phone rang just after he got out of a grueling 7 hour surgery. He was tired and cranky and really didn't want to deal with whoever was on the other end of the line. Glancing at the phone, Jackson had been even more determined not to pick it up because he didn't even recognize the number._

_In fact, the only reason he did pick up was to avoid having a conversation with his sort of girlfriend, Stephanie. He pulled the vibrating phone from his pocket and shrugged apologetically as the young resident pouted._

_"Uh, sorry," Jackson fumbled feeling like a douche. All she wanted was to go out to Joe's after work with him. It really wasn't that much to ask, given how little they actually did together (aside from sex) during the course of their whole relationship._

_But Jackson just wasn't in the mood. Lately he never was, ever since April had left for Cleveland. He could tell that someday soon, Stephanie would stop putting up with him._

_"I gotta take this."_

_Stephanie rolled her eyes and brushed past him down the darkened hallway, "Of course you do."_

_He didn't even bother offering a half promise to meet up with her later. Some nights he might. But this evening Jackson just didn't want to. Even for a quick romp._

_The phone was still buzzing so Jackson flicked the screen, holding it up to his ear, "Hello?"_

_"Oh my God."_

_The voice was familiar. Tearful and shaky. For a split second Jackson thought it was April. Probably just wishful thinking._

_"Hello?"_

_The caller's voice cracked and she took a deep breath, "Uh, sorry I...is this Dr. Jackson Avery?"_

_His brow furrowed, "Yeah. This is he. Who am I speaking with?"_

_"Um, I'm Alice K-Kepner...April's sister," her voice trailed off into a sob._

_One of her sisters calling him? Something was very clearly not right. Alice seemed to be doing her best to remain coherent and was on the verge of hyperventilating._

_Jackson tried to keep his voice calm in the face of Alice's obvious distress, despite the creeping doubts that appeared on the edges of his mind, "Nice to meet you, Alice. Is everything alright?"_

_"I don't-I don't know if you heard about the t-tornado in Orrville today? Well, there were 4 in 3 hours. Or 4 in 3 hours...I don't really-Ohio doesn't usually have tornadoes actually...I mean, we didn't before. When I was a kid. They u-used to be r-really rare but these past few years...I read online that it has t-to do with shifting weather patters across the United States..."_

_The not quite to the point rambling was so achingly familiar that it almost took his breath away._

_"Alice?" Jackson prodded gently, more determined than ever to quickly get to the bottom of whatever it was that April's youngest sister was trying to tell him. "What's happened?"_

_"She was there. In Orrville, with other doctors from her department...to help people there after the first one..."_

_Oh crap._

_Something bad had obviously transpired. Tornadoes were no joke. And the idea of April being anywhere near one? A lump formed in his throat. This couldn't be happening. It shouldn't be. April shouldn't even be there. She should be in Seattle. If not for him, Jackson knew that she probably would have stayed. And though he knew wouldn't like what was going to come next, but he had to press._

_"And?"_

_"April's hurt," the young woman replied with a whimper._

_Everything seemed to slow down. Jackson was unaware of the hospital around him or even the wall he leaned up against for support. He only cared to concentrate on the shaky voice in his ear._

_"How bad?"_

_Alice took a deep breath that he could only hope was steadying, before she stammered, "They said-they said she hit her head. Or something hit her head. Maybe twice? They are checking for a skull fracture. Um, and she's got_ _lots of cuts from broken glass. Collar bone might be broken too. The hospital she was in roof collapsed or blew off or something, I-I don't really know. They won't let me see her. They just brought her back to Case Western and...they're saying she's having s-seizures or something. From pressure? M_ _ight need a crani- crani-_ _"_

_"Craniotomy."_

_Jackson swallowed anxiously. That was serious. Possibly even indicative of TBI. And for April that was just unthinkable. He literally couldn't process it. How could it be that so many people in his life ended up having brushes with death? And so many of those had ended up with actual death._

_Reed, Charles, Mark, Lexie. Dr. Webber._

_Dead._

_Derek, Meredith, Cristina, Robbins, Torres, and even Alex._

_Nearly dead._

_And now April, who was probably the best friend Jackson had ever had, the one person he'd allowed himself to become closest to in his entire life, was seizing and probably bleeding into her brain somewhere in Ohio. All the while, while he was on bad terms with her. It was just too much._

_"My boyfriend is out of town and my parents aren't h-here yet," Alice continued. "They are driving in with Libby and her husband's home with the kids and no one else is here. It's only me and_ __I don't-don't really know the medical stuff. I know you're her friend...and you're a doctor too.T_ hat's why I called you. I got your number from April's phone."_

_It felt like his tongue was caught in his throat. He felt like a fool. Everything, all the stuff that had happened between them, suddenly seemed so irrelevant to Jackson. He just wanted April to be okay. He'd give anything for her to be okay._

_"Oh God," Alice sobbed, seemingly having lost all ability to maintain her composure. _"I'm scared..."__

_Jackson could remember April telling him animated stories about her family and life growing up on her parents farm in Moline, Ohio over the years. Her sisters were a topic of particular interest, since he always seemed to have trouble understanding all the sibling stuff. Jackson had enjoyed being an only child for the most part. Growing up, it was just him and his mother, along with some occasional interactions with his grandfather and other extended family, and even that had felt like it was mostly just the relatives dismissing him for being pretty._

_But hearing April's numerous stories about life with her family in Moline, Jackson did have to wonder._

_From her stories, Jackson also knew that of the three sisters, April and Alice had a particularly close bond with each other. She'd told him how happy she remembered feeling when the youngest Kepner was born. The 6 year old had delighted in finally no longer being the middle child, and took Alice under her wing. Given that closeness, Jackson could understand the panic response the young woman was having._

_Hell, here he was, desperately leaning against a wall in the hospital. He was having a bit of a panic himself. He didn't want to fear the worst, but damned if he wasn't scared too._

_April wouldn't want either of them to be frightened._

_"Alice," Jackson tried to comfort. "If she just got there, they probably are not letting you see her until she is more stable. That's all. Especially if they need to prep her for a procedure. Vitals can fluctuate a lot during a transfer."_

_"Yeah?"_

_"Mhmm...it sounds like they are taking really good care of April. She..." His voice wavered, and he gulped hard, trying to maintain his calm facade. "She always said Case Western had some of the best ER times in the country. I'm sure you'll hear something soon."_

_"I hope so."_

_"I know so. Head injuries are unpredictable. They are just making sure everything is stable before they update you. I've done the same thing with patient's families a bunch of times."_

_Jackson frowned when she didn't respond, so he pressed, "But you know what? I'm gonna stay on the phone with you. We don't even have to talk. I'll just stay on until they talk to you, or until your parents get there, okay?"_

_"Okay."_

_In that moment, everything became clear to Jackson. For the first time in a long time actually, he felt like he actually knew what he had to do and where he had to be. Who needed him and what he might be able to do to help. The sudden feeling of knowing, of certainty, cut through all the rest of the panicked, sickening, regretful emotions that paralyzed him here in the hallway._

_He knew what he had to do. He knew where he belonged._

_"Alice," Jackson said urgently. "_ _I need you to listen to me."_

_"Okay..."_

_He began walking toward the attendings lounge at a break neck pace to change his clothes and gather his belongings, "I am going to book the first flight I can find to Cleveland, okay? I'll be there as soon as I can."_

_"I...You don't have to, I'm sorry...I didn't mean to make you feel like you have to-"_

_"Your sister is-" Jackson swallowed. "Your sister matters more to me than you understand. I'm flying out there."_

April called him at 10:31 pm on the Wednesday of the sixth week.

Jackson was at home, alone watching the sports recap on the ten o'clock news when he heard the sound of his phone rattling on the hard wooden surface of his kitchen table. Again, he almost didn't answer it. He was relatively comfortable and it was late, and he'd just been contemplating going to bed.

But something drew him to stand up and at least check who the call was from. And once Jackson saw that the number was from Ohio, all bets were off. It was April. He stood up a little straighter, reaching out and picking up the phone.

Finally, the call he'd been waiting for. The call he'd thought would never come.

Jackson took a deep breath. He'd been desperate for this. But now he was a little afraid. More than a little afraid actually.

He pressed the answer button, and greeted, "Hello? April?"

She didn't speak right away. But Jackson could tell it was her. He could hear her breathing. He knew what her breathing sounded like. He remembered.

Already the call felt tense.

"It's really late for you, isn't it?" Jackson continued, trying his best to make some sort of small talk. "You guys are Eastern time, right? So, it's like 1:30 in the morning for you..."

Jackson winced as he heard April expel a puff of air. The kind of sigh a person gave in irritation, not amusement. Almost a snort. Then again, he had just stated the obvious.

"Night shift at work?" he surmised after a long period of silence. He returned to the couch and slumped back into it's comfy depths, muting his tv. Jackson was starting to wonder whether this conversation was going to be completely one-sided.

April still didn't answer.

"April?" he tried again. "Are you there?"

Finally, she did answer, in clipped tones and with such a cold voice that Jackson almost shivered.

"You said we should  _talk_ , Jackson. So let's talk. Cut all this pretense and really really talk."

Apparently small talk was out for the evening.

* * *

April had no idea what the hell she was doing. She honestly hadn't even intended on calling Jackson tonight. Or maybe ever.

After all these years, he suddenly had the nerve to ask her to all him. Like he actually wanted to air out all those pesky and devastating issues that had caused much of the damaging rift that now stood between them.

Why now? April didn't see much, if any, good that could come from them discussing things. The ship, as they say, had sailed. And it irked her too, that seemingly yet again, Jackson was dictating things all on his terms. Just like he had when he'd broken up with her after the pregnancy scare. And when he'd rejected her during the Seattle storm. And like when he'd disappeared on her when she was in the hospital.

Spinning slowly from side to side in her desk chair, April surveyed the photographs on her desk as she listened to Jackson fumble at her directness.

Her eyes settled on one of her and Lindsey from the previous Christmas day. It was the little girl's favorite holiday, and she'd been more than a little hyper. Sometimes it could be annoying and even worrying, but April adored how open and uninhibited her daughter really was. And how free she could make April feel. In the picture, both she and Lindsey were mugging for the camera, tongues out, eyes closed and and with Lindsey's arm in the air. They'd both been particularly happy with their Christmas gifts, but for the purpose of photographic silence they both had pretended to be displeased.

April couldn't say that she'd never daydreamed about what a child of her and Jackson might be like. She'd be lying if she denied it. The images plagued her mind, particularly during both her pregnancies. Followed closely of course by intense guilt. You are not supposed to dream about children you will never have at the exact time you are preparing to give birth to the ones you will have. April knew that. And she did love her children.

Generally, she tried to push past the thoughts when they came, knowing that it was pretty disloyal to her own children to wonder whether her child with Jackson would have his eyes or nose. What personality she might have. Whether he would struggle with his identity as an Avery as much as Jackson had. There were just so many possibilities to consider. And since seeing Jackson in Boston, the thoughts seemed to always be there. Speaking with him made them surface even more.

April knew that if she had been pregnant 10 years ago, everything would be different.

But things were not different. April had a life, a job, and a family in Ohio with Matthew now. And there was just nothing that could come from them 'talking' like Jackson wanted. So for the past six weeks, April just wasn't sure what to do. Initially after they'd returned from Boston, she'd left the little business card he gave her pants pocket. She hadn't wanted to face any of it.

But of course April had to be the one woman on the planet who's husband actually took the initiative to do laundry.

_April squinted, trying to decipher the looping strokes of her son's handwriting as she checked over his homework. Jake had a spelling test coming up, and so far it seemed that the boy would probably have to spend some extra time reviewing his work. She smiled faintly. He always did better with numbers than words. A lot like her, actually._

_Matthew strolled into the kitchen, swallowing awkwardly and carrying a laundry hamper on his hip, "I'm just doing a load of darks..."_

_April nodded as he walked over to the washer and began to unload their combined clothes. He typically tended to leave this particular chore for April, favoring cooking, automotive, and lawn maintenance as his go to chores. But lately Matthew was eager to do laundry as well. Which made April feel a little guilty._

_Because Matthew was always maddeningly trying to be a good husband. And she knew in her heart of hearts that she didn't put in half as much effort to be as good a spouse to him as he did her._

_It was a good time of night to get things done. Both kids were playing in the living room, relishing their hour of television for the evening before they had to go to bed. She returned to looking over Jake's homework._

_"What's this?" Matthew asked suddenly, lifting a small gray card from an out turned pocket._

_"Hmm?" April answered distractedly, as she crossed out another extra vowel from Jake's spelling practice._

_"Avery gave you his card."_

_Her head snapped up and she blinked, trying to act like it was no bid deal. She shrugged, "Yeah. I...I'd forgotten about it until now."_

_Liar liar pants on fire._

_"Oh," Matthew frowned. "Did you want to call him?"_

_April didn't know yet so she replied,"Jackson says he...misses me. He wants to try being friends again."_

_Probably best to leave out the whole 'not saying I love you back was the biggest mistake of my life' part._

_"I'll bet," her husband snorted_ _disdainfully, rolling his eyes. "He's just trying to draw you back in."_

_She felt her metaphorical hackles rise. April could hardly figure out why Jackson had really asked her to call and at one point she'd known him better than anyone else. What the hell did Matthew know about why Jackson behaved the way he did?_

_"Or he just wants to reconnect. We were very close friends before...everything happened."_

_Matt folded up the card and walked over to the sink, pulling open the cabinet beneath, and leaning forward to deposit it in the trash, "I doubt it. He sees what he missed out on and now he feels like an idiot. We have a great life, and he doesn't, and he's pissed he didn't try to accept you ten years ago. But he is an arrogant trust fund baby whose been handed everything in his life on the silver spoon of nepotism, so he thinks he can get whatever he wants whenever he wants-"_

_That pissed her off even more. Matthew didn't know the first thing about Jackson or his abilities. Yes, being an Avery had played a huge role in Jackson's life, but it had also caused him a lot of heartache. And she knew first hand that he was a damned good plastic surgeon, and a better leader than he gave himself credit for. Matthew knew nothing._

_Nothing._

_"Hey!" April interrupted tersely. "What do you think you're doing?"_

_Matthew paused and pursed his lips, "Do you wanna call him?"_

_"I don't know!"_

_"I don't think you should."_

_April's eyes widened and her nostrils flared. She didn't know whether or not she would place a phone call to Jackson Avery, but she damned well knew that the decision was hers and hers alone to make and not Matthew's. _  
__

_"You can't tell me what to do, Matthew," she snapped coldly._

_"Fine," Matthew sighed, backing down quicker than she'd expected and placing the card next to her. "But, I think you should throw this out."_

_Swiftly grabbing hold of the small paper, April rolled her eyes sarcastically, "Your opinion is noted."_

These days, it was hard for April to tell exactly who she was mad at. Matthew, Jackson, or herself? Probably all three.

She just knew that she was angry.

Of course, April couldn't bring herself to throw Jackson's number away. And a five weeks later, here she was hiding out in her office in the middle of an exceptionally slow night shift, on the phone with him.

On the other end of the line, she heard Jackson swallow, "So, you really wanna just...jump right into this."

April smacked her lips in frustration and rolled her eyes, "Unless you wanna wait another ten years?"

"No! I just thought-"

"What? What did you think, Jackson?" she demanded. "I'm not sure what you have in mind with all this, but you asked me to call. So I'm calling. And if you don't have anything of substance to say, I have plenty of other things I could be doing right now, so I might as well just hang up."

"No!" Jackson repeated almost desperately. "Don't hang up. I just thought we...we could maybe try to talk through what happened with us after we broke up? I mean, to move forward. Past all the mistakes. I'm tired of being stuck like this."

Oh, this was going to be rich.

April's lip curled into a snarl, "We weren't even ever  _really_  together though, were we? It was all fun and games and sex, until someone had a pregnancy scare."

She didn't really think that their brief sexual relationship amounted to something quite that simple, or quite that sordid. Or maybe she just didn't want to admit that a series of events that had impacted her so profoundly might really something that insignificant. That her first experiences with sex could really have just been fueled by lust and hormones and not something more meaningful. At least on Jackson's end. It was hard for her to find the words to describe what they'd shared.

But she'd had a lot of time to think and process what had happened and April knew that whatever it was they'd been doing together back during that first year of their fellowships, it wasn't dating. Hugs and hookups did not a relationship make.

Skulking around from on call room to on call room and fucking each other's brains out was hardly something April would ever call a relationship, especially given that now she'd been in an actual marriage for over eight years. Much as it angered April to talk with Matt from time to time, at least they talked. Communication was the major failing between herself and Jackson and she'd learned it was essential to any real long lasting relationship.

Furthermore, when people were really dating, they went on actual dates. And they could change that pesky little relationship status on facebook so their friends knew that they were dating. And they didn't keep secrets from their families. An actual relationship, and  _actual_  dating was about so much more than just sex.

"That's not what happened. I can't believe you think that. We were dating," Jackson answered, the certainty in his voice both surprising and angering April so much that she sat up straight in her chair.

"Oh?" April snapped. "How was I supposed to know that? We never said anything."

"I told you I had feelings..."

A groan caught in her throat. Ah, yes. She remembered the conversation well. She'd played it over and over again in her mind as she lay sobbing into her pillow the night Jackson had initially broken things off with her. And she'd gone back there again, when Jackson had rebuffed her during the storm. And again when she found out that he'd flown back to Seattle after her surgery.

Jackson had said he had feelings. A lot of them. For her and about her. It was the only and last concrete insight she'd ever gotten into how he really felt in all of this. Well, until he told her in Boston that he had regrets. So he'd had feelings.  _Feelings._

April hadn't found certainty in those words ten years ago and she didn't find it now. "What does that even mean, Jackson?"

"It means," Jackson snarled. "I cared for you. I  _care_  for you!"

His use of the present tense surprised April, but she wasn't really sure what to make of it. She could hear that he was getting angry now too. Whatever. If this call turned out to be a throw down, no holds barred fight, then so be it. April had all this anger inside anyway. At least she'd get some of it out.

"Oh, okay then, you cared so much about me that you waited all of a minute and a half to go sleep with an intern."

"You set me up with her!"

"As a date to a wedding, not for...for-"

"April, it wasn't like I was cheating on your or anything, it was after we broke up."

'We.'

Again, a man in April's life foisting a 'we' on her that she didn't want.

"We? You're the one who who ended things!" April retorted. "What happened to all your 'caring feelings' when you decided that me not being pregnant was probably a sign that we should stop? I wanted to keep dating. I was willing to go on the pill for you!"

She realized with a frown how juvenile and petty that last bit sounded. But at the time, it had felt like a huge decision. Going on the pill and continuing to sleep with Jackson would have marked a hugely definitive turning point in how April defined her personal values as well as her faith. And she'd been willing and eager to go there, once all the stress and panic about the baby was gone. But, instead that night had ended with her sitting alone on a bench. Dumped. And she'd revirginized  _again_ , and abstained from sex up until her wedding night.

All that had evolved in terms of her personal beliefs was a ragging case of cynicism. Which really added to her whole host of awesome and easily accepted personality traits. She was a neurotic, a perfectionist, and a debbie downer. Certainly explained how many friends she had in Ohio. Hard to believe that she could be less popular in Cleveland than she had been in Seattle.

But it was true. Outside of church, family, and old high school people, April didn't really think she had any friends. She made nice with a lot of the wives of Matthew's buddies, but she didn't really let any of them get too close to her. Even her own sisters had to be kept at arms length too in a lot of ways. April was afraid if people looked to closely at the facade of her life they might see all the cracks. And so, no one, not her mother, Libby, Kimmie, or even Alice knew the truth about her past with Jackson. Or how she'd ended up marrying Matthew.

The wedge it created between them hurt April, but what else was new? A lot of things in life hurt. She supposed it was her lot in life to be a loner. She'd lost the best friend she'd ever had, and mostly through her own actions. She probably didn't deserve another.

"Well, it wasn't exactly like I had much choice," Jackson grumbled. "You were so relieved not to  _have_ to be married to me..."

April's shoulders sagged. She knew she was at fault for a lot of the things that went on. She'd struggled a lot, and taken Jackson's presence and support in her life for granted. Words had been her downfall. As ever. Her mouth ran a lot faster than her brain, and she'd said things that she now  _knew_  had hurt him. But at the time, April had just been so caught up in the whirlwind of it all. She'd never really stopped to consider things on Jackson's end, since she'd assumed that for him, sex and relationships were old hat.

April had been selfish, but she never meant to hurt him.

A person's first sexual relationship felt... _so_ big, and it was easy to over think and to say things you didn't mean. She'd seen that with Matthew, actually. In the first months of their relationship he'd been all awkward and insecure, and he'd said  _plenty_  of dumb things. Turned out to be a very eye opening experience.

April swallowed and answered in a slightly less frustrated tone, "I'm sorry it came out like that, Jackson. I didn't think before I spoke. I really was just happy not to be pregnant."

"That's not the only stuff you said," Jackson replied petulantly. "Or the only time you said it. It was like...the straw that broke the camel's back. I mean, I know now that I over reacted a bit, but for crying out loud, April! You made me feel like crap after every time we made love."

She almost chuckled at his choice of words. It seemed so un-Jackson-like. As an idealistic teenager (and an idealistic adult) who'd spent probably way too much time reading sappy (and usually Christian) romance novels, April was once a big fan of the phrase. It sounded so beautiful. Like an act of art. Poetry and the truest expression of love or something like that. She'd really pretty much held on to her preference for the phrase right up until the whole debacle with Jackson.

And ever since then she'd been more cynical.

April had sex with Matthew. They didn't make love. They satisfied each others needs, fulfilled the obligations of a marriage, and generally had a decent time. In the beginning her husband had needed a little guidance, but based on what she heard from others, April was pretty sure she could say that her marriage had a pretty ordinary sex life. Nothing mind blowing. Nothing like in her books. She could use a myriad of euphemisms to talk about it with her sisters; carnivals, chimney sweeps, and oil changes. Even hay rolling.

But she'd never thought to describe any of her experiences of sex with her husband as lovemaking. April wasn't certain she could categorize any of her experiences with sex as making love.

Much as she wished she could.

_The adrenaline and the afterglow was starting to ware off and the panic was starting to set in, and April felt the smile fade away. Her breathing evened out as she came down from the high, and her mind started racing. It wasn't supposed to be like this. She wasn't supposed to be this weak and susceptible to desire. Not after years of praying and waiting._

_The only other time she'd even come close to this with Alex in an on call room, she'd largely attributed to her own mini version of shock related to the Gary Clark shooting. Staring down the barrel of a gun had put a lot of things in perspective for April. She knew she was kind of behind in the timeline of her life, at least in the romance department, and it had taken literally almost dying as a virgin to make her reconsider her teenage abstinence pledge. The experience had almost been enough to make her throw out the idea altogether, almost enough for her to just say to hell with it and sleep with Karev just to get it over with, so in the likely even that she never met her true love before she met death then at least her epitaph would not say:_ _'Here lies April Kepner. Virgin.'_

_Almost enough, but not quite._

_Because Karev was as messed up as she was, but in a different way and he'd treated her like crap, and that was enough to remind her of why she'd made the abstinence promise in the first place. She'd remembered that no matter what, no matter how insecure or left out or annoying April felt, she still deserved better. Saving sex for marriage was what God wanted for her because God wanted her to find love. Being loved before dying was ultimately way more important that simply having a physical experience. Jesus must have had more confidence in April than she did for herself, because after the near incident with Alex, she'd recommitted herself to her plan of abstinence and held faith in the fact that her love would come._

_God had a plan. At least, she'd thought He did._

_Until she'd lost her virginity in a hotel room to Jackson Avery the night before her boards. April still couldn't believe she'd actually let her desires lead her to this moment._ _This was supposed to happen on her wedding night, not the evening before one of the biggest exams of her life, and most importantly it was supposed to happen with her husband._

_It was supposed to be with her true love. And as much as April might have crushed on Jackson from afar, she doubted that guys like him turned out to be the true loves of girls like her._

_Even worse. The act itself had felt great. Way better than April imagined it would be. Better than the stories her sisters had shared of their first encounters with husbands and boyfriends._

_She actually liked it. Sex felt really really good._

_Oh God. What had she done?_

_Jackson was still talking to her, leaning above her on one elbow, "So, you're okay?"_

_"Yeah, I'm fine," April replied, unable to look him in the eyes. "I'm just...tired._

_He laughed and mumbled affirmatively and she could just feel the awkwardness filling the room and the panic flowing up from her heart. April swallowed and blinked, and wondered what Jackson really thought about the whole thing. How much he must be judging her because, oh God, he really was as perfect naked as an imagination could conjure and she was entirely certain that his imagination had never pictured her naked in the first place and now he'd never ever want to because he knew _where her freckles ended,_  exactly which parts of her jiggled, which parts were shaved and which parts weren't, and how one boob was slightly smaller than the other and probably nothing like any of the model types he'd gotten with in the past and..._

_Oh God, oh God, oh God._

_"You should get some sleep."_

_A_ _pril tried to keep her words calm and normal, even though she really had no idea what 'normal' in a post coital context sounded like and honestly the one person she'd normally ask about tricky guy-girl stuff was Jackson but she couldn't ask him now because he was the guy she'd just had sex with and then he'd know that she was feeling anything but normal and it would surely make him feel bad and she really didn't want to make him feel bad, especially after he'd just made her feel so good._

_Jackson chuckled and flopped on to his back, "Yeah, I should get some sleep."_

_She bit her lip and stared at the ceiling trying not to think of what her pastor back home would think of all of this. Or about how much more awkward this is going to be when she and Jackson wake up in the morning and had to get dressed and ready for the boards. What if it meant they'd be doing each other again in the morning? What did it mean if she kind of wanted to? The temptation was even more alluring once she'd already transgressed._

_"Here, or?"_

_April felt a twinge of guilt when she realized that her first gut instinct is to seize on this and shout, "No!" Her thoughts were leaving her breathless and she just needed to be alone to quash them or at least silence them since, oh God boards are literally today because tonight's already turned into tomorrow and this can't really be conducive to doing well because she hasn't even thought of possible patient scenarios since before dinner and h_ _e wouldn't have offered to leave if he didn't really want to, right?_

_She had no idea how to handle this._

_"Yeah," April replied shrilly as her eyes darted around the generic hotel room that would now be a memorably setting on the landscape of her life experiences. "Yeah. Or...or you could go..."_

_Hearing it out loud made her feel like a total she was being terribly rude, so April half heartedly added, "Don't you have to get your pencil?"_

_"It's the middle of the night," Jackson joked, laughing awkwardly, and she could just barely see him smiling at her out of the corner of her eye and even though it's not really funny she founds herself laughing too._

_"Right."_

_"Yeah," he breathed, before adding nonchalantly. "But you know what? I could go if you want."_

_April carefully tilted her head to glance at him. Jackson was definitely watching her, measuring her, and she looked away again afraid he'll see to much._

_"Yeah, you know what? I'll go," he sat up and looked down at her again. "And get some sleep."_

_"Okay."_

_She can't help but look at him now. Her eyes felt drawn to his like a magnet. But she didn't find the disgust or regret she expected to see in his gaze. Jackson looked happy._

_Still looking pleased, he asked her one last time, "Are you sure you're okay?"_

_And April couldn't tell the truth. He seemed happy. Satisfied. At least for the night. She wasn't about to take that away. Especially, since she'd basically thrown herself at him. So she did her best to hold his gaze and make him believe her next words,_ _"I'm great."_

_It seemed to have done the trick because Jackson practically beamed at her, and a grin appeared on his lips, "Then I'll see you tomorrow"_

_Then he leaned forward and kissed April so sweetly it took her breath away. Almost lovingly. Like she could close her eyes and pretend that this meant something, that this was more than what it was and that her best friend might actually cherish and love her the way a true love might._

_But the moment was over all too soon, as Jackson sat up and walked away from the bed. He stared walking backwards in the room, retracing the steps that had led them to the bed and began gathering his clothes. He quickly threw on what he needed to and in a flash seemed to be gone._

_She lifted her arm to her chest uncertainly, suddenly and acutely aware of his absence in the bed, as her racing thoughts consumed her mind and prevented her from finding rest._

"I know," April answered in a voice barely above a whisper. "I know I made you feel bad and all I can say is I'm sorry. It was...I couldn't reconcile how I was feeling about making my promise to God to how I was feeling about...how good it felt-"

"All that religion was a lot to deal with," Jackson commented. "And then you like tried to erase everything all together? I know it mattered to you a lot, but Jesus, April? Revirginizing? Ridiculous. I've never even heard of that. It sounds made up."

April lifted her elbow to her desk and used her hand to hold up her head wearily. And here it was again, the other part of their issues when it came to the past. Communication and her faith. They'd never talked like this at the time they'd been sleeping together, and so the faith thing, along with everything else was ignored.

And Jackson had inadvertently revealed his thoughts on the subject to April a long time ago. She repeated his words, "Me and my nutjob beliefs..."

"I really was joking when I said that," he explained sadly. "I didn't mean it that way."

"It still hurt that you thought it." She never had the sense that he took her relationship with God seriously.

Jackson sighed, "I guess I just didn't understand."

"It feels like you didn't try to."

"Maybe not, but you never told me anything. I had no idea you were even like that until after we hooked up."

April rubbed her temple. That was true. She didn't disclose her faith to anyone because she feared their reactions. She'd had some bad responses in medical school and college that she really wasn't eager to repeat with her new peers. And certainly not with men she was attracted to. Back then, even at a state school in Ohio, guys had turned her down for dates, knowing that not only was she annoying, but also because they knew that at the end of putting up with all that annoying they certainly weren't going to get any. One guy had told her as much.

"Are you still there?"

She sighed, "Yeah."

"I really did want to marry you," Jackson said sadly. "Baby or not. When I said I was all in, I think I really meant it. Your reaction just threw me."

She swallowed roughly as she felt tears form in her eyes. April had never considered he felt that way. Nothing in what he'd said or done before and after the pregnancy scare really demonstrated that in her mind. She'd assumed it was all about obligation to his potential child. A potential future Avery.

Why on earth had Jackson never told her the truth until now?

"How all in could you have been if..." she swallowed again, feeling some of her anger return with a vengeance. "If that's all it took for you to walk away?"

"I just thought you didn't want that, you know?" Jackson continued. "I didn't think you wanted that with me. And so then when you said you did want me...I just thought that you were freaking out again like you always did. Since I almost died. I didn't think you meant it. You could have fought for me, you know? Stuck around a little longer after you broke up with Matthew? I would have seen, I would have understood-"

April rolled her eyes, "I didn't know there was anything there to fight for, since you shot me down twice when I spoke directly. You never spoke directly. Or, actually you did, and it wasn't exactly what I wanted to hear so...It was painful to stay. What was I supposed to do? Put my life on hold? Until when? Until now? Because this is the first time we've ever really dragged a lot of this out. I honestly thought there was no hope. I'm sorry Jackson, but I wasn't about to waste my entire life pining over a lost cause."

Her resentment was back at full force and April even was surprised by the venom of her own voice, "You  _told_  me there was no hope. I told you I loved you, and you told me it was too hard. And then you were just gone. I woke up and you were gone."

She heard Jackson swallow hard, "I didn't think you remembered all of that..."

"I do."

_"I love you."_

_Once she said it, April realized even through the splitting pain that she'd been wanting to say that. Burning to say that to him for a long time, even though her perception of time at the moment was wrong and she knew it._

_She remembered the roof blowing away and the sudden shock of looking up and seeing the gray stormy sky above the hallway. She remembered the cool sticky feeling of Reed's blood as it seeped into her scrubs. She remembered the world altering jolt she'd felt when the lighting fixture hit the side of her forehead. She remembered how proud her father looked on the day she'd received her acceptance letter to medical school. She remembered falling to her knees and holding her hands up to her head as the howling wind sucked up her howl of pain, adding it into the roar so no one could hear anything. She remembered that the wind blew away everything; both her blood and her tears._

_She remembered the first time she and Jackson shared a pizza. She remembered thinking that this was it, in the howling wind and searing pain; this was how April Kepner was going to die. She remembered the explosion of pain she felt when something else hard and metal impacted the back of her head and how quickly everything went black after that. She remembered giggling and kissing Jackson as he lifted her into the air. She remembered being awake on the ambulance. She remembered wishing that Jackson knew how much she loved him. She remembered _the pain in her head and the ache in her muscles as her limbs jerked around wildly and totally out of her control. She remembered spit rolling down her chin._  She remembered how much she regretted not telling him. She remembered being frozen._

_That could have been a second ago. It could have been a lifetime ago._

_She didn't want to die without telling the truth._

_"April, you've hit your head," Jackson replied, repeating what he says to her every time she can recall fading in or out. But she didn't need the reminded. Her head injury has nothing and everything to do with what she wanted Jackson to know._

_"I know..." April croaked, wincing as the vibrations of her own voice seemed to send knives into her aching head. "But I still love you. I didn't tell you sooner 'cuz I didn't know..."_

_"You don't know what you're saying," he said nervously._

_"Uh huh." April experimented with softer vocalizations in the hope that the throbbing in her head caused by sound didn't escalate to the paralyzing and scary seizures she remembered from before._

_Jackson continued, more to himself than her, "And it doesn't matter anyway."_

_Her foggy mind couldn't quite compute. How could love not matter? As best April could think right now, the only reason that explained Jackson being here with her right now was because he loved her._

_"We didn't work, April," Jackson said quietly as he stroked the back of her hand. "We don't work. We'll never work. It's too hard and it hurt us and you'll remember that tomorrow. Or the next day. We're too different. You don't know what you're saying."_

_The throbbing in her head didn't die down, and it was making it hard for April to find any of her words at all, much less the right ones for a reply. The terrifying and uncontrollable movements were back in her arms and if she wasn't careful, she knew she'd be drooling and her limbs would jerk everywhere. Right in front of Jackson. It seemed to be getting worse and April breathed through her mouth trying to push back the curtain of unconsciousness that she could feel falling in front of her eyes._

_It didn't work._

"April, look I am really sorry about that," Jackson began desperately. "I can explain-"

"I told you in Boston that I didn't want to think about it," April snapped. "I hate thinking about it. I'll always hate thinking about it! So shut up!"

Long silence. April could only hear the sounds of Jackson's ragged breaths, which revealed to her just how much her words affected him.

Finally he whispered, "I didn't think you'd be this angry..."

"Well, you're not the only one who can be mad. Or who has feelings."

Her shoulders sagged and she leaned back in her chair. "Look, I don't like being a person that's hard to love. I've always been that person, but I don't like it. I never wanted to be anyone's obligation. And you never, even now...you've never said you love me. Or loved me."

Jackson protested, "I said I was-"

"You said you were sorry that you never said it back. That's not the same as saying 'I love you'," April corrected. "And now it really doesn't make a difference. Then it could have. But if loving me hurt you  _so_  badly, and if was  _so_  hard then...I don't know. I don't know if it's supposed to be like that. Matthew is a lot of things, but he never had to struggle to love me. He tells me how much he loves me. And I know it's probably really selfish and insecure and proves the exact point about me being hard to love in the first place but...but I think I needed that. I think I need that."

"Wow," Jackson breathed.

April set her jaw ruefully, "Me being selfish is no big surprise I guess."

"No."

"Great," she snorted sarcastically.

"No wait! I meant I wasn't thinking that," Jackson explained. "About you being selfish. That's not it at all, I swear. I just-You're so different now."

"Oh yeah, I know that," April answered angrily. "I lie to my own family now. I'm a fake. My whole freaking life is a fake. You made me a fake."

She knew it was wrong to blame him for everything. No one had twisted her arm to marry Matthew. She got her children through him and at least she wasn't alone. Someone loved her, even if she didn't love him back the same way. But it was easier to be mad at Jackson than herself or her husband for that matter. Most of the time, April knew to blame herself, but right now she just wanted to lash out. Old habits die hard.

Unlike during their residency, Jackson didn't take the bait. Instead he surprised her with a question that irked her because it was clearly as futile as it was sincere.

"Are you happy, April? I know, I'm not."

April blinked, taking deep breaths as she listened to Jackson. This question somehow was too much on top of all they'd aired out so far. It was over the top. She couldn't, no she wouldn't, handle that. April was done.

"What do you think?" she hissed before reaching down and pressing the red button on her phone screen.

She'd had enough of this call.

 


	5. Chapter 5

He didn't expect her to be that angry.

Sure, Jackson had expected there to be anger and resentment. Hell, he had his own supply of both when it came to looking back on what happened between himself and April. So, it wasn't really a surprise for him to consider that April might be angry too. The bigger surprise for him was that she called at all.

And then let him have it.

He really had not anticipated the depth of the anger he'd heard in April's voice. In all their years as friends, Jackson had seen her pissed, but he'd never experienced this. He could hear it in her voice. Her voice was one that tended toward the high, the sweet, and the calming. People had made fun of it in the past, but Jackson had always known that when all else failed, no matter how much April was trying to hide something, he could always hear truth in her voice.

The voice on the other end of the phone sounded tired. Cold. And, in more than a few places, vicious.

But he couldn't really fault April for it. Nothing she'd said was untrue. Looking back on the demise of their relationship now, her perspective was actually perfectly understandable.

Jackson supposed it just proved that old saying he'd heard over the years. There really was a fine line between love and hate. That those sentiments were often two sides of the same coin. Two horns on the same bull. And all of that. Jackson wasn't really great with metaphors.

April had changed. He had changed her. She'd told him that once.

_Jackson stood in the doorway, watching as she stood, looking beautiful in red beside the mirror in the locker room. Telling him things that didn't quite ease his apprehensions about leaving. Things that he didn't quite understand. But the words were enough to make him slow down. To press pause on all of his confused feelings and just be._

_Just for one night._

_"You changed me, Jackson. And I loved that."_

Maybe he had, but he wondered whether it had really turned out to be a change for the better.

One thing was certain: The April who called him last week? She was a whole different person. A person he didn't really know. Once, long ago, Jackson felt that the one person in the word that he truly knew was April Kepner. But it seemed that April Taylor was not the same. April Taylor was fuming mad. A seemingly impenetrable fortress of anger. Anger he wasn't sure he could ever overcome because he was at the root of all the hurt it covered up. In no small part he'd created this person that didn't want to talk to him.

And yet, Jackson did find a victory in the whole thing.

As pissed as April clearly was, she still called.  _She_  had called  _him_. Just like he'd asked her to. So for her there was a pull too. She still called him. Jackson wasn't sure what her calling meant exactly, but he knew deep down in the core of his soul that the call itself meant as much, if not more than any of the topics they'd discussed.

It had to mean that the door wasn't completely closed to further contact. That there was still some chance, even the slightest chance, that Jackson could salvage some sort of relationship with his former best friend. Once he got to know her again. Once he figured out what to do about her rage. Maybe it wouldn't be perfect, and he knew he wasn't exactly in a position to lure April away from her husband, much as he now understood how he felt.

But Jackson had hope that he wouldn't be subjected to missing her again with no end in sight. A friendship, the one kind of relationship that they actually had a history of success with, was still in the realm of possibility. He needed to hope for that.

She might have been mad, but April had called once. As far as Jackson was concerned that infinitely improved the odds that she would call again. He'd let her make the moves and go at her own pace, but he figured receiving another call was only a matter of time. And Jackson could wait.

This small victory had, in fact, been the source of his improved mood in the two weeks that followed April's phone call. He'd stopped grumbling to his mother about the upcoming decisions they would have to make about awarding Harper Avery Foundation opportunity grants. He'd taken doughnuts and fresh coffee to each of the 3 board meetings he'd chaired. Jackson even managed (against the wheezing skype protests of Harper Avery in Boston) to wrangle his way into a few interesting surgeries, instead of letting his plastics practice take a backseat to his duties as an administrator.

It seemed too, that his co-workers could see the slight change in Jackson's spirits. Karev noticed when they'd worked together on a cleft palate kid, giving Jackson a nudge as they stood in the x-ray room examining the boy's films.

"So...I'm guessing Kepner came through with a call, huh?"

Jackson grew pensive, "She did."

"Cool. I told you she would."

Alex nodded his head and crossed his arms, clearly trying to keep his gaze focused on the x-rays. Jackson smirked. He could tell that Karev didn't want to pry, but he could also plainly see that the pediatric surgeon was desperately curious to know more. And even though they'd never really been close, Alex Karev was the only person he had in Seattle who knew about April's call.

So Jackson decided to put his friend out of his misery and elaborated, "She hung up on me."

"Oh..." Alex replied, wincing awkwardly.

"She's kind of pissed," Jackson explained, for some reason eager to share his perception of the situation. "But she still called, which I think means we can work to be some sort of friends again. Once we talk more. So that's something."

The other surgeon pursed his lips and nodded skeptically, "Something."

"Well, I mean, it's better than not getting a call," Jackson rationalized as Alex's unenthusiastic response dimmed his impression of the situation. "I'm still someone April will talk to."

"She hung up on you. That's not talking. It's hardly a ringing endorsement, man."

Once Jackson had had trouble dealing when things didn't go exactly the way he wanted. Now he was determined to make an effort to be more flexible. With April especially. He was willing to deal with less than ideal. He didn't want to give up simply because the call hadn't ended well. The fact that April called mattered more to Jackson than the fact that she'd hung up.

He crossed his arms defensively, "Well, I wasn't really expecting one. And we did...talk, sort of. Before she hung up."

"Whatever."

"It's better than nothing, okay?"

Alex shrugged and leaned closer to the x-rays, eyeing Jackson suspiciously, "If that works for you, man."

"It does."

Sighing heavily Alex, scratched the back of his head, "What's your endgame in all of this, Avery?"

Maybe that was a part of the problem. Now that he stopped to think about it, Jackson realized had  _never_  known his endgame when it came to April. Or at least, he'd never been willing, able or brave enough to face it.

Even when it stared him right in the face.

_Jackson arrived in Cleveland in the middle of the night. The wind and storm that had likely contributed to all of this raged on, though at much less intensity in the city than April must have encountered further south. He took a taxi directly from the airport to Case Western Reserve, striding into the hospital's buzzing Emergency Room just after 2:30 am. There was no way he was going to a hotel. He was a mess of panic and fear, but he did have a singular focus. He needed to be here. _He didn't know for how long, or in what capacity and that didn't even really matter. He needed to be there._  In the hospital. With April's family._

_As near to April as he could be._

_Scanning the hospital waiting room, Jackson spied a nervous cluster of people he recognized from pictures he'd once seen often on April's phone. There was Joe, sturdy and balding, pacing up and down a row of chairs. Karen, round and flushed, wringing her hands nervously in her seat. Next to her, a tall long legged brunette, he recognized as Libby, and on her left a more petite familiar looking redhead that could only Alice._

_She noticed his arrival first, springing up from her seat and greeting him, "Dr. Avery?"_

_"It's Jackson," he correctly gently, extending his hand to shake, greeting each of his best friend's exhausted looking family members._

_Karen smiled sadly and squeezed Jackson's hand, "I wish we were meeting under better circumstances."  
_

_"Me too." She had no idea how much. Jackson's fears and regrets about April made him sick to his stomach. "Have you had any news?"_

_Alice shook her head and looked at her feet, "They still won't let us see her. They say she's still the same."_

_Jackson frowned._

_By his estimates, April had to have been in the hospital for at least 6 hours. It was one thing to come into a hospital seizing and unstable from a field situation, but surely in a hospital setting the doctors should have been able to get her to some level of stability. If she were at least stable enough to be placed in a coma until things settled down, the hospital would have let April's family see her. At least at Grey Sloan they would. Unless they'd done a CT scan and found something that precluded a medically induced coma, like bleeding, some types of brain damage, or a major fracture. He could tell that April's family knew very little about what was going on, even though it was clear that they had received some updates._

_Running a nervous hand down his chin, trying his hardest to maintain his composure and not break down in fear in front of April's already fearful family, Jackson cast around for a nurse, resident or a doctor. Anyone who could give him details on April's condition._

_"That's bad, isn't it?" Libby asked sadly as Joe, Karen, and Alice looked at him with pleading gazes forming a small semi circle around where he was standing._

_Jackson couldn't lie to them. "It's not great."_

_"Oh dear God," Karen sniffed tearfully, raising her hands to her face. "Oh no. No. Not April. My baby...how could this happen?"_

_"Hey," he comforted, reaching out to April's mother and squeezing her shoulders. "I know this...seems bad. But April's strong."_

_Jackson needed reminding as much as the rest of them did. He marveled at how easily he fit in among April's family. He couldn't believe how easy it was for him to just walk up and reach out to them._

_He didn't do that with just anybody._

_Joe Kepner nodded, and held out his hands to his wife and daughters, "That she is...but it doesn't mean she couldn't use a little extra help."_

_Jackson watched awkwardly as the quartet of Kepner's in front of him all linked up hands, bowing their heads. He stared uncertainly at the painfully familiar hand Alice extended to him, not sure whether he should take hold or not. They were obviously about to pray, and it really wasn't something Jackson was all that comfortable with. He wasn't a religious guy, and all his previous experiences with April Kepner's out of the blue and confidence crushing brand religiosity had left him burned and weary. Besides, he'd tried praying to God, the president, and Santa Claus as a little boy for the one thing he'd wanted the most. To have his Daddy come back. It'd never worked._

_Why should he turn to prayer now, just because he was surrounded by a bunch of Bible Belt believers? It always failed him._

_Jackson continued to stare at Alice's extended hand._

_"Let us pray," Joe began solemnly. "Oh merciful Lord, please hear us. Please give strength to April's doctors so that your hand might guide her care. And p _lease give April your strength, so that she may return to us because we love her dearly._ "_

_He gulped and slid his fingers between Alice's smaller ones, bowing his head to join the prayer. As easy as that. As though it was nothing. And because it was for April, it kind of felt like it was nothing._

_Jackson couldn't do that for just anybody._

In retrospect, Jackson realized he could have noticed the signs about his feelings for April, right then and there. That a part of him did recognize it. It was clear from the moment he arrived in Ohio, no from the moment he'd booked the damned ticket that he was there because he loved her. But still he hadn't been able to process it. He'd left. He still didn't want to think about it. He didn't like to think about why he left Ohio.

"I mean, I feel you, dude. I get that you feel like you can't let this go. But she's married," Alex reasoned. "Kepner lives in freakin' Ohio. If she hung up on you, she's obviously not digging the whole re-connection deal...I've seen how much better you seem to be after just talking with her now and I dunno, it's good in one sense, but in another it's like, I saw you all mopey dopey. You're usually kind of a downer. Have been for years, and now I know why. If you couldn't be happy without that call? If can't be happy without her..."

Jackson turned to face his friend as his jaw dropped in surprise. Could it be that Karev actually cared for his emotional well being? Maybe the wife and kid had made Evil Spawn go soft.

He asked incredulously, "Are you worried about me?"

Alex ducked his head, "Hell no!"

"You are."

"Jo is."

"Yeah right. She barely knows me."

The shorter man continued, "Whatever. Just shut up and listen: I gotta ask, can you handle it if April doesn't want to be friends with you again? Would this call have been enough? Could you handle it if April never talked to you again?"

A single call would never be enough, Jackson realized. April was as instantly addictive and intoxicating to him as she was after that first night in San Francisco.

"I'll be fine. I'm fine..."

"I just don't want you to get all depressed or whatever again, okay? It, uh...it messes with work and stuff."

Jackson shrugged uncomfortably. He hadn't realized his moods and feelings were so easily noticed by the people around him. He worked hard to hide most of what he felt behind a mask of nonchalance. He didn't like it when too many people knew his business.

"I wasn't depressed."

Rolling his eyes, Karev opened his mouth to reply just as Jackson felt his phone ring in his pocket. He held up a finger and squinted down at the id screen and his eyes widened in shock. It was an Ohio number.

April again.

"It's her!"

Reaching up to the Alex's eyes widened, "We've got a surgery, Avery."

"I have to answer!" Jackson almost pleaded, feeling a sense of urgency as the phone rang again. He did not want to miss this call. "I'll give you Greer. She's the best resident I have. 4th year, she can handle it. Just page her. Please, man."

Karev hesitated, pursing his lips and resting his hands on his hips before shrugging, "Okay, fine. Whatever."

Jackson backed out of the x-ray room hurriedly, already lifting his cell phone toward his ear, "Thanks man!"

The last view Jackson had of his shorter friend was of Alex shrugging and awkwardly mumbling, "Well, uh...good luck with that, dude."

Taking extra long strides that made his sneakers squeak, Jackson quickly made his way down the hallway, trying to find as secluded a place as he possibly could before he ran out of time to answer the call. He felt elated and almost giddy at the prospect of speaking with April again. It reinforced his theory that she did have a pull to him, and gave him hope of repairing the friendship they had.

"Hey!" He couldn't keep the smile off of his face.

"Jackson-" Her voice was no warmer than it had been during their last call, though a bit more gravely. April seemed less pleased to be on the phone. And that was fine. At least she'd called again.

"Look, I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable last time we talked, but I think it was probably stuff we needed to get off our chests anyway. We've both got a lot of anger and it's okay. I think we can move past that."

There was noise in the background and she breathlessly faltered, "I really don't have the time to-"

He couldn't seem to stop the flow of words from tumbling out of his mouth,"I'm so glad you called again..."

It was awkward. It was going to be awkward. But it wasn't like Jackson had never dealt with awkward when it came to April before.

_The first time he saw her again, awake, coherent, and healthy after leaving her side in Ohio was about a year after she'd been injured. Somehow, they'd both ended up in New York, representing their respective hospitals at an AMA conference about teaching in hospitals._

_Jackson spotted April from across the hallway as she exited a speaking session, smiling faintly to himself. She used one hand to pull a loose lock of hair behind her ears and walked confidently out of the room. She looked so well compared to the last time he'd seen her. Granted, he felt guilty because the last time he'd seen her was probably at her worst, but it was nice to see that April had seemingly bounced back completely, given the severity of her head trauma._

_It reaffirmed his decision to walk away as the right thing to do. Jackson could almost convince himself that being around April was more of a burden than a benefit. For both of them._

_But he still couldn't stop himself from stepping forward and waving to her, "Hi!"_

_April's expression fell slightly and her eyes darted around the hallway, seemingly trying to focus on anything but Jackson._

_"Hello."_

_The reply was both curt and cautious. And damned uncomfortable._

_He could understand that. He felt bad. Even if it had been the right choice for both of them as far as he was concerned, it wasn't an easy one. April certainly didn't understand how hard it was for him or what reasons he had considered when choosing to protect her and himself. She just saw him as the douche that wasn't there when she woke up after her surgery. If she even remembered that he'd been there before her surgery._

_But that was part of it._

_They'd always had a hard time pulling apart. They always seemed to circle back to each other, beginning the vicious cycle anew. So, Jackson thought that the pain of his departure would probably be definitive enough to prevent them from falling back into the same destructive pattern. It sucked, but it was better this way._

_Being apart was safer._ _And, from what he heard from Meredith, Hunt, and the rest, his plan worked. April had married her paramedic. She'd get her happy ending. Which was what she deserved, and all Jackson had ever wanted for her. And certainly more than he felt he could give her._

_Jackson awkwardly pointed to the small diamond that now rested on her left ring finger, "Congratulations!"_

_"Thank you," April replied quietly._ _She lowered her gaze, and shifted her jaw, lifting the finger slightly, as though the ring was an occupying foreign object._

_"I hear the wedding was nice..."_

_He didn't know why on earth he was still talking, especially about a subject that was so painful for both of them. But he supposed that it was habit. Jackson still cared about April, regardless of the decisions he'd been forced to make. He'd been her best friend once._

_"It was." April swallowed, chewing on the inside of her cheek and looking over her shoulder as a crease appeared in her forehead._

_"Did you have your butterflies?"_

_Jackson wanted to kick himself. Why the hell couldn't he just shut up? Why couldn't he just leave things be? He just couldn't help himself. He had to know. Walking away from her and leaving her behind would all be worth it if he knew that she'd gotten her dream. That was the whole point._

_"Uh...I-I have to go..." April stammered, blinking like her life depended on it, as she stepped away from him and abruptly walking down the convention center hallway in the opposite direction._

"Jackson!" April interrupted firmly. "I'm not calling about...any of that...I-I need your help. It's-it's my mother in law."

"Oh..." His brow furrowed, and he felt himself deflate a little bit.

"Matthew got a call from his mom's neighbor," she continued rapidly. "She collapsed raking leaves in the front yard, and apparently the ambulance took her to Grey Sloan Memorial."

Jackson's frown deepened,  _"Oh."_

"I left the kids with my sister. We're already at the airport; I got us on standby..." April added. "But, as you can imagine, Matthew's very concerned, and I was just wondering if you could keep an eye on her until we arrive? Just so I can call, and get him an update as soon as we land? Could you do that?"

Letting out a long exhale, Jackson leaned his head back against the cool walls of Grey Sloan Memorial Hospital. April wasn't calling for him. She wasn't even calling because she was mad at him. This call really did have nothing to do with him. It had nothing to do with repairing their friendship for the future. He was nothing more than geographically convenient. April was calling for Matthew.

Somewhere deep inside, Jackson felt something inside of him twist.

"S-sure," he stammered finally, hoping to hid the disappointment from his voice. "Of course I can."

April had always been hard for him to say no to. The one time he had had turned out to be one of the biggest mistakes of his life, so now Jackson wasn't about to let his old friend down.

"You can?" April sounded surprised.

"Um...absolutely."

He heard rustling in the background before her voice returned, "Okay...thank you, um...I'm just gonna..."

And then, suddenly, without any warning, Matt's voice came on the line, "Hello! Hello? Avery?"

"Yes."

"Her name is Lynn Taylor, okay? She-she lives in Bellevue. Uh...she has blonde hair-it's dyed, obviously but..."

Jackson sighed. He'd never really been a big fan of Matthew and all that he represented, and he would be lying to himself if he didn't admit that he felt intensely jealous of the paramedic and the life he got to have with April. But, the panic was palpable in the other man's voice. Matthew was obviously terrified about his mother. He could actually even empathize. His own mother lived far away and she was getting to be a certain age.

"I'm sure I will be able to find her," Jackson replied, as kindly as he could. "Call me when you land and I'll have some news."

"It's just a fall, right?" Matthew rationalized. "I mean, people fall all the time. My daughter, s-she falls like everyday and she's fine so..."

Trying to stay neutral, he replied, "Falls are common..."

But for old people they usually didn't end quite as well as they ended for younger ones. Jackson didn't feel the need to mention that. He knew that the poor man's mind would already be occupied with every worst case scenario possible. Matthew was a career paramedic, he'd seen it all anyway. Waiting was going hard enough. He'd been there before himself. Jackson wasn't going to add to that worry.

After exchanging a few more details about flight times, the call was ended, and Jackson stood alone in the darkened hallway looking at his phone. This was hardly the turn of events he'd been hoping for. He'd envisioned a number of on going phone calls, and more certainty over the status of their relationship as friends before he'd be in the same room with April again. Indeed, framing his thoughts in terms of conversations with April, carefully contained on the phone, allowed Jackson to focus less on the other parts of her life. The parts that made his heart hurt.

Matthew and Jake and Lindsey.

Even with all the anger that his last call with April had revealed, talking on the phone was a less painful focus. Calls could be a lifeline on the path to some sort of reconciled friendship.

Gently slipping his phone back into his pocket, Jackson made his way to the ER to track down whatever information he could about the arrival of Lynn Taylor at Grey Sloan. Not because he particularly cared about Matthew or his mother, beyond the barest level of sympathy. He knew that his actions were solely motivated by his realization that there was, at least, one silver lining to Lynn Taylor falling down.

Jackson would be seeing April again, far sooner than he could ever have anticipated, given the nature of their last conversation. She was coming to Grey Sloan. He would see her within the day.

* * *

Out of the corner of her eye, April watched her husband fidget uncomfortably with his seat belt as their cab sped through the misty Seattle streets. She crossed her arms and sighed, blowing an errant lock of hair awake from her cheek. She could tell how nervous Matthew was. He'd been bombarding the taxi driver with short cut suggestions based on ten years out of date experience as a Seattle paramedic.

He had good reason to be anxious. As soon as they'd landed at Sea-Tac, a call to Jackson had revealed that Lynn's condition was actually quite serious. She'd suffered a pretty massive stroke. Though Jackson had obviously tried to temper the severity of the situation over the phone, she could tell that the situation with her mother in law was grave. Strokes were bad.

"Avery said her neurologist is Dr. Brooks? Was she there when you were?"

"Uh," April answered distractedly. "Yes. Barely."

Matthew demanded, drumming his fingers urgently on the door handle, "Is she any good?"

"I have no idea!" The intern had been dubbed Mousey when April knew her.

April winced. She didn't meant to snap at him. She didn't. It was just being in Seattle again was already getting to her. She hadn't even gotten out of the damn cab yet, and she was already freaking out. Thinking of seeing Jackson again unnerved her.

"Brooks was an intern. I didn't get to teach her often. She mostly worked Derek Shepherd's service though...he always picked her for rotations..."

"So, she's probably good. She learned from the best," Matthew reasoned, biting his bottom lip and blinking back tears. "That's good."

Uncrossing her arms, April reached out to rest a comforting hand on Matthew's bouncing knee. She knew she should be better at supporting him at a time like this. Matthew was an only child, who had a very good relationship with his mother. His father had passed away when he was a teenager, which April thought also contributed to his closeness with his mother. With some chagrin, April noted that two of the most important men in her life were only son's and Mama's boys.

Of course Matthew was worried and he had every right to be. He was as good as son, as far as April could tell, as he was a father and husband. She was the one who wasn't good at any of it. She was the problem.

Like always. It was all her.

As they neared the hospital April felt guilty for the sense of dread that had nothing whatsoever to do with the well being of her husband's mother. She dreaded seeing Jackson again, after he'd...well,  _he_  hadn't exactly made her call him. She couldn't really be mad at him for that, not matter how much she might want to. He'd asked her to call, and when it came to Jackson Avery, April found herself basically incapable of saying 'no'.

And the call had brought to the surface all the uncomfortable truths about her life. Truths that she'd rather not have to examine. Weaknesses and flaws about herself that made her feel terrible. And then of course, Jackson would be there. She'd pulled him into this as well. Her first impulse upon realizing that her mother in law was going to Grey Sloan was to call Jackson. Like, even after all the hurt and all the years of separation, she still turned first to him for help.

Which was really pathetic when you thought about it. April was still partially willing to depend on a guy who'd broken her heart. Because she knew he'd do it. He would help. Even if it was for Matthew's mother. Jackson would do it because he seemed to still have intense feelings for her. And really in the grand scheme of their friendship, he'd rarely failed to come through for her when she'd  _actually_  asked for help.

There was just the one time.

_The only other time in her life, April could ever recall feeling this scared was when she'd been staring down the barrel of a gun. And there was no way she could bargain her way out of this. The stabbing pain in her head wasn't going to go away by mere talking. Nor was the rolling nausea that went along with head wounds. And worst of all, the sudden seizures and unexpected blackouts were completely out of her control._

_April knew she was better off now than she was when she'd come in, but she was so confused and weak that the small successes on the road to her recovery weren't exactly comforting. Nor was the presence of her family. _S_ _omehow Libby and Kimmie had missed the memo about her break up with Matthew, and called him. So he was wandering around here somewhere._ Her hysterical, overly worried and medically under informed mother and father didn't exactly instill her with confidence or calm. Not when they seemed to be constantly praying, as though she was on the verge of dropping dead_

_Especially at first, when April found it difficult to concentrate and communicate. Initially, s_ _he could only hold onto whips of thoughts. Bits and pieces. Memories._

_Truths._

_But when Jackson was there he'd been like a rock. She was fuzzily aware that he'd disappeared somewhere along the way and that was as frightening as her head. She thought he would stay. Hadn't she asked him to? They'd been in the middle of talking about something important. The truth. She'd told him the truth about how she felt. April knew she loved Jackson. At this moment in time that was one of the few things she was certain of, and she'd told him so._

_He didn't believe her, of course. He had a hard time believing it. She didn't know how to make him believe._

_"Where...where's," April struggled to form her words as she fought to open her eyes. "Where's Jackson?"_

_When she finally peeled her eyes open, her sister Alice was looking down at April sadly, "He had to go back to Seattle."_

_"Whuh? Why?"_

_Alice shrugged, "Something about the board? I don't know. He said they needed him."_

_"But I," April felt her muscles contract and her hands started to shake. Her tremors were not as bad as when she'd first arrived at the hospital, and her doctors had a decent plan in the works to get rid of her seizures altogether, but they still really freaked April out. She hated feeling so out of control. It was terrifying and embarrassing in the same instant._

_"I need..."_

_"I know,"Alice replied gently, using the edge of the bed sheet to wipe the spit off of April's chin. "He said he's sorry. And he's rooting for you. I know you want your best friend, but y _ou're not alone._  The rest of us are here. And Matthew. He's here too. I know you two broke up, but...I didn't tell anyone. He really cares about you. And we'll all be here when you get out of surgery, okay? You're going to be okay."_

_Of course, Alice didn't understand. April had never told her or anyone else in her family the whole truth about herself and Jackson. She blinked back tears. Without him, it really didn't feel like she would be okay._

Despite that crushing failure, April knew deep down that Jackson would help if she asked him to. And he had. With no hesitation. He didn't throw in a snide comment about Matthew, or his mother. He didn't force her to talk longer on the phone about things she didn't want to talk about. Jackson simply agreed to help. And that willingness to come to her aid, even when the circumstances of their non-relationship at this point clearly pained him, made April's feelings for Jackson resurface in an uncontrollable wave. So she'd dreaded going to Seattle.

Seeing him would only make the feelings more real.

The cab arrived at Grey Sloan Memorial, and Matthew practically flew out of the car and through the front doors. Trailing behind, April couldn't help pausing to take in the modernized hospital. It was hard to believe she was back at Grey Sloan once again. The place looked different, but still quite familiar in some respects. Like most of the world it was occupied by more touch screens and fewer empty wall spaces.

She'd experienced  _so_  very much between these walls. Loss and terror. Humiliation and triumph. Everything in between. And now here she was walking through the hallways as a Harper Avery Award winning surgeon. Who would ever have predicted that? In Grey Sloan Memorial Hospital, April Kepner was once the dud.

Now, she'd just won one of the highest honors any surgeon could hope to receive. Yet, walking through the doors, there was a part of her that still felt small. And unworthy. Frauds weren't supposed to succeed.

Jackson stood near the main reception station, and greeted them with a solemn expression as soon as he caught sight of the couple coming in from the rain.

April's eyes widened and Matthew instantly deflated, "No...she's-she didn't..."

"She's alive," Jackson replied seriously, leading them into a nearby elevator and pressing the button that would take them up to neuro. He swallowed hard and seemed to be doing everything he possibly could to avoid making eye contact with April.

Matthew grabbed hold of her hand tightly, "Oh thank God."

April blinked and held on to her husband's fingers, taking a swift step to the back of the elevator, keeping Matthew firmly between herself and Jackson. Fortunately her husband seemed too distraught to comment.

"But...there's a lot of damage. She's in a medically induced coma right now. Dr. Brooks will explain when we get upstairs, okay?"

Finally the elevator arrived at it's destination. They walked toward Lynn Taylor's room and were greeted by a familiar, though much more assured looking Heather Brooks. Jackson hung back as the young neurosurgeon began to speak.

The news wasn't good, as April had suspected. Massive stoke. Lots of dead tissue. Comatose for now. When they woke her up, Dr. Brooks told them with a stony face that, while she was confident that with therapy Lynn would regain some function, that level would likely be low.

She might not be able to walk. Or speak. Or even remember who they were. Lynn Taylor would never be able to live on her own again.

Oh God.

Feeling her emotions rise, April's jaw dropped and she hung her head as she heard the news. Matthew lost his battle with tears, and doubled over with a sob. He held his hands to his face and swore softly. April couldn't let herself cry. She couldn't let her thoughts spin out of control as she tried to figure out what this kind of a diagnosis meant. What kind of an impact it might have on their lives. She couldn't get carried away.

Not when Matt needed her to be there for him. He needed his wife to support him. April reached out and wrapped her arms around his shoulders, rubbing them in the same comforting circles she used on Jake and Lindsey when they had nightmares. Of course, Matthew's nightmare was real.

"I'm sorry," Brooks said sadly. "I wish I had better news for you..."

"Yeah," Matt huffed sarcastically, wriggling out of April's grasp and shaking his head.

"Oh Matthew..." she sniffed, surprised that he would pull away.

Focusing on Heather, he set his jaw and took deep breaths. "I want to see her. I want to see my mom."

Brooks nodded sympathetically, and looked back and forth between the couple, "Okay. We can do that. She's in the high risk room, so we're going to have to limit it to one visitor at a time."

"Uh, yes. Of course," April agreed, reaching out to Matthew once again and squeezing his hand. "You go ahead, be with her. Take the time you need. I'll wait here."

Matt's brow creased and he nodded sadly before Dr. Brooks took him to see his mother, leaving April to wait behind, leaning on an empty gurney. When they disappeared, she hung her head and felt a few tears escape her eyes.

Waiting. She shook her head and looked at her hands.

It seemed like such a hollow offer. Too little. Too useless. But it was all April could offer. She wasn't able to fix her mother in law's brain. She wasn't able to fully love Matthew, even though he loved her back. She wasn't able to be the wife he deserved. Hell, she wasn't even fully able to concentrate on his pain in this moment, because damned if Jackson hadn't sat down next to her on the gurney.

He didn't touch her. He didn't reach out his hand to pull her close as he once would have done.

Even so, it was as though every cell in April's body was painfully aware of her proximity Jackson. She knew he was only trying to comfort her, but she also knew the treacherous nature of her own mind.

_"No. No! I'll do it. I can do it," April said, the firmness in her voice surprising. But it didn't last. "I just...I need a minute."_

_"Right," Jackson agreed._ _She could feel him watching her._

_She didn't understand why this one was hitting her so hard. Just when April thought she had God figured out, he had to go and pull something like this. It just wasn't fair. Her patient's children deserved to grow up with mother's. Yet somehow, twice in her career, mother's died leaving behind innocent little kids. One had died because of her own mistake. This time she'd been meticulous. April had done everything right. Everything._

_Why did Elyse have to die?_

_Suddenly, everything was just coming apart. The shaky construction of calm she tried desperately to maintain in front of Jackson fell away, revealing the tragic mess beneath. All the emotions she felt welling up inside. Everything she pushed down and tried to hide. It all came bubbling up. At first April thought it might just be a few tears, but as soon as the gate opened, she realized that there was no stopping the flood. She sobbed like she hadn't allowed herself to sob in a long time._

_And Jackson just held her close and let her rest her head on his shoulder, rocking slowly on the gurney._

_The tears continued, and April realized that she wasn't crying for just this patient, but all her lost patients. And all her lost friends. And for the baby that never was, but now she kind of wished for. For all the things she didn't understand about how she felt about God. And herself._

_And Jackson._

_Sometimes April's thoughts made her feel like she was going crazy. Perhaps she needed a good cry._

_Taking a shaky breath as the tears died down, April pulled away from his warm embrace, suddenly acutely aware of the fact that he was, in fact, the one person in the world who she felt totally comfortable falling apart in front of. He was the only one. And even after all that had happened between them. All the crap and confusion. Even with all of that, Jackson was here for her._

_Her eyes darted to from his yes to his lips and back again. April knew what she wanted to do. How exactly she wanted to thank him, even if there was a part of her that knew it was wrong, since they were both dating other people and kissing wasn't exactly something that April was good at stopping anyway, since once she kissed Jackson she always craved more and he obviously felt something too, since he was leaning closer and maybe it wouldn't be the end of the world if-_

_"Hey!"_

_April gasped at the sound of Karev's voice._

She scooted a few inches away from Jackson.

Don't be too close. That was the trick. She couldn't let herself get too close. Because she was that horrible wife with thoughts in her mind about another man, in the very same moment her husband was having his worst day.

April was mad at herself for calling Jackson. Matthew knew nothing about it, but it still was causing problems between them. Lying by omission is still lying.

And she'd had to lie by omission to Matthew in the days following her fight with Jackson. April couldn't tell her husband that she was incapable of getting her old friend off of her mind.

She'd known it was a mistake to call and it took her back to a place she didn't want to be. Back to a place in her marriage that made her feel like even more of a fraud than ever. Back to her wedding night and the troubles of the early years of her marriage. To where all she had to do was close her eyes and Jackson would be there. Everywhere he shouldn't be.

You're not supposed to be picturing someone else's perfect, sweating, glistening form, when your own husband is really the one right with you.

_"Are you okay?"_

_The phrase uttered was a little too close to home, given the fantasy she'd just spent most of the encounter indulging in. Oh the irony._

_April opened her eyes, and gulped air as Matthew rolled off of her grunting in satisfaction. She winced as the same reply escaped her lips, "I'm fine."_

_Hoping against hope that her answer would end things, April turned on her side, away from her husband, curling herself into a small ball beneath the sheets._

_"But...you didn't..." Matt flushed and kissed her shoulder. Even after 8 years of marriage he still couldn't talk about it very easily._

_"I know." Oh, April was painfully aware that she hadn't. "I don't always..."_

_"I'm sorry," Matthew sighed. "I think I just got too excited."_

_April rolled her eyes to the ceiling. Oh dear Jesus, she did not want to do some sort of post game analysis. She wasn't up for the pep talk._

_All she could muster was a gentle, "And that's okay. It was still very nice."_

_April would make do. Tomorrow, another trip down memory lane and a solo trip to the shower would do the trick._

_"But it could have been better for you." She could hear the tone of his words change as a grin appeared on his lips. "It still could be."_

_April shied away from the roaming hand that suddenly moved down her thigh, and turned over to face Matthew,_ _"_ _No, it's okay. I'm just stressed. It's not going to happen tonight anyway, and we should probably just sleep. We've got to get the kids to school in the morning."_

_More like, "I actually can't stop thinking of Jackson and he was kind of mind blowing at sex and it took me years to stop thinking about it, but then I called him, exactly like you didn't want me to do, and it was super intense and it's brought up a lot of old thoughts."_

_And all April's hangups._

_But she couldn't say that. Her selfish, deviant thoughts would only hurt him._

_Frowning, Matthew looked at April skeptically before leaning forward and kissing her forehead, "Okay. But I promise to make it up to you next time."_

_"Sure."_

_Yeah...right._

You're not supposed to prefer a memory to the real thing. Or another man to your own husband.

Thinking of Jackson was a dangerous game April had only just managed to get the upper hand on before all this. It was  _such_  a slippery slope for her. And April could already feel herself sliding.

"Were you close to your mother in law?" Jackson asked tentatively. It was a bit of a relief that he hadn't tried to close the newly made gap between them on the bed. And that he didn't push her to talk or fight about days gone by.

April shrugged, "Not really. She lives here. We live in Ohio. Matthew calls her three time a week though. And she visits."

"Oh."

"She was always nice to me," she explained, not wanting it to sound like they were estranged or anything. "Distant, but very kind. She came out to stay with us when I was on bed rest when I was pregnant with Lindsey. It wasn't an easy pregnancy and...well, without her help, I don't know...that's why Lindsey is Lindsey."

"Lynn, Lindsey," Jackson nodded. "I get it."

To be quite honest, Lynn had always intimidated April a little bit. She'd never come right out and questioned April on anything, but often the words she said would have double meanings and there were days when April was just sure that the older woman could see right through her. Days where it felt like Matthew's mother was just waiting for April to screw up. And that had generally left her on edge around Lynn, constantly wondering if at any moment her mother in law would confront her about not actually being in love with her Matthew.

April wrung her hands fretfully, "I think she knew."

Jackson looked puzzled, "Knew what?"

"That-that I..." April shook her head and wiped an errant tear. "I'm not the best wife for her son. I'm not...I'm terrible. Sometimes...I don't even recognize this person I've become."

She didn't know why she was opening up to him like this. A part of her was still furious at him for the part he'd played in setting her life on this track. If only Jackson had been able to be more honest with her sooner. If only he'd stayed with her in the hospital. So many if only's.

Nonetheless, even with all that anger, April still felt comfortable with Jackson in this moment. Once he was her caretaker, and the role was easy to let him take again.

His eyes narrowed sympathetically, "April..."

"Some people are better at spotting fakes than others. I think Lynn spotted me." April sighed. "Not that she'll be able to do anything about it now. I suppose there's a silver lining to everything."

The woman just had a stroke.

Her shoulders sagged in guilt and she instantly regretted her sarcasm. It was selfish, totally self serving, and in poor taste. Par for the course with her these days.

Damn it.

"You're not a fake, April," Jackson countered. "You're just...you're-"

April smirked when he trailed off, seemingly unable to put a positive spin on her personal life. If the subject matter and the circumstances weren't so bleak, this would almost be nice. They were kind of talking again, in that free easy way they once had. Her anger was at bay, and so was his. For the time being at least.

"You're just a good person making the best life for yourself that can," he continued finally. "It's just not the life you could have had and that's my fault really. I...I never should have pushed you away."

She threw her head back and laughed. Sure, some of the blame rested on Jackson's shoulders for the way their relationship as lovers and friends ended. Ad she was mad at him for that. But Jackson wasn't the only person involved. She'd played her part too. And April was willing to own that role now. And all the decisions and vows she'd made after moving to Ohio were all April as well.

No one had held a gun to her head.

"My life's a mess, and I'm that selfish person who dragged 3 other people into it." April shrugged. "I was afraid of being alone, you know? I was so afraid of it that I just...I married a guy. I married him because he said he didn't mind me not loving him back. And then we had two kids to try to fix it all. I love them; Jake and Lindsey are the best things in my life right now, but how I got here in the first place...it's all pretty stupid."

Now it was Jackson's turn to shrug, "I bet it beats being alone. Because I can tell you...that sucks just as much as you were afraid it would. Probably more."

April turned to look at him in concern. He lifted his eyes to hers, she could see how sad Jackson really was. His blue eyes were probably her favorite physical feature, and she could see that they'd dimmed. This gaze was not the same one she'd known and loved during her residency. It was older, more hardened.

Unhappy.

Unable to help herself, April felt her eyes flick down to Jackson's lips. She bit her own as she saw Jackson's tongue dart out and form a quick circle around his. Oh no. Her thoughts were the same terrible thoughts and her desires were the same shameful desires that had gotten them into this mess in the first place.

Guys like him and girls like her didn't work. They'd proved that. And the way their lives were now was even less conducive to working than ever before. But April just wanted to make Jackson feel better. They both leaned forward, drawing closer together so that their lips were mere inches apart. She could feel him breathing.

Suddenly, at the last minute, April pulled away, jumping off of the gurney and moving to the other side of the hallway, "What are we doing? What am I doing?"

Still leaning against the bed, Jackson watched her with wide eyes.

Oh God.

What the hell was she doing? There first real 'alone' time in about a decade, and it had taken, what? Less than ten minutes for them to be on the verge of sucking face? What kind of self control was that? She was really that weak. Literally unable to control herself.

April ran her hands through her hair. She was a married woman. Her own husband was only a few doors down, sitting with his ailing mother for Christ's sake. And this was how she was honoring her vows? This was how she was going to pay Matthew back for years of his attentive, maddening goodness?

She might be a terrible wife and a shell of the person she wanted to be, but April realized she'd never forgive herself for being a cheater. She'd never be able to live with that guilt.

"Uh-we can't..." April fumbled, making a b-line back toward the elevators. "I...I'm gonna go get Matthew some food. Yes...food. You can-you can go back to whatever you were d-doing before...We r-really appreciate your help."

Halfway down the hallway, April could hear the sound of Jackson's sneakers following her, so she picked up her own pace. She was practically barreling down the hallway, and in a stroke of luck she caught an open elevator just as it's occupants exited. April lurched in side and frantically pressed the button for level 3, which she prayed was still the home of Grey Sloan's cafeteria.

"April! Wait!"

But she couldn't, so she pressed the button and closed the doors just as Jackson reached the elevator.

April hung her head and stared her own reflection in the silver doors, uncertain of who exactly her next words were directed toward. Matthew? Jackson? Her children? Lynn Taylor? Herself? God? All of the above?

"I'm so sorry."


	6. Chapter 6

Jackson couldn't help but let out a small growl as he saw the doors of the elevator close, blocking his pursuit of the clearly panicked April. He'd reached the threshold just a moment too late, and he couldn't help but release some of his frustration by slamming his open palm against the cool metal doors. He leaned against the wall for a second, hanging his head and trying to process what had just happened.

April had almost kissed him.

Almost.

Closing his eyes right now, Jackson could still see the look in her eyes, almost timeless, reminiscent more of the relationship they once had as opposed to the one they currently experienced. He could feel the patterns of her breath, so close to his lips. They'd been so close. But, of course, April had pulled away from him.

Hell, she'd practically ran away from him.

Jackson couldn't blame her exactly. She was married to Matthew and he had absolutely no doubt that April took that vow very seriously. Probably even all the more seriously, given the nature of her current visit to Seattle. Her husband's mother had nearly died. Matthew Taylor had just been given some of the worst news of his life. He knew April was a sympathetic person. A good person. A caring person.

She cared for her husband. Actually, for all Jackson knew, she loved Matthew. At this point, as uncomfortable as it made Jackson feel, he had to remember that April had more of a history with Matthew then she did with him. She would certainly want to comfort her husband in his time of need.

But still, it seemed that she had also wanted to comfort Jackson. He revealed how lonely he now understood his life was, and she'd nearly kissed him. On some level, she'd wanted him to feel better.

Which begged the question: Was it possible that she still loved him? Jackson was more and more certain that she did. Jackson figured she loved them both.

Him and Matthew.

Closing his eyes, he lifted his fingers to his lips, pressing gently against his stubble. Jackson couldn't say that he would not have eagerly reciprocated a kiss, if April had actually gone there. He knew it was wrong and kind of cruel, and that she was married. But now he was definitely a bit disappointed. It wasn't the reaction he knew he was supposed to have, but it certainly was the way he felt.

And what did that say about him really? Jackson always told himself he was a good guy. And he pretty much thought he'd done a decent job of trying to be a good guy in his life. But then again, good guys didn't feel sad that their former best friend wouldn't cheat on her husband with them.

It all suddenly became clear. Convincing April to be friends again? Having her back in his life? As much as he wanted it, this was all going to be much trickier than he thought. Because even though it was wrong and totally irresponsible and totally something that shouldn't happen, Jackson knew that the attraction and desire was, and probably always would be, there.

For both of them. If he got his wish and they became friends again, Jackson and April would have to deal with it.

April had been  _that_  close to kissing him. Like the old days. They still had that same magnetic pull that had drawn them together a decade ago. Even though he knew she was married. Even though Jackson knew full well that she had every reason in the world to hate him. She'd already shown him how mad she really was. Even so, the temptation was powerful and hard to resist.

And Jackson had no idea what to do about it.

"Dr. Avery?"

He turned around to see Brooks and a deflated looking Matthew standing in the hallway behind him. Their gazes locked briefly and Jackson swallowed hard. The other man's stare was as cold and suspicious as it was stricken and devastated. Which, considering what had just transpired with April, was not an unreasonable frame of mind for the taller man to have, all things considered.

It made Jackson feel guilty, but probably not as guilty as he should have.

"I have another procedure in 15 minutes," the small surgeon said carefully. "I've got a resident coming up to monitor Mrs. Taylor's status, but since she's in the high risk ICU, and Mr. Taylor here isn't quite finished with his visit, I was wondering if you could keep an eye on her vitals? I would ask a nurse, but since you two are old friends..."

Judging by the sad close lipped smile on her face, she really did believe that Matthew and Jackson were old friends. That it would be more of a comfort for the paramedic to have a familiar face with him, rather than an unknown intern.

Ha. Jackson and Matthew had never been friends.

Heather Brooks of course, while an excellent neurosurgeon, had always been a bit odd as far as Jackson could tell. Her long time boyfriend Shane Ross was the hospital gossip but even so, Brooks seemed to gladly live almost entirely in her own little world. They were an oddly charming pair, though Jackson figured they didn't talk about hospital rumors much. He would bet money that she had absolutely no inkling of the complicated intertwined past that existed between himself, Matthew and April.

Otherwise, she probably would have been a lot more curious.

"Yeah," Jackson replied reluctantly, walking back down the hallway toward Lynn Taylor's room. "I can do that."

Matthew followed along, but it didn't escape his notice that the taller man didn't say a word. Dr. Brooks grinned sadly offering a rapid, "Thank you" before disappearing down the hallway in the other direction.

As they entered the small intensive care room, Jackson swallowed, and avoided eye contact with Matthew as the other man quickly made his way to the side of Lynn's bed. The woman was surrounded by tubes and monitors, and the left side of her face already bore the tell tale slack of a stroke victim. Partial paralysis. The taller man still didn't say anything to Jackson. Bowing his head in prayer, Matthew merely perched himself on the edge of his chair and held his mother's hand solemnly.

Keeping his distance from the stricken paramedic, Jackson leaned his head back against the door frame, frowning in thought.

Lynn Taylor was so still. Almost peaceful looking, if you didn't think of her diagnosis. Like she was just taking a nap. Some patients were like that. Some conditions mean for restful appearances, even when their ailments were dire.

Others didn't look peaceful at all.

_By 4 am he'd managed to convince the doctors at Case Western Reserve to let him see April._

_Jackson had pulled out all the stops to gain entry to her room. He played all his cards. Even the ones he never used. He had yelled. Told them he was a surgeon. Told them he was the chairman of the board at one of the leading teaching hospitals on the west coast. He'd co _me up with a multitude of reasons he should be allowed into April Kepner's room. He p_ retended he was a student of world renown neurology surgeons, which wasn't a total lie, since he had scrubbed in with Dr. Shepherd a fair few times as a resident._

_Besides, truth didn't matter so much in his mind. Jackson would do anything to see April.  
_

_They just had to let him in._

_He was an Avery._

_And much to Jackson's surprise, all his badgering worked, and before he knew it he was being led into the trauma room where they were treating April. She was in the throws of what seemed to be a massive seizure the moment he arrived, and despite all his years of training and experience the sight of April writhing on a hospital bed was nearly too much to take.  
_

_It took his breath away. It made his heart ache. It made Jackson freeze._

_The nurse leading him in seemed to notice his discomfort and patted his shoulder sympathetically, "You can see why we haven't let the family in."_

_Jackson winced when a strangled guttural sound emanated from his best friend's throat, and trails of saliva fell from the corners of her mouth._

_Though her eyes were only half-lidded, they were very unfocused, and darted all around the room with no discernible path. April clearly wasn't entirely conscious, but she was awake enough to hurt. The pain was evident in her face and in the whimpers and moans she voiced as her muscles seemed to act on their own accord. One side of her face was swollen, and her once long and luxurious hair was now short, and mostly hidden by bandages from her first craniotomy, leaving only haphazard tufts sticking out around the fabric at odd angles._

_If the cause wasn't so disturbing the effect might actually be cute.  
_

_Though Jackson needed to only let his gaze stray beyond April's head to know that this was anything but. _There were light restraints on April's upper arms, presumably to used to prevent her from flailing around and hurting herself. But to Jackson it just didn't seem right. Every ounce of her body seemed to be under intense strain. Her neck muscled bulged. _Her skin was all flushed red._  Her back arched. _  
_

__The tension Jackson felt emotionally was mirrored physically in April. _ _Everything was taught and stretched beyond capacity. About to snap.___ _

_"This is actually an improvement. Her seizures were much worse when she first came in. We hope she'll continue to improve now that there has been some release of the pressure," the nurse explained, holding a chart out for him to see. "She took too high force hits. One impact to the side and another in the back of her head. _Both causing fractures in the skull. Subdural bleeding._  The doctors could only stabilize her long enough to deal with the bleeding and the side impact, though that was the less severe injury. Her medication seems to be working but, it's a waiting game until they can try to deal with the rest..."_

_Jackson tried to listen, but he was still stuck, frozen in shock staring at April's hospital bed in disbelief. His breathing became rapid and his heart raced as his hands started to shake. His mind flashed back to the plan crash. When Meredith, Cristina, and Arizona were all in hospital beds too.  
_

_When Mark died._

_The nurse continued to talk to him. Hushed words about probable brain damage. CT scans. Plans for care.  
_

_But he couldn't take it all in. He couldn't hear. It would break him.  
_

_Slowly Jackson's feet found their way and took him to the side of April's bed. Dimly aware that the nurse had slipped out of the room, he reached out to hold one of April's hands, but found her fingers impossibly clenched as he tried to lace his own through them. He winced and instead, grabbed hold of her fist with both hands. Then, in an instant April's body abruptly relaxed. Her breathing evened out in a sigh and her head fell down to one side. The clench in her hand subsided and Jackson was able to lace their fingers together._

_That was some comfort at least._

_He'd expected not to find April in very good shape. That was a given based on what little Jackson had known about her case before entering the room. He was a surgeon after all, and an Avery on top of all that. Far from naive._

_But right now he didn't feel like a doctor. Or an Avery. Jackson just felt like crying._

__"Ow,"_  she slurred groggily, as her eyes fluttered open. Her gaze darted around the room in confusion as she tried to move her restrained arms.  
_

_"Hey," Jackson had to clear his throat, and it took everything he had in him to make his voice sound reassuring. "You've hit your head, April."_

_"Jah-?"_

_A smile crept across his lips. She seemed to recognize him at least, and that was a relief, "Yeah..."_

_"Rail-lo you...I-" April mumbled, brow furrowing with the effort. She frowned,"View...l-uh...I...Jah?"_

_Tears did slip from the corners of Jackson's eyes then. She was speaking nonsense. Complete and utter nonsense. He could only sniff and squeeze her hand a bit.  
_

_The brain was a fragile thing when you thought about it. Especially, given how essential it was to making a person function. And be unique. During residency on neuro rotations, Shepherd had always waxed on about the mysteries of the human mind. That modern science knew more about the far expanses outer space than it did about the recesses inner space. The brain could always surprise you._

_In both the best and the worst ways._

_April continued to mumble in confusion, and he just couldn't find any way to string together what she was saying so that it made sense. It didn't. It just didn't._

_Brain damage was possible. Probable even, given how bad April's seizures were. And that terrified Jackson. Head injuries didn't work like others. Set the bones of a broken leg and they'll heal. Transfused blood played the role just as well as the pints lost. If you hid your incisions well, skin would heal with nary a scar. Good as new._

_Not so with brains. Brains didn't always heal correctly. If they healed at all. Comas, paralysis, persistent vegetative states. A man could be unwell and comatose for weeks and then they'd wake up fine. Seemingly normal. Surging back to their old self. But only for a moment. The brain was a mysterious thing. Sly and tricky._

_Sometimes people could get better._

_Sometimes they didn't._

_What if April didn't?  
_

_Fighting a losing battle, Jackson worked to collect himself. Reigning in his rising terror, he repeated futilely, "You've hit your head April...it's...it's gonna be okay..."_

_There was a nod then, he was sure. She'd nodded, "S-tay?"  
_

_"I'm here April."_

_Jackson couldn't know for sure if that was really what she was asking. He didn't even know whether or not she was even really asking anything at all. Her words could well be the addled ramblings of a damaged brain. He could only sit uselessly and squeeze her hand as he watched April's eyes lose focus once more as she slipped into the throws of another fit._

_It was just as bad up close as it had been from the doorway._

_This was absolute torture. Watching this was torture. Jackson never knew that you could feel so much pain just from watching someone else.  
_

_He couldn't admit that it was torture watching someone you love suffer. He couldn't admit that April was someone he loved. Because when you loved that much, you were vulnerable.  
_

_And vulnerability always led to pain._

_None of the crash survivors on the board ever really talked about what it was like out there. In the woods. After the crash. He and Callie never really pushed them to talk either, especially since the crash and Robbins subsequent amputation had nearly cost the orthopedic surgeon her marriage. PTSD, resentment, cheating. Even though Robbins and Torres had managed to pull things back together well enough for Sofia, it was clear that the couple was never really the same. And one way they both handled it was just by not talking about it. Any of it. The crash, or what happened after._

_Like they'd just ended up owning a hospital by some random fluke. It obviously wasn't healthy, but it helped them all to survive.  
_

_For himself, Jackson didn't press his co-workers to talk about their experiences because in one sense, he didn't feel like it was his place. He was only a board of the hospital board because of his family connections._

_And then there was a big part of him that simply didn't want to know. Jackson had lost his mentor, one of his dearest friends, and the closest thing he'd had to a father in a long time to that crash. Mark Sloan might have made it back to Seattle after the plane crash, but had always been clear to Jackson that the best and most important part of his mentor had died out in the woods with Lexie.  
_

_Yang had told him about it once, when the two loners got drunk after a board meeting. Cristina told Jackson that Mark had been there with her, watching powerlessly as the younger Grey died. It had taken Jackson a long to to realize, but he was certain that Mark and Lexie loved each other. That deep soul mate, once in a lifetime kind of crap that people talked about. The kind of love Jackson refused to believe in. The kind of love that consumes you if you let it.  
_

_And if you lose it, that kind of love destroys you._

_That's why Mark he signed his living will in his surge. At first Jackson had never gotten that. A two month order. Why not wait longer? Why not try harder to live? For Sofia? Or Torres? For Jackson? He must have thought that if he couldn't recover and live with Lexie's loss for two months, he didn't want to live at all. Mark couldn't live with those images of losing Lexie in his mind for a lifetime. Subconsciously his body must have known he handle that memory. That loss destroyed him.  
_

_Now Jackson understood. Watching April suffering, he totally understood. Much more than he wanted to admit.  
_

_If these were her last moments and experiences? Jackson didn't think he wanted to know. He didn't want to remember this. And he couldn't let himself go there. Jackson had lost so much. So many people he'd allowed himself to care about. And it always hurt. It was the worst feeling he could think of. Jackson could handle loss.  
_

__April could hurt deeply hurt him in life as easily as she might in death._   
_

_His hands shook as Jackson looked on in horror and did his best to shush and comfort April, but it didn't really seem to penetrate whatever state of mind her seizure pulled her to. It made him feel powerless. Jackson couldn't even help her really. He had no control over what was happening, beyond trying to manage his own roller coaster of emotions.  
_

_He hated not being able to do anything. It wasn't supposed to be like this. Jackson was afraid.  
_

_Within minutes her body relaxed again and again April moaned, "Ow..."_

_"It's okay, I'm here," Jackson repeated. _He took deep breaths through his mouth as his pulse thundered in his ears. He tried desperately again to keep his panic from his voice._   _"You've hit your head, April."__

_"Jah-" she blinked and swallowed hard. "Jackson?"_

_And so it went on. Jackson didn't know how long he sat with her, but it was long enough for him to get the pattern. April got a few good minutes of what seemed to be decent consciousness before her body dragged her back under with another spasm. And then she'd come back whimpering to mumble at him again. Trying to say something? Doctors and nurses flitted in and out of the room, checking vitals, adjusting meds, measuring pupil response.  
_

_Things actually started to get better._

_However, though her condition improved, but Jackson's panic didn't really ebb. April's words were getting better, and between seizures there was time to have small conversations with her. Sometimes she remembered where she was and why she was there. Sometimes she didn't._

_She always remembered Jackson._

_He'd been running his thumb along the back of her hand as April came back from another smaller seizure. At first they were talking about the tornado. But then April squeezed his hand.  
_

_"I..." she slurred, struggling to hold Jackson's gaze. "I love you."_

_She sounded so small._

_"April, you've hit your head," Jackson replied, certain that she was confused again. His breath caught in his throat. Why was she talking this way? Why now? Did she mean it? Was she surging? Did that matter?  
_

_"I know..." April croaked, tightening her grip around his fingers. "But I still love you. I didn't-tell you sooner a'cuz...I didn't know."_

_"You don't know what you're saying," he said nervously._

_"Uh huh." April seemed adamant.  
_

_Jackson continued more to himself than to her, "And it doesn't matter anyway."_

_It didn't. It was just another one of those moments, like when she'd said she wanted him after the bus explosion, or when she'd been so freaking happy to marry him and have his kid or when she'd felt a rush of adrenaline after a bar fight. It was just a moment and in the moment it felt good for her to say. Good moments were fleeting. That's what their whole problem was really. Doing and saying things in the moment that felt good. _Things that felt good in the present were temporary.__

_In the end, they still ended up badly._

_Just like they always did. People that told Jackson they loved him never meant it. And they always went away. Just like his dad.  
_

_And if he let her in? If he let himself say and feel what she wanted him to say back? He'd be vulnerable. There was no guarantee she would stay. She'd left him alone twice for Ohio. There was no guarantee that her love for him wasn't just something that felt good and comforted her in the present, and when the time came that April came back to her senses, he didn't think he could handle the loss.  
_

_"We didn't work, April," Jackson said quietly as he felt himself pulling his hand from hers. He felt like a dick, because she was hurt and she obviously not thinking clearly, but the fact of the matter was basically they'd tried being together before.  
_

_"We don't work. We'll never work. It's too hard and it hurt us and you'll remember that tomorrow. Or the next day. We're too different. You don't know what you're saying."_

_And she didn't. She didn't even seem to remember. The next time she came up after a small seizure, April blinked around the room confusion again. _ _She lifted the fingers of the hand Jackson had held only moments ago.  
___

_"Jahh?"_

_This time he was watching April from the doorway once again._

_Biting his lip and breathing heavily, Jackson ran a nervous hand down the back of his head. She'd be better off. He would be better off. There would be no chance they could hurt each other. If he didn't let her love him, then he wouldn't love her back. And then there would be no way she could hurt him again._

_The sensible thing to do would be to wait. To stay and hold her hand and remind her of where she was. Jackson knew he should wait; he knew he easily could wait. Wait until her condition improved enough for them to do her second surgery. He could wait until the full battery of aptitude tests were completed to determine brain damage. He could wait until April was well enough. In her right mind. If she ever got there._

_Jackson knew he should wait for her. He should wait to ask if she really meant what she said. If she really loved him._

_But how often did people ever mean what they said? And could he survive if April didn't mean it?  
_

_He blinked in indecision._

_It wasn't such a terrible thing to do._

_Okay, it was kind of terrible. He'd been left behind before. He knew the pain of waking up to absence. But even though _April's condition wasn't comfortable, it was stable and improving. Her family was here. He wasn't her family.__

_Not really._

_"Jah-ckson? What's...happen...? I hurt..."_

_She wouldn't remember. She didn't remember. It was for the best.  
_

_"You've hit your head, April. You're going to be okay."_

_"Oh...okay."_

_Her breath rate increased, her gaze lost focus, and she slipped away into a seizure yet again._

_Jackson turned and left the room._

"Where's April?" The edge in Matthews voice indicated that this probably wasn't the first time he'd asked. Jackson blinked, pulling himself out of his worst memory.

"Uh..." he faltered. "I think she went to get you some food."

After she almost kissed him.

Looking at the stricken old woman in the bed, and the stricken son at her bedside, Jackson instantly felt another wave of guilt. He could easily be in Matthew's position someday. Catherine was still healthy and vivacious for now, but she was getting older. Jackson knew that someday he would probably be sitting at her bedside for some reason or another. Only he wouldn't have a wife and family to support him.

"I really am sorry about your mom," Jackson said finally.

Matthew sniffed, "Me too."

An awkward silence followed, and Jackson didn't know what to say. The tension in the room was high, and there really wasn't anything he could say to make things less uncomfortable between them, and even less he could do to make Lynn Taylor's condition less tragic.

"You don't have to stay, you know..." the paramedic added. "I'm fine by myself till April comes back."

That was probably true. Though, the guy's pale ashen cheeks and deflated posture did seem to indicate otherwise. Matthew definitely seemed like he was on the verge of some major grieving. Not that he would show it to Jackson, of course. There was a part of him that wanted to take the out. A part that wanted nothing more than to turn tail and walk away.

"Nah, man," he replied after only a moment of hesitation. "It's cool. I'll wait."

But of course, there was the other part of Jackson that longed to see April again. Even for a moment. And considering their near kiss, and more specifically April's reaction to it, he wasn't sure how soon he'd be able to see her alone again. And every single part of Jackson wanted to see her again. Even just for a brief instant and with Matthew around.

After years of not seeing her, and only living with images and memories in his mind, Jackson would take what he could get.

Matthew set his jaw and crossed his arms, leaning back from his mother's bed glaring at Jackson. He sneered, "I bet this all plays in really well with your grand plan, huh Avery?"

"What?"

"I found your business card, you know," the paramedic continued, clearly suspicious of Jackson, despite his own obvious emotional turmoil. "You gave it to her when she got her award. April told me you wanted her to call you."

Jackson frowned and shoved his hands in his pockets, feeling suddenly exposed and called out, like a child caught with his hand in the cookie jar, or a teenager sneaking out of the house.

"Look I-"

"Now," Matthew continued, ignoring Jackson's attempt to explain himself. "Instead of waiting for a call, she's right here in the building with you. She thinks you're just trying to reconnect, but I know what you're trying to do."

Jackson tilted his head. While it did seem that Matthew was more wise to the whole situation than he'd originally considered, it also seemed that he didn't know that April had actually already called Jackson. He didn't know they'd already fought, because if he knew some of the things Jackson had said to his wife, Matthew would likely be far angrier than this.

April was keeping secrets from her husband.

"We were very close friends," Jackson stated carefully.

A humorless laugh escaped Matthew's lips, "We can be frank with each other, Avery. I know you were more than friends. I know you were her first. You broke April's heart."

Swallowing hard, Jackson winced. He didn't know how much April had shared with her husband about her past with him. Clearly, more details than Jackson might have wished. A part of him was mad that Matthew knew any of it, because what happened between the two of them was special and private. Then again, as he'd already suspected, Matthew certainly didn't know  _everything._  He thought that Jackson had broken April's heart. Now, Jackson understood that that was absolutely true. But there was a part of it that Matthew didn't know.

She'd broken Jackson's heart too. She'd broken his first. Hadn't she?

"And now you regret letting her go," Matthew concluded. "And you think because you're this big freaking spoiled deal, that you just lure her away..."

"I just want my friend back, I'm not trying to do anything more than that."

The explanation seemed hollow even to Jackson's ears. He knew that he was driven to contact April for deeper reasons. It was fueled by regret, loneliness, and most of all, love. She had been his best everything, and Jackson  _needed_ April in his life. While he might not be consciously wishing to break up April's marriage, the fact was he felt very little guilt about their near kiss, in fact he knew that he felt far less guilt than he should.

Kissing April just didn't seem wrong. It could never be wrong. Deep down, Jackson supposed he believed that his bond with April transcended all other bonds, even those she had with her own husband.

And, in his heart of hearts, Jackson realized that he couldn't deny that he wished he could be with April somehow. If Matthew disappeared tomorrow, he knew he would choose to be with her in a heartbeat.

Something dark and rage filled flared in the paramedic's eyes, "Bullshit. I'm not stupid."

Jackson didn't know whether he was more surprised to hear April's husband curse, or to be called out so directly.

Matthew seemed to have recognized Jackson's inner intentions before he could articulate them on his own. But he probably should have expected as much. Jackson had always kind of underestimated Matthew.

_"Oh, my God!" Karen's voice drew Jackson from the turmoil in his mind and the churning of his stomach as he stumbled back out into the waiting area. "How is she?"_

_He looked up to see a crowd of concerned Kepners staring at him in a panic, all waiting on bated breath to see what he had to say about seeing April. He supposed the grim expression on his face, that they were probably all fearing the worst. But he didn't feel and look sick because of April's condition. Not exactly anyway._

_She was getting better. She was._

_Jackson had run into a doctor after his hasty exit from her room, and the woman had told him that April's seizure medication was doing it's work to slow the fits down, and that soon they would be able to go in and repair her other fracture. Which in theory would relieve he pressure on the area of her brain that was causing the seizure's in the first place._

_He wasn't stricken because of April's prognosis._

_Jackson's expression reflected his shame and guilt over walking out of there. He'd left. Jackson walked out on April because he couldn't handle her concussed ramblings and because he was afraid to stay long enough to see if there was any truth in her words. He knew it was a decision. And he knew it was probably a wrong one. But he didn't know what else to do.  
_

_The alternative was too much for Jackson. Maybe he was scared. Maybe he was terrified. He just knew he was overwhelmed._

_"Uh," he fumbled, trying to compose himself in front of April's family. "She's improving. They'll still need to do another procedure, but she is better than she was when they brought her in."_

_A visible surge of relief seemed to course through the group, and Jackson actually allowed some of the relaxation to flow through his own muscles as well._

_"When can the rest of us see her?"_

_It was only when he spoke up that Jackson noticed Matthew was there, standing near the back of the group. Someone must have told him about April's injuries. The paramedic had likely arrived sometime in the intervening hours that Jackson had spent by April's side._

_Still, it was jarring to realize that he'd forgotten about the other man completely._

_A man who Jackson had seen April agree to marry with his own eyes. Even before they'd broken up, Jackson supposed he'd just never considered that Matthew was that big of a deal in April's life._ _Logically, it made sense that a man who proposed to April might make the effort to see if she was alright, but Jackson still found it hard to accept that Matthew could be truly significant. It seemed impossible that someone Jackson knew so little of could really matter in the grand scheme of things. Not with the way his and April's friendship had grown._

_Sure, he'd been jealous when she'd accepted the paramedic's proposal, but that anger had largely been directed at her. Not Matthew. _He'd never seemed like a threat.__

_Jackson had been mad at April for being so happy to accept a proposal from another man, when a part of him felt that she had callously trampled on his own proposal. He was mad when he saw April do things for the paramedic that she hadn't done for him. Simple a that. Nothing to do with Matthew._

_And yet, here he was._

_Despite everything Jackson's fear had just driven him to sacrifice, he felt a swell of jealousy rise in his chest. _Matthew shouldn't be here.__

_Jackson watched carefully as the taller man's brow furrowed in concern. He rested one comforting hand hand on Kimmie's shoulder as the woman dabbed at her eyes with a tissue. None of the Kepners seemed uncomfortable in Matthew's presence. Jackson supposed that April must have talked about her relationship, probably with her sisters, at least a little bit._

_More than she'd apparently talked about their fling anyway. To them, Jackson was a just April's 'friend'. He swallowed bitterly._

_Only then did he realize he wasn't the only man in April's life who could easily blend in with her family. It was readily apparent. He knew the paramedic was religious too._

_A strangled mess of sadness and self doubt surged through him, compounding his distress and guilt. In a way, Matthew Taylor probably even fit in better than Jackson ever could. Perhaps he was the one that didn't belong._

Jackson was taken off guard by the direct matter of fact way that Matthew was speaking. He'd never really viewed April's husband had never been one of those people who actively sought confrontation.

He crossed his arms. Jackson really didn't know how to handle this, "I don't know what you want me to say..."

Matthew snorted, "Of course you don't."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Jackson snapped.

"It's not that you don't know what to say, it's that you never actually say it."

"Oh yeah?"

Looking him squarely in the eyes, Matthew continued, "You are a coward Avery. You can't even admit it to yourself."

"Admit what?"

"Oh, gee, maybe something about how you feel about my wife!" Matthew's voice held even more anger than before. It seemed to be all he could do to stop himself from yelling at Jackson. "You were a coward then, and you still are!"

_"Where are you going?" Matthew's voice echoed behind him in a long corridor near Case Western Reserve's trauma recovery wing._

_Damn it._

_Jackson paused, wincing at the sound. He knew his plan for a quiet escape would not go unnoticed. He knew he was leaving. He knew he couldn't stay. He wasn't strong enough and delaying the inevitable would only make him feel worse. Jackson was having a difficult time understanding his actions himself. Matthew was almost the last person he wanted to explain himself too._

_"I, uh," he fumbled, stuffing his hands into the pockets of his hoodie and looking over his shoulder. "Actually, I have this board meeting thing back in Seattle, and since April is stable now, I probably should get back."_

_That wasn't exactly a lie. But Jackson knew he could easily get away with missing it. If they knew about April, Derek, Meredith and the rest would understand._

_"Really?"_

_The paramedic looked completely disbelieving. As though the idea of leaving April right now was completely nonsensical to him. It probably was. Which proved the already undeniable conclusion in Jackson's mind. Matthew as a better man than him._

_April would be better off when he was gone._

_Working hard to maintain his composure, Jackson answered, " _I have to...I'm board chairman."__

_As if that explained everything._

_Matthew looked puzzled, "You know she is gonna ask for you when she wakes up."_

_Jackson remained silent. They both knew it was true._

_"What should I tell her?"_

_Avoiding the question, Jackson swallowed, "You'll be there?"_

_"Of course."_

_Matthew was good. Matthew would stay. He could stay. He was the out. The seemingly perfect man that could offer April everything she wanted. Everything Jackson knew she deserved._

_All the he could not give her._

_"Good."_

_"I want to be there," Matthew continued carefully. "Do you?"_

_"I don't know."_

_His reply was so soft that Jackson wasn't even sure if the other man heard him. He didn't even care really, because the admission was painful enough for himself to accept._

_Ignoring any further conversation, Jackson turned on his heel and walked briskly out of the building and out of April's new life._

"I was a coward," Jackson conceded. "I didn't know how I felt."

"And now you do?"

"What if I do?"

"Well, tough luck, Avery," Matthew snapped, clearly working hard to remain seated. "You're too late. I'm not sure if you rich people hear this very often, but you are not entitled to everything. You can't have everything you want."

Jackson grimaced. His own words back to haunt him. Now he knew how much it hurt. Petulantly, he lashed out.

"April loves me."

He just  _knew_  she did, even after all this time. As hard as it had been for him to believe when April when she'd told him about her feelings in a daze, now he didn't need them. He realized that in the present, actions spoke louder than words. Jackson didn't think April would have called him, or called him again if she didn't love him deep down, and there was certainly no way she'd come as close to kissing him as she had if she did not still love him.

If she didn't love him, April wouldn't be as angry. Or as defeated.

"You think I don't know that?" Matthew replied fiercely. "I've known that a long time. April is the kind of person who loves. Her capacity to care is...it's one of my favorite things about her. Even if it means I have to live with knowing that she loves you. But you know what? She loves me too. She loves me different."

Sighing heavily, Jackson's eyes strayed to the tips of his sneakers. Matthew was not an idiot, Jackson realized. He might appear to be simple and naive, but the man was observant and perceptive. And yet, he seemed to think that this conversation was a preemptive way of telling Jackson to back off. He remained unaware of late night phone calls and clandestine near kisses.

" _I'm_  the one who was there for her," the paramedic pointed to his chest, rising to his feet and walking toward Jackson. "I'm the one who has  _been_  there. When she was sick  _and_  when she was healthy. When she freaked out and thought she wasn't good enough for every promotion,  _and_  when she got her footing and kicked butt. When she gave me our children and for every step she's taken since our marriage. I've been there. April and me, we're happy. And you have to accept that!"

Jackson knew that that couldn't be true. April had told him so, without actually saying the words. She wasn't happy with her life.

"Look," he offered awkwardly, trying to defuse the situation. He was aware that April was due to return at any time, and he didn't want her to feel as though he was talking about her and about  _them_  behind her back. Even to Matthew. Plus, Brooks's resident could also arrive at any moment, and the last thing they needed was to end up as Grey Sloan gossip.

Jackson lifted his pocketed hand, pointing to Lynn Taylor's bed with his lab coat. "I know this is a hard time for you so I think we should probably just cool this down a few notches..."

"Oh thanks. How generous of you to notice," Matthew rolled his eyes, stepping closer. "It's a shit time for me and I have to worry about decisions that should be about my family, and taking care of my mom, but now I've got to keep an eye on you too."

Jackson held up his hands, "I am not trying to start anything, man. I'm serious. I know I messed up. I know I lost the chance to have what I want. Now, all I want is my friend back."

At least in theory anyway.

"So you don't have feelings for my wife? You wouldn't be thrilled if she dumped me like a hot potato and came running back to you after all these years? She's not gonna pick you, so leave us alone, Avery. Get out and leave us the hell alone!"

Jackson held Matthew's gaze mutely.

He knew he couldn't do that. Even though it made him a terrible person, he just knew it would be impossible to leave April alone and cut her out of his life completely. Not now that he understood how much better his life felt with April in it. In a way, Matthew had helped Jackson to better understand his feelings. He wanted calls. He wanted fights. He wanted to understand the person she'd become.

Jackson wanted April.

"Um," April appeared the doorway, holding a cardboard coffee tray, and plastic bag of food from the cafeteria. Her eyes darted suspiciously between the two men as they stood, not so subtly locked, in an intense stand off. "Is everything okay?"

It wasn't clear to Jackson, how much of the conversation she'd just overheard, if she'd heard anything at all. She probably hadn't. It was clear to him however, that April refused to meet his eyes.

Seemingly satisfied that his show of aggression would do the trick, Matthew groaned wearily and held a hand to his face, "Yeah. Just stressed about my mom. She's still the same."

"Oh," April nodded, holding her the coffee out to her husband. "The left one is yours. Sugar, no cream."

"Real sugar or that sweet and low baloney?" Matthew halfheartedly quipped, taking a long swig of the coffee.

April rolled her eyes, "Like you need a sugar high right now. It's Equal."

"Huh," the taller man commented. "I'd never have noticed."

He looked over April's shoulder to Jackson pointedly, "Sometimes a substitute is just as good as the real thing. And better for you."

Jackson stepped back, moving into the hallway, eager to escape Matthew's anger filled gaze, "I'll be just outside until the resident gets here."

He watched carefully as the two interacted, surprised at how in sync they were, but gratified to note a lingering awkwardness between April and Matthew. The paramedic might think that he and April were living the dream. He might believe that his coffee metaphor was the truth. But Jackson could see that the Taylors were not the perfect couple they seemed to be.

He just needed to figure out what he was going to do about it.


	7. Chapter 7

April frowned and pulled at the edge of her empty coffee cup, tearing another strip of plastic off of Matthew's finished drink. She'd already decimated her own cup, the remains of which sat in a neat pile beside her seat next to her mother in law's bed. Quarters were tight. This was the high risk patient room. Usually there was only one visitor allowed at a time, but it seemed that Brooks and Jackson had ensured that the rule be relaxed in this case. April had been in the room with her husband and his mother for almost 2 hours, and no one had said a thing about it.

Despite the coffee, both April and Matthew were exhausted. She was restless and Matthew had fallen asleep, awkwardly perched on his own chair.

They had a hotel to go to, but after everything that had happened, April didn't quite have the heart to wake him up. Maybe she was even a little afraid of what they would talk about when he did. Whatever had happened between Matthew and Jackson, she'd seen enough to know that it was far from friendly.

Which was entirely her own fault.

April felt like a cheater. Even though Matthew didn't know about it, she felt like he'd figure it out. She felt like everyone knew. As though Matthew and everyone else could tell just by looking at her. Like the whole world could see a scarlet letter blazed on her forehead. She'd almost kissed someone other than her husband. For a split second she'd even desperately  _wanted_  to kiss someone other than her husband. April didn't even really know what had come over her. Kissing Jackson felt natural. Like the easiest thing in the world. Involuntary.

Almost instinct. Like a blink. Or a sigh. Like breathing. And what did that say about her really?

April might not have actually cheated, but she may as well have. Her desires had nearly gotten the best of her, anyway. She was a terrible wife. She was. Because she knew that right now she should be focused on her husband, his mother, and the way forward. There were decisions to make. Matthew had already hinted at the ways that Lynn's stroke would impact their lives. It was already pretty clear to both of them that the woman would never be able to live on her own again.

How would they address that? Nursing home? Move Lynn to Ohio? Move their family to Washington?

These were all decisions that Matthew and April would have to make. This was a time of hardship for her husband and by extension, their family. That was what she  _should_  be thinking about. It was what she  _should_  be focused on. And she was trying to think that way.

But April just couldn't seem to stop herself from thinking about Jackson.

A part of her felt sorry for him. He was obviously lonely and remorseful. Jackson seemed so alone. Whatever feelings of isolation April felt in her own family, at least she had one. As stressed and concerned as she'd been when she'd called Jackson from the airport and solicited his help with her mother in law, the sound of excitement and glee in Jackson's voice when he'd picked up the phone had not escaped her notice.

He sounded happy. Because of her. April's call had made him happy, in a way she had never even paused to consider when she'd placed the call. Even now, a decade after the decline of their friendship, April could make Jackson feel happy. With something as simple as a phone call. It was a weird kind of power that April didn't really think she'd ever had over him.

And Jackson certainly had proved that he still very much held some power over her. April didn't know what had driven her to reveal so much of her life to Jackson. No one, not her sisters, parents, or even Matthew new how much of an impostor April felt in her own life. She kept that horrible truth buried deep inside, behind her forced smiles, her ER protocols, and her checklists.

But she'd let the words pour out of her, both in anger and in anguish, when she spoke with Jackson.

He had another power too. April had nearly kissed him. She'd seen the depth of his sadness in Jackson's eyes, and before she could even think about what she was doing, April had the nearly vow overwhelming pull to comfort him in whatever way possible. She didn't know why she couldn't stop herself from worrying about him and caring about him.

The only answer that came to mind was just as much a non answer. April cared about him because he was Jackson. And she would  _always_ care about Jackson. Which was not the correct answer at all. Not the proper one. Not the safe one.

But it was all so easy to fall back into. The worrying and the caring and the...loving?

Swallowing hard, April shook her head, trying to clear her thoughts. She picked up her discarded coffee cups and tiptoed past the still snoring Matthew into the hallway in search of a trashcan. She needed to forget the look she'd seen in Jackson's eyes. That look had nearly been her undoing.

April needed to forget it.

Because there was a whole other part of her that was still furious with Jackson Avery. The part of April that held anger was full and there was more than enough to dole out a share to her former best friend. It was far easier to direct at him than it was do focus on herself.

How dare Jackson wait all this time,  _years_  before he finally got it through his head that he might have made some mistakes too? How dare he waltz back into her life,  _now_  of all times, asking with his words and his eyes for phone calls and friendships and kisses? How dare he make  _her_  feel sorry for  _him_?

Not when he was the one who'd rejected her. Left her when she needed him. Jackson hadn't wanted April. He'd hurt her.

She needed to try to force herself to remember that.

_On April's_ _last day at Grey Sloan before she left Seattle for her fellowship in Ohio, Chief Hunt had insisted on hosting a goodbye party at his firehouse._ _She'd tried in vain to deter him from throwing anything, because the last thing she'd wanted was to draw more attention to the fact that she was leaving._

_The hospital gossip train was still chugging along. She wasn't just the trauma dud. Now, April Kepner was also the crazy neurotic who went batshit on an injured coworker during a crisis, and who'd flip flopped on the flashmob proposal from the perfect paramedic all in the same evening. Interns and attendings alike looked at her with judging eyes. She could just feel them._

_And on top of all of that, the whole debacle had become an internet "thing". April found that out when a woman recognized her in the grocery store check out line a few weeks after Seattle's big storm. The kind older lady had congratulated her on finding a great man who loved romance and still made big romantic gestures.  
_

_"Chivalry isn't completely dead, my dear."_

_April had only thanked the woman awkwardly, nodding in shock before quickly gathering her shopping and returning to her car._

_As it turned out, coworkers of Matthew had posted video of the proposal, including her tearful acceptance, which apparently attracted thousands of views almost instantaneously. Apparently youtube had a market for flashmobs._

_Just her luck._

_Of course, eventually it was revealed _in the comment section of the video_  that she'd broken off the engagement that very same evening. She knew she shouldn't look or care about what other people -complete strangers- said about her on the internet. But April couldn't help herself. She'd spent a lifetime craving acceptance and approval. From friend, family, and stranger._

_A few of the comments stuck up for her, stating simply that no one knew the details of the relationship beyond the context of the small clip. Others at least felt sympathetic to the position such a public proposal left April in and how hard it would have been to decline in the moment._

_But most people took Matthew's side and called April names. The video was renamed "_ _flash mob fail" and every time she felt anyone's eyes linger on her both at work and when she was out and about in Seattle, she worried that they were judging her._

_The last thing April wanted was a goodbye party._

_She just wanted to keep her head down and finish out her last days in Seattle peacefully. But Chief Hunt was her mentor. Owen wanted to send her off in style. April, as usual, found it incredibly difficult to say no._ __And April knew Owen wasn't having the best year of his life either, with the hospital reorganization and his halfhearted attempts to move on from Cristina._   _As ever, Hunt's attention was on something other than April._ He probably had no idea why she didn't want her departure to be marked at all._

_April just wanted to disappear._

_Yet here she was, smiling awkwardly as her coworkers filtered into Hunt's home. The firehouse wasn't a place April had really spent any extended amount of time in, and she felt very much out of place, caught between being the guest of honor and the instinctive urge to play hostess as the guests filtered in._

_It wasn't even people April was very close too, anyway. Most of her so called friends weren't there. Aside from Owen, the party was mostly populated by drunk interns and haggard residents in search of free boos. Heather had just gotten discharged from the hospital after her electrocution, and seemed to be making up for lost time by downing vodka shots, while Shane watched on nervously. Murphy was with Wilson near the ipod speakers swaying dangerously, and seemingly trying to hold back tears._

_Certainly not for April. None of them were lamenting her move._

_Her nursing and EMT acquaintances were far less friendly with April these days, having sided with Matthew in the breakup. Meredith and Derek were at home occupied with little Bailey. Callie was staying with them as far as anyone knew. Ben had returned unexpectedly from Los Angeles, so big Bailey was a no show. Webber was dead. Cristina wasn't there. Neither was Arizona._

_He hadn't shown up either. Not that Jackson not being there was a big surprise. April knew he was mad at her for choosing to leave in the first place. But it still made her sad. He just didn't seem to understand how painful it would be for her to stay._

_Surprisingly Alex was there, beer bottle in hand, watching in amusement as his girlfriend and her intern cohort bickered and danced. He, Chief Hunt, and April all stood clustered together in the kitchen, leaning on the counter top and observing the antics of the younger doctors like chaperones at a high school prom._

_Karev tilted his head toward April and asked, "Happy to be leaving this hellhole, Kepner?"_

_She opened her mouth, fully prepared to give her snarky friend the joke reply he expected. But the words died in her throat as the front door opened, drawing her gaze to the latest arrivals to the firehouse party._

_Jackson and Stephanie. Arm in arm. Leaning on each other and smiling smugly. In such a public way. Very obviously and unequivocally together. April couldn't help but gape at the pair, watching as Jackson helped the younger doctor shrug out of her coat. Nor could April help the surge of jealousy that rose in her chest as she watched Jackson fold Edwards coat over his arm and take hold of her purse, while he let the younger woman run off to join her friends. He carefully hung the items in the coat closet, following Stephanie to join the interns._

_A small wave and a cold stare was all Jackson afforded April, and it was all she could do to hold back the tears that rushed to her eyes. He was still angry._

_Chivalry might not be dead, but romantic gestures, big or small, were something April felt she'd never had with Jackson._ _She knew he was trying to be a better boyfriend to Stephanie. She'd seen him try, and despite their distance, Jackson had practically told her as much. And that was fine. April supposed she couldn't begrudge him from treating his...whatever she was...the way he wanted to._

_He'd never even really been April's boyfriend in the first place._

_They'd never been on actual dates. They had been all about hiding in hotel rooms and on call rooms. Jackson never offered to take April anywhere or held her purse or helped her with her coat. He never even went out in public with her. He never showed her off or held her arm. He'd never given April half the level of care and attention he seemed to pour into Stephanie. Which hurt most of all. Because, if nothing else, they were best friends. He knew just how important firsts were for her, and how completely new to all of it she really was._

_But guys like Jackson didn't want girls like April. Even when she wanted him._

_Beside April, oblivious to her anguish, Chief Hunt balked, "Grey Sloan Memorial gives you your paycheck, Karev. It gives you the opportunity to practice your craft and save lives...surely you can sound more grateful than that..."_

_"Uh, it also gives me a statistically shorter life span, dude. We've had a shooting and a plane crash. Not to mention residents getting hit by freaking buses and..." Alex gulped sadly and mumbled. "Doctors getting electrocuted and crazy crap like that. I'm just calling it like I see it. Kepner's lucky to make it out of here unscathed."_

_April took a shuddering breath, turning behind her and pouring herself a shot of vodka before downing it with as much gusto as she could muster. Anything to slow her thoughts and numb her feelings. Alex and Owen looked on in shock._

_Coughing and blinking rapidly, April agreed unconvincingly, "Yeah...totally unscathed."_

Dropping her garbage in a trashcan near an unmanned nurses station, April let out a long sigh and brushed her hair back. This day felt like the longest day. She knew she should get back to Matthew and Lynn, but it did not stop her from dragging her feet. The room was too small. The diagnosis was too dire. And the expectations she could just feel radiating from even a sleeping Matthew felt suffocating.

April needed a moment to breathe.

Of course she didn't get it. Turning around, April gasped in shock, nearly losing her balance on the shiny hospital tile. Jackson was there. Right behind her, watching her with his head tilted in concern. Holding out a plastic cup of water. April ducked her head and crossed her arms, trying her hardest to concentrate on the floor and not his piercing gaze. She couldn't go down that path again. Not after their near kiss.

April knew she shouldn't.

His brow furrowed, and Jackson held the water cup closer, "Here."

"Thanks..."

She reached out, taking the cup tentatively, and sipping slowly. April still couldn't look at him because she was afraid that looking at him would lead to touching him or kissing him and you are not  _supposed_  to want to touch or kiss someone that wasn't your husband. She needed to remember that she had good reasons to be mad at him. Right?

But when he looked at her that way, it was hard for April to focus on the bad memories.

"April," Jackson groaned, taking one step closer and forcing her to take one step back. "You can't even look at me?"

The note of pleading in his voice was once and probably always would be her undoing. April couldn't deny him something so simple. He wanted her to look at him. She could do that. She could control herself to do that and nothing more. She had to.

April swallowed and lifted her eyes to Jackson relying softly, "I can."

"Good."

He smiled. That radiant beaming smile from residency that April suspected was reserved for only her. He leaned forward on the balls of his feet and reached out to place a lock her hair behind her ear. The action made April avert her gaze and shy away once again. It was too intimate somehow.

"You can't do that."

The smile faded. Closing his eyes for a moment, Jackson balled his fingers into a fist, "I know. You're right. I'm sorry. It was just...reflex."

April could understand that. Her reflexes with regards to Jackson didn't exactly feel appropriate either. Thinking back to her near infidelity, she shook her head trying to ignore the feelings that accompanied her thoughts. They stood in silence, and April began to wonder what exactly Jackson wanted.

"Uh," she fumbled. "I should be getting back."

Jackson took a step and blocked her path. He bit his lower lip, seemingly casting around for something to say, "Wait...how is everything? With Mrs. Taylor, Matthew?"

"Still crappy," April replied reluctantly, scratching her neck. She suspected that he didn't really care about her husband or his mother. It wasn't his business. Jackson was just stalling, in order to keep talking to her. He wanted to prolong the interaction. Which April knew could lead to no good, yet she took the bait and kept talking anyway. "I mean, it's probably going to change our lives forever..."

"You're going to have to move here."

"Probably..."

Even though they hadn't really talked over anything specifically, April really couldn't see any other way around that. Matthew's mother had a very long road to recovery. And even when she did recover, Lynn would never be independent again. They would have to figure out how to handle that, and as far as April could tell, the most logical way to handle the situation would be for the family to leave Ohio and care for Lynn in her home city. It wasn't like she could travel easily. And Matthew was an only child, so it wasn't like there was anyone else who could step up to the plate and care for the ailing woman.

And April knew first hand that Matthew was good at stepping up and taking care of things. It was part of the reason they'd ended up married in the first place.

_"Leave me alone!" April groaned as all three of her sisters fussed around her hospital bed, bickering over which food item on her tray would be most suitable for her first post op meal. Like her head injury could prevent her from making even the most basic decision about what to eat._

_She grumbled, "I can handle this by myself..."_

_"Now Duckie!" Libby chastised crossing her arms with a small pout. "You've just had a major procedure. That makes your body weak, you know? You don't want to eat anything that might upset your stomach..."_

_Kimmie and Alice nodded earnestly._

_"In case you forgot, I'm a doctor," April scowled indignantly. Her experience told her that probably all of the hospital food would upset her stomach. Injury and surgery or not. Hospital food was universally bad. "I know exactly how the body reacts after an operation."_

_She was tired and her muscles felt sprained and her head hurt. Her tolerance for visitors, especially her family was at all all time low, and she was starving._

_"Doctor's make the worst patients," Kimmie tutted._

_Taking hold of April's hand, Alice smiled sadly, "We just want to help you, April. You really gave us all a scare."_

_April frowned. Not everyone._

_Her parents, sisters, and Mr. Matthew-proposal take two-can't take a hint-Taylor all seemed frightened and concerned about her. But Jackson was gone._

_She'd bared her soul to him. Laid it all out. Played all her cards. April remembered telling Jackson she loved him. She knew she had. But it wasn't enough. She wasn't enough. _The man she loved had left her behind.__

_A spoon full of applesauce suddenly appeared, hovering in front of April's mouth. Kimmie leaned closer, "Open up, Duckie."_

_The repeated use of her childhood nickname and all the connotations of it origin, made April's temper flare. Ugly Duckling. The weird and awkward sister who didn't quite fit in. The one no one wanted. The one people left behind. The one that always needed help because she was too incompetent to even feed herself, let alone succeed at anything else. A failure._

_Why did her sisters even want to help her? Why would anyone want to? The only answer she could think of was pity. She hated being pitied._

_Turning her head away sharply, April's lip curled, "No! No! Get out! I can do it myself. I'm not your stupid helpless sister."_

_"April-"_

_Hurt clearly flickered across all her sisters faces. She would feel guilty, but April's pity for herself overshadowed everything else she might be feeling. It sucked to be April Kepner right now, as far as she was concerned, and that eclipsed all other worries._

_Glaring and breathing heavily, April raised her voice, "Just leave! I don't want you here!"_

_To her surprise, (because actually listening was exceptionally uncharacteristic of her sisters) they all reluctantly went along with her request, filtering out of the room. Alice offered one final sympathetic glance before the door closed behind them with a thud that sent shooting pains through April's head._

_Moaning softly April looked around the empty room. She was alone._

_Lifting a shaky hand April reached for the spoon and cup of applesauce Kimmie had left behind. The task turned out to be much more difficult than she thought it would be, as her motor skills were still recovering from surgery. Eventually, April knew physical therapy would retrain her strained muscles and healing brain, and she'd be back to normal. Someday she'd do surgeries again. Her specialist had told her so, and April believed him._

_But in the moment it all seemed like an impossible pipe dream. Someday was not today._

_Right now, it took all April's concentration to control her fingers enough to wrap them in a death grip around the spoon handle. Sweat broke out on her forehead as she moved the spoon to the cup of applesauce and tried to scoop a small amount on the spoon. After three tries, she'd managed to get a bite ready so she moved her trembling hand toward her open mouth. Almost there. April leaned forward toward the food filled spoon. She almost had it._

_Suddenly the weight of the spoon seemed to be too much and all too quickly the balance of the utensil was off and her much anticipated bite of applesauce slid off the spoon and into her lap. Growling in frustration, she threw down the spoon._

_April burst into tears. Her head hurt and her arms hurt and there were marks from restraints on her wrists and...they'd cut her hair! _She couldn't even feed herself. She felt pathetic even before she'd gotten injured. She'd felt pathetic from the moment Jackson had turned her down in Seattle. Her life was pathetic. Now her looks and abilities matched the feeling._ It was all to much. And the one person who always made her feel better when things overwhelmed her was gone._

_"Hey," Matthew's gentle voice comforted, as he poked his head in the doorway._

_Seeing the tall paramedic only made April sob harder. Because he was still here. Hanging around with her family. Checking in on her. She'd rejected him and flat out told him that her feelings of affection for him were not love, and he was still offering her everything._

_"It's okay," he continued, making his way to April's bedside and reaching out to brush the tears off her cheeks._

_April only cried harder, doubling over with the weight of her sadness and the gravity of the past year of her life. Matthew only sat on the bedside and took in the scene before him carefully. The tray, the spoon, the applesauce._

_"Were you trying to eat?"_

_Real genius, Matthew._

_Still unable to answer him, April closed her eyes and worked to calm herself. One shaky breath at a time._

_Matthew didn't seem to see the deeper reasons why she was messed up. He took things at face value._ _Matthew didn't know her well enough to hurt her. He didn't know her deepest insecurities or her biggest fears._

_Finally, opening her teary eyes and gulping deeply, April nodded._

_"I see," Matthew picked up the spoon and used a napkin to clean the mess of the lost bite off of her lap. He then grabbed the cup of applesauce and scooped a new bite._

_"I can do it," April mumbled pitifully. Like her sister's, Matthew saw her through the lens of pity. She frowned and hung her head, "I can do it myself."_

_Matthew watched in concern, "I know you can. You can do anything you want to."_

_Anything she wanted._

_It was the kind of words April wanted to hear from someone else. The kind of confidence in her that she wished she could get from her own family._ _He reached out and grabbed her hand, sliding the spoon between her fingers, and wrapping his own steady hands around hers. Matthew then carefully guided April's own hand toward her mouth letting her take a very satisfying bite of applesauce._

_Matthew smiled, "Good?"_

_April sighed, licking her lips and nodding thoughtfully. The man beside her guided her hand for another bite. And then another. And another._

_On paper Matthew was everything she'd ever wanted. In her head she could see everything so very clearly. Matthew was easy. Simple. No challenges, no confusion. _He wouldn't leave her._ He didn't care that her heart didn't love him. Matthew loved her anyway. He'd laid it out for her when he'd proposed for the second time._

_There was no such thing as perfect. April had spent most of her life chasing after perfection. Get the perfect grades, get the perfect career. Find the perfect love. If she was perfect, God and everyone else would love her. If she didn't make any mistakes, then she wouldn't end up alone. Now she realized that it didn't seem to matter. There was no such thing as perfect._

_God? He was there. Always. But everyone else? April couldn't control how other people felt about her. And she was tired of bending over backwards trying to do so._

_There were things she wanted out of life. More than anything, April didn't want to be alone. It wasn't perfect, but it was better to have Matthew here in the room with her, believing in her, and helping her eat, than it was to listen to her sisters fuss over what she couldn't do. And it was _infinitely better than_  trying to struggle alone._

_There was no such thing as perfection and she didn't want to be alone. That was exactly what Matthew's proposal offered her. They could built a life together. It would be safe and predictable and easy. Painless. And at this point, all April felt she had the energy for was safe, predictable, and easy._

_She was tired of hurting._

_Swallowing another bite, April turned to look Matthew in the eyes, using what little strength she had in her hands to still his movements._

_"Yes. I'm saying yes."_

_His eyes widened in delight and disbelief, "Are-Are you...? Is this? You wanna marry me?"_

_"I do." She let a melancholy smile make it's way to the corners of her lips._

_It was the best option April had to avoid being alone. Companionship was the best she could hope for._

As dangerous an option moving back to Seattle was for April, (and she could admit to herself that her weaknesses made it risky) a move definitely was the most prudent and responsible one. If not for her baggage, it would be a no brainer.

Paramedics were in demand, and Matthew already had a professional network here. April was fresh of receiving the Harper Avery Award along with it's accompanying grant money. Career wise, a move would be disruptive, but not impossible.

As for the children, a move would also be disruptive, but not as much as it could be. Lindsey had yet to start kindergarten and Jake hadn't been having the easiest time in 1st grade at his school in the first place. He was, for whatever reason, often the target of bullies and his shyness made it hard for him to make friends. Matthew and April were already considering switching schools for next year. A fresh start in a new state would probably be good for them.

April was the one who was the problem, if they needed to move. Because Seattle was the home of all her past woes. Jackson was here, and he was hard for her to ignore. Even harder for her to resist.

Trying once again to step around Jackson's imposing stance, she stammered, "I should really g-go back. Matthew and I need to go to our hotel..."

"You could work here," Jackson said hopefully, stepping in front of her path yet again. "If you guys did move back. I can make that happen. You can work here again. We could-"

"No," April shook her head vehemently. "I can't. You know I can't..."

"Why?" His gaze was penetrating and intense. Boring into her and demanding an answer. "I can make it happen. Just say the word. Hunt would be thrilled to have you here too. It would be so easy..."

Biting her bottom lip, she tilted her head to one side, "Because, I...I just can't."

"So," Jackson crossed his arms. "We're not even going to talk about what happened today?"

Feigning ignorance, April took another drink of water, "There isn't anything to talk about."

"Oh," Jackson rolled his eyes. "Right. I got it. We're doing that again. Not talking. You almost kissed me and we're not talking about it."

"Now is not the time. I-I made a mistake," April's voice was low and firm, but she honestly wasn't sure which of her mistakes she was referring to.

There were many. She'd made the mistake of hurting Jackson years ago, whether she intended to or not. She'd made the mistake of marrying Matthew because she thought it was better than being alone. And she'd made a mistake in letting her pull towards Jackson take her off guard.

It didn't really matter that there was totally a part of April that had wanted to kiss Jackson. She'd made her choices. She'd married Matthew. Her bed was made and April knew that the right thing to do was to continue laying in it.

That was her duty to the family she'd created.

"If you came back and worked here, you don't have anything to worry about. I won't..." Watching her intently, Jackson smirked. "I would never make you do something you didn't  _want_  to do. And I think you wanted to kiss me...I don't think you ever wanted to stop kissing me."

"I-" she stammered. "I don't-"

He glanced down to her lips and licked is own, "We never have to do anything you don't want to do."

April's eyes grew wide. What was Jackson saying to her exactly? What did he mean? Was he offering to have an affair with her? Did he really think she was that selfish? That weak? That she could be so cruel to do something like that to Matthew? To her family? To her children's father. She might not be any happier than Jackson was on his own, but April wasn't about to willingly break a vow she made before God, simply because he'd finally realized...what exactly? That he regretted how thing had turned out between them? It wasn't like he'd ever told her he loved her. And now it was much much too late.

The past was the past and it sucked, but nothing Jackson or April could do would change things that were already over and done for.

"I don't want anything to do with you, Jackson," April countered defiantly.

Jackson seemed unfazed by her words, "Yes, you do. You said you missed me."

"What?"

"At the gala, when you got your award. You said you missed me."

April frowned. That was true. She realized that she did miss him. Very much Beneath the anger and the push pull and whatever else, she missed the guy who could make her laugh in the cafeteria at Mercy West. She missed the guy who stuck up for her when people picked on her. She missed the man who'd made her feel desirable for the first time in her life. She missed her support system.

April couldn't lie. "I do miss you. But that doesn't change anything."

"You didn't tell Matthew you called me. You didn't tell him we'd already talked," Jackson continued tilting his head to one side. "Seems like Matthew doesn't know a lot of things about his wife. You wanna know what I think? I think you guys aren't nearly as happy as you pretend to be."

Now it was April's turn to step in front of Jackson's path. Her temper flared and she glared up at him, jabbing her finger into his chest, "Don't you dare presume to tell me about my own marriage, Jackson! It's not your place to judge us."

"I'm not judging you, I'm just saying things don't have to stay-"

The shrill sound of her phone ringing broke the spell and made them both jump. April slipped the phone out of her pocket, squinting down at the name on the id screen as Jackson backed off and moved to her side. It was her sister. A video call, which meant it was really from her children. Excitement quickly replaced all the emotions she'd been feeling only moments ago. She missed her babies.

Immediately pressing the button, April watched eagerly as Kimmie along with her ever present glass of wine, a pajama clad Lindsey, and Jake appeared on her phone screen. Jackson lingered, looking pensive as the image appeared on the screen, and for some reason April didn't feel the need to push him away.

"Hey guys..."

Kimmie sipped at her wine and shrugged, "I didn't know if we were going to be able to get your or not. Just figured we'd check in before bed..."

"Hi Mommy!" Lindsey shouted waving happily. She squinted at the screen and smiled in delight. "Is that Doctor Jackson? Are you taking care of my Gramma?"

"Hello Lindsey," Jackson replied easily. "Your Gamma is in my hospital so I am making sure she gets better."

Kimmie leaned closer to the camera, not so unsubtely checking the plastic surgeon out.

Jake waved too, but his expression was more subdued. He asked seriously,"Where's Daddy? How is Gramma? Did she die?"

April schooled her expression to appear calm. Jake understood more about what was going on with his grandmother than Lindsey, but neither of them were really old enough to deal with the whole truth. So April simplified.

"Gramma is alive, but she is really sick. Daddy is with her right now."

"Does she have soup?" Lindsey asked sincerely. "Soup is good for you when you're sick."

"Uh, Gramma's kind of sickness is different. She had something called a stroke." Kimmie's brow furrowed sympathetically as April continued to explain, "It's really hard and it means we're going to have to help her a lot to get better..."

"I'm a good helper!" her daughter announced. "I helped Aunt Kimmie clean all da floors."

"I bet you'll be a big help to your grandmother when she is ready to leave the hospital," Jackson added.

April sighed and glanced at him out of the corner of her eye. She didn't know why he was still standing there, or how he'd so easily injected himself into this conversation with her family. It irritated her. But what irritated her more was the fact that for some reason she couldn't tell him to back off.

"Gramma will probably be very different the next time you see her," she concluded sadly. "She might not be able to talk the same and her left side of her body might be hard for her to move...but she'll still love you both the same, okay?"

"Why won't she talk?" Jake asked sadly.

"She might be able to..." April tried to explain. "We just don't know yet."

"See Jake," Jackson cut in. "A stroke is really hard on a person's brain. And so when it's over the brain is very tired. Sometimes it's too tired to go back to the way it used to be."

That answer seemed to satisfy both children and they nodded. A crash in the background made Kimmie sigh, and she stood up with a groan, walking out of frame.

"That'll be Gary and the boys. I'll be right back..."

"Aunt Kimmie and Uncle Gary are mad at each other again," Lindsey whispered conspiratorially. "They yelled and Mikey and Seany and Patty all cried and Aunt Kimmie had to have her special drink."

Her sister and brother in law's troubled marriage wasn't exactly old news. To be perfectly honest, Kimmie and Gary were the last of April's sisters that she would pick to babysit. The situation with Lynn had just put her and Matthew on short notice. She winced and flushed with embarrassment as she glanced over to Jackson. He probably thought all the Kepner women had ended up with shitty marriages.

At least, issues all considered, April could say that she and Matthew had never made their children cry.

To April's surprise, Jackson beat her to providing an answer, "Grown ups fight sometimes, it's nothing to worry about..."

At the other end of the hallway, Matthew stood, hands buried deep in his pockets, as yet unseen by his wife and his chief rival for her affections. He held back a yawn and watched as April and Jackson leaned together over his phone. He set his jaw in suspicion just as April looked up.

"Those my kids?"

"Matthew!"

"Hi Daddy!" Jake and Lindsey greeted excitedly.

Her eyes widened and she felt a rush of guilt as she took in the expression on her husband's face. Matthew was stressed enough with his mom, and now here she was. Not that she'd crossed any lines with Jackson.

She'd come close, but her husband didn't know that.

Matthew joined them, deliberately putting himself between April and Jackson. "Always hovering, huh, Avery?"

"I..." Jackson scowled and swallowed roughly. "I gotta go..."

A few long strides had him halfway down the hallway, rounding a corner, and out of sight. April was strangely loathe to see him go. And she was pretty sure that her husband could tell. Her sense of dread grew. It was better when he was asleep. Matthew and the kids chatted briefly, but April could practically feel his thinly veiled suspicion. He was mad.

By the time they'd said their goodbyes and let the children sign out and go to bed, April could see that Matthew's attempts to conceal his anger were slipping away fast. He'd balled his fists and he wouldn't meet her gaze. Each step they took toward the parking lot was placed heavily, not quite a stomp. Matthew was walking alongside her, but he wouldn't stand very close. He was practically grinding his teeth like a freaking child.

"Matthew..." April pressed warily as they waited for the arrival of their taxi.

"Jackson Avery is an asshole!"

"We were just talking..."

Granted, she knew Matthew would be pretty pissed to know the subject of their talk, and the near infidelity that got them there, but what he didn't know couldn't hurt him. Right? Jackson was her problem and she was determined to keep it that way.

"I don't want you to let him talk to the kids," Matthew shoved his hands deep into his pockets.

"He just happened to be there when Kimmie called. He's..." What was Jackson exactly? At this point in her life, April didn't really know. She continued uncertainly. "He's my friend."

Matthew rolled his eyes, "Believe me, he doesn't want to 'just talk'. And he doesn't wanna 'just be your friend'."

April couldn't exactly argue with that.

"I don't want you to see him anymore either."

"Well, he owns the hospital where your mother's currently a patient, so we're bound to cross paths," April replied sarcastically trying to push down the rush of anger that rose in her chest. She made her own decisions. Matthew could not tell her what to do.

"And if we have to move here for my mom? You two going to keep crossing paths then?"

Their taxi arrived and they moved to the sides of the car, arguing the whole time.

April whirled to face him, yelling over the top of the car, "What? Now you don't trust me?"

Matthew gulped, "I don't know. I don't trust Avery."

"Well, don't worry," April quipped, unable to keep herself from taunting. "I'm married to  _you_ , for better or for worse. Usually just for boring..."

"What is that supposed to mean, April?"

"It means, I don't need you telling me what to do, okay? I am capable of making my own decisions," she answered firmly. Even if she didn't quite trust herself, she was wanted to make damn sure that Matthew did. "I've  _made_  my decisions. And you are not going to tell me what to do!"

Matthew looked at his feet, "Just don't see him! Is it that so hard to promise?"

For whatever reason, it was too hard to promise. April knew she just couldn't tell Matthew what he wanted to hear.

"Uh, excuse me?" the cab driver coughed awkwardly as he leaned out the driver' side window. "Sorry to interrupt, but I just wanted to let you know that this cab has a door to door autotab and it's already running. So...maybe you wanna pick this er, conversation up in the car?"

"There's nothing to pick up," April grumbled, sliding into the back seat with a huff and slamming her door. "This discussion is over."

Matthew's glare intensified as he joined her, "Who's telling someone what to do, now?"

April sighed and held her head in her hands, feeling a wave of despair. It seemed both Jackson and Matthew wanted things from her that she could not give. How was this her life?


	8. Chapter 8

Cramming a mouthful of french fries into his mouth, Alex chewed loudly as he gaped at Jackson incredulously, "You're buying Kepner a freaking hospital?"

"Avery is a king maker, now," Cristina added exchanging an amused glance with Meredith. "First he gives her the Harper Avery, then he gives her a hospital."

"It's no big deal," Jackson grumbled, poking lethargically at his taco salad. "She's more than capable of holding the position..."

It was a rare occasion that any of the old group of residents got the chance to actually sit together as a group at lunch. They were all pretty big shot attendings, with residents, practices, and departments to lord over. Cristina traveled a lot and lectured at medical schools. Alex and Meredith were both busy with spouses, projects and children. Jackson had other hospitals and the foundation to attend to.

It wasn't like when they were interns and residents and they would all congregate as a group in the cafeteria, gossiping about anything and everything, complaining about scut work, and trying to hide away from the fiercest attendings.

He could see them all clearly in his mind sitting together in their light blue scrubs, even now. Little moments spent as a group that all added up to an image of their time as residents. Just like it was yesterday.

_Alex was stuffing his face._ _Meredith and Cristina leaning together to share whatever secrets passed between twisted sisters._ _Jackson was trying to recount some story Sloan had told him over a nose job earlier in the day._ _Lexie had looked as uncomfortable as he always looked when Mark came up in conversation._ _April looked somewhat scandalized by the typical kind details in a Dr. Sloan story, but Jackson figured it couldn't be so bad because at least she was laughing._

Those days were long gone.

Jackson almost missed it. For a split second. Then he remembered how nosy his friends could really be. How much they loved to tease. Relentlessly. And how much he hated it.

Karev was still blinking in disbelief, "You're literally buying her a hospital?"

"If you're not careful, you'll start rumors, Jackson" Mer chuckled, looking at him with eyes that almost seemed like they knew all his problems. Not that she possibly could. He didn't even think he had a full grasp on all of them himself. "Remember, nepotism is for the weak..."

Jackson rolled his eyes, "It's only a trauma center and, per our last meeting, you both know it's not like we weren't already looking at the property to begin with."

"We were?" Alex asked.

Meredith and Cristina nodded sagely.

"It's been on the agenda," Jackson explained.

The board had been discussing the purchase ever since the little Bellevue Acute Trauma center across the lake had began having financial problems following the loss of a massive malpractice suit the previous year. The Level II trauma center had been poorly managed for years before that, and all the ineptitude finally caught up with the hospital when they got slammed with a ten person ski accident. The trauma center's disorganization led to the delay of a vital transfer of a serious patient to Grey Sloan Memorial, which ultimately resulted in the patient's death.

The family had sued and the resulting loss of the lawsuit cost the small hospital almost everything. The chief of surgery and senior staff had mostly been fired, and it was currently closed, pending a sale or buyout.

In other words, the place was a mess.

It was Hunt's pet project actually. He believed that smaller specialty trauma center's did have a place in the medical community, as stop gaps between larger better equipped hospitals. Though this kind of facility wasn't exactly in vogue in the country at large, Hunt had compelling research that for some patient's, a place like Bellevue Acute could create better outcomes, if there were run properly.

Both Hunt and the entire board agreed, that Bellevue Acute Trauma's location, on the east side of Lake Washington, a short chopper ride away from both Seattle and the popular ski and nature area of Snoqualmie National Forest, provided a vital link between medical centers. A critical patient from the east side could be cared for and stabilized by a team of trauma specialists before being transferred to a Level I hospital in Seattle. BAT was only minutes away from Grey Sloan by car and chopper.

It could buy them time and advanced care. And with traumatic injuries, time was everything.

And so the Harper Avery Foundation and Grey Sloan Memorial Hospital made the decision to purchase the smaller hospital to continue providing that much needed time to any patient it might benefit.

Alex rolled his eyes, "Oh right, board crap. Glad I don't have to deal with it..."

Jackson watched as the smaller man shifted uncomfortably, taking a huge bite of his burger and avoiding eye contact with everyone else at the table. Even after so many years, it was clear that Karev still remained very acutely aware of how close he really was to potentially being on the board, and all the trauma that had proceeded it. Arizona Robbins had taken his seat on the fateful flight after all. And everyone could tell the man still felt guilty about it.

"It's a good business opportunity for the foundation," Jackson reasoned, pulling the subject back to the topic of acquiring Bellevue Acute Trauma and asking April to be chief of surgery. "We were going to do it anyway, and if April says yes, then at least we'll have someone we know and trust working over there and not putting us on the hook for screw ups like they've had over there in the past. She would do a good job. It's not really all that personal."

Well, it kind of was, and the only person present who Jackson knew could honestly suspect as much was Alex Karev. And he could tell by the look on his friend's face and the way he took a huge bite of his burger, that Alex didn't buy the whole 'not personal' thing for one minute.

In fact moments later, when Jackson stood up with his food tray and tried to make a clean getaway, Karev followed him the whole time, from the trash to the tray return and all the way out into the hallway.

Finally Alex crossed his arms and blocked Jackson's path, "Not personal, my ass."

"Hey man, I've got a meeting at 2..." Jackson's eyes darted around the empty hallway nervously.

"You can spare two freaking minutes, dude," the shorter man tilted his head to one side."What gives?"

Jackson shrugged, "It doesn't matter."

"Oh, I think it does," Alex retorted. "This is about you and April."

"Her mother in law is sick. They are moving here anyway..."

Alex's brow furrowed in suspicion, "People just don't randomly buy other people hospitals. Even if they are moving to town. Normal people don't anyway. And Kepner...I don't know exactly what you doing with her, but this isn't just some freaking coincidence!"

"Shush!" Jackson hissed, trying not to draw attention, Keeping his voice low, he had to concede, "Okay, no it's not. I just-I just want her here. Close by, you know?"

Jackson couldn't really describe it. He just knew that there was a part of him that was elated that the turn of events over the past month and a half would result in April living literally a short drive away. He didn't think he could stand going back to having her live across the country. And while April had flat out refused to even consider the notion of coming back to work at Grey Sloan, Jackson felt the drive to do whatever he could to keep her close by.

Alex seemed to sense the inner most direction of Jackson's thoughts and he scowled, "She's married, Avery. You can't go there. No matter how much you want to."

It was hard for Jackson to believe that Alex Karev of all people would be speaking what seemed like logic in all of this. Then again, he knew that he didn't really want to face logic when it came to April. He could see that she was unhappy. He was too. And he felt like that alone would somehow be enough to convince her to give them a second chance to do things right together. Without all the mistakes.

If April was in Bellevue, Jackson felt like he could make that happen.

And even if his half brained hope that he could somehow lure April away from her husband and her obviously rocky marriage was so clearly doomed to fail, Jackson would at least get to see and work with her if she took the job at Bellevue Acute Trauma.

"I'm just trying to help out someone I care about..."

Jackson realized that he wanted to say someone he loved. Because he'd always thought that he'd never  _been_  in love before, and that maybe he would never  _be_  in love. He thought it didn't exist. He thought he didn't deserve it. He thought it was hurt him. So Jackson never said it back to April when she told him that she loved him.

Only the whole time he really had been in love with her without even realizing. All along. Jackson was  _still_  in love with April Kepner. Even if her last name was Taylor now. He was in love with her and there was no one else he could see himself ever being in love with.

_Leaving a worn out Lexie snoring in his bed, Jackson stumbled down the stairs of Meredith's house, heading straight to the kitchen in search of a snack. Normally, sex left him sleepy, but tonight he was feeling wide awake and starving. Opening the cupboards and the refrigerator, he felt a bit disappointed. The so called frat house was drastically low on groceries._

_April usually ensured that the kitchen was well stocked, since quite often, she was the only one who actually used the room for it's intended purpose. But lately she had been spending time out after work out, apparently on quasi dates with Dr. Stark of all people. At least that's what Alex had told him. April insisted that it was just friendly hanging out. _Either way, the grocery supply was low.__

_Jackson pulled a carton of milk out of the fridge and made a face._

_Friendly. Sure...He didn't pretend to know much about April's relationship with the universally hated pediatric head. He knew that friendships didn't come as easily to her as they did to him, and that he could definitely say that he fit in better and had more of a network at Seattle Grace since the merger. But he knew that for April, he was still probably her only good friend. She was his best friend and he was hers._

_And it wasn't like Jackson didn't want April to have other friends. It was just that he was positive that Stark's motivation in spending time with April was anything but friendly. And that was not okay with Jackson. For all he might tease her, he knew that April was too special for Stark._

_Suddenly remembering that there was popcorn, popped and available in the house, Jackson grabbed a can of beer and made his way out into the living room, where he could see the flicker of a black and white movie still playing on the television set. He and Lexie had been getting hot and heavy in the living room when April had not so subtly kicked them out in order to watch an old ass movie._

_Jackson entered the living room to find the movie still playing, but to an unconscious audience. April was slumped on the couch arm rest, eyes closed, popcorn bowl still balancing in her lap as she snored softly. He smirked and shook his head._

_Gently sliding the bowl of popcorn from April's lap, Jackson used the afghan on the back of the couch to cover up his friend. She shifted slightly, but didn't stir, so Jackson plopped himself down next to her on the couch, using one hand to garner himself a mouthful of pop corn. He stared at the two figures in black and white on the tv screen and wrinkled his nose. He reached across April to grab the remote to switch the channel to ESPN._

_That roused April. Slightly. Her eyes half opened._

_"Hey..." she murmured. "'Don't. 'M watchin that."_

_A smile spread across Jackson's lips, "You're sleeping."_

_"Mhmm," the drowsy April agreed. "But I can still hear it."_

_"Well, I am more awake than you, so I am going to go ahead and make the channel decisions."_

_"It's a classic! I..." April shook her head, and her face crumbled slightly. "I could be watching this with someone. I was supposed to be watching this with Robert...who actually likes me...only I don't like him back. Why doesn't it ever line up? People I like don't like me, and the people that like me...I don't see them that way. I'm always alone."_

_Jackson wrinkled his nose, "You can do way better than Stark!" He reached out and took her hand, "And you're not alone. You've got me. Mercy West is the best, right?"_

_Squeezing his hand, April sighed, "It's not the same. You have Lexie. Meredith has Dr. Shepherd. Cristina has Dr. Hunt. Alex has...whoever and I...I just...I am just alone. The person no one wants. Well, except for Robert and what if he's all I am ever going to get?"_

_Jackson wrapped his arms around April and pulled her close, letting her rest his head against his shoulder, "Trust me, you are going to end up with someone much better than a dirty old man, April."_

_April cracked open an eye, "He's not-"_

_"He kind of is," Jackson shook his head. "You're not going to end up with some old cranky guy like Stark. You're too special for him."_

_"You think so?" she asked, looking up at him uncertainly. She was always so down on herself and Jackson never understood why._

_April was totally too special for Stark, even if she didn't think her love life was great. His mom always said (when she was unsubtely hinting things about his love life) that some women in life were low hanging fruit and others were higher in the tree. The low hangers were good. Tasty, fun, and easy to reach. They got picked a lot._ _But the higher fruit, you had to work for, and it was a whole other level of ripe. The high fruit women were keepers. Or something like that. He usually tuned out his mother's ramblings. Especially when they were about women and romance._

_But this lecture stuck with him. April was not low hanging fruit. And her time would come. Some guy (not Stark or Karev or some other jackass Jackson wanted to beat up) would see her for the beautiful person that she was and sweep her off her feet. She deserved that._

_He rested his chin on top of her head, "I know so."_

Even back then, without even realizing it, Jackson loved April.

And yet, Jackson still couldn't say it. He didn't know if it even mattered now. He didn't know what to say. Maybe buying hospitals really was the only way Avery's knew how to express love.

"Last time I checked, you said she was royally pissed at you," Alex said. "I doubt she'll want your help."

"I'll do whatever I can to be with her. April needs a job when she gets here. So yeah, you know, if a hospital is what gets her in my life again, I'll do it. However she'll let me in. At this point I'd do anything."

Alex raised an eyebrow, "Anything?"

Jackson answered without hesitation, "Yes."

"Even just be her friend? Because she is still married and so all you can do is be her friend. Can you even do that?"

Thinking back their near kiss and fiery exchange the day Lynn Taylor was admitted to Grey Sloan, Jackson wasn't sure that was even possible.

But he couldn't admit that to Karev, so he replied hollowly, "I don't know. If it's all that April wants, then fine. I am willing to do whatever April needs me to do. And that doesn't limit me to just being her friend."

Jackson immediately regretted letting that last part of his statement slip because of the look on Karev's face when he processed the words. It was like a light bulb had gone in Alex's mind and it was clear he was shocked.

"Dude! When you say anything...you really mean  _anything_? Like...extra marital whatever? I didn't think you had it in you."

"I...I guess," Jackson hissed as his friend's eyes grew wide. "I'll do what April wants me to do."

"Like you'd do a freaking threesome?"

He groaned. He  _so_  did not want to be talking about this with Alex Karev. Of all people.

"No."

"But you'd be her dirty mistress," Alex concluded.

"Shut up! She's not happy with Matthew. I know she isn't! So if I can help her get outta that-"

"That's not your business though, dude."

"I care about her, so it is!"

"Maybe so, but you gotta let April and Matthew deal with their own crap. You don't wanna be the reason that train crashes, Avery. You don't want to break up a marriage. You're a better man that. At least, I thought you were..."

_The whole time Lynn Taylor had spent at Grey Sloan Memorial Hospital, Jackson would find himself taking the stairs up to the Neurology floor far more often than he needed to. He knew it wasn't necessary but he felt the pull to be near April, and so he didn't care if it was right._

_It didn't matter that Matthew had told him to back off. Frankly, Jackson didn't give a shit. As much as April had been short with him, and mad at him, and pushed him away whenever he came near, he could still see in her eyes that there was a hesitation. The hesitation that said so much. She felt conflicted because she cared for him. And because she probably didn't trust herself alone around him._

_Jackson knew that if he pushed April enough, well, he was reasonably certain that if he pushed her enough, past all her anger and resentment and fear, he could get her to see the truth of what he felt and the regrets he had._

_So he walked by Lynn Taylor's room. As often as he could. Everyday and usually several times a day._

_Most of the time Matthew was there, not April. Which really wasn't a surprise, since his mother was ill after all. The tall man was never happy to see the plastic surgeon pass by. He was always glaring at Jackson through the slatted blinds that covered Lynn's recovery room window._

_Sometimes April would be there too, with her husband. Sitting next to Matthew as Jackson walked by, trying to catch her eye. Usually she was quick to avert her gaze, but sometimes, if Jackson was lucky she didn't. Eventually, Lynn woke up, and sometimes would be conscious when Jackson walked past the room, and so sometimes it was packed with people. All forms of therapy for stroke victims began in earnest._

_And sometimes, on days when Jackson felt like he'd won the lottery, April was alone when he walked by the room. No Matthew. Lynn was asleep. No stroke therapists. When she was alone in the room, April still tried not to look at him or talk to him, and most of even those times he'd have to just be content to walk by the room._

_But sometimes, on the rarest of moments, once, maybe twice in the whole time Lynn Taylor had been a patient at Grey Sloan, Jackson would walk by to find April alone in the room, and she didn't look away._

_He would smile and sometimes she smiled back._ _Those were the best moments._

_Those were the moments that gave him hope._

Jackson kind of wanted to be the reason the Taylor's marriage failed. Truth be told. Even if that was totally selfish and messed up. He wanted a second chance at a shot with April.

The last thing Jackson wanted or needed was to be judged by was Alex and he was fed up with the conversation. Using his longer legs to side walk past the smaller man, he took a brisk pace down the hallway. "I gotta go."

Three days later, Jackson found himself (along with Dr. Hunt and the rest of the board) sitting across the table from April in the conference room, amid an array of relocation packets and contracts. He had to control his emotions very tightly in the presence of so many other people, but deep inside Jackson felt himself melt at April's reaction to the job offer.

"So what do you think?" Dr. Hunt asked enthusiastically.

April blinked and exhaled in shock. And Jackson couldn't help but stare. So much of the April he'd seen and spoken with recently seemed cold, closed off, and tired. A hardened and faded version of the person he once knew. And the meeting started off with that April in full dose.

"You want  _me_  to be Chief of Surgery?" April gaped at the board and her old mentor suspiciously.

Both Arizona and Callie beamed and nodded, but April's expression remained flat and she seemed unsure.

"Look," she said warily. "I know that the situation with my mother in law probably makes you want to help me or you feel loyal or whatever, but you don't have to do this out of pity..."

Cristina rolled her eyes, "Come on, Kepner. You know I wouldn't sugar coat this to you. You would have been high on our list for the job anyway. Half dead mother in law or not."

Slowly, as it the opportunity fully began to dawn on her, the twinkle returned to her eyes and the corners of her lips lifted in a faint smile. Slowly glimpses of the old excitable passionate April returned.

"Really?"

"Regardless of your situation, you would be an excellent candidate. You are exactly what Bellevue Acute Trauma needs to turn itself around. You just became the first trauma surgeon to win a Harper Avery," Owen said proudly.

"Oh yeah," April murmured, almost as though she'd forgotten. "I did."

Her gaze flicked to Jackson's for a brief moment, and he felt a pang of guilt. He was probably a major reason why she hadn't been able to bask in that honor in the weeks leading up to her mother in law's illness. He'd been so determined to pull her back into her life. And he had the sense that she'd thought just as much about him, which had to be confusing and frustrating and time consuming. And he knew April thought about things. Agonized over them even. A lot. There was no reason for Jackson not to assume that he had filled her head space more than her Harper Avery.

April lifted her hand to the table in front of her and used her fingers to pull the contract closer. Jackson and the board watched as her eyes flicked from side to side as she read the terms that Grey Sloan and Harper Avery were offering. She tilted her head to one side and chewed her bottom lip, just like she always had as a resident.

"Now, you'd serve in a Chief Resident capacity at BAT not unlike Dr. Hunt serves here at Grey Sloan..." Derek explained leaning across the table towards April.

"Oh hmmm," Callie tutted. "BAT? Are we really going with that as the shorthand? Cuz I think it sounds a little creepy-"

"Not now," Arizona hissed through a toothy smile.

A smiled graced Derek lips and he barely held in his laughter as he continued, "So we would serve as your board just like we do here, and the Harper Avery Foundation would be your primary funding source. You'd have final say in most site specific decisions and the same weight in terms of input that Chief Hunt has for Grey Sloan "

"Now organizationally, we have to be honest," Meredith chimed in with sobering facts. "The situation in Bellevue is pretty bad. It's not going to be easy to restructure...it's going to take a lot of leadership and hard work. It wouldn't be easy for you."

"But we have a plan to make up for all of that," Hunt added, as he walked around the table and slid into the chair next to April's. Perplexed, she turned to face him.

"We want to make sure you'd have as much of the best talent possible," Owen continued. "And I have spoken with your chief at Case Western and I know you have created a very rigorous teaching ER over there in Cleveland and I don't want you to feel like you are losing that by coming here. So I want to create an advanced Traumatology fellowship program in partnership with Grey Sloan's residency program. You'd have rotating interns and residents from here whenever you need, extra funding for programs and we'll give you two of our four trauma fellows each year."

"Really?" April asked again, only this time there was a bigger hint of a smile as well as a touch of awe in her voice. The board nodded.

"We'd work together on curriculum of course," Hunt grinned. "If you don't mind working with your old boss..."

"No!" April shook her head and answered rapidly. "I don't mind. I don't mind at all."

It was slowly dawning on her that although the circumstances were convenient, this position was hardly a pity offer. It was tailor made for April by the board, but also a good career move, and the contract was deliberately drawn up to be enticing. Their investment in Bellevue Acute Trauma was risky, and they only way any of the rest of the board members could see things working out was by putting someone they trusted at the helm.

For Jackson, of course the whole thing was a lot more personal. While the Harper Avery Foundation and the board had squabbled over monetary stipulations and contributions, he'd fought for things he knew  _April_  would like in a job. The teaching. The organizing. The challenging trauma cases. He'd gotten her a relocation budget. And a conference budget. Jackson wanted her to see through the structure of the job that he knew  _her_  and cared about her and felt that she was endlessly capable.

"We know you like to teach," he added quietly, hoping April could see through the line.

If  _only_  he could just say it. Jackson half wished he could just stand up right here and right now in this room, the rest of the board be damned, and tell her the truth of how he felt. He wished he could just say that he loved her.

This would have to do instead.

April swallowed hard, "This is quite the offer."

"Yes it is," Arizona nodded. "And we don't want to put any pressure on you to decide in what we know is already a stressful time for your family. Now I don't know what your timeline for moving is like..."

"And we understand completely, if you have something else lined up," Callie added with a frown. "But we really hope you'd consider-"

"Are you kidding?" April interrupted, holding out her hand, "Where's a pen?"

"Well okay," Dr. Hunt said with a chuckle, gesturing for Cristina to hand the red haired surgeon an already uncapped bic.

Meredith chuckled while Derek looked impressed, as April seemed to race through the long contract, scribbling her name at the bottom of each page. Jackson had to hold it together as much as he could. He couldn't help but grin.

April was coming back to Seattle. In fact she would be only minutes away from him. And she'd just chosen to work a job that was absolutely certain to ensure that she would cross paths with Jackson often. She'd just made the choice. Without even really hesitating. Or thinking. Or agonizing. Or even so much as a phone call with her husband to talk about the job.

That gave Jackson as much hope as April's smiles.

* * *

Extricating herself from between the two snoring bodies of her children, April sat up and yawned. Stretching her arms and neck, she wiped sleep from her eyes as she reached out to silence her phone alarm.

It was still dark and for a split second, she was reminded of being roused awake on the farm as a child, (sometimes by her parents, usually by a sister) and sent out to feel the pigs or chickens before breakfast and school. Given what April knew lay ahead in her own day, she would almost be happier with the freaking farm chores. Standing up and making her way through the nondescript hotel room, she quickly showered and readied herself for another long day. She'd spent more time in hotel beds in the past month than she had her own.

She was almost used to it.

April, Jake, and Lindsey were in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho and about to embark on their 5th consecutive day of driving.

Looking in the mirror, April smiled to herself as she thought about the situation ruefully. At least they weren't in Montana anymore. That state had seemed to go on forever, and somehow the incessant, "Are we there yet, Mom?" questions from the kids felt even more suffocating when the answer was not only, "No" but "We're still in Montana." Which of course lead to whining and general misery for all of them, even if they had music, and toys, and audiobooks to occupy their minds.

Not wishing to usher away her last few moments of peace and quiet by waking her children up so early, April quietly loaded their luggage into the car before carrying Lindsey and Jake out as well. Her daughter slept like a rock, and Jake stirred only slightly as she belted them both into their booster seats in the back of the car.

Soon enough, April was checked out and back on the interstate just in time to see the sunrise. It was actually quite beautiful.

She supposed she should have a better outlook on the trip. As unfortunate as the causes of the move were, going from Cleveland to Seattle was a new beginning for all of them. April, Matthew and both the children. They'd lost the status quo of their lives and all four of them were responding in different ways.

Lindsey seemed the happiest and most resilient, apparently excited to move to Grandma Lynn's house, and extremely curious about it all. The move was causing Jake to retreat into an even more soft spoken and shy version of himself, finishing the last few weeks of school as though they were perfectly common place, and not the precursor to summer break or as his last in a school he didn't really like.

Matthew was a bundle of sometimes volatile and sometimes despondent emotions. Half the time he was depressed about his mother, and then the other half of the time he was pissed at April. She hated just how territorial he was whenever Jackson so much as walked by. Granted she suspected Jackson's hovering was motivated by his desire to prove something to her. She was half certain that her new job had a lot more of Jackson's fingerprints on it than he would admit. And April still felt a pull to Jackson, so in a way Matthew's reaction was understandable.

She just kind of hated that Matthew acted like he didn't trust her at all. She was trustworthy, wasn't she? April knew she wasn't a cheater. Sure, the temptation was there, after all she had nearly kissed Jackson. But nearly was the operative word wasn't it? It should have been. Because she'd managed to control herself. Right?

April also kind of hated the fact that she wasn't really sure how she felt about her husband and her old best friend. Matthew's tantrums and Jackson's longing looks were damned confusing.

When April had signed the contract for her new job, she'd felt Jackson's eyes on her the whole time. And...it made her feel good. Really  _really_  good. Powerful. Beautiful. It made her feel like herself again. Her real self. April hadn't felt like that person in years.

_"Chief friggin resident!"_ _April looked up to find a beaming Jackson standing in the doorway of the office clicking a pen. He slipped it into his pocket and continued, "Unbelievable!"_

_Knowing just how heated the competition had been from chief resident among all the 4th years, April could understand that he might be disappointed. Jackson was an Avery after all, and she knew his family placed high expectations on every aspect of his surgical career. Plus, she for one thought he would have made an excellent chief resident. Truth be told, April could hardly believe they'd picked her of all people._

_She wrinkled her face apologetically, "I'm sorry."_

_The smile didn't leave Jackson's lips as he sat down next to her. "Don't be! You deserve it," he said genuinely. He began to type on the computer and glanced out the small office window. "I'm happy. I have what I want."_

_April sighed in disbelief, "It's been such a crappy year."_

_It really had been. the hardest year of her life. And almost the last. April had faced her own mortality, staring down the barrel of a gun and living to tell the tale. She'd been rejected and accepted. She'd lost the best friend she'd ever had in Reed, yet gained another in Jackson. She'd dropped one specialty and gained life's passion in trauma. She went from being a nobody to someone with a place at at Seattle Grace. Everything had changed._

_"I can't believe we're both happy," she added, rambling on as she thought about the totality of the past year. "_ _I can't believe they like me enough to make me chief resident. They hated me for so long..._ _I can't believe I actually have friends here."_

_Friends had always been hard for April. Her sisters had always been a bit of a click. Especially Libby and Kimmie. They liked the same things. They were pretty and April liked science and had braced. They could be unrelenting and April was sensitive. They had been popular in school while April was an outcast. They'd had boyfriends and she had her books._

_Always she was alone._

_Until now, of course. She still didn't have that many people, but for the first time April felt like she could say she had a few. Jackson of course. And Meredith was in her corner to a certain extent, even if she was a bit distant. And the other residents were nice to her. And most of the attendings too. Hunt even wanted to teach her and to help her do well. He even had enough confidence in her to pick her for the important chief resident job._

_She had the people of Seattle Grace. They were better than nothing._

_"Well," Jackson countered, with some amusement. "They are going to hate you again. It's not your job to boss them around. You know how much they love that."_

_"Oh my god is that true?" April's eyes widened in shock as she finally let herself think through all the ramifications that her new position among the residents would bring. Jackson nodded._

_She still wasn't even used to the idea of being chief resident. Now she had to think all about what that job would entail. She'd be the one determining rotation schedules and procedure opportunities. April was going to be in charge of the whole OR board. There were so many variables in those decisions and there was absolutely no way that April could make everyone happy with her choices._

_They would hate her! Yang and Karev and Grey and everyone. Oh God._

_"That's true!" Horror contorted April's features and her short lived thrill began to vanish._

_Jackson laughed and faced her with his head tilted to one side, "You'll be fine."_

_He was looking at her. Really and truly looking at her, and April wasn't sure where his confidence in her abilities came from. She wasn't exactly a stellar doctor, though she tried her best. She wasn't always the greatest friend to him. She wasn't always enough._

_But maybe he could really see her. Maybe Jackson saw April's truth better than she knew it herself. It was probably why they'd ended up becoming such great friends after the shooting. _He always told her that she was her own worst critic._ She'd never thought she had a chance to be Jackson's anything. Not a girl like her and a guy like him. So she was happy to have his friendship._

_"You think so?" April asked uncertainly._

_Blinking slowly Jackson smiled, "I know so."_

Jackson made April feel like she was enough. And her husband never really made her feel that way. Which was scary.

April supposed that, even with all the issues between her and Jackson and Matthew, she couldn't deny how excited she was to begin working at Bellevue Acute Trauma. And so what if the position reeked of a sort of networked nepotism and rule breaking that she'd found to be intensely unfair early in her life? The location and duties were perfect for her. Never in a million years did April ever imagine that she would be chief of surgery anywhere. It seemed that where her personal life had gone to crap, professionally things were awesome.

But Matthew was pissed. Surprise, surprise.

April didn't actually think she'd ever really gone on a trip or spent very much time with her children alone, as a trio rather than a quartet, without Matthew. She realized just how much she'd missed them in the weeks spent apart following Lynn's stroke, and even though it was frustrating that Matthew had decided not to join them, leaving the entire move in April's hands, the experience was eye opening.

They'd stopped at some sights along the way. Mt. Rushmore, museums, and historic landmarks. April had learned of her son's uncanny ability to impersonate presidents poses and expressions, and that Lindsey's 5th favorite wild animal (behind ponies, dolphins, butterflies, frogs, and lions) was the american buffalo.

Drumming her fingers on the steering wheel, April sighed. On this trip she'd also learned that she could certainly manage fine on her own. And it was turning out not to be so bad.

Increasingly, April felt like she was alone. She'd had to hire the moving company and find schools for the kids, near Matthew's childhood home, which would soon be the whole family's. She had to do everything. April understood that ensuring that Lynn was cared for took up a lot of Matthew's time, but she could also see that his distance was caused by something else.

They were fighting far more than they ever had, and it all came back to one thing. Jackson.

_"You're seriously taking this job?" _Matthew leaned against the doorway of their Seattle hotel room, glaring at April as he asked the same question for what seemed like the hundredth time. She wondered exactly how long it would take to get through his this head.__

_"Yes!" April snapped, flopping to a seat on the bed and brushing her hair from her face. "I already signed the contract. It's my job."_

_Matthew shook his head and held his hands in the air, "You didn't even talk to me! You didn't even think to talk to me! I had no idea this job was even on the table!"_

_"Well, it came up unexpectedly."_

_He laughed humorlessly,"You mean Avery decided he wants to make my life even more miserable. The bastard!"_

_April crossed her arms, "We were already moving here anyway. I didn't get mad at you for taking a job your old friend lined up for you!"_

_Matthew had secured a position with Bestcare Paramedic Services almost as soon as it became clear that they needed to move, in large part due to the fact that the head of the Seattle area unit was his old partner Nicole Benton. And April certainly hadn't given Matthew a hard time over it. They would both need employment once they moved after all._

_"I talked to you about it first before I signed any damned paperwork!" her husband snarled. "And my old friend and I are just that! Old friends. I know Nicole doesn't have ulterior motives. She's been married longer than we have. Jackson is the reason you have this job and he just wants to keep you under his finger."_

_April's nostrils flared, "Oh, so you don't think I am qualified to get a chief of surgery position on my own? It's all Jackson's doing? I won a freaking Harper Avery!"_

_"I know, but-"_

_Matthew seemed to be cooling off a little bit, and he moved to try to sit beside April on the bed. She wouldn't have it. She scooted away from her husband and turned to face him from the far side of the bed, whispering viciously._

_"Did it ever occur to you that this position is actually perfect for me? Trauma, teaching and admin. Can you maybe see that I might want it? Do you even care?"_

_"I never said that I didn't," Matthew replied, shoulders sagging as his anger turned to depression. He reached out and rested his hand against hers. "It's...it's so hard right now. With my mom...and you...I-I just wish you'd thought to talk to me first. I don't know why you didn't."_

_April didn't know either. In retrospect, she knew she should have. He'd been in the same freaking building the whole time. She should have stepped out of that conference room and gone to Lynn's room to talk to Matthew about the offer. That's what good partners did, right? Though, she'd never really entertained much hope of being a great partner anyway. Right from the beginning._

_Her marriage to Matthew had always been about April, her fears, her needs, and her loneliness. Maybe Matthew finally needed more. April just didn't know if she was capable of giving it to him._

_She wasn't even sure if she wanted to._

By 8 o'clock, April was driving past the state line into Washington, and her children were finally starting to wake up. Jake opened his eyes first.

"Mommy, are we driving?" Jake mumbled.

"Good morning, sweetie!" April replied cheerily. "Yes we are. Guess what? We're going to get to Seattle today!"

"Oh," the boy replied, unenthusiastic, as he played with the elastic on his pajama's and watched the scenery on the side of the road.

April sighed. Her poor sweet son seemed melancholy. He missed his father, she knew, and he'd taken the whole stroke thing very much to heart. She honestly didn't know how to help him.

Lindsey twisted in her seat letting out a particularly loud snore, and April shared a giggle with her son.

A part of her was worried that he had somehow picked up on everything going on between her and Matthew. Though it seemed impossible that he would have, since he'd been staying with her sister through their fighting. He couldn't know anything.

Could he?

"Look!" Jake suddenly shouted, pointing to a prominent billboard along the side of the road. "We should call! Maybe He can fix Grandma!"

Confused April glanced into the sign he was looking at. Oh great.

In big bold letters the sign asked:

"If you died right now, where would you go? Heaven or hell?  
Confused? He has the answers.  
Call 1-800-JesusChrist or visit God-dot-com."

Like you could just call him up and get all your answers. April scoffed. If it were that easy, she'd have gotten her life figured out years ago. She'd spent a lifetime confused.

"Oh Jakey, it's that's not really how it works," April explained. "It's just a way of getting people to join a particular church. The best way to talk to God is still by praying."

Jake's face fell, and he hung his head. He never looked more like his father than when he was sad. "I tried that...but you said Grandma still isn't better."

"She'll need a lot of time, honey. And even-"

"And even then she'll still probably be sick," Jake parroted, having heard April's explanation of stroke recovery many times before. "I know, I know. Doesn't seem like God can fix nothing."

She smiled sadly, "I'm sorry."

Jake crossed his arms and looked out the window once again as they continued the drive in silence. Within the half hour Lindsey's head popped up with a snort and yawn.

"I hungry! Where are we? How long until we see Daddy?" she woke with a string of questions and didn't generally stop for the rest of the day.

Her talking made up for her brother's silence. Jake only lethargically joined in with his mother and Lindsey's chatter, which did little to quite April's worries. After about a half hour, April pulled off at a McDonald's and the three of them indulged in a breakfast of egg mcmuffins. As they sat in the small restaurant booth, her daughter dived into the fast food treat eagerly, whereas Jake only poked at her food. April didn't really know what to do aside from keeping the conversation as normal and cheerful as she could.

Chewing happily with her mouth open, Lindsey proclaimed, "I like Washington!"

"Oh yeah?" April chuckled. "You've been here all of 3 hours. And you weren't even awake for most of them!"

"I still like it!"

"Why?"

Lindsey, as usual, had an answer of her own all thought out. She counted down on her messy fingers, "You let us eat McDonald's here! In our jammies! And it's pwetty, and we're gonna see Daddy today and I miss him a lot!"

"I like that it is pretty here too," April agreed, taking a long swig of her coffee and eyeing her quiet 7 year old. Jake didn't even seem to be paying all that much attention to them as he gazed out the McDonald's window.

She tried to draw him out, "And I know your Daddy misses both of you very much. He can't wait to see you."

"And you too, Mommy!" Lindsey giggled. "Don't forget you!"

Jake's eyes flicked to April's for a moment, making her feel briefly exposed. Would Matthew be happy to see her? Not the way things had been between them lately. And honestly? It mattered far less to her than it probably should whether he was happy or not.

The rest of the drive was surprisingly pleasant, even though Jake continued to be quiet and withdrawn. By noon they were pulling into the driveway of Matthew's childhood home in Bellevue and, April supposed, into the beginning of a new life. She helped the children out of the car and stared up at the brown and green house. There were stairs that led up to a porch and front door, along with backyard, and a yard with garden full of half pruned flowers.

The place was on the surface idyllic, but it left April uneasy. Lynn had collapsed while caring for those flowers and more than any other place she'd ever lived in her marriage, the place screamed Matthew. April didn't feel like she belonged.

She waved awkwardly as her husband burst out of the front door, running to his children and hugging them tightly. Matthew lifted Lindsey to his hip and spun her in a circle. He ruffled Jake's hair and turned to give April a kiss as the children ran off to explore their new yard. She turned her head so that her cheek was the only place his lips could find.

"I'm sorry," Matthew said sincerely. "About before. I really am. I should be proud of you on getting a job this good. It's about the only good thing to come in all of this. I was mad that you didn't talk to me first."

April pursed her lips and tried to smile, "It's okay...I know your mom being sick isn't easy doesn't help things either. I-I should be more understanding."

"Don't worry about it," he replied shaking his head. "We'll both do better. We can do this. We can get through this."

April couldn't say he shared his confidence, but she laced her fingers through his anyway. They were married. Even if they had problems, they had to try. What other option did they have?

_Jake and Lindsey laughed as they ran along ahead of April pointing to the massive smooth stone sculptures carved into the wild South Dakota mountainside. She skipped up to join them, and took hold of their smaller hands, recounting details of the monuments construction that she remembered from watching some documentary years ago._ _Still holding hands the three of them walked back to the car, April marveled at how relaxed she felt, given all that was happening in her life._

_But away from Matthew and Jackson all the consuming, frustrating, guilt inducing thoughts seemed to fly away. April didn't feel like a bad person when it was just her and the kids. She didn't worry about the dangerous memories from her past and her uncertain fears for future. All she had to do was think about taking care of her kids and keeping them happy._

_And April realized could do that. All by herself._

_She might actually even be good at it. And, scariest thought of all, April was afraid she might even be better at talking care of her children alone than she was with her husband._

After helping April unload the suitcases from the car, Matthew took Lindsey into the house to show her the newly decorated bedroom she would soon call her own, but Jake didn't follow. He sat down on the front steps, staring out into the street with his chin resting on his arms. The concern that had lingered for the boy in April's mind all day came to a head and she lowered herself next to Jake's small form, wrapping her thin shoulders.

The touch seemed to push her son over the edge and he leaned to her chest and began to sob, without saying a word.

"What's wrong, honey?" she asked softly. "I know moving is hard. But it will get better. You'll see. Soon this will feel like home."

For both of us, April added silently. The words of comfort didn't seem to do much for the little boy. Jake shook his head and buried his face into her shoulder even more.

"What is it? You can tell me. I'll always help you."

Sniffling, he wiped his eyes and took short shaky breaths, "I'm scared, Mommy. I know we have to come here cuz a Grandma...but I am afraid of-"

He paused, biting his lip. "I know I should be thinking of Grandma, and I am but...I'm afraid I won't have any friends."

Sighing, April brushed the long bangs out of her son's eyes. Somewhere in the chaos of the past few weeks, Jake's haircut had been forgotten. Somewhere in the chaos of the past few weeks, April realized that a lot of thinsg related to her children had taken the back burner. She was determined to change that. Just because she was confused about her old best friend and frustrated with her husband didn't mean her children's problems mattered less.

"Honey, everyone worries about that. It'll be okay..."

"Kids don't like me," Jake confided, looking up at his mother despondently. "At my old school. I tried playing tag with them. I tried eating lunch with them. I tried playing robbers with them. I don't even like playing that game! I tried and tried but nothing I did changed their minds. What if I can't make anyone like me here either?"

April ran soothing circles on Jake's back. He looked like Matthew, but there were parts of herself in her son that April didn't delight in having passed on.

"I know how that can be," she replied carefully. "When I was your age I...to be honest, people didn't like me either."

"What did you do?"

"I used to think people would like me if I just did this one thing or that other thing perfectly. If I just didn't make any mistakes, I could change their minds. But you know, Jake? You do all that stuff long enough and you won't even like yourself anymore because you will be a stranger. It's better to be yourself and be by yourself than it is to try and be someone else."

"Really?"

April nodded, realizing that while she didn't always take her own advice, it wasn't completely useless. "Sometimes you might only end up with a few good friends. But one good friend that likes you for the way you are inside, is better than ten friends who only like the person you are pretending to be."

Jake sighed and wipe another tear from his eye before asking innocently, "Like Doctor Jackson?"

Her eyes widened, "What makes you say that?"

"I don't know," her son shrugged. "You said he was your friend from a really really long time ago. You don't act all...well, work Mommyish when he's there. You went on the carousel when we were in Boston! He made you smile. And he's taking care of Grandma at his hospital. He must be a very good friend. One of those ones who knows your insides. Like you said."

Too perceptive for his own good, this kid.

April swallowed hard, "Yeah...um...Jackson is a really good friend. The kind who knows my insides. Don't tell your Dad I said that."

She hated to ask her child to keep secrets, but Matthew was already suspicious enough about Jackson. In fact he'd specifically asked her to keep the kids out of it. April didn't think he'd react well to the fact that his son had almost as much insight into the whole situation as the three adults involved. Maybe even more. It was best if this conversation was kept between mother and son. The mess of her marriage and Jackson was complicated enough without an added layer.

April knew that, unlike her chatty daughter, Jake would keep his word. Sure enough, he nodded, "Okay. Why?"

"Uh...he already knows," she fumbled. "About Jackson, he already knows. And he's worried about Grandma. Let me worry about you."

"I want a good friend, Mommy."

Honestly? It had taken April over twenty years to make headway on that front. Before Jackson there had been Reed. And before Reed? Not a whole lot. She didn't want to give her son false hope. But she was his mother, and she supposed part of her job was to buoy him up. To believe in him when no one else did. Sometimes that's all someone needed to boost their confidence.

"You'll get one, Jakey."

"You think so?" the boy asked uncertainly.

April didn't hesitate, "I know so."


	9. Chapter 9

Jackson knew he shouldn't be there. He  _knew_  he was pushing his luck. Honestly, he shouldn't have come.

Kind of pathetic really. He was like a moth to flame.

It was lunch time on April's first day at Bellevue Acute Trauma, and here Jackson was, walking through the front doors with nothing more than an irresistible urge and a bowl of fruit salad as a peace offering.

He just couldn't resist. April was here now, right now, in Seattle. He'd already gotten used to seeing her. She was right here and he wanted, maybe even  _needed,_  to see her.

And BAT was small enough that it wasn't like Jackson could just roll on in unobtrusively. They were still working on reorganizing and hiring the doctors they needed to properly function now that April was in charge. The place wasn't even open for emergencies yet. His arrival definitely did not go unnoticed. As soon as he walked through the sleek silver automatic doors, the intake nurses at the front desk looked up from their computers with wide eyes.

Everyone remaining on BAT's staff roster knew he was the chairman of the board of Grey Sloan Memorial. They also knew that as the grandson of Harper Avery as well, and as such held the keys to the kingdom as far as money was concerned. It was no secret that BAT had been saved as an institution because of Jackson and the board members at Grey Sloan Memorial. The two nurses both gaped at Jackson in shock. And possibly a little fear.

Jackson grinned and tried tried to put them at ease, "Hello! Is Ap- Is Chief..."

He paused. He fumbled. He wasn't actually sure what name April chose to go by at BAT. In Ohio she was officially Dr. April K. Taylor. But Jackson wasn't exactly sure he could bring himself to say Chief Taylor.

"Is the chief around?"

The male nurse closest to Jackson was the first to pull out of the shock, "Uh, she's in a meeting."

"Oh," Jackson nodded. He could have guessed as much. Truth be told, he had rescheduled a meeting of his own to come here in the first place. He bit his lip, "I can wait..."

The female nurse, nodded rapidly, "Yes sir. She should be done soon. I can take you to her office?"

"That's fine," he answered, hoping that a warm smile would but the young woman at ease as he followed her down a brightly lit hallway and up an elevator. It didn't seem to matter much, since the nurse remained silent and skittish around Jackson, only smiling meekly as she let him into April's office. She left abruptly too.

So much for that.

Jackson stood uncomfortably in the still mostly unpacked office. Next to the door was a small leather couch. There were a few boxes stacked next to a slightly beat up looking desk. Light shone through a large window on the far side of the room, almost spotlighting April's desk and everything on it.

Jackson tilted his head to one side and slowly made his way behind the desk, examining the few items that April had placed on the surface. Mostly it seemed to be paperwork and office supplies. He smiled as he gently ran his fingers along the edges of a green highlighter, fresh pack of post it notes, and a small blue notebook. On the desk he also found a metal water bottle, a slightly dented computer tablet in a pink case, and, laying face down in a stack, three picture frames.

Settling down in the plush chair behind the desk, Jackson paused as he reached out to examine the photos. He didn't know if it was a step too far to look at them. These were the 3 images April chose to bring with her on her very first day of work. Sure, more would probably filter in later. But these three represented what April cared about the most, enough to make a point of bringing them right away.

Reason enough to make Jackson hesitate.

Was looking at them too intimate? Which, when he really stopped and thought about it was pretty ridiculous. He was at April's job, uninvited, in her office, sitting at her desk.

Jackson was already neck deep in 'too far'. He knew that deep down he wanted things to be far more intimate between himself and April than was strictly moral and honestly he didn't even care. He was finally waking up to the reality of his life and the time he'd spent without her.

It was lonely. Soul crushing. And it wasn't something he wanted to return to.

So Jackson reached out his hand and set up the first picture. It was a large one. A big group shot of a ton of people surrounding a small gray haired couple in front of a barn. He saw Joe and Karen Kepner and April's sisters. The tiny blonde infant in Joe's lap was instantly recognizable to Jackson as Lindsey Taylor. Scanning the rest of the image, Jackson could identify April's brothers in law, and assumed that the various children in the photo were her nieces and nephews. In the back he spotted Matthew, grinning proudly, with his arm around April as she held Jake. Mother and son squinted against what seemed to be bright sunlight and seemed less enthusiastic about the picture than the rest of the family.

Setting that frame down, Jackson moved to the next. This one was far more recent. Probably from the move to Seattle in fact. It was just of April and the kids at what looked to be one of those gimicky roadside stops that small towns resorted to maintaining in order to draw tourism. April, Jake, and Lindsey stood behind a painted image of Mt. Rushmore with their heads replacing 3 of the four presidents. Poor Teddy Roosevelt ended up filled in by Lindsey's small waving hand.

Jake stood in for George Washington and of the three of them seemed to be the only one even attempting to look anything like the stoic president. But the twinkle in his eye, and the dimples setting in on his cheeks made it very clear to Jackson that very soon after this moment in time the boy burst out laughing. Lindsey's Jefferson and April's Lincoln were even more down the road to laughter, as both of the ladies appeared to be giggling.

Jackson swallowed hard, setting down the picture frame abruptly. There was still a part of him that felt he shouldn't be here. He shouldn't be doing  _this._ Meaning more than simply invading the space of April's office and work.  _This_  meaning invading the space of April's life. A part of Jackson felt guilty because he knew what drove his motivations for spending time with April, and how he wanted things to go between them.

But that desire, which essentially boiled down to wishing April would leave Matthew and return to him, ignored the fact that he and April were not the only people involved. Matthew and April had kids. Two happy, currently not messed up kids. Jackson knew first hand just how messed up a parental split could leave a child.

When it came to trying to get what he wanted, it was easier for Jackson not to think about Jake and Lindsey Taylor.

Sniffing and clearing his throat, Jackson found himself reaching for the third frame. The photo it housed was a surprise. It took Jackson back almost 15 years.

_"Avery!" Percy booming voice was too loud for the small apartment, despite the loud music coming from inside. The tall man held his arms out wide and greeted Jackson with bleary eyes, as he ushered him in. "You made it!"_

_Jackson chucked as his friend enveloped him into a tight hug, "I'm here."_

_"We made it, man!" Charles continued as he pulled Jackson further back into the party. "We kicked ass! We made that intern exam our bitch!"_

_"You are wasted."_

_In the year that Jackson had known Charles Percy, he couldn't recall ever seeing the man this drunk. Then again, this was a very special occasion. Earlier that evening the whole Mercy West intern class had found out the results of their first year intern exam. Those who passed moved on the the bigger and more surgery filled world of second year. Most directly, they had moved on from the break room to this party. Those that didn't pass had to retake their first year of residency. Scanning the room, Jackson didn't see the faces of any of the few in their class who he knew had failed._

_Sucked to be them._

_"Guilty as charggged."_

_Percy's grin was lopsided, and his nod seemed to put too much of a strain on his tenuous balance. Jackson reached out to try to prop up his stumbling friend, but the angle was wrong and Charles, bless his drunk ass, went down. Right there in the kitchen next to the drink table._ _Suddenly Adamson and Kepner appeared out of the crowd of their celebrating intern class._

_"Oh my god, is he alright?" April asked earnestly kneeling down by surgeon's side and touching his shoulder. Percy only laughed and pulled away from her fussing._

_Jackson knelt too, slinging Charles's arm over his shoulder and trying to heft the larger up back up on his feet. Dude was big. Hard to move, even for Jackson. Especially since Charles also seemed to be incapable of helping at all. Kepner seemed to notice his struggle, and put Percy's other arm over her own shoulder. Not that it really helped, since Charles seemed like he was trying to lay down on the floor. But Jackson had to smile at the way Kenper put her effort in. All red in the face and tongue stuck out in in determined concentration. It struck him how unexpectedly cute the expression was. April of all people._

_And her gesture was nice, even though the physics of it were wrong. Charles was almost too big and heavy for his own good._

__"He thought he was going to fail his exam, so he pregamed before we got the results. He was hammered before he even got here,"_ Reed rolled her eyes, and leaned down to try and help too, grabbing Charles around the waist._

_That made Percy suddenly take an interest in his surroundings and gazed up at her adoringly, "You're almost touching my butt."_

_His comments did little to faze the slight woman."You fell on the floor of Coleen Flannery's apartment and you can't get up. Your ass is not what I'm concerned with right at this very moment. You're making our intern group look bad, Charlie. No one else is this drunk yet."_

_"No, I'm not! We should be fucking proud," Charles said, shifting himself so that he headed back down to the floor. "Tonight is about freaking celebrating and moving on to second years, and you know? And we all did it, you know, and Dr. Kent should be fucking proud because you know, some people didn't pass this shit and our whole group did and we should celebrate all we want!"_

_"We will," April agreed, as a slight smile rested on her lips. "We just want you to stand up and have a little water first..."_

_"Yeah," Jackson agreed slyly and he, Kepner and Adamson all worked to move Charles to his feet._

_Charles turned to look at Jackson dreamily, "I love you guys! You know? I know it's all competitive and whatever and I'll kick your asses inside the hospital and with work and stuff but I love you._ _Avery, you are such a cool dude...you don't talk much, but you know, you could kick my ass at basketball every day but sometimes you let me win! And that's like a little condescending but it also makes me feel like I-"_

_"Great. We love you too. Now, come on," Jackson groaned bracing his feet on the floor and pulling upward, with just enough force to get Percy to a squatting position._

_"And Kepner!" Charles turned to April, who winced at the smell of alcohol on his breath. "You are like this little quiet con-consciouss-nesss thing. All annoying and goody but, you keep us straight and honest and so it's okay when you're annoying. Most the time."_

_The look on April's face made Jackson laugh,"Thanks?"_

_They almost had Charles on his feet as the man began looking around frantically, "Reed? Where's Reed?"_

_"Down here," she replied shoving his back upwards. "Now, stand up for crying out loud."_

_"I love you," Charles mumbled._

_Smiling faintly, Reed rolled her eyes, "Sure you do."_

_"You three are the best-"_

_And then Charles lost his footing again, once more slipping to the floor like a dead weight. Only this time taking Jackson, April, and Reed down with him. They landed in a pile with a thud. Jackson couldn't help but laugh. Charles was now all sprawled out on the three of them, with his head in April's lap, his torso squashing Reed, and feet and legs on Jackson._

_"You should try this, Avery," Percy slurred, staring up at Kepner with a goofy smile. "Very comforty."_

_She giggled._ _Reed scowled and shoved futilely at the large man's form. Jackson shook his head._

_This was ridiculous. If Percy wanted to stay on the ground, let him stay there. They weren't going to be able to move him._

_"Let's just stay down here," he suggested reaching his arm up to the beverage table and blinding reaching for beers and passing them on down the line, until he, April, and Reed all had a can._

The four of them had stayed down there for the rest of the party. On the floor, next to the drinks table. At some point later on in the night one of the other interns had snapped a picture of the four of them. By that time Jackson, April, and Reed had indulged in enough beer that they too were a little drunk. He recognized his own wasted look, Reed only ever busted out so called 'gansta' signs when she was drunk as a skunk, and April's flushed cheeks and happily unfocused gaze meant that scotch had been available at some point during that evening. Charles, of course, still laying across all this friends was the king of drunk.

It had been years since Jackson had seen this picture. He grinned. There were too few pictures of all four of them. All four of them, alive and whole and happy.

It was nice to think back to those times, without the pain of remembering what came after.

Jackson knew exactly what had happened to his two friends. Reed had been shot in the head at point blank range. Dead before she hit the floor. Charles's shot in the stomach would have been treatable, indeed probably even survivable, if not for the fact that Gary Clark rampage put the hospital on lock down and went on longer than anyone could ever have imagined. He'd bled out near the 3rd floor elevators after being dragged through the whole department. Too big for his own damned good. Dead after a lot of agony.

_Jackson sat numbly in his car, still not yet able to muster up the courage to get out. Ten years. It had been ten years since two of his closest friends had been shot in cold blood at the very hospital where he still did a lot of work. A place that he got to leave everyday at the end of his shift. Reed and Charles had gone to work one day a decade ago and missed out on that luxury._

_He didn't visit their graves often. He knew he should, but he didn't because, well, it was really hard. Sometimes it would hit Jackson square in the chest. He'd see a hair cut on a person from behind and it would remind him of Reed or he'd hear about one of Charles's favorite teams winning a championship and the magnitude of the loss just took his breath away. So Jackson tried not to think. He tried not to remember._

_Jackson tried not to feel._

_But ten years, that was a long time. It meant something. Jackson knew he should pay his respects. Now, if only he could get out of the damn car. Lifting his head up from it's resting place on the steering wheel, he was surprised to see a figure in the distance, out among the graves, near where Reed and Charles were buried. Another mourner, no doubt._

_Squinting, Jackson's brows furrowed. He knew it was her._

_April._

_She was here. But then, of course she was. Jackson hadn't even known she was in Seattle, but it didn't surprise him that she would choose to come visit their friends today. N _o doubt this anniversary mattered to her as much as it mattered to him._  He supposed he should have suspected she'd be here. He knew that April visited the graves far more often than Jackson had over the years. She had as a resident at least. She'd even been the one to suggest to the Adamson and Percy families that their children be buried near each other. To keep each other company or something. In the afterlife. If there even was one._

_Jackson had thought it was kind of weird, and maybe even a little crazy, but then they'd all been kind of weird and maybe even a little crazy in those first days and weeks following the shooting. Neither he, nor April had been able to return to their apartments knowing their roommates would never come home, so Meredith had taken them in, even as she dealt with Derek's injury._

_They stuck together. Jackson had found it hard to sleep. April seemed to develop a new obsession with showering. The suggestion of a joint burial for their fallen friends was probably the least weird thing any of them had done or thought about after the shooting. Plus, Jackson had known for ages about Charles's thing for Reed, and he was pretty sure that Reed would have been receptive to him. With some teasing._

_So a joint burial seemed appropriate in a sad sort of way. They'd never had a chance to really be together in life, so at least in death they wouldn't be far apart. Both Reed and Charles's families agreed._

_And in the end, seeing April was what got Jackson to finally leave his car ten years later. Because he saw April double over in apparent tears and something inside of him wanted to comfort her, his own feelings of despair be damned._

_The cemetery was quiet and calm. The only sound Jackson could hear was the crunching of his own shoes on the grass. He kept his head down and his eyes on his feet because the idea of accidentally walking over someone's final resting place seemed both disrespectful and kind of creepy._

_Of course, Jackson's lack of attention to what lay ahead of him caused him to walk head first into April as she carefully made her way back to the parking lot. She didn't seem to want to inadvertently walk over and headstones either._

_The force of the impact seemed to catch her off guard, and she stumbled. Automatically Jackson took hold of her shoulders to steady her footing. They stared at each other for a long moment. Despite the red rimmed eyes, April looked great. Just as beautiful as ever as far as Jackson was concerned._

_He opened his mouth to say something, and April watched him expectantly. But he couldn't seem to speak. He didn't know what to say. A lump welled up in his throat and he swallowed hard. Jackson's hands still rested on April's shoulders, and her tear filled eyes darted back and forth between his grip and his eyes._ _He realized that this was probably the first time he'd touched her in years._

_But the touch didn't last._

_Dabbing at her eyes with a tissue, April pulled away, taking one quick side step she brushed past him and headed back toward her car. Jackson watched over his shoulder until her car disappeared in the distance thinking about Reed and Charles and missed opportunities._

Jackson didn't like to think of his friends often because he hated to think about how they'd died. However, this picture made him recall the good times. And there had been many good times.

But Jackson also had to smile because he'd found  _this_  picture on April's desk. Among other pictures of people that mattered most to April. He mattered to her. At least as much as her extended family. And it was petty, but Jackson also felt a little vindicated because the picture April kept with him in it, was slightly bigger than the group picture that featured Matthew. His own face and expression was far more visible than the tall paramedic's.

That had to mean something, right?

"Hey."

Surprised, Jackson's head snapped up. He hadn't heard the door open, but there April stood in the doorway, with an armful of file folders. Her eyes were wide and her brows were raised but the rest of her expression was fairly unreadable. He felt himself sit up straighter in her desk chair. Suddenly he felt lighter.

"Hi!" Jackson waved, scooting back from her chair and rising to his feet as April closed the door behind her and walked closer into the room. "Uh, I haven't seen this picture of us and Reed and Charles in forever. It's a good one."

That only earned Jackson a nod and suspicious stare. He picked up the plastic container of fruit and fumbled, "Happy first day..."

April's eyes flicked from the food to her desk to Jackson's gaze. "Move."

She brushed past Jackson and walked behind the desk, sliding into her chair, stacking the files neatly on one corner. Jackson stepped to the side, unable to top himself from smiling as he watched April. Even the briefest touch was exhilarating. His mood instantly improved. Being around her was always the highlight of his day when he had the opportunity. Even though objectively he knew this whole situation was charged and awkward and that he totally shouldn't be here, he felt alive around April.

Maybe that's what love really was? Finally feeling alive around another person. Now, if only he could bring himself to say it as easily as he was trying to show it.

"What are you doing here, Jackson?"

Leaning on the edge of the desk, he moved into her personal space, getting incredibly close to her face and holding up a fork and the fruit bowl, "I come bearing gifts."

April lifted her gaze to the food and swallowed hard. She didn't look unhappy to see him, but it didn't really look like she was thrilled to talk to him much either. For now at least. Jackson leaned back, feeling vindicated when he heard a tell tale grumble of a stomach. Certainly wasn't his.

"I know it's your favorite," he coaxed. "Apples, grapes, pineapple, watermelon, cantaloupe, the green ones..."

"Honeydew?"

Nodding, he held out the plastic container, "You know you're hungry. I just wanted to stop by and wish you a happy first day, is all. Because...well, you know I-I care. Maybe we could talk?"

April leaned back in the desk chair, looking back at him playfully, "Are you bribing me?"

"What if I am?" Jackson handed her a fork and opened the box of fruit.

"Look," she continued more seriously, biting her lip. "Thank you, for coming and bringing this but I don't think we should really..."

Jackson tilted his head and looked straight into April's eyes, seeing desire and confusion reflected back at him, "You don't think we should really what?"

For a second, when April licked her lips, he was sure she was going to kiss him. Their faces were that close. But then the spell seemed to break. Taking a shaky breath, April pulled her eyes away from his gaze, "Too close."

Jackson sighed and took a few steps back, standing by the side of her desk, holding his hands up, "I am just here because I'm proud of you and I wanna support you on your first day. Chief of freaking surgery! I mean, we do have stuff to talk about, you know we do. But if you don't wanna do that today, it's fine. I can wait until you're ready. I just wanted to see you."

April took the fork and speared a piece of watermelon tentatively, "I...I've got a lot going on right now, Jackson, and...some of it has to do with you, yes. Because-"

"Because you miss me," Jackson interjected counting down on his fingers. "Because you care about me too. Because you almost kissed me-"

"Yeah," she spun the fork in her hand carefully, avoiding Jackson's gaze. "Okay? Yes. Yes, you are important to me. To all of this, but...there's also a lot that has  _nothing_  to do with you. There are things I need to figure out for me."

"Stuff about you and Matthew?"

Jackson could tell that they were not happy. Perhaps he'd driven the point home enough that April could see that now. And hopefully April would also see how much happier she could be with him instead. He knew he wanted to  _really_ be together. He'd be content with whatever he could get, in order to simply survive.

But to thrive Jackson felt that he needed April by his side. And he thought that she might need him too.

Her expression became chilly, "That's not really your business. The point is... _I_ have to figure out what I'm doing. And whether I want to talk to you or how much we see each other...I think that has to come after I figure what's best..."

Jackson's brow furrowed, as he considered what April was saying. Her shoulders were hunched and she was rubbing her temples. He could see the weight of what she was grappling with. And that guilt filled part of Jackson reared up again. Maybe he shouldn't push so hard on this. Maybe Karev was really right, and he needed to stay out of whatever was happening between April and her husband.

At the same time, Jackson couldn't help but think about something Matthew had thrown in his face. About all the times he'd been there for his wife when she'd encountered problems. For her to lean on and take strength from. All things Jackson had once done for April. All things he'd missed since he'd pushed her away and then walked out on her in the hospital all those years ago. Once he'd been her friend, protector and supporter.

Jackson didn't want to fail on those roles now. Not when he was trying to prove himself.

"You don't have to figure everything out on your own. I know I've been coming on a little strong..."

April snorted in laughter, "A little? You keep hanging around, you got me a job, you showed up here. I think I understand what you are thinking about. In fact, all things considered, you've been refreshingly clear compared to how we were back when...when all this started."

Jackson chuckled, "I meant that I said before, you know? We can be friends. I'll admit it. That's not exactly what I'm going for. But honestly, we don't have ever have to do anything you don't want to do."

"I just...there is  _so_  much going on and I'm confused and I'm not-I don't know what I am doing," April's words burst out in a rush. "And I just moved and my kids are still adjusting and their grandmother had a stoke, and I don't wanna mess up this job and I don't know how to handle you or him or if I am ready to talk or-"

"You're trying to figure things out," Jackson nodded. "I get it. And whatever you figure out? I'll be here for you."

April watched him closely, "I don't think I'm the only one with stuff to work out."

"Probably not," he agreed.

It was becoming more and more clear to Jackson that this mess didn't have a single culprit. He couldn't say it was all down to his own idiotic mistakes or because of April's insecurity and impulsiveness. He couldn't even lay all the blame on Matthew's feet for being an idiot, no matter how much he might want to. Jackson had baggage that made him push April away and April had baggage that made her fear being alone which made her turn to Matthew. And Jackson figured the paramedic had to have some sort of baggage of his own, since he apparently knew that he was second choice all along.

The three of them ended up in this situation because of issues that they all had, and it wasn't going to be easy to sort out. Jackson was doing his part as best he could to wade through his own problems. His fear of intimacy and vulnerability still prevented him from telling April what he really wanted her to know, even now. All he knew was that he was trying.

But it wasn't easy. And increasingly Jackson was beginning to fear that the mess would be impossible to sort out and impossible to fix.

"If you're not ready to talk, we don't have to. If you don't want me here, it'll suck but I'll go. We don't have to do anything you don't want to do," he repeated softly. "Trust me."

April's lips pursed and she didn't say anything for a long time. Finally she took an audible breath and said, "Well...see...that's the thing. I don't know if I do trust you."

Ouch. Jackson ducked his head.

"You used to."

"That worked out  _so_  well."

Her reply was dry and clipped.

The kind of response that reminded him of how much April had changed over the years. She'd long held onto this naive and pure quality. Not just in the carnal sense. Not that at all. When Jackson had first met April, she was trusting to a fault. Sensitive. She'd strived to see only the best in other people. It had been refreshing to find really. So many in medicine were jaded, but April wasn't. At least not back then.

Now she was guarded and suspicious and a lot of that was  _his_  fault.

Jackson's shoulders sagged. He could see where she was coming from. He knew how deeply he'd been hurt by their breakup and estrangement, and he was only  _just_  waking up to the true meaning of his feelings. April had figured that part out years ago. She'd told him how much she'd loved him  _years_  ago. And Jackson had shot her down and left her behind. That must have caused her agony.

It was the fear of that kind of feeling that stilled Jackson's tongue as a matter of fact. To this very day. Even this very instant. Because he didn't think he could live with her rejection if she didn't love him anymore.

But the only way he knew how to rebuild trust was through respect. It ran both ways, and he knew someone had to be the first to step forward. Building trust was like a little leap of faith, and even though faith was more April's specialty than his, Jackson knew he had to go for it.

He swallowed, "Well, I trust you. And if you want me to go, I'll go."

Trying to lighten the mood, Jackson smirked and added, "But the fruit salad goes with me."

Popping a grape into his mouth, Jackson chewed slowly, never breaking eye contact with April as she took in his words. Seemingly relieved, she finally nodded, which filled him with joy. Trust couldn't happen overnight, but Jackson hoped this was a start.

April smiled at him too.

"I said I wasn't ready to talk...about us," she explained, taking another bite of melon. "I never said I wanted you to go..."

That was all Jackson needed to hear. His smirk grew into a genuine toothy smile.

So what, if she wasn't ready to deal with the heavy stuff? He could wait. What really mattered was that April wanted him around. So he plopped down on the couch near her desk and started to fill her in on all the best Grey Sloan gossip she'd missed over the years. In turn, she told him some of the plans she was excited to implement as Chief of Surgery at Bellevue Accute Trauma.

Jackson came back the next week. Then the next. And the next.

And so visiting April became a regular thing. They talked about movies, sports, the weather. Everything except emotions or the past. But even after a certain point they could talk about some important things. Jackson shared his fears over the future of the Harper Avery Foundation once it's founder and namesake passed away. April revealed her fears about Jake's adjustment to life in a new city. They slowly seemed to move ever closer to being able to talk about what Jackson needed them to talk about.

They were kind of friends again, at least for a lunch hour once a week on Thursdays. It was all good. Great even.

Until of course, the rug in Jackson's life seemed to pull away from his feet, and he showed up in April's office at 8 am on a Monday morning crying like pansy.

That wasn't great.

* * *

Being Chief of Surgery was both better and harder than April could ever have imagined. And she  _loved_  it. In fact, she relished the challenge that BAT gave her, and the amount of work it took for them to rehire much of the staff, adjust all their operating profiles, and then finally admit and treat their first patient (an injured bicyclist) two weeks after her first day.

April's work life was a welcome respite from her home life. She'd fallen into an easy sort of pattern. She balanced budgets, did surgery, and taught residents. Once or twice she'd even saved a life. Jackson came by on Thursdays and it made her feel good.  _Really_ good.

She'd missed having him as a confidant as much as everything else, and even though she didn't think she was quite ready to face the everything else part of their relationship, having Jackson back on mostly friendly terms left April feeling hopeful regardless of the uncertainty surrounding their current relationship.

At work, she knew who she was, and what purpose she had. April knew why she was at Bellevue Acute Trauma. At home, with Matthew, increasingly, she had to consider the question:

W _hy am I here?_

Of course, her children were the obvious answer.

When they were awake and on the weekends, April threw herself into motherhood at a level she hadn't even realized was possible in Ohio. As chief, she had more ability to be flexible in many aspects of her schedule, so she was able to pick them up from day camp and on weekends she allowed them to enroll in a class each of their choice at the local community center.

Lindsey had somewhat predictably chosen gymnastics, and both April and Matthew were pleased that on at least one day a week their exuberant daughter had somewhere to blow off all her excess energy. Jake, to their surprise, picked a drawing class, which seemed to be populated by retired people rather than elementary students, but the boy seemed to love it, and April was happy he was happy. Even if he only seemed to be able to befriend old people.

No, when the children where around, things were too busy for April to think or question her life choices.

It was after the kids went to bed, leaving April all alone with her husband, in her mother in law's old house, when she really had to wonder why she was there. She still didn't feel like she fit in.

Matthew for his part, seemed to be adjusting well to the move.

Lynn Taylor's condition was improved enough that she could be released from the hospital to a rehabilitation facility. Her improvement seemed to boost her son's mood, and getting back to work also seemed to bring back some of the old more happy go lucky Matthew that April had known for most of her marriage.

Except when it came to Jackson of course. Matthew's anger seemed to just boiling just beneath the surface whenever any hint of the other man came up.

He did not know about April's weekly lunch buddy.

Despite the improved temperament she saw in her husband in the weeks following their move, April didn't feel herself falling into the same old habits of her marriage. She tried to sometimes, but honestly her heart wasn't in it. And really April knew that both spouses hearts  _should_ be in the marriage.

Yet, it seemed that Matthew thought things were back on track in their marriage. Matthew seemed to be happy. Maybe even too happy, but he still had his moments of unpredictable moodiness.

They were fighting less but they were still fighting.

Matthew started working as a paramedic again, albeit with a new partner. Terri -with an I, not a Y- Chen. Who was apparently both hilarious and almost as capable as Nicole had been back in the day. Or something like that. Most of what Matthew told April about his new partner made April want to roll her eyes.

_"So then this guy gets up and tries to run outta the house in his underwear," Matthew droned on as he and April worked together to clean the dishes from the family dinner. He wasn't exactly doing a great job however, because he was clearly enjoying telling his story far more than he did drying plates. He kept falling behind._

_April scowled and held out a rinsed plate, waiting from her husband to finish up with the previous one._

_"He's still got my blood pressure cuff on," Matthew explained, still holding the same plate, bumping her elbow and he gestured ecstatically. "And he's trying to bolt out the back sliding door. But like, he doesn't realize that it's shut, you know? So he runs right into the glass!"_

_Noting the expectant pause in her husband's flow, April murmured in what she hoped sounded both appropriate, and as though she had any interest at all in the story Matthew was telling. She'd spent years as a trauma surgeon and had pretty much experienced it all anyway. Crazy patients? Been there,done that. Matthew was a good paramedic, but he was a horrible storyteller._

_For good measure in trying to show some interest, she added, "I hope the glass didn't break..."_

_Matthew chuckled and threw his head back, "Thank God it didn't! Nah, he just hit the glass and when down. Started saying how he was undercover CIA and the Russians were out to get him..."_

_Finally he tried the plate in his hand and placed it on the drying rack. "Terri turns to me and says, 'This guy is high as a kite!'"_

_"How observant of her," April rolled her eyes and _handed him the next dish.__

_Her husband seemed to miss her sarcasm and animatedly continued, "And I am kind of taken aback, you know? And flailing around and I can't hold him still or get him sedated or anything. But like, Terri, she tells him with a straight face that we are undercover with the CIA too, and that we're extracting him for debrief."_

_"And how did that work out?"_

_"Perfectly!" Matthew grinned. "He stopped struggling right away and willingly walked right on to the rig with us. Easy peasy. It was brilliant. Terri is really good at getting even the most difficult patients to relax."_

_This time he didn't even try to dry the plate before placing it, still dripping on the rack with the dry dishes. April chuckled and shook her head, "If I didn't know any better, I'd say you have a crush..."_

_She really was only joking. Matthew talked about his new partner a lot. Not that April really suspected anything or was worried. Matthew was very moral, religious and dedicated. She was the one who was under invested in the marriage and she was the one who was susceptible to temptation._

_April knew she was the one who was more likely to screw up. Matthew was too good._

_Mood changing rapidly, Matthew suddenly glared, and stepped back the sink. "You don't know any better! I'm not like you..."_

_April balked and turned to face her husband, "What's that supposed to mean?"_

_Without giving any sort of answer, Matthew dried off his hands and stormed out the kitchen, leaving April frustrated and pissed off._

_"Matthew!" she called after him sternly. "What is that supposed to mean?"_

_"I am sure Jackson can answer your question much better than me," was the only reply April heard before the sound of the front door slammed._

The only tantrums in the Taylor household these days came from Matthew. At least he usually had the decency to step out for a bit when tensions grew, so the kids didn't hear.

April sighed and started up at the ceiling as she lay in the bed of the master bedroom in her mother in law's house. Even though she was technically laying in her own bed in the house that she lived in, this place still didn't feel like home. She could hear Matthew clattering around in the master bathroom, getting himself ready for bed.

To be perfectly honest, the times that April felt most comfortable and personally most at ease was in her office on the days that Jackson stopped by for lunch. She knew it was pretty pathetic because things with Jackson were still anything but normal. She didn't know what they were and they still hadn't gotten to the point of talking about it. She wasn't ready. She didn't think Jackson was as ready as he thought he was.

But April liked that Jackson visited her. She didn't like that it seemed to hurt him to love her. Not that he said as much, but April could see that it kind of killed him to visit and  _not_  hash everything out. It kind of killed him that he couldn't be with her. She could see that.

It made April feel guilty that she wasn't ready to deal with any of that yet, but the fact of the matter was that first, she needed to figure out what trajectory she wanted for her life now. And whether she wanted Jackson or her husband to be a part of that.

Matthew padded into the bedroom, barefoot and looking down at his phone as his slid into bed next to his wife. April's eyes briefly flicked in his direction before she returned her gaze above. He seemed to finish whatever he was doing before he returned his attention to her. He leaned back and pressed his head close to hers squinting at the ceiling. It was the most attention he'd shown toward April all evening, having arrived home late, and then spent most of the evening messing with his phone and watching a football game.

"What's so interesting up there, April?"

"Just thinking..."

Leaning on his side, Matthew's arm suddenly snaked across April's chest suggestively, "Well, I'm thinking I have a few ideas about what we can do before bed." He kissed her cheek, "I'm really sorry about earlier, okay? I didn't mean to ignore you..."

And here we go again. This had become the usual course of events. Matthew and April would fight. One of them would step out for a bit, and then Matthew would feel guilty and...

_Angrily, April finished doing the dishes. Alone._

_She made lunches for the kids for the next day. Alone._

_She put both Lindsey and Jake to bed. Alone._

_The longer Matthew was gone, the more April's anger grew. Why did he have to get all bent out of shape over a stupid tease anyway? It was a joke. April teased him about other stuff and he never freaked out about it. He made fun of his own quirks sometimes himself. April did the same for herself. It was just normal. But somehow even something as simple as a joke brought out Matthew's jealousy of Jackson._

_Which didn't even make sense. As far as Matthew knew, April was only seeing Jackson when it was absolutely necessary anyway._

_April opted to try to calm herself down by taking a hot shower before bed. Sighing heavily, she let the steaming hot water flow across her body. She was trying to go with the flow. Trying to see if staying in her marriage was worth the aggravation. More and more, it felt just as confusing as the whole deal with Jackson. It was a chore that exhausted her._

_She was just putting shampoo in her hair when she heard the bathroom door creak open. Pursing her lips, April rinsed the lather in her hair and called out, "Did you have a nice walk? Took you long enough..."_

_The shower curtain opened and April gasped when Matthew came up behind her, wrapping his long arms around her waist. He was as naked as she was._

_"I should have come back sooner," he mumbled against her neck as the hot water continued to pour._

_April tilted her head to one side and replied skeptically, "Okay..."_

_She wasn't exactly sure why her husband had just stripped and hopped in the shower with her. It wasn't exactly typical occurrence in their marriage at all._

_At all. Matthew was a traditional guy. Far from adventurous. Or so April thought._

_"I shouldn't have implied that you are not worth being like," Matthew continued sweetly running his hands up and down her torso._ _"I may not agree with every choice you make, but you are definitely worth emulating, and I am glad our daughter has you as a role model. I shouldn't have said anything different just because I was mad. That was definitely below the belt..."_

_He pressed his lips to her neck, laying kisses up to a spot behind her ear that they both knew well. "And not the kind of below the belt I want right now," Matthew_

_"Oh!" April's eyes widened in surprise as he pressed his body roughly behind hers._

_She moaned involuntarily as he continued to kiss her neck with increasing intensity. She reached her hand back to touch Matthew's thigh. What the heck? April was still frustrated and she figured this would be one way to blow off all that steam._

_And it wasn't exactly often these days that sex with her husband held the prospect of not being boring._

_Honestly, April didn't know Matthew had it in him._

Matthew would feel guilty and try to make up for it with sex.

Great, passionate, eyes rolling to the back of your head, sensations that left you gasping for air, kind of sex. Of a sort they'd never really had in nearly a decade of marriage. Typically they were much tame. Ordinary. Mechanical. Now, Matthew seemed more invigorated than ever, but also less connected. Sometimes April went along with him but other times she didn't.

When she did, the sex left April feeling used somehow. Or like she was a user. And sometimes both.

Which was confusing because the last time she'd felt these sort of feelings about sex had been with Jackson. But she'd thought that was all because of her guilt and discomfort with breaking her promise to God and not waiting until marriage. Now, she was married. Not exactly happily, but the vows she made  _should_  have precluded the intense feelings of guilt the April inevitably felt after sleeping with her husband.

Perhaps vows had nothing to do with it.

Maybe it was discomfort with ambiguity that drove April's feelings. She hadn't known where she stood with Jackson at all during the whole course of their physical relationship. Now, she didn't understand Matthew's hot and cold attitude towards her. Or why he was suddenly trying to jump her bones all the time. April just wasn't sure where she really stood. And, up until this point, it muddied the waters for her, since she was working on figuring out what she wanted and whether this marriage was a part of that.

But suddenly, staring at the ceiling, April made a decision. She pushed Matthew's hands away gently, "I can't do this." She sat up straight in the bed and looked around the room. "I can't do this anymore."

"Fine," Matthew huffed, flopping on his back again and picking up his phone once more. "Let's just sleep then."

April laughed humorlessly at the action with his phone. Of course. She repeated, "I can't."

Grabbing her pillow and stood up shaking her head, April stood up and left the room. She went into the hallway and picked out a spare blanket, before heading downstairs to the living room. Matthew trailed behind her, phone still in his hand.

"What are you doing, April?"

Shaking her head, April laid out her bedding on their couch, "I'm going to bed."

"On the couch?" Matthew demanded. "We have our bed upstairs, April. What's going on here?"

"I can't sleep there anymore," she replied wearily, gesturing at the walls. "I don't belong there. It's- and you-"

"What? I'm what?" her husband crossed his arms. "You're saying you can't even sleep in the same bed as me?"

"Maybe," April swallowed hard and used one hand to brush her hair out of her face. "At least not tonight."

Matthew took hold of her pillow, "No."

April grabbed the other end, pulling hard, "You can't tell me where to sleep!"

The unexpected tiny voice of their daughter interrupted them, "No fighting!"

The adults turned toward the stairway to see that their argument had awoken both Jake and Lindsey. April's heart wrenched when she saw that her little girl had her hands placed over her ears, trying to drown out her parents. Jake yawned sleepily, as his hands gripped the stair rails. She could see that he was observing closely.

"Why are you sleeping down here, Mom?" he asked carefully.

Both Matthew and April looked at each other in panic. For all their recent disagreements, the one thing that created no conflict for the couple was their desire to shield the children from their parents issues. So far, April thought they'd done well enough in trying to hide their fights from Jake and Lindsey. Until now.

"Uh," April fumbled awkwardly as her husband walked over to the stairs and scoop Lindsey to his hip. "Mommy's back hurts in the big bed, so I thought I'd try sleeping down here."

The excuse sounded lame and she knew it, but it was all that came to mind. Matthew ran with it, "We're not fighting, Daddy just doesn't think this is the best solution for a backache. But maybe Mommy is right. How about I take you two back up for bed and we can see if her back feels better tomorrow?"

"Okay," Lindsey replied sleepily, resting her head against her father's shoulders. She seemed to buy the lie at least.

Jake however, was a different story. He paused on his walk up the stairs, just as his father and sister disappeared to the second floor, watching his mother intently.

"I hope you feel better tomorrow, Mommy," he whispered. "I love you."

If only her son's wish had come true.

April's life didn't exactly improve the next day. Turns out sleeping on the couch actually did give her a backache. She was nearly late for work and was just setting her bag behind her desk when she heard a knock at the office door.

"Come in," April called out as cheerily as possible, assuming it was a fellow surgeon or a resident. She heard the door open and close once more, but looked up in confusion when the person that entered remained silent and did not identify themselves.

Jackson, looking pale and stricken, stood in her doorway. On a Monday. In the morning. Which, given their pattern in the last month and a half, was completely unexpected. Taking in his appearance, April immediately knew something was wrong. His hands were shaking. She rounded her desk immediately and walked to his side. This was not a normal social call.

"What happened?" April asked as she guided Jackson to her couch. He didn't seem to react to the gentle touch to the shoulders that allowed her to move him. He didn't seem to react to much at all. He still hadn't said a word.

April sat on the couch beside Jackson, leaving a small distance between their bodies, and watching him carefully as he shook his head in disbelief. He looked so broken and she was surprised to find that it physically hurt her heart to see him in such a state. She didn't understand what was going on.

"I knew it was coming," Jackson finally said shakily. "It shouldn't hit me this hard."

"What?" April pressed, tentatively reaching her hand out to his knee to encourage him to speak.

Funny that they'd spent do much time these past few months trying desperately  _not_ to touch each other. That in any other circumstance was a dangerous route to temptation or worse. But now, in this moment, it felt imperative. Irresistible. Unavoidable.

Jackson turned and looked April in the eye. His lower lip shook, and choked back a sob before fully bursting into tears. Her jaw dropped. She reached out and pulled Jackson into a hug, letting him cry into her chest. She'd  _never_  seen Jackson like this. He didn't cry. Not ever. Not even when Reed and Charles died. She still didn't know what was wrong or how to help, but every fiber of her being screamed out with the need to do  _something_  for him. So April rocked slowly and rubbed Jackson's back.

"What is it?" she asked softly.

Jackson looked up, clearly embarrassed as he tried to wipe his eyes.

April tried to be reassuring, "You can tell me."

"My Grandpa died. He's...he died."


	10. Chapter 10

Charles was right.

April's lap was incredibly comforting. Jackson thought that under different circumstances, it would be quite nice as a matter of fact. Minus the puffy eyes, runny nose, and the basic loss of his dignity as a man. He  _never_  let people see him like this.

Not even his mother.

April didn't seem to mind the fact that he'd spent the better half of the last hour blubbering on her couch. She didn't push him to give more details, or to talk about his feelings. She didn't comment on his tears. April only rubbed Jackson's back soothingly and allowed him to take up her space. Her touch felt so gentle and so  _right_ that Jackson didn't want it to ever end.

For so long, she'd tried so hard to keep him at a distance. But now, it was like she knew  _exactly_  what he needed.

Jackson also realized that the haze he was feeling and the fact that he was thinking about his place on April's lap rather than the reason his head currently occupied the space, kind of showed how messed up he was.

Jackson still couldn't believe it.

Harper Avery was dead. The Harper Avery, modern medical titan. The Harper Avery, shrewd non-profit leader. Harper Avery, grandfather.

 _His_  grandfather.

And after so many years of griping and occasionally resenting the old guy and all that Avery legacy, Jackson had almost forgotten just how much he loved the old man. He  _loved_ his grandfather. Cranky, occasionally snobby, back handed compliment giving, demanding old hellion that he'd been.

His grandfather had been hard on Jackson, no doubt.

When he was 9, Jackson could remember attending his first real official hospital gala. His nanny had been sick that day and his mother had gotten called into emergency surgery, so Jackson ended up in charge of getting himself ready and dressed.

_"Look, Grandpa!" Jackson announced excitedly, puffing out his chest as he strode into his grandfather's big office. "I tied my tie all by myself!"_

_Which actually had turned out to be a much more difficult operation than he'd actually expected it to be. It looked so easy when his nanny or mom did it for him. He pointed to the knot with pride when he reached his grandfather's desk._

_The older man, turned to face Jackson with a scowl._ _"Tuck in your shirt, Jackie. Your looks might be the only thing going for you, but that doesn't preclude you from being neat."_

_It wasn't the first time he'd heard this sort of thing, but the words still stung. Jackson ducked his head and blinked back tears. He'd learned long ago that his grandfather didn't have time for silly feelings or childish tears. Sometimes it felt like his Grandpa didn't like him very much. He tried to be good, but the man always seemed to want more from him._

_Harper sighed, and knelt next to the dejected boy. "Your father always preferred being unkempt."_

_Jackson frowned. He didn't remember his father very well. Only that he was gone._

_The older man reached out and gently tucked in the lose ends of Jackson's shirt into his pants. "There. N _ow you look presentable. No one can say we let you run wild like War-"__

__The old man paused awkwardly, frozen with the name of his disappointing son on his lips. "Well...no one can say anything about_ you, Jackie."_

_Jackson scowled and pulled at the itchy clothes. He thought it was much better when the shirttails were on the outside and didn't touch his skin. He didn't usually ask too many questions. He'd also learned early that it was better to be silent around his grandpa. Seen and not heard._

_However, the itchy clothes were too much. "But why?"_

_"You can do better, Jackie," his grandfather replied simply. "You're an Avery."_

"You know...even though he didn't always show it," Jackson began quietly when his tears finally died down. "He did love me, I think."

April's arms tightened around his shoulders briefly, "Of course he did."

It surprised him how certain she sounded, given everything that had happened between the two of them. And everything that had happened with his grandfather. Jackson had spent many years trying to figure out just what the old man felt for him. Did Harper think Jackson wasn't smart? Did he think he was just good looking? Was his grandson a disappointment to him?

Jackson could never be sure.

"I mean, I don't know," Jackson continued, letting April continue to rub his shoulders soothingly. "He never really said he loved me. And..."

He swallowed hard, finally giving words to this feeling of unease he'd had for a long time deep inside. Words he could barely even admit and face up to himself, let alone another person. But this was April, and he supposed if there was ever someone he could trust with his deepest secrets, it would be her. He could be himself, weaknesses and all around his best friend.

"I'm not exactly  _that_  lovable."

It was true. Jackson realized that rationally what he was saying didn't make any sense, but viscerally he  _felt_  like this was the only explanation for much of what had happened in his life. What did he have really? Not much. A boring job he'd gotten because of his family. A car and a swanky apartment he'd bought with money he'd inherited and not earned. The only real family he had was his mother, his recently deceased grandfather, a sassy Fox aunt he rarely saw and, he supposed, somewhere out there, his father.

And out of those people? The only person he was sure loved him was his mother. She was the only one who told him so. That Jackson had let himself believe anyway. She was the only person he'd been able to believe. He had a lot of things in his life; possessions, accolades, money. But what Jackson had realized in these past several months, ever since April had come back into his life, was that the one thing he didn't have was a lot of people. And without Harper, he now had one less.

Jackson was alone. There had to be a reason.

"Jackson-"

"Well, let's face it," Jackson mumbled morosely, shaking his head. "I'm not a good friend. I'm not a good boyfriend. I haven't been a good son. I'm not a good Avery. Otherwise, I'd be better with all this Harper Avery Foundation stuff. I'd be pioneering cutting edge surgeries that add to the Avery mantle. I wouldn't avoid spending time with my mother. I would have spent more time with my grandfather before he died. I push away all the people that care about me!"

He shifted to a sitting position and looked at April desperately. He could feel himself getting worked up again. "Otherwise, I'd have  _you_. We'd have an awesome family. We'd be happy. And my Dad-"

Jackson stopped short, biting his lower lip to hold back another unexpected wave of tears. Shit.

_Scratching the back of his head, Jackson peered out at the assembled audience nervously. His motor board kept sliding forward and covering his eyes. Before it did, Jackson managed to spot his mother, her sister and his grandparents sitting in the far left corner of the room. They would have the best view of Jackson when he grabbed his diploma. He didn't see anyone else with them yet. Only an empty seat._

_His father must not be here yet. But it was cool. He was probably just running late. Traffic or something. It wasn't like he was going to miss the ceremony or anything._

_Jackson's robes itched ridiculously. He twisted awkwardly, and Trent Abbot, his nearest classmate snickered._

_"Panties in a twist, Avery?" the teen shook his head. "It's just a stupid ceremony. No need to be a scaredy cat. Don't piss yourself."_

_"Shut up!"_

_Jackson wasn't nervous. He wasn't._ _There was something in the fabric of his graduation robes that bothered his skin was all. Nothing to do with nerves. Nothing to do with the fact that in mere moments he would be graduating with honors from the prestigious Concord Academy, the same exact boarding school both his father and grandfather had attended. He wasn't nervous at all. Even if he knew he would be seeing his father for the first time in over 15 years._

_The fabric was itchy._

_Soon enough the familiar sting of notes from Elgar's Pomp and Circumstance rang out through the hall, and the headmaster began reading out students names. Abbot, Allen, Ames, and on and on. When it was his turn Jackson made his way over to the podium to retrieve his diploma, shaking all the appropriate hands as he went. Glancing left he caught sight of his beaming mother, clapping her hands and weeping openly as she watched her baby boy graduate high school. He smiled at her and looked toward the rest of his family. Jackson saw his aunt smiled primly, and his grandmother dabbing at her eyes. Harper Avery was more serious, clapping slowly and giving Jackson one firm nod._

__Jackson's smile fell from his lips. He really shouldn't have felt surprised._ The chair next to them was still empty._

_Warren Avery was a no show._

"My Dad," Jackson finally choked out in a whisper. "He might not have left. Or he might have come back. If I was better, he would love me and he might be here."

Again, the intellectual and logical side of himself thought it was ridiculous to believe, but his heart was still hurt. He supposed deep down inside of him somewhere there was still that sad little boy who missed his father and didn't understand why the older man had gone away.

"Oh, Jackson," April murmured softly, reaching out the the table in front of her couch to grab a box of tissues and handing him a sheet.

Jackson sighed shakily and wiped his nose, feeling like a total idiot.  _He_  wasn't supposed to act this way.  _He_ wasn't supposed to feel this way.  _He_  was supposed to be stronger than this.

He was an Avery.

"I can't-" April swallowed and continued haltingly. "I can't pretend to know exactly what happened with your Dad, Jackson."

He shrugged. How could she? Even before they'd made a mess of their relationship, Jackson had told April next to nothing about his father. And even less about how he felt about Warren Avery.

"I can't even imagine," she shook her head and squeezed Jackson's knee. "And I am so  _so_ sorry that this happened to you. You didn't deserve it. You can't believe that about yourself. I don't know what happened with your father-"

April tentatively wrapped an arm around his shoulders and leaned in close, "But I do know that whatever happened, it was  _his_  failing Jackson. Not yours. You are  _not_  unlovable."

Jackson watched her closely as she faltered taking a deep breath. He wanted to believe her. He wanted to feel secure. He wanted to stop blaming himself for his father's departure. Their eyes were locked and he watched as April seemed to struggle. She bit her lip, breaking eye contact and looking down.

"I-I know that for a fact because...well, because I've-I've loved you."

"Loved?"

He steeled himself for her answer. Throughout this whole thing, Jackson had convinced himself that April still loved him. He was almost certain she did. Her actions proved much. But this would be the ultimate confirmation. If she did love him. If Jackson could let himself believe her.

"Love," April admitted earnestly. "For better or for worse. I do love you."

Jackson released a shaky breath he hadn't known he was holding in. So there it was. She did love him. April  _still_  loved him after everything that had happened. He swallowed thickly. Time seemed to have slowed down for him and he struggled to control his breathing. He stared out at April's tidy office, dumbfounded trying process what his ears were hearing. She still loved him. Even though he'd walked away and then burst back into her life again. Even though he bothered her and pushed her. Even though he'd never said it to her himself. She  _still_  loved him.

Jackson didn't think it would hit him this hard.

Oblivious, April continued to ramble, "That's not to say that I know whether it even matters anymore if I love you and it doesn't mean that I'm not still a little mad at your for some of this but...it's not like I can just turn it off..."

He took a deep breath and reached out to lift April's chin so that they were eye to eye. His gaze was determined. Hers, confused. He licked his lips and glanced to hers. Could he do it? He watched as her eyes flicked to his own lips and she leaned forward slightly. It would be easier. He could so easily turn this moment into something else. He could just kiss her. Jackson felt sure she'd go along with it this time because she felt bad from him. His grandfather had just died after all. It would be so easy. Old habits and all of that? They were always better with physical stuff anyway.

But look where that had gotten them? Life was way too short. Even for old men.

Jackson leaned back and rested his hands on April's cheeks. "I know...I know I'm a little late in saying this, and I don't know if it will make things better or worse but I want you to know-"

Realization seemed to dawn in her mind and her eyes widened.

"I love you, April. I love you, and I think I always have, but I just...I was just too messed up to see it. I didn't understand. I was afraid. And I am sorry I couldn't tell you sooner. I love everything about you."

April reached up and took hold of his hand. Her silence dragged on and on. He seemed to have taken her breath away. She opened her mouth, but couldn't seem to form words. For a moment he thought she was going to cry.

And then it all when to shit.

Jackson startled and jumped to his feet as the door to April's office burst open to reveal an extremely pissed off looking Matthew and behind him, just outside the door, a more timid looking Asian woman. Both dressed in paramedic uniforms. April turned to face her husband though he could see that her shocked expression quickly became a glare.

"What the hell is  _he_  doing here?" the tall paramedic demanded taking an ominous looking step towards Jackson.

"Hey man," Jackson tried to explain, holding his hands up. "This isn't what you think-"

He actually had no idea what the other man thought, and it honestly didn't seem to matter because before Jackson could even finish his sentence he felt Matthew's fist collide into his jaw. The punch was thrown with such force that Jackson staggered to one side and nearly lost his balance. Matthew might be a dope, but the man could hit hard.

"Ow," Jackson moaned, pressing his hand against the pain in his jaw and dodging to one side just in time as he saw another angry fist headed his way.

Matthew practically hissed, "What part of stay away from my family did you not understand?"

"Oh my God!" April shouted, stepping in between her husband and Jackson with her hands raised. "Really? You're trying to spy on me in my office?"

"No!" Matthew pouted. "I came to surprise you and apologize about last night, but I guess you really did deserve to sleep on the fucking couch after all!"

Jackson briefly made eye contact with the small woman that was seemed to be Matthew's partner. She looked just as dumbfounded as he felt. He'd long had the sense that things were not all perfect in the Taylor marriage. But he'd never have expected them to end up having a shouting match about it in a hospital office, let alone in front of him. They weren't exactly the types. It was only the second time he'd heard April's husband swear. The other paramedic seemed like she was debating whether or not to step in and try to calm her partner down. She wrung her hands together nervously.

April was clearly pissed. She pointed an angry finger in Matthew's face, "That had nothing to do with Jackson and everything to do with  _you_!"

"Maybe  _you're_  the one who's the problem here, April. You just can't seem to help yourself. You need that God damn  _Avery_ juice. Seriously? It's like you're a relapsed addict that needs a fix. Is he that much better than me? Is his dick bigger than mine? Does he fuck you right here in the office? Bend you over this couch like some cheap-"

She rolled her eyes, "Oh, stop being stupid, Matthew!"

"Right," Matthew retorted snarkily. "That's me, always just your stupid husband. Your husband the idiot. What am I supposed to think? I  _must_  be stupid."

"I'm not cheating on you," April sounded exasperated. Her next words made Jackson smirk despite the confrontation. "I'm not. God knows I could have, but I haven't!"

"Sure, and he's just here for the food," her husband quipped waving a hand toward Jackson.

"His grandfather died, Matthew!" April practically snarled, getting right in her husband's face, despite their height difference. "Jackson came here because he was devastated to lose a loved one, a position which you came very close too yourself. Very recently. Have some compassion! What did you expect me to do? Throw him out? His grandfather just died and he needed the support of a person who cared about him."

"And that person just  _had_  to be you?"

"I never made any secrets about how much I care about Jackson, Matthew. Right from the beginning. You know I never did. I told you he was a part of my life. You knew! He needed support and I was there for him," April explained viciously.

"It's not your place!" Matthew shouted, practically stomping his foot. "You are my wife, not his! I told you not to see him!"

"You can't tell me what to do! Don't you dare think that you can!" April was yelling now, surprising all of them by lunging toward Matthew with her arms at the ready. "If you try to tell me what I can and can't do one more time, I swear to God I will-"

The pose and stance were familiar to Jackson. He'd seen it long before in a hotel bar in San Francisco. April was threatening him. Her own husband. Her cheeks were flushed red. Her breathing was heavy and her nostrils flared. She was on the verge of hitting her husband. She was that mad. Jackson rubbed his jaw and watched in amazement. Once again, he'd been punched and April was ready to rumble.

He knew that in a lot of ways April made him a better person. But sometimes Jackson wondered if he'd actually made her worse.

She was on the verge of hitting her husband. She was that mad. Jackson was afraid she actually would. What was scarier was the fact that it looked like Matthew was in the same blinding arena of anger as his wife, eyes a blaze and fists curled at his sides, as though they were prepared to return the favor if April did lash out.

Holy shit.

Hallway paramedic and Jackson sprung into action at almost the exact same instant. And just in the nick of time, too. Jackson jumped to his feet and grabbed tight hold of April's arms before she slapped Matthew.

"Hey! Hey!" he said firmly, pulling April away from her husband. "Let's settle down. You don't want to do this. I know you don't. Don't do this."

The other paramedic had stepped in front of Matthew, using her hands on his chest to push him back a few steps, "Matthew, come on. This isn't you. I think you should both calm down. This isn't you."

The taller man seemed stricken at her words and looked instantly appalled, lifting his hands to his head in horror, "Oh God!"

While Matthew's partner continued to speak quietly to him, April spun around to glare at Jackson and it was kind of scary just how much anger he saw in the depths of her eyes. She seemed filled with rage and frustration. Probably bottled up for ages, and encompassing so much more than this exact argument with her husband.

It was one of those moments where Jackson was acutely aware of the fact that the woman in front of him was not exactly the same April he'd known years ago. Once, very recently that idea had startled him. Maybe even scared him a little. But now he was okay with it. Jackson realized he loved the woman of today just as much as the person he'd known so many years ago.

He loved April. Everything that she'd been. Everything she was now. Everything she would be.

Then the anger in her eyes dissipated, and Jackson could see tears brimming as well. April tried to wipe them away, and hung her head, clearly embarrassed over the events that had just transpired. She bit her lip and looked around the room, glancing toward Matthew and then back to Jackson.

"I'm sorry."

Jackson couldn't be sure who April was speaking. And when he thought about it, that probably didn't matter.

* * *

It was such a small thing. Such a little, nearly insignificant gesture that anyone else might have missed.

April herself might have easily missed it, considering how angry she still was when she briskly escorted her husband and his partner out of her office and out to the ambulance bay of Bellevue Acute Trauma. She could barely see straight, she was so angry, but April still saw enough. And what she saw spoke volumes. It was a gesture, so small in fact that April was positive that even Matthew and Terri were unaware of it.

April shook her head wearily as she sat on the back porch of her mother in law's house. After work she'd taken Jake and Lindsey to Alex and Jo's for a sort of emergency sleepover. Matthew and April needed to talk. And it probably wasn't a good idea for them to have the children to worry about. And April hated to run the risk of things spiraling out of control again. April didn't think it would happen, but she refused to put her children in the place where they saw a display like the one that occurred in her office.

Initially, April had thought to call Matthew's old friend Nicole. After all, the woman had two boys of her own that Jake and Lindsey knew and she had gotten her husband his paramedic job after the move. With Terri. But somehow it didn't feel right to April. It was probably petty, but April didn't want to send her kids to someone she thought would be on  _his_  side in all of this. Not when she was still a little mad at him.

April knew it was stupid, but she'd listened to her gut and called someone from her past.

She hadn't really known who else to turn to, and the kids had met Jessica Karev briefly at a picnic right after April started working at BAT. And fortunately, Alex immediately agreed to help her. She couldn't quite explain why, but she got the sense that Karev understood why she needed him. April had never been really certain what kind of friendship she had with Alex, if it was a friendship at all. It seemed she might have underestimated him.

Tonight April was grateful.

The day had been misty, as were most days in Seattle. The backyard, from the patio furniture to the swing set, all seemed to be enveloped by a thin layer of fog. She frowned an picked up a leaf that had blown near her spot, spinning it carefully between her fingers as she waited for her husband, shifting carefully through her thoughts.

Such a small thing.

But April kind of worried that this small thing would turn out to be just as consequential to the fate of her marriage as Jackson. And just as important as the big fight.

_April crossed her arms and strode purposefully toward the side of her husband's ambulance. Though it was pretty much a given that most of the staff on her floor hd heard the massive argument in her office, April didn't want her staff to think that their Chief of Surgery couldn't handle her own problems professionally. She still could hardly fathom what had just happened in her office. From Jackson showing up in tears, to telling her that he loved her (which she still couldn't fully process), to Matthew showing up. Jackson had left rather quickly, after everyone had calmed, which she supposed made sense. They both needed to process._

_Matthew and Terri on the other hand had lingered. She glanced behind her apprehensively, watching as Matthew and Terri followed a few steps behind her._

_Her husband couldn't make eye contact with her. He frowned and hung his head in shame, not even bothering to straighten his rumbled clothing. Beside him was the oft talked about Terri Chen. April felt like Matthew talked about the woman all the time. In person Matthew's partner seemed a little less than legendary, but, she supposed it was a good thing Terri and Jackson were in her office today._

_Without them, April had no idea what she and Matthew would have done. Which was scary._

_April couldn't ever remember being so mad. Not when she was little and her sisters had stolen her diary and read it to her classmates. Not in college when the football player she helped tutor asked her out on a date and tried to steal her chemistry notes. Not even when she'd gotten into a bar fight in San Francisco. All rational thought had seemed to leave her mind. All the frustrated unkind thought she'd ever had about her husband seemed to surface. And listening to him talk? The awful things he accused her of? Telling her what to do?_

_April just snapped._

_It was fortunate that Jackson and Terri were about to calm her and Matthew down, and April was eager to send her husband on his way. She felt like she was slacking off at her job today, having spent the morning dealing with personal stuff. And embarrassing herself by shouting at Matthew in her office._

_April pointed to the rig, "Um...you guys need to go."_

_"Yes," Terri replied, a little bit to eagerly. Overcompensating for the fact that her partner hadn't said so much as a word to his wife since the fight. Matthew seemed too ashamed. "Matthew's told me so much about you, if you can believe it..."_

_The woman glanced awkwardly to her partner, who remained mute. His wife did too. The radio silence seemed unnerving and Terri fumbled, "_ _I...I just wish we'd met under better circumstances."_

_April didn't really, but she took pity on the woman, pursing her lips and nodding, "Sure."_

_With that April left them to their ambulance, turning on her heel and marching back toward her hospital. She didn't say so much as a goodbye to Matthew. She couldn't. She just needed him to be gone. She needed to be alone. She needed to think. She needed to get to a place where she could think clearly about her life and husband._

_At the last second, when April had almost reached the automatic ambulance bay doors, she looked back. Matthew was still standing dejectedly by the rig doors. Terri was watching him sympathetically. She reached up to her partner's shirt and straightened his wrinkled clothes, lifting a hand to pick lint off of his shoulders. Matthew let her fuss and reached out to Terri while she fiddled with his appearance._

_His hand lingered for just a second too long._

_April's brow furrowed, before she turned and continued walking._

_Such a small thing._

April knew that Jackson loved her now. And she knew that somehow in all of this, she still loved him too. It was a relief to hear that he loved her and a relief to admit to herself that Jackson still mattered to her. In fact, despite all of her anger and sadness surrounding what had happened between her and Jackson, April realized that his happiness was still central to her world.

Seeing him break down in her office broke April's heart.

And she had to wonder who else's heart broke when they saw someone they loved get upset.

In the distance April heard the sound of a car engine followed by the front door to the house creaking open. Heavy footsteps moved through the house. She swallowed hard. Matthew was home. She'd half expected him not to come.

"I'm out here, Matthew," she called out, turning back to face the open screen door. She could just make Matthew out in the dim hallway. He looked like a lost little boy in his own house. "Come on."

Slowly, almost cautiously, her husband made his way through the house and out onto the back porch. Matthew looked like he was about to cry as he slowly eased his tall body down to the step beside April. There was a small distance between them, but it might have well have been miles. He slid his phone out of his back pocket and placed it in the space, before he draped his long arms over his knees. Like he was protecting himself.

"I wasn't sure you'd be here when I got home," Matthew says tentatively.

April sighed and dropped her leaf, "I wasn't sure I would be either."

"Where are the kids?"

"With Alex Karev. I thought...I thought it would be better to talk alone," she explained.

Matthew gulped, "It probably is."

Biting her lower lip, April nodded and continued to stare out at the backyard.

Her husband turned to face her, "Look, April. I-I am so sorry about what happened today. I...just. I saw you with  _him_  again and I lost it."

_April lunged forward, enraged, ready to smack the man she'd married. She only dimly registered the fact that he was pissed off too. His eyes were just as unrecognizable as her own, and he seemed just as ready to pounce on her. And it didn't even matter. April was that mad._

_She wanted to scream when she felt Jackson holding her back. Maybe he should just leave her free and let her lash out. Maybe this would show Matthew how much he annoyed her sometimes. _Maybe this would make her feel better.__

_But Jackson's grip was firm as he pulled her back from the brink. April turned to face him, still full of anger and ready to vent it and the person who was preventing her from releasing the rage. And she'd expected Jackson to be horrified. Look at her. She was practically snarling at her husband like a wild animal. How could he still love her? How could he love this? She wasn't the person he knew._

_Only April didn't see horror in Jackson's gaze. All she found was acceptance._

She still stared out into the yard, thinking hard about the man beside her.

Matthew.

Sweet, kind, gentle, Matthew. He was a great father. He was a great husband. He loved God. He was simple, wasn't he? April realized that perhaps he wasn't as simple as she thought. Maybe she'd just projecting an ideal on him all these years. Matthew, wasn't  _merely_  a man who was a great husband, loved God and was a wonderful father. He was that and probably much more. As complex as she was. Maybe he was as messed up as April too.

And  _that_  was almost certainly her fault.

"April?" Matthew pressed sadly. "Talk to me."

"I'm sorry too. I shouldn't have tried to hit you."

Her husband sighed, "Have you seen Jackson other times since we moved? I mean, other than this?"

She supposed it was time to tell the truth.

"Yes."

Matthew set his jaw and took a deep shaky breath, but didn't respond. They sat in silence until a short buzzing sound interrupted them.A text on Matthew's phone. April's hand flashed out to swipe the phone before Matthew could react. He stared at her wide eyed as she held the small plastic object in her hand.

"This'll be Terri, right?"

April could see the other woman's name on the id screen, but she didn't need it to know the truth. A part of her just wanted to hear Matthew admit it.

He looked kind of panicked, "I...we...It's not what you think. Terri just...she's easy to talk to, you know, and she helps me think and...she gets me. I haven't cheated on you. I wouldn't."

She finally turned to make eye contact with him and said calmly, "I believe you."

"You do?" Matthew looked surprised.

"Yeah," April handed him his phone. "It's nice to talk to someone who understands you."

He held the object in his hand and stared at it thoughtfully, "It is."

April realized how important that was now. She'd never really made that much of an effort to be understanding towards her husband. He tried to understand her far more than she cared to try with him. The most effort April had ever put into understanding another person had been for Jackson Avery. And that said something.

"I believe you too," Matthew said thickly. "Um, about not cheating with Avery. Even if you've been spending time with him, I don't think you'd do  _that_  to me."

April's eyebrows rose, "Thank you."

He gave her too much credit. He had no idea how close she'd come to crossing that line. She scooted a little closer to him, curiosity getting the better of her. "So, what do you and Terri talk about, anyway?"

Matthew blinked and shrugged, "Lots of stuff really. Just kind of about about life. We're really different, but we both ended up being paramedics. Terri thinks I should be more confident so she's always challenging me with like, these scenarios of cases we might get. Always making me try new things. She grew up in Hawaii, and she's not religious so we've had quite a few conversations about that and-"

He stopped short, suddenly aware of the way that his face and voice seemed to light up as he spoke about his partner. He seemed to come alive. He seemed to have joy. Something April knew she hadn't given him lately.

Matthew glanced over to his wife apprehensively, but she only smiled sadly at him.

"That's good. You like her. She obviously likes you. That's good for you..."

"No, it's not," Matthew shook his head and tapped his fingers nervously on the wood of the porch step. "I-I shouldn't be...I shouldn't feel..."

"Oh, Matthew," April reached out and slipped her hand into his. It was clear that Matthew was struggling with his feelings as much as April.

"Is it possible to love more than one person at the same time?" he asked sadly, relaxing his fingers into hers.

April nodded, "I think so. But your soul mate...the one you are  _supposed_  to be with, is the person you always love best."

Jackson appeared in her minds eye. In her office this morning, he'd told her that he loved her. Finally. After all the years of uncertainty, April knew that Jackson loved her. And honestly, hearing that from him, meant so much more to her than hearing the same three words had ever meant when they came from the mouth of her husband. Because that love, and everything about their marriage had always been a second choice. The lesser choice. The one that April had grabbed because she was afraid of being alone.

But in the past few months it felt like Jackson tore into the facade that was her life. She felt as though she and Matthew were on a sinking ship, helplessly trying to plug all the holes. Only now they were both tired.

April swallowed awkwardly. Her next question was a hard one, "Do you...do you think you might...love Terri?"

"I don't know? We haven't known each other long enough, I guess."

And yet, he'd claimed to have fallen in love with April at first sight. She pressed him, "But you could. You may someday. The seeds are there, I think."

"I'm sorry," Matthew whispered, squeezing her hand. "I do love you, April."

"I love you too, Matthew," she replied carefully. And she did. She just loved him different. "But I am not  _in_  love with you. and I don't think you are in love with me."

He was on the verge of crying. So was she.

"I love our family."

Sniffling, April agreed, "I do to. Jake and Lindsey are perfect. I love them more than anything. Because of you I have so much."

"But it's not enough?"

"It's not a matter of being enough. I mean, are you happy Matthew? Are you really happy? Because I'm not, and I don't think I have been in a long time."

Matthew shook his head, and wiped tears from his eyes. "No."

"I don't have the energy to pretend anymore, Matthew," April explained tearfully. She knew that she didn't. She was stretched too thin and the harder she tried, the harder it became to try. She was so close to snapping. She'd come  _so_  close to snapping, even today. April didn't want to be that person.

Sensing her tears, her husband wrapped an arm around April's shoulders, "I know..."

Matthew held her there, rocking them back and forth as they both cried quietly. They were both decent people. They'd never meant to cause so much hurt in the other person.

"So...what does this mean, April?"

"I don't know exactly, but we can't go on like this."

The magnitude of all their choices seemed to hit both Matthew and April at the same time. And it was clear that they couldn't go on. Their marriage was draining them. Making them into bitter pale versions of themselves. Keeping them from being the best people they could be.

And all April knew was that it had to end. Both she and Matthew needed to be free.


	11. Chapter 11

Jackson was still been pretty shaken up with everything that had happened to him in the past day. He'd found out his grandfather was dead. He'd found out his best friend still loved him. He'd  _finally_  told April that he loved her too. Then he'd gotten punched by her husband, and had to prevent April and Matthew from coming to blows.

The whole thing had left him exhausted and shaken up. Even more unsettling to Jackson was the fact that his texts to April went unanswered for the rest of the day and evening. He figured that she was trying to figure stuff out with her husband, but after revealing his love, Jackson felt a little left adrift.

What if April wanted him to take it all back? What if she didn't mean what she said? What if it was all too overwhelming for her?

At least Jackson had found some relief. He was able to glean some information about April's state of mind at work. Not that it calmed his fears.

_"Dude!" Alex Karev's head popped around the doorway of Jackson's Grey Sloan Memorial office as he sifted through paperwork. "Guess who's rugrats are staying at my place tonight?"_

_Confused, and not really in the mood to deal with the pediatric surgeon, Jackson looked up from his work, "Derek and Meredith's?"_

_Certainly wouldn't be the first time his co-workers's children spent the night. The ones with families always seemed to be doing things like that. Working in medicine was hard and demanded some odd hours. The kind of strong friendships they had a Grey Sloan allowed for a lot of mutual childcare help._

_Alex crossed his arms, "No! Why would you care if I watched Mer's kids?"_

_"I don't know Karev, you're the one who came into my office to tell me, and I have had a really shitty day so if there is a point to all of this, I'd appreciate you getting to it sooner rather than later, thanks," he pinched the bridge of his nose, tired, and uncomfortable after his unsettling day._

_First, dealing with the news of his grandfather, then April...and her husband._ _It was almost the end of the day and Jackson just wanted to go home._

_"It's Kepner! Kepner called and asked me if I could watch her kids," Alex explained in exasperation._

_That got Jackson's attention. His eyes widened, "Really? They don't know you..."_

_Karev made a face and rolled his eyes, "Hey! I've met Kepner's kids before. And it's not like I'm a freaking grinch or something. I work in peds. Kids like me!"_

_"At least someone does," Jackson quipped, holding back a smile before a thought occurred to him and he became once again more serious._

_"You'll have to keep an eye on Lindsey," he warned, remembering his encounters with April's energetic daughter. "She's excited about everything and thinks she's grown. You blink for one minute and she'll be off. And Jake...well, Jake doesn't talk much, but he's really smart and you should just kinda draw him out you know, because he's shy-"_

_"Dude, Jo and I can handle 2 freaking kids," Alex scowled. "I thought you'd be more interested in why April needs us to watch her kids..."_

_"Oh," Jackson murmured awkwardly._

_He kind of knew why, on some level. He'd seen April and Matthew nearly come to blows. After a fight like that, there would be a lot of issues still unresolved in the evening. And probably best 'discussed' without children around. He just hoped that they didn't fight. If Matthew ever laid a hand on April and Jackson heard about it he would-_

_"Word on the street is that her and Matt had a big blowout over at Bellevue Trauma..."_

_Though Karev's words sounded casual, Jackson could tell that the intention behind them was not._

_"Is that so?" Jackson tried to sound innocent._

_Alex was watching him closely, almost accusingly,_ _"Word on the street is that you were there, man."_

_Karev would never admit it, but Jackson had learned over the years that the shorter man was a real gossip. He had ways of finding out what was going on with people he worked with almost as quickly as there was news to know._

_"I was, but I did not-" Jackson's hands curled into fists as he struggled to explain. "I did not mean for them to fight. I'm not trying to make them fight. Me being there didn't have anything to with them."_

_"No? Then why the hell were you there? I thought you were gonna stay outta all that..."_

_"I was just-It's not what you think! My grandfather is dead and I went to see April because needed my friend."_

_Catherine and Jackson had not approved the final version of the Harper Avery Foundation's press release about his grandfather's death. They'd seen some drafts, but ultimately decided to wait until the next day to publish, when funeral dates and information could be included. Very few people knew that Harper Avery was dead._

__"Oh," Alex said awkwardly. His mood instantly seemed guilty for wanting to interrogate Jackson over April and Matthew's fight. "Crap. I, um-I didn't know."_ _

_"Just take good care of them, okay? Take good care of Jake and Lindsey. April's kids mean a lot-"_ _  
_

__So often he couldn't say what he wanted to say._ _

_Jackson loved April, so her kids meant a lot to him. Despite all the pain and wasted time they represented, (and they did; sometimes it physically hurt Jackson to think about it) he still worried for them. Somehow, when he wasn't paying attention they'd still managed to worm their way onto that small list of people that Jackson actually cared about, if only because he loved their mother._

_"I will, I promise," Alex nodded, looking uncomfortable. He swallowed and added genuinely, "Sorry to hear about your grandfather, dude. And...um, I know things are a little messed up between you and Kepner right now, and I know she's like your...'friend' or whatever...but-"_

_Jackson raised an eyebrow._

_"I'm just saying, you know...she's not your only friend. If you need to get drunk or something else," Alex frowned. "Just hit me up."_

_Jackson could see the sincerity in Alex's eyes. They'd held each other at arms length for a long ass time. Not really friends, one time roommates, occasionally enemies. Only willing to allow each other in on a tiny fraction of whatever feelings they were dealing with. Alex had practically guessed Jackson's feelings for April, which allowed a friendship to slowly grow while giving him some sort of outlet. But without Karev's guess, Jackson wasn't sure he'd have chosen to share._

_He didn't trust many people._

_But he realized he might trust Alex. If April could trust the man with her kids, Jackson thought he might be able to trust the shorter man with just a little bit of the pain of losing Harper._

_"Thanks, man."_

The next day after work, Alex and Jackson went to Joe's bar and drank and played darts. Mostly talking about sports and mundane things, but occasionally dipping into something deeper. Karev, it turned out, also knew the pain of not having a Dad who showed up to stuff. And of a family that expected nothing but failure from you.

Granted, Jackson's and Alex's backgrounds were different. As different as could be, all things considered. Even so, one thing was pretty clear. Rich or poor, feeling unloved was hard on a kid.

It was  _hell_  on a kid.

Jackson watched closely as Alex screwed up his eyes trying to line up his next dart shot. He bit back the smirk at the way Karev held himself and the face be made, because as comical as it looked, Alex's posture seemed to impact his dart playing. He was kicking Jackson's ass.

Then again, Jackson realized, it probably had less to do with posture and more to do with the fact that Jackson was pleasantly drunk.

Drunk enough to talk about his family and his feelings. Drunk enough to veer into even more private emotional territory. Jackson still had not received any sort of response to the text messages he'd sent Aprils way. He was reluctant to send more because he didn't want to seem crazy. He was reluctant to call because of Matthew.

Jackson knew she probably needed time and space to deal with the problems in her life.

But at the same time dammit, he desperately wanted to talk to April again. They'd finally  _finally_ been honest with each other about how they felt. About loving each other deeply.

_Loving._

And yet, that was the last time they'd spoken to each other. Jackson  _knew_  she needed time and space to deal with the problems in her life. It was just really freaking hard to give it to her.

"How was it with Jake and Lindsey last night?" Jackson asked carefully, still not quite loose enough to ask what he really wanted to ask.

Alex flicked his wrist and in a flash his dart sailed across the room, hitting the board just to the left of the bulls eye.

"Dammit," he hissed, reaching for the bowl of peanuts and walking Jackson out of the corner of his eye. After a beat Alex shrugged, "It was fine, Jessica and Lindsey hit it off. Taught Jake some wrestling moves. No trouble going to bed. April came and got 'em the next day."

Taking his own dart in to his hand, Jackson nodded, trying to hide his expression. "How was she? Was she okay?"

"Messed up. Um...not hurt or anything, but I could tell she'd been crying and whatever." Alex's words were measured, and he watched Jackson throw a lousy shot.

Not that he cared. Jackson was finally getting the information he desperately craved after a day of silence, "Did she say anything?"

"'Thanks for watching my kids, Alex'," Karev said throwing his voice into a high pitched lilt that tried (and failed) to mimic April's. "'You're the best! Door-Matt and I really appreciate it.'" He smirked, "I'm paraphrasing a little."

"A little."

Jackson rolled his eyes. Not the information he was looking for. He wanted to know what had happened with Matthew? Was April sad about that? Was she telling the truth when she'd said I love you to Jackson? Did it make a difference now that he had finally pulled together the courage to tell her that he loved her?

He  _had_  to believe that it did.

Alex took pity on Jackson, "She didn't say much. And I didn't push her to. She'd obviously had a crap day."

Thinking back to the huge fight that occurred between April and Matthew, Jackson couldn't disagree. "No kidding."

"But," Alex grabbed another dart and lined up his sights. He threw the small object and grinned when it sailed to the target. "She did ask how you were..."

Jackson's eyes widened, "She did?"

The idea that April cared enough to ask about him, even when her home life was hard, gave Jackson this weird feeling deep inside. It was all wrapped up in his fears and love and confusion. It made him want to jump in the air and laugh.

"Yes. Probably because of your grandfather. April doesn't know that I know...about him dying and whatever."

Barely able to take in his friend's words, Jackson was still in that weird place, a mixture of elation and admiration and relief. "She asked about me?"

"Yeah, I told her you were an idiot, but that's nothing new," Alex continued, taking a swig of his beer.

"Of course you did."

"She wasn't surprised."

Jackson snorted,"You're a funny guy, Karev."

Alex smirked and held his arms out in a gesture that was cross between a shrug and a bow, "I just call it like I see it. Let's get some more booze."

The night of hanging out with Alex did Jackson good. He could tell. The next day when he spoke with his mother and finalized funeral arrangements, she told him he sounded better. He felt a bit better too. Even if Jackson was still sad about his grandfather and confused and worried about April, at least he knew he wasn't alone.

And by the time April did finally respond to one of his texts, the following afternoon, Jackson did have some idea of what was going on in her home life. By the time she answered, he knew that April was thinking about him, at least. Not that her answer was all that illuminating. As soon as he heard the tell tale buzz of his phone, Jackson rushed over to his desk, excited to read that the message's sender was April.

He didn't know what he expected to find, but her response still threw him for a loop in it's brevity.

'K.'

He'd asked if they were still on for their usual Thursday lunch, right before he had to fly out to Boston for his grandfather's funeral. One letter answers were literally the worst. There really wasn't much for Jackson to go on there. Then again, he supposed that April was busy.

But at least Jackson knew he had the chance to see her soon.

Losing his grandfather left Jackson rattled, and after all these years, the one thing Jackson had learned in all of this was that April was someone who kept him grounded. More than any other person in his life. His grandfather had often made him feel inadequate. His mother made him feel irritated. His father made Jackson feel unloved.

But April?

April made Jackson feel like himself.

_Jackson stormed into the apartment, boiling mad about his fellowship interview. He dumped his luggage by the door and kicked off his sneakers._ _This was the very latest in a run of interviews that focused far less on his abilities and potential as a plastic surgeon, and way too much on the attention and special treatment that employing the grandson of Harper Avery could get them. And he hated it._

_Did he think that his grandfather would be interested in delivering lectures?_

_"Why don't you ask him your damned self," Jackson muttered, heading toward the living room. "He's the one you want anyway."_

_A loud and particularly resonant belch emanated from the kitchen, and made him roll his eyes._

_Karev was home. Great. Most of the time he liked the fact that he, April, and Alex had moved out of Meredith's house. It was quieter and lacked that 'frat' feeling and the sense that it was more of a train station than a home. The apartment April had found them was cozy and nice. He liked living with her. April liked to decorate and she cleaned and more often than not she cooked meals with enough food for herself an for both her male roommates. And, in general, Jackson enjoyed her company._

_Karev on the other hand...sometimes that guy got on Jackson's nerves._

_Catching the scent of fresh pizza in the apartment, Jackson turned and headed into the kitchen. Alex, unlike April, couldn't cook. But he did seem to know some of the best pizza restaurants in Seattle, and so as often as April made enough dinner for three, Alex ordered enough pizza for them all too._

_Jackson was hungry and frustrated from his interviews. He decided to take a food detour._

_Strolling into the bright kitchen, Jackson was surprised at the person he found sitting at the table with a bottle of beer and a box of supreme pizza. The burper he'd heard from the hallway was not Alex Karev, as he'd expected. Instead he was greeted by the sight of April deftly balancing a slice of pizza to prevent the toppings from slipping off._

_She froze when she saw Jackson and placed her hand over her mouth in horror, "Oh my gosh! Did you hear that?"_

_The tension Jackson had carried through the from his interviews seemed to melt and he couldn't quite explain why._ _He giggled, "That was you?"_

_"Excuse me," she apologized quickly. "I don't why...I guess pizza and beer isn't sitting well with me. But it tastes so good!"_

_"Whoa!" _Jackson chuckled.__

_April pouted and looked at her food sheepishly, "Sorry,_ _I didn't think anyone was home..."_

_Grinning broadly, Jackson pulled out a chair and reached for a slice of pizza, "I didn't know you had it in you." He gestured to the pizza box and beers, "I take it Mt. Sinai went well?"_

_Looking a little deflated April shrugged, "I think so. I tried not to be too much me. Left my binder in the hotel. But I don't really know."_

_He took a big bite of pizza and nodded, "Probably for the best. At least there's enough of you that you can tone down. All anyone wants to talk to me about in interviews is whether my grandfather would be willing to give special treatment to the hospital that gives his grandson a fellowship. They don't really care about me. I'm worth nothing to them without my last name."_

_"Oh, Jackson..."_

_April reached out and took his hand, squeezing it gently. Jackson stared for a moment, taken aback. It wasn't like they had never touched before. Hell, it wasn't even like they'd never held hands before. April was his best friend, and ever since the shooting, they'd had a physical friendship. They bumped. They smacked. They hugged._ _There wasn't anything particularly unusual about the fact that April had taken his hand. There really wasn't._

_Except for the warm feeling Jackson got in his when she did it. That was new. And he couldn't say that it didn't make him feel better._ _He briefly squeezed her hand in gratitude before pulling away._

_"I don't wanna talk about it."_

_"Okay," April agreed sadly, taking another swig of her beer. Jackson watched her fidget with the edge of the pizza box. He could just tell that she didn't really want to let the subject drop._

_"I know you wanna say something," he sighed. "But I really just don't want to-"_

_April leaned forward, holding up one finger and pleading, "Just let me say this one thing, and then I'll stop."_

_That face was hard to resist, so Jackson acquiesced. "Fine."_

_She straightened her shoulders and looked him in the eye, "You are worth more than your last name, Jackson. So much more."_

_It was like she'd poured every ounce of her own faith and sincerity into the words. With anyone else, Jackson wouldn't buy it, but in that moment he let himself believe._ _Even if all his fellowship interviewers cared about was Harper Avery, Jackson felt like he'd always have April in his corner._

_Jackson smiled faintly, "Thanks."_

_They ate in silence again before the sound of another belch filled the room as April covered her mouth again._

_"Oh God. Excuse me," her voice was muffled by her hand. "I need to stop eating this..."_

_Jackson threw his head back in laughter. It was one thing that April Kepner of all people even could burp like that. It was entirely something else how embarrassed she seemed to be over it. Either way it was pretty funny._

_So it was his turn to reach out and hold April's hand, "_ _If you want more pizza, you want more pizza! I don't mind. I won't tell anyone you burp like an old man."_

_April smacked his shoulder, "Jackson!"_

_"You are worth so much more than your burps," he teased, though his gaze held a note of truth. _"So much more!"__

_H_ _e knew April's confidence in herself wasn't always great. She was teased a lot and Jackson couldn't say that he had taken no part in that. He also knew that he could never quite figure out what to say to boost her in the same way she so often boosted him. But Jackson tried, sometimes with pep talks, or humor, and even the occasional reality check when April's rambling fears got out of hand. He didn't know how much any of that actually helped his best friend, but Jackson did try. He supposed that it was the best he could do._

_Try to help and hope that she understood him._

_Jackson wrapped his fingers around hers tightly. Their eyes met, and he could clearly see the flush of red that came to April's cheeks. She didn't pull her hand away, and he briefly registered that the moment had gone on for perhaps a little to long to be an ordinary 'best friends' kind of touch. But just as he started to question what it was exactly that was happening between them, something changed in April's expression._

_Still watching Jackson April bit her lip. He sniffed and chewed the inside of his cheek. It was like when you were a kid and you play the staring game with someone, trying desperately not to blink. Or giggle._

_In an instant they both lost their grips and burst out laughing. A very normal and friendly thing to do._

On Thursday afternoon, at precisely 1:30, Jackson arrived at Bellevue Acute Trauma, sandwiches and coffee in hand. By now, none of the staff was surprised to see him striding through the halls toward the Chief of Surgery's office. He'd shown up enough Thursdays he supposed, to become a regular fixture.

When he reached the door, Jackson found her office lights dimmed. April was sitting at her desk with her head in her hands, rubbing her temples gently. His brow immediately furrowed, and he moved to set the food on her desk without turning on the lights. She looked tired, and didn't look up when he sat down across from her.

"Hey," Jackson greeted.

April lifted her head, and he was gratified to see a small but honest grin spread across her face, "Hi."

"Are you alright?"

"Yeah," she said softly, wincing as she continued to massage her temples. "Migraine. Just waiting for the medication to kick in."

"You have migraines?"

He'd had no idea. Jackson supposed it was just another thing he could add to the long lists of changes in April he'd missed out on observing. Like the anger and the terseness and the cynicism that he was still surprised to hear and see. Sometimes, when they were together, he felt so at peace that it was easy to forget that ten years had passed without this close friendship.

"I get them sometimes," April nodded slowly, and waving a dismissive hand. "Since my head injury. Usually when I am stressed."

Jackson swallowed hard, letting a flash of guilt wash over him. She'd had migraine's ever since her head injury. The head injury he'd left her behind to deal with because if his own issues and cowardice.

He wondered if he seemed as different to her as she appeared to him. If April noticed things about Jackson that she was surprised to see. Probably a few, though he could admit that in a lot of ways his life wasn't the one that had changed. The differences between then and now were not stark. He lived in a better apartment and a few more board chair gigs, but other than that, he was in almost the exact same place in his life at 40 that he had been at 30.

Examining these past 10 years in Jackson Avery's life simply punctuated that intolerable state of immobility that Jackson had become so determined to shed these past few months. He was tired of being stuck. Now more than ever, he realized didn't have any more time to waste.

"Oh," Jackson frowned in concern. "Um...are you sure you're okay?"

She sighed ruefully, "It's fine. They were way worse back then and when I was pregnant with Lindsey. I took my pills. They'll kick in soon.  _This_  will be a piece of cake."

"Other stuff not so much?"

"No," April almost shuddered. "Not at all. But...that's...neither here nor there really. How are you doing?"

Jackson couldn't keep the smile from his lips as he slid a sandwich across the desk for April to eat. He felt like a love struck teenager, just knowing that she cared enough to ask. She loved him enough to worry about him in light of his grandfather's death, even when other parts of her life were clearly not going well.

"I'm good. Better than Monday," he explained, unwrapping his sandwich and taking a bite. "I mean, a part of me still half expects him to call and rant like he always used to. Sometimes he'd call me to ask for help learning how to use his phone or something. Or to gripe about his nurses. I think he'd even gripe about his memorial if he could." He grinned at the memories and joked, "'Jackie! Don't let your mother invite Gordon Bauer to my funeral! The man is a charlatan!'"

"So you and your mom are planning the funeral?"

"Yeah," Jackson shrugged. "What's left to plan. Turns out Grandpa had a pretty good idea of what he wanted...lot's of involvement from the Foundation, obviously. But for him, I am actually surprised. What he wanted is pretty simple. Biggest thing he stressed was that he wanted to be buried next to Grandma..."

Some expression Jackson couldn't identify flickered across April's face and she nodded.

"It'll be this Sunday in Boston," he continued. "I'll fly in tomorrow. Help my mom with some last details...home by Monday I think."

"I'm sure your mom will appreciate that."

Jackson chuckled remembering something his mother had said to him on the phone earlier in the week, "I know. She misses me. And I think Grandpa dying is getting to her a little more than she's letting on. She said in a lot of ways her relationship with my grandfather was the most enduring one with a man in her whole life. But she didn't even get any sex out of it..."

April laughed at that and nodded, "Well, it's probably true. It doesn't seem that she dated much after Webber passed away..."

"She hasn't," Jackson agreed. "My mother really loved him, I think. Since then it's been all about the foundation. Now  _there's_  a true love story if you ever wanted to see one."

They ate in silence for a few beats while Jackson watched April slowly, trying to decipher her expression. She still seemed a little off. Maybe it was the migraine, but like Alex said, April seemed a little messed up. Probably do to the fallout of whatever had gone down between her and Matthew. Jackson was just trying to figure out a way to broach the topic when April blurted a surprising truth.

"I'm getting divorced."

Jackson's eyes widened, and for a split second he had to control himself. Because hearing that April was divorcing Matthew? He had not expected that. He'd expected fighting sure, but not divorce. And his gut response was one of happiness, as terrible as that was. He was happy because April without a husband meant that Jackson had a shot at getting what he wanted. Sure, they'd made mistakes over the past ten years, but a single April made all of that moot in Jackson's eyes.

They both still loved each other. And now they could be free to explore that.

Looking at April's face however, Jackson sensed that this, as with everything about the two of them, was not so simple. She seemed to be in a state of shock.

He cautiously asked, "How to you feel about that?"

April tilted her head to one side, and seemed to consider the question carefully, "Okay, actually. Better than I would have thought..."

"So you are leaving Matthew?"

"No," April shook her head. "We talked. We both know this isn't working."

Again, Jackson had to control his excitement. It was almost too good to be true. Finally, April  _and_  Matthew could see what he'd known every time he'd seen them together. The marriage was clearly not happy. It was clearly a second choice for April, and given what Jackson had seen earlier in the week, it was also painfully obvious that the union was driving them both to toxic extremes.

It wasn't good for April.

"I am getting divorced," April repeated, still appearing a little dazed and starting to ramble. "The bible says you shouldn't get divorced. No one in my family has ever gotten divorced. Kimmie probably should but... _we_  just don't do that."

"Well, you've been the first in your family to do a lot of things," Jackson said. "You left Moline. You're the only doctor. The only one to win an award as big as the Harper Avery."

"Hmmm..." She didn't seem to take in his compliments. Instead she shook her head, "This is going to change my kids...it's  _already_  changing them..."

"Uh," Jackson swallowed. Since he wasn't a parent, he wasn't sure how much reassurance he could offer. "Divorce is a relatively common thing these days. I'm sure they won't be the only ones in their peer groups with divorced parents."

April didn't seem to hear him, "This is going to fundamentally change who they are."

"What?"

"I saw it once," April explained, wincing against her head ache. "On Oprah or Dr. Phil maybe...talking about the impact of a break up on families. A divorce fundamentally changes children."

"Well, growing up fundamentally changes children too," Jackson tried again to sound logical, but April only shook her head.

"See Jackson," she tried to explain, pointing to her chest. "I know I am going to be okay...I think I will even be happier at the end of all of this."

Jackson reached across the desk and held her hand. April looked anguished.

"But I'm afraid it's going to hurt them. And I don't think I deserve to be happy at Jake and Lindsey's expense. I shouldn't be that selfish, should I? Do we as parents actually have the right to do that?"

"I don't think Jake or Lindsey want to grow up with two parents who are miserable together," he comforted. "I know it's hard, but...sometimes kids can be better off."

As a child of divorce himself, Jackson supposed he could actually attest to that part of things. While he did feel some animosity toward his father, he realized that it had nothing to do with the fact that his parents were divorced, and everything to do with the fact that Warren Avery never made an effort to see Jackson again.

He sighed, "I don't remember my parents being together really. I was only three when my Dad walked out. But I do kinda remember my Mom becoming...different. She was sad at first, but then she got better. It seemed like she was more alive. And well, now Catherine Avery is a force to be reckoned with. We both know that...I never really thought about it this way, but I guess part of that is because of splitting up with my Dad. She's better off, and I am better off."

April bit her lip and shrugged, "That's a bit different."

"Yes," Jackson agreed. "But not so different. Have you and Matthew figured all that out yet?"

"We told them," she explained. "We decided they'll stay in the house. That's going to be home base for them. It's important for Jake and Lindsey to have that right now. I was sleeping on the couch but then Matthew thought that was unfair, so right now we alternate. We figure, once we get our own places, we an keep switching off at the house for a while."

Jackson's eyes grew wide as an idea burst into his mind. Suddenly everything seemed clear. He didn't have time to waste. They didn't have time to waste. And the opportunity was  _right_ here. Right  _now._  They could pick up where they left off. They could be together.

They could love each other the right way this time.

"You and Matthew are both moving out?"

"For now," April nodded. "Soon. I suppose I should start looking for apartments."

Immediately, Jackson shook his head, "You don't have to!"

He hoped April could see the opportunity too.

Confusion spread across her face, "I do. I need a place to live."

"You can live with me."

Maybe this was how it was all supposed to go down. Maybe this was the reason Jackson had been driven to reconnect with April in the first place. Maybe this opportunity was everything.

The solution was that simple. That perfect. That meant to be.

But April looked surprised, "No, I can't."

Jackson felt frustration building in his chest. Why hadn't she figured it out yet? What didn't the idea click in her head too? Couldn't April see that this was a chance? A chance to make things right. That wouldn't have even seemed possible a week ago. But now it was, and Jackson couldn't let the moment pass them by. So many moments where they could have come together had already past, and he was fearful that the universe wasn't going to provide them with many more.

"You should," he pressed in excitement. "I mean, you'll end up there eventually..."

Scooting her chair back, April pulled her hand away from his, and looking at him like he was insane, "Who says I will?"

"What are you saying April?" Jackson could feel his excitement turning to anger.

She crossed her arms and glared, "What are  _you_  saying?"

He tried to reign it in. There was a part of Jackson that distantly registered that he was coming on much much too strong. But the bigger part of himself wanted to just say fuck it. They loved each other. He and April still loved each other and that should have been all that mattered at this point.

How much more time could they possible spend _not_  being together? Time was finite. Years that rolled by couldn't be gotten back.

"April," Jackson tried to persuade her to understand. "We can pick up where we left off. Clean slate. I love you! You told me you love me!"

She looked at her hands and her voice sounded small, "I do."

"But you don't want to live with me?" Jackson concluded as disappointment seemed to run into his being like a freight train.

April pinched bridge of her nose at painful sound of his raised voice, "I don't know what I want!"

Jackson hung his head. Once, she'd only wanted him. Despite himself, Jackson felt his frustration grow. He was sick of wasting time. They'd already wasted a decade.

"You are getting divorced! You won't be a married woman anymore. Now we have a shot!"

"Jackson-"

"So then what, us admitting we love each other meant nothing?"

"I-I didn't say that..." April bit her lip, and closed her eyes.

He didn't realize that he'd stood up. Jackson leaned over April's desk, getting right in front of where her gaze would be, "Well then what the hell does this mean for us?"

April opened her eyes and glared. She was looking at him like he was crazy, "What does this mean for us? I still don't even know what this means for me, Jackson! I still don't know what this means to my children. I don't know! I haven't figured everything out yet! You can't expect me to just move in with you. "

The room seemed to have gotten hotter. The air thicker. Jackson remained standing, taking deep breaths and trying to calm himself down. He felt like something important was slipping his fingers yet again. And April just didn't understand. Or wouldn't understand.

It was maddening.

Once, Jackson would have walked out. Once, he would easily have just stood up and left. He kind of wanted to. Just to get away from the sinking feeling in his chest. But now he couldn't do that. He knew he shouldn't do that.

So he sighed and tilted his head, watching her carefully. "You need time."

April was still angry and defensive, "Yes!"

"I am not sure I can waste anymore time in my life."

That statement shut them both up for a long moment as they thought of the last ten painful years. Breaking the silence, April frowned and shook her head. It looked like she wanted to cry.

"I don't know if I can help you with that, Jackson. At least...not right now."

"Maybe we should talk about something else," Jackson sighed, slumping back into his seat feeling defeated.

"Okay," April mumbled skeptically as she hung her head and picked at her sandwich.

The conversation didn't flow easily, and Jackson left the lunch early.

He realized that perhaps he shouldn't be so crushed. April coming to terms with her upcoming divorce obviously wasn't something she would get through in a matter of days. It was selfish of him to be angry that she wouldn't move in with him. But he was a bit mad. He was frustrated. Jackson still felt stuck.

Sometimes you had to be a little selfish to get what you wanted.

* * *

In a lot of ways, getting divorced was much easier than April would have thought; maybe even easier than it should have been. Especially since she and Matthew were parting amicably. There were no arguments over dividing assets equally, or spousal support or custody. Both of them were more concerned with doing right by their children more than anything else.

Even the lawyer they'd hired was surprised by how well April and Matthew got along. She explained that their ability to come together to dissolve their marriage was highly unusual, and that it would speed up the process tremendously.

April was surprised too. After so many years of being frustrated with each other just below the surface, it was like a switch had been flicked. They could both now appreciate the numerous things they actually liked about each other.

Matthew would even make a good friend someday.

Someday.

Someday when this chaotic upended version of her life felt normal.

_April didn't know how long they sat on the porch crying that night._

_"We could separate?" she sighed after a long moment of silence. A part of her still felt that divorce was_

_wrong. When you got married, you promised before God, that would stay with the same person for the rest of your life. In good times and bad. In sickness and in health._

_April had not forgotten her vows._

_"That would imply that there is still a chance of fixing this," Matthew countered sadly as he squeezed her shoulder. "I don't think this is fixable."_

_They both knew it wasn't._

_She wiped her eyes and shook her head in disbelief, "Right. So...divorce."_

_"Yeah..." he replied carefully._

_"What will I tell my family?"_

_April couldn't imagine what any of her sisters would say, let alone her parents. Especially her parents. Her sisters each had their own set of martial issues. At least Libby, Kimmie, and Alice, might understand intolerable unhappiness. But Joe and Karen? They'd been married nearly 50 years. Very happily so. They were deeply spiritual people. April knew they would be disappointed in her and her failed marriage. Both Karen and Joe had adored Matthew from the moment they'd met him in Ohio. April never told them a thing about her history and feelings for Jackson. They had no idea that Matthew had been her lesser choice. April knew they would suggest that she and Matthew try every alternative possible to avert ending their marriage._

_They would suggest therapy, counselling, re-commitment. Anything, but divorce._

_April sniffled and held back more tears, "What will I tell my parents? They are going to be so disappointed."_

_Matthew quipped, "The one silver lining to my mom having a stroke is that she can't yell at me over this..."_

_Despite the situation, April chuckled, looking at her soon to be ex-husband sharply. It was the first time she'd ever heard him joke about Lynn's condition before._

_Smirking sadly, he shrugged, "It's true though..."_

_"Yeah."_

_They both stared out into the backyard. Matthew seemed to be thinking back to the memories he had of growing up in this house. Probably playing in this backyard with his now ailing mother and deceased father. She knew his father had died in a construction accident when he was 14. Though he'd explained that the accident was what had inspired him to become a paramedic, it was one aspect of his life that Matthew shared very little with anyone. Even April._

_"My mom would be disappointed too," Matthew said. "If she could understand...she'd be very disappointed but not so much about the divorce, I think."_

_"No?"_

_"I think she would understand," he nodded. "She'd want us both to be happy. She always...well, she asked me a few times over the years...she asked about you. She thought you were depressed. Especially when she came down and you were pregnant with Lindsey...she thought you were very depressed."_

_April swallowed hard, "Maybe I was."_

_"Maybe," Matthew agreed. "I probably was too. But uh, I know my mom would be disappointed in me. About today. For the way I behaved. I'm so sorry for what happened in your office, April. I should never have spoken to you that way. I shouldn't have gotten that mad."_

_"It's okay," she reached out to pat Matthew's knee gently. He didn't need to beat himself up over something that was probably for the best in the long run. "I was raging too. _Maybe we needed that."__

_"I guess_ _I was trying to hold on to this idea of us...because the idea is familiar and this? Splitting up? This is scary."_

_"Very scary," April agreed tearfully. "I mean...what are we going to tell the kids? How are we going to do this?"_

_Matthew sat quietly, holding his head in his hands and looking vaguely ill. When he finally spoke, his voice was stronger than he looked,_ __"I think we need to tell them the truth, as best we can, for as much as they can understand. As soon as we can. We shouldn't keep secrets."_ _

__April bit her lip, "I don't even know where to begin..."_ _

__"I do," Matthew said as he carefully took her hand. "We'll start with this: We both love them. That's not changing."_ _

A sound drew April from her sleep, and for a split second she was disoriented. Blinking in confusion at the ceiling above, she rubbed her eyes. April's head throbbed painfully. Her migraine's, seemingly dormant in recent years, had returned with a vengeance. Go figure. Choosing to get a divorce was freeing but also incredibly stressful. April shifted to one side, stretching her legs to the point that the hit something and realized she wasn't in a bed.

Oh.

It was Wednesday night, or more likely very early Thursday morning, and it was April's turn to sleep on the couch. She sat up gingerly, trying to figure out what noise had awoken her. The house seemed dark and silent. Sighing, April lay back down and closed her eyes. against the throbbing in her brain. She was nearly asleep again, when she heard the sound again.

Only this time she was able to recognize it. April was hearing some sort of furniture moving. Lynn Taylor's house was almost all wood floored. It was hard to miss the sound of something moving. Easing herself out of the bed, April padded barefoot up the stairs and down the hallway toward the sound she heard.

April yawned and squinted in the dim lighting. She found the door to the cleaning closet open, and her daughter standing precariously on her desk chair reaching up toward the Lysol wipes. April immediately frowned in concern, not least because it looked like the girl was about to teeter off of her perch, but because it was clear that the child was crying.

"Lindsey? Honey, what's wrong?"

The girl gasped and startled, nearly losing her balance on the chair. April immediately reached out the steady her daughter, and it was then that she got an inkling as to what had woken the girl up this late at night. Lindsey looked miserable, and her pajama bottoms were damp. The smell of urine was unmistakable.

She wrapped her arms around her daughter's shoulders, "Did you wet the bed?"

Flushing in embarrassment, Lindsey sobbed harder, and clutched her mother tightly, "I was gonna clean it. I didn't mean to! Sorry, Mommy."

Heart now aching more than her head, April hugged the girl close, and carefully led her to the nearby bathroom, "You have nothing to be sorry for, okay? Accidents are normal."

The little girl allowed her mother to slip off the soiled bottoms, "You ever have them?"

April turned on the tap and helped Lindsey to step into the tub for a quick wash, "Of course. When I was little."

She didn't mention that bed wetting was even more common for children going through stressful life changes such as moves, deaths, births and divorces.

Unusually subdued, Lindsey didn't correct her mother's implication about her being little. Instead she rubbed her eyes and allowed her mother to run a wet wash cloth along her legs.

Helping her daughter get clean, April watched the little girl in awe. Sometimes she took it for granted how lucky she was that Lindsey was here and okay, if occasionally a little rowdy. There were moments during her pregnancy when April hadn't been sure she'd end up with a healthy baby on the other side. She'd nearly miscarried a few times, but bed rest, a leave of absence from work, assistance from her mother in law, and a lot of prayer had helped April and Lindsey to pull through.

After Lindsey was clean and dried off, April held out her hand, "Let's get you some clean jammies and fix your bed."

Still a little teary, the girl nodded, "Okay."

Virtually all of April's attempts at conversation were rebuffed as mother and daughter worked together to change out her soiled bed sheet and blanket. Lindsey was a talker. She loved to chat. So the silence was unusual.

"Mommy?" Lindsey asked quietly as they finished up replacing the covers. "What if...what if I have an accident again?"

April brushed her daughter's blonde locks behind her ears, "Well, you can just come get me or Daddy and we'll help you clean it up."

"But what if I want  _you_  and you're not here?" Lindsey pleaded fearfully. "Like when...you said-you said soon only Daddy will be here some nights and only you some other nights. You're gonna switch? What if it happens on a Daddy night and I want  _you?_ "

The line of questioning surprised April, though she understood how hard this divorce and new life was going to be on Lindsey. Her daughter had always been more of a Daddy's girl. Jake gravitated towards April, while boisterous Lindsey adored the ground Matthew walked on. Not that they weren't a close family. April had plenty of girl time with her daughter and Jake and Matthew had their thing too. But more often than not, when Lindsey wanted a parent, she called out for her father.

"You can always call Mommy on the phone," April promised. "No matter where I am. No matter what time of day.  _Always._ "

Lindsey suddenly launched herself into April's arms and seemed to clutch her for dear life. It brought tears to her eyes and kissed the top of her daughter's head as the little girl started to cry again. She sank down to the bed, whispering into her daughter's ear. Guilt pulsed through her body. It was April's fault the girl felt this insecure.

"I love you sweetie. Want me to stay here with you till you sleep?"

Lindsey sniffled, "Yeah."

_Both her children cried when April and Matthew told them what as going to happen._

_Jake tried valiantly to stave off his tears while Lindsey balled openly into her mother's chest. First their grandmother, then moving to Washington, and now this. So much change to adapt to all at once._

_Never before in her life had April ever felt like a worse mother. Because she knew it wasn't really fair for them in all of this. None of it was. The problems Matthew and April had were there from the beginning. Easily identifiable if you really thought about it. Now it was clear that getting married at all had been a disservice to both of them. To April for settling and Matthew for accepting being someone's second choice._

_Because they'd both lacked the confidence and feeling of self worth that would have caused them to demand more from life._

_Then again, April mused, tightening her arms around Jake and Lindsey reassuringly, without her and Matthew's mistake and self delusion, neither of the two delicious people sitting next to her would exist. So she supposed God had a plan in all of this somewhere._

_And in that moment, Matthew was great with Jake and Lindsey._

_"Does this mean Daddy has to go away?" Jake asked sadly._

_"No it-"_

_The boy's grip tightened around April, "Then Mommy has to go away?"_

_"No one is going away. We might not all live together at the same time, but we are always going to be around."_

_Lindsey sniffled and wiped her nose, "I thought Mommies and Daddies were supposed to love each other for forever!"_

_"That's true," Matthew said earnestly, sliding Lindsey onto his lap. "And I will always always love your Mommy. Because she gave me you, and that makes her one of my favorite people."_

_April nodded in agreement, "It's gonna be different, but we will always be a family, okay? All four of us. Mommy and Daddy not being married anymore won't ever change that."_

_"Promise?" Her daughter asked uncertainly, while her brother leaned against April pensively._

_Matthew nodded, "Forever."_

_That night all four of them slept together in the big bed of the master bed room, with the parents on the far sides of the bed and the children between them. In one sense it was odd that the family would be this 'together' when they'd just decided and explained that they were going to be splitting apart, but for April, Matthew, Lindsey and Jake, this felt right._

_The events of the evening had been exhausting for all of them._ _Matt and Lindsey were already snuggled together asleep and snoring loudly. Fighting through a head ache, April was close to falling asleep, but she sensed that Jake was still awake and looking at her. She leaned forward and pressed her forehead to his._

_"Is it my fault Mommy?" Jake whispered seriously._

_"What? No! Absolutely not. Why would you think that?"_

_"I told Daddy about Doctor Jackson," the boy admitted guiltily. "About him being your bestest friend. I know I said I wouldn't, but you said he already knew, and it kind of just slipped out when I was talking about people in my drawing class and maybe that made him mad and-"_

_April cupped his cheek gently an shook her head, "No, no, no! This isn't your fault, Jake. I promise you that."_

_He seemed skeptical, but nodded._

_"Jacob? You hear me? I mean it," April pressed, imploring the boy to believe. "It's not your fault. You can ask me anything, you know?"_

_"_ _You and Daddy won't fight anymore?"_

_"I don't think so."_

_"And you'll be happier?"_

_"Yes," April whispered, pulling her son close. "I think we'll be happier just being your mom and dad than being each other's husband and wife."_

_Jake's eyes welled with tears, and he nodded, "Okay. I just want you to be happy. I want us all to be happy."_

_"We will be, honey," she replied as confidently as she could. "We will."_

Even though the legal aspects of this divorce were going to be relatively easy, April was already seeing evidence of just how difficult it was going to be on her children. It was changing who her little people were and how they looked at the world.

And  _that_  was all April could deal with. All she had the emotional space to handle. Jake and Lindsey's well being came before even her own.

Based on what had happened at their lunch, April was worried that Jackson didn't fully understand that. She didn't get how he thought she could just move in with him right away, like it as no big deal. Did she love him? Absolutely. She could admit that, and she had admitted that many times.

And to hear from Jackson himself  _finally,_  that he loved her too? That was one of the most perfect and overwhelming moments of her life. It was late, but as they say, better late than never.

There was a part of April, deeply hidden, that was still nestled in the warm feelings that his admission brought to her heart. In some ways it was the only part of her heart that wasn't anguished. But she couldn't think too deeply about that stuff right now. She had to think of her kids.

It was clear that the death of Harper Avery had impacted Jackson greatly. It also probably influenced his thinking when it came to her. April could even understand his point about time to a certain level. They  _had_  lost time. But it felt like he was being hugely arrogant and presumptuous about the future of their relationship and impulsive in his decision making.

 _How_  could Jackson expect that they could just pick up where they left off? Though it was not going to be dragged out, April's divorce wasn't even close to being finalized.

April felt her anger rise whenever she thought about it.

And where exactly did they leave off? Oh yes, mind blowingly satisfying but undefined sex in on call rooms between surgeries. Damn, she couldn't wait to get back to that ambiguity.

Not.

April was done with ambiguity.

If (and April was sad to admit that the question did begin with an if) there was any chance that she and Jackson could have some sort of successful future together when all was said and done, they had to stop jumping into things. They'd gone from friendship to sex to estranged at break-necked speed without ever properly understanding any of it.

You couldn't go from 0-50. April didn't want to. She couldn't skip steps again. Skipping steps  _never_  worked. She'd done it before with Jackson, and then she'd done it again with Matthew. It never worked. And there was really a part of her that was afraid to go all in with Jackson again. She wasn't sure it could survive another failure. And she needed to protect herself for her children. She needed to protect herself.

April didn't want to lose Jackson, but she also wasn't ready to risk her heart. Someday she would be.

Someday.

Someday when this chaotic upended version of her life felt normal. She could only hope that Jackson would still be there when that day came.


	12. Chapter 12

Jackson frowned as he carefully packed his grandfather's room at the hospice center where the legendary surgeon had spent his final days. It was a quiet sort of place. Peaceful. Jackson had visited there many times in the last year while his grandfather lived there. Every time he'd been in Boston, even though he grumbled about it.

Now Jackson wished he'd gone to Boston more. He realized that you really didn't understand what you had until it was gone. His grandfather had always been an important force in his life, whether Jackson liked it or not, and now the absence was palpable. His family was smaller. There weren't too many people left in the world that Jackson cared about.

Probably even fewer left that actually cared about him. And everything about that thought made Jackson feel lonely and small.

Half the time Jackson felt like he was holding back tears. He didn't know why it made him feel emotional. There wasn't really anything surprising or special in his grandfather's belongings. They were ordinary things.

Keys (God knew why Harper still had car keys; it wasn't like he'd driven in years), wallet and glasses. Uneaten packets of the man's favorite Starburst candies. Half read books and surgical journals. An unfinished newspaper crossword. A comb and old fashioned shaving kit. Three pairs of folded socks. All the little personal items his grandfather left behind.

Packing Harper's well worn slippers into a box had Jackson fighting back tears.

Catherine noticed her son struggling and made her way to his side, reaching out and rubbing his shoulders gently before pulling him into a tight hug.

"It's hard, isn't it, baby?" she asked sadly. "As old as he was, it kind of felt like we'd always have him around."

"Yeah," Jackson replied stiffly, pulling away, feeling uneasy about showing too much emotion in front of his mother. She was hurting too, and probably more, since Catherine was the one who spent more time dealing with Harper day to day. Jackson wanted to be strong for her. In case she needed support.

But his mother wouldn't let him step away, and leaned against his shoulders, "Oh, Jackson..."

_The funeral was hard._

_Warren Avery was nowhere to be seen. And that made Jackson pissed. How could the man not even come back for his own father's funeral? If not for Harper himself, but to comfort Jackson and Catherine in their loss. He didn't know why it surprised and vexed him so._

_It wasn't like Warren had shown up for his grandmother's funeral either._

_After turning around to scan the crowd one last time, Jackson shifted in his seat and clenched his jaws. What an asshole. This pretty much sealed the deal as far as Jackson was concerned. No way he was going to Warren Avery's funeral._

_By his side, his mother watched him sympathetically, reaching out to squeeze his knee just as the Chief of Surgery at Mass Gen stood the podium at the front of the room._ _The woman was standing right in front of a giant picture of Harper Avery in the 80s. Looking the way Jackson remembered his Grandpa when he was a kid. Tall and stern and severe. But also bright and intelligent, and at times quite thoughtful._

_"Harper Avery will be remembered in medical history as the man who changed what it meant to be a surgeon. He was_ _visionary. He was the very reason so many of us gathered here even went into medicine at all..."_

_Jackson swallowed hard and let his mind wander as he listened to the woman continued her eulogy for his grandfather._

_What would his own epitaph say? He realized it wouldn't actually say much. What impact was he leaving behind really? No big career achievements like his grandfather. No family to mourn him either. At least if his life kept going along the way it was. If Jackson couldn't get out of this holding pattern, his own life would be pretty pointless._

_"But, while Harper was a man of extraordinary medical talent, we must also remember that he was a man of integrity, intellectual inquiry, and of fierce loyalty to both his medical and literal family. He will undoubtedly be missed by all of his former colleagues and admirers at Massachusetts General Hospital, and at countless hospitals and medical schools across the country, but that pales in comparison I'm sure to how much his family members, Drs. Catherine and Jackson Avery will miss Harper..."_

_Jackson knew he wanted change. But he had no idea how to get it. He wanted a different life. He wanted April. He wanted a family. He wanted to go back in time a decade ago, to a hospital room, with a couple of cracked ribs. He wanted to go back and tell April that he wanted her too._

_He wanted to erase the wasted past ten years of his life._

_But if April wasn't ready to move on with him, if she couldn't even seize a moment that the universe had clearly offered up to them, Jackson started to wonder whether getting what he wanted was even possible. At least, whether it was possible with April._

_Time wasn't slowing down. The longer Jackson was stuck, the less time he had to get what he wanted._

_And if he couldn't have a life with her...he didn't really know if he had it in him to build that life with someone else._

"Jackson?" Catherine's voice pulled him from his thoughts. "Are you sure you're alright, baby? Let's sit down for a minute. Take a break."

He didn't think he really needed a break, but at the same time, Jackson have the energy to resist his mother as she eased the both of them down to sit on the edge of his grandfather's hospice bed. And while he didn't think he needed it, Jackson couldn't deny the sense of calm and peace that came over him as Catherine began to rub his back soothingly. Funny that even a grown man could find comfort in his mother's embrace.

Jackson had always figured that by 40 you were too big for that. Maybe you never really got too old for it.

"I'm fine, Mom," he tried to explain, though the waver in his voice did little to back his assertion up. "Just thinking..."

"What's on your mind, Jackson?"

"I just...with Grandpa gone and everything," Jackson shrugged. "Makes you think about the measure of your own life, you know? What you leave behind in the end...mistakes I've made. What would they say at my funeral?"

Catherine chuckled, throwing her head back in laughter. Jackson was confused.

"It's a little early to be thinking about that isn't it, honey? For you anyway. Hell,  _I_  am not thinking about dying yet and I am a lot closer to it than you are sweetheart... "

He smirked. Where as a young man his mother's boisterous and occasionally arrogant personality often got on his nerves, now Jackson found her bravado almost as comforting as her touch.

"Mind you," Catherine continued waving her hand in sweeping gesture. "I have  _no_  plans on dying anytime soon."

Jackson nodded, "Good."

"I have grandbabies to see."

He rolled his eyes, "Real subtle, Mom."

But considering her words, Jackson became pensive and scratched the back of his head. Catherine continued to watch her son carefully.

"So," she ventured, uncannily seeming to know exactly where his mind had gone. "How have you been handling things now that Kepner is living in Seattle? That can't be easy, given how you told me you feel and on top of us losing Harper. I imagine it's incredibly hard for you..."

He swallowed and looked at his hands. Despite her best efforts to meddle, Jackson had not exactly kept his mother appraised of either his intentions or his actions in recent months as they related to April Kepner. It was hard to break a near life time habit of actively trying to keep his mother out if his life.

Then again, Jackson kept a lot of stuff to himself. Not just from his mother.

"It's been kinda nice," he found himself replying, unable to hide the smile that came to his lips when he thought about the time he'd spent with April in the time since she'd moved back.

Sure, not all of it was relaxing exactly, but when he thought of the way she looked at him when he showed up in her office for their standing lunch nothing seemed to matter. No matter how weighed down she'd seem from her work and life when he knocked on the door, and no matter how nebulous and confusing the status of their relationship was at the moment, April was as easy to read as a book for Jackson.

She lit up when she saw him. And it never failed to make Jackson feel like a million bucks.

"Oh?" Catherine turned to face her son with a raised brow. "How is it nice? I thought you'd have a difficult time being around her. "

"Actually, I...um," Jackson admitted sheepishly. "I told her the truth Mom. Right after I found out about Grandpa. I couldn't hold it in anymore...I told her I loved her."

He rolled his eyes as his mother practically squealed and batted at Jackson's knee in excitement. But then Catherine's expression suddenly turned more serious. Suspicious even.

"Jackson, I hope you two know how to be discreet because the last thing the foundation needs so soon after your grandfather's death is a cheating scandal..."

Groaning and rolling his eyes, Jackson shook his head. Always back to the Harper Avery Foundation. Even when they were having a moment.

"We're not having an affair, Mom."

He didn't like to think about how willing he might have been to go there, if that was what April had wanted, but the fact of the matter was that they'd never crossed that line.

"Then what happened?"

"I...I've never told another woman I loved her. And it felt great!" Jackson vividly remembered the feeling of release that had accompanied his admission. "Grandpa was gone and she was there for me and...she gets me. I've never loved another woman. April still loves me. She's it mom. She's the one. Not like it's turning out to matter much. Us loving each other doesn't really make a difference unless we can make a change."

He'd never been one to believe the whole soul mate thing. Jackson supposed it was one of those things you had to experience to believe. Which was why he was so frustrated. How could it be that he'd found his one true love, only to find that there was always  _some_  obstacle in his way of being with her?

Catherine watched Jackson in confusion and shock.

He paused thinking of their last awkward parting, and the fight over living situations. "It's just...things are a little messed up between us right now."

Not fully understanding, Catherine nodded, "Because of her husband."

"Kind of," Jackson sighed, uncertain of how to explain. "Uh, well...she's getting divorced actually."

Catherine's eyebrows skyrocketed, "Honey, why don't you ever keep me updated on these things!  _April Kepner_  is getting a divorce? Jesus loving, marriage is a sacred vow before God, wanted to stay a virgin for the man she married, April Kepner is getting a divorce? "

"Yeah," Jackson nodded.

A sound came out of his mother's mouth that as half sigh and half whistle. The idea of April getting a divorce clearly surprised Catherine. Seemingly far more than the idea of Jackson and April having an affair. He chose not to dwell on what that probably meant about his mom's assessment of the situation.

"And she blames you for it? That's why you two are having problems?"

"No," he shook his head. "I don't think she blames me for her divorce. She might blame me for a lot of things. Some things I probably deserve the blame for. But I don't think April blames me for her that."

"Then why are things messed up? " Catherine pressed. "Seems to me like this presents a golden opportunity for the to of you to figure out exactly what you want from each other."

"Figure it out? What's to figure out?" Jackson felt the frustrated ball of anger uncoil in his gut as he thought about April's response to his invitation to move in. "I love her, and she loves me.  _We_ love each other. That should mean there's nothing left to figure out, Mom. We  _wasted_  a decade because we couldn't fucking figure it out. I'm over waiting. We already wasted so much time."

Taken aback, his mother tiled her head, "Honey...I don't understand."

"April could be living with me! I asked her to. She's moving out of her place anyway," Jackson explained bitterly. "We could finally get past all this wasted time and take the opportunity we have. The timing is wrong, I know. But timing's always been wrong for me and April and I am not sure it'll ever be right, so what's the point in trying to get it right? Why can't we just ignore it?"

"Slow down," Catherine scowled, seemingly trying to understand the rush of angry words coming from her son's mouth. "You asked her to move in? When did April decide to divorce? She hasn't moved out yet?"

"Well, they only decided to get a divorce Tuesday," Jackson admitted. Thinking back to the confrontation he'd witnessed between April and her soon to be ex husband,he amended,"Maybe Monday night..."

" _This_  week? You asked April to move in with you when she's only decided to get a divorce this past week? Jackson..." his mother admonished carefully.

"What? Why is that so crazy?" Jackson crossed his arms, trying not to sound petulant. "If she moved in, we could finally have a chance to get back on track!"

"Don't be foolish, Jackson. This is a difficult time. Getting a divorce isn't easy. It's a huge transition for everyone involved. Very emotional. I've been in her shoes and I think April probably wants to get her kids settled."

"That's what she said," he mumbled.

"Of course," Catherine patted his knee gently. "Honey...you don't understand. You're not a parent yet."

Jackson bit his lip, "Not going to be one at this rate. I'm not getting younger, and I think that's part of what I want. I don't want the only thing people talk about at my funeral to be my career. I want the whole damn thing! And if April can't get on board with that...I don't know..."

"Whoa whoa whoa. Hold up," his mother watched Jackson with pursed lips. "You just told me she's the one."

"I know! But I just..." Jackson shook his head. "It just frustrates me when I think of where we could be by now. If things had gone right before. We'd be married, and we'd have had all this time, and I just thought if April moved in and the kids weren't there, we could get to the way things are  _supposed_  to be. Without all the mistakes."

Reaching out at tapping on an empty metal box of Altiod's sitting on his grandfather's night stand (God knew why Harper had kept an empty box), Catherine eyed Jackson carefully.

"Do you blame April for wanting to take care of her babies?"

"Well," Jackson sighed. "No."

April had changed in many ways since leaving Seattle, but there were also many parts of her that were just as Jackson remembered.

Even as an intern, long before he was even aware of his attraction to April romantically, he'd pegged her as someone who would be a good mother. And from what he'd seen, she was an amazing parent. Jake and Lindsey were clearly very loved. And Jackson couldn't begrudge April wanting to make the divorce as painless for her children as possible. The fact that she and Matthew were both moving out of the big house and alternating spending weeks there, so the kids wouldn't have to be carted back and forth all the time, demonstrated that commitment to making it all as easy as it could be for the children.

It was admirable actually. It just made things a lot more complicated for Jackson's dealing with their mother.

His mother's next question surprised Jackson, "Do you blame her babies for existing?"

Jackson frowned darkly and looked away. He liked Jake and Lindsey. He really did. He cared about their well being more than he wanted to admit. But at the same time he couldn't deny that it would be easier for him and April if they weren't there. If the children didn't have to be taken into account.

Catherine continued, pointing her index finger toward Jackson's chest, "Because if there is any chance of anything happening between you two, you need to figure that one out. April might love you, but a mother's love for her child is something that can't be changed. Her and those little children are a package deal. Just like you and I were. Any man who resented you did  _not_  get to spend time with me."

"I don't think I do," he said finally. "Jake and Lindsey are wonderful. I like them...it's just, with them around, it's hard to ignore how much time has past..."

Taking a deep breath Catherine, shook her head, "Maybe some of this is my fault, Jackson. You know? Warren and I weren't exactly the best examples. And, well...I know about wasting time. Richard-"

She swallowed hard and Jackson slipped his fingers through his mother's hand. Even after a decade, it was still hard for Catherine to handle.

But Catherine quickly collected herself, "Richard and I didn't have as much time as I thought we did, and if I'd known it, there is so much I would have done differently...but it doesn't change anything if I dwell on it. Thinking about that only makes me sad. And thinking so much about your lost time will make you sad too, baby."

"Mom..." Jackson sighed.

"Honey, you can't ignore how much time has past," Catherine said sadly as she squeezed his hands. "You have to let go of the missed years. They were wasted, yes. You have to acknowledge and live with that. Feel the pain of that. You will never get that time back. It will never disappear. Even if she moved in with you tomorrow, it would not be a way to turn back the clock. Deal with what is coming or what is possible now. As a whole. Be present with the situation as it is. Including the lost time."

Jackson swallowed hard and looked around his grandfather's nearly empty hospice room. There was so much that he'd never said to his grandfather. Harper Avery was gone, and now he had to accept that those words were never something Jackson would ever be able to say. His Grandpa was gone.

And what was left behind? He tilted his head toward his mother, and smiled faintly. Maybe he didn't say things to his grandfather before time ran out, but he couldn't change that, or worry about what could have been different.

He realized that he could learn from it instead.

Jackson nudged his mother's shoulder, gently before pulling the woman into a tight hug, "I love you, Mom."

"I love you too, baby," Catherine crooned patting his shoulders. "And you know, I don't think this thing with April is as messed up as you think. I think it's just the beginning, not the end."

Maybe he was trying to push things along with April too fast. Letting her get settled and get her children settled was not missing an opportunity, even if it felt like it was. The real pain he felt about April rejecting his offer to move in, was much more about how desperately he wanted to erase the time that was lost. That was impossible.

It sucked, but it could be learned from.

And that's how Jackson found himself pulling up in front of Lynn Taylor's house in Bellevue on the following Saturday afternoon.

Moving day.

Jackson had come home from Boston feeling like he had a clearer head. Attending his grandfather's funeral and helping his Mom clear out Harper's belongings had turned out t be surprisingly cathartic. He'd taken his grandfather's slippers, some books, and all his mother's advice back home with him. It wasn't like his fears and frustrations were gone exactly, but Jackson felt as though he could better handle them.

Would he still love it if April moved into with him? Yes. But he couldn't keep thinking about it as a now or never kind of thing.

So here Jackson was, ready and willing to meet April were she was in her life right now. Not as it should be in some fantasy of his. Not as she was ten years previous. But right now.

And right now April was moving to a new apartment, so Jackson was there to help.

It wasn't the first time Jackson had helped April to move.

_Alex and Jackson sat side by side on the steps in front of Meredith's house, watching their roommate April, attempt to re-arrange the boxes and packages in her small car to allow room for yet another brown cardboard box. Beside her Lexie Grey stood, examining the crammed vehicle closely. The fact that the three of them were moving out was something that would allow the younger Grey to move out of the attic, so she'd been eager to offer assistance._

_"How much crap does she have?" Alex whispered out of the side of his mouth, watching as April tool a box from Lexie's arms and tried to shove it into the trunck. "We shoulda ordered a damn Uhaul. I did not sign up to get an apartment with a freaking hoarder!"_

_Watching April closely, Jackson scowled and nudged his friend, "Shut up, man."_

_"Maybe if I just..." April leaned across the backseat. "Give me a second, guys. If I can just move this kitchen stuff to the trunk, then I'll have room for all the books in the back seat and then I can put the bedding on top because it's so much lighter-"_

_"Okay," Lexie said, a little breathlessly as she walked up the drive way to join Alex and Jackson on the front porch. "You know, it wouldn't kill the two of you to be more helpful you know. I'm not even the one moving with her."_

_"Hey, I helped with the big stuff," Alex snapped. "Beds and desks."_

_Lexie rolled her eyes, "Well, that doesn't mean there isn't more you could do."_

_Jackson's brow wrinkled in thought as he considered the volume of April's belongings. Something didn't add up. More so than Alex and Lexie, Jackson had spent a lot of time in April's room at Meredith's house. It had never seemed over packed._

_"_ _How does she have all that stuff though?" Karev asked, shaking his head, as the wheels in Jackson's mind started to turn. "April lives in one room for crying out loud! "_

_"She kept some boxes in the attic," Lexie shrugged._

_Jackson's eyes widened as something clicked in his head. He used the porch railing to pull himself to his feet._

_"Chicks have too much stuff," Alex continued, pointing to the rows of neatly labelled boxes that April had set on the lawn beside her car as she rearranged the inside._ _"She has like two of freaking everything!"_

_"Yeah," Lexie agreed. "That is a little weird, but I bet you she's never run out of clean sheets!"_

_Box labels that read, "New Kitchen" and "Old Living Room". "Old bathroom" and "New Bedroom". New and old. New and old. New and old._

_At first Jackson had thought that April had packed and separated the new and old in preparation for some organizational scheme for their newly acquired apartment. New for their new place. Old from Meredith's place._

_But now Jackson was positive that wasn't the case._

_New and old._

_Alex snorted, "Virgin Mary's never gotten her sheets dirty anyway."_

_Jackson sighed and rolled his eyes at his bickering friends, and slowly made his way over to his best friend._

_"How's it going over here, April?" Jackson asked quietly, tilting his head and trying not to smirk at the contorted position April had taken on to try to jam a box into place._

_"It's...it's fine," she huffed, blowing a strand of hair away from her face. "It can fit. I can make it all fit."_

_"I don't know if you can," Jackson said. "We can put some of it in my SUV is you want? _ _ _ _I don't have quite as much so there's room...____ If you need all of it."_

_April bit her lip and glanced back at Jackson carefully. She struggled "I-I...I don't need all of it, I just-I can't leave her behind."_

_"Some of this stuff is Reed's, huh?" he ventured, leaning forward and cracking open the flap of one box. "From your old apartment?"_

_A small shudder seemed to pass through April's body and she nodded, "Her family obviously couldn't take everything or want everything. I mean, they took things that meant something to them, but what were they really going to do with her toothbrush? Or her old pens? Her waffle maker? I get that they couldn't take everything, but I just...it didn't seem right to-to just throw it all away when she..."_

_Jackson wrapped his arms around her as small sob escaped April's mouth along with the still devastating concept, "When Reed should be here. She should still be here."_

_Yes. Reed should still be there. And Charles. And everyone else who died that day. And even though nearly 2 years had passed, and even though the topic of the shooting wasn't the topic of everyday conversation anymore, Jackson knew it still weighed on April heavily. Hell, it weighed on him too. He just tried not to think about it so much._

_"Hey, it's okay," he shushed as the tears came harder.  
_

_Over her shoulder, Jackson could see Al_ _ex and Lexie looking on in confusion at April's sudden tearful outburst. He used his free hand to wave them away, so the other two residents stayed put on the porch._

_Trying to lighten the mood, Jackson added, "You still have Reed's toothbrush?"_

_"You think it's crazy?" April replied, as her crying finally subsided._

_"A little weird...but I still have one Charles's basketball's," he admitted. Jackson smirked and held up one finger. "One."_

_Something close to a laugh escaped April's lips then and she looked around at all the boxes by her car, "Just the one..."_

_"It helps me remember," Jackson explained. "It's okay to keep stuff that reminds you of Reed._ _Maybe not the toothbrush, but..."_

_"But I can't keep it all," April sighed, wiping the corners of her eyes. "It's not like she's going to walk back through the door and take the boxes to her new place. No matter how much I want her to."_

_"No," Jackson agreed. "But if you don't keep everything, it doesn't mean you're forgetting Reed. We'll never do that."_

_"Right," April bit her lip and surveyed the plethora of boxes one last time. She sighed and rested her hands on her hips before turning to speak address Lexie and Alex on the front porch._

_"Slight change of plans. I think I am gonna need a ride to Goodwill..."_

Jake was the one to answer the door after Jackson knocked, somewhat to his surprise. At their weekly lunch on Thursday, when April had accepted Jackson's offer of moving help, he was pretty sure April had told him that Matthew was taking the kids out for the day. And she planned to do the same for him when he made his move the following week. To spare the children of the potentially traumatizing experience of seeing their parents (partially) move out of the home.

But it seemed that all was not going according to plan.

"Oh, uh...hey, buddy," Jackson greeted amiably as he looked down at the small boy.

There were dark circles under Jake's eyes, but when he saw Jackson he still smiled shyly, "Hi Dr. Jackson!"

"Is your Mom around?"

"Yeah...Mom!" he called back into the house. "Your friend, Dr. Jackson is here!"

"Coming!" April's voice came from upstairs. "Just give me one second."

Jake stepped back, holding out one arm in a welcoming gesture that made Jackson smile as he tentatively followed the boy into the house. The entry way was mahogany, and Jackson saw that April had already stacked a few boxes in the corner by the door. He supposed it helped that she'd very recently moved from Ohio. He never had the sense that April had settled in to this place as home.

"How have you been, Jake?" Jackson asked, shoving his hands into his pockets and watching the quiet child has he carefully locked the front door behind him.

He was trying to remember his mother's words. Be in the moment. Think about this as a beginning and not an end. And remember that it wasn't just about him and April. Jackson cared about the kids too.

For a minute he worried he'd gone too far, given the child's lack of response, but soon Jake sighed, "Well, I have been better."

Jackson frowned, tentatively reaching out to pat the boy's shoulder, "Yeah...it probably really sucks right now, huh?"

"Did my Mommy tell you? Do you know...?"

"About your parents?" Jackson nodded. "Yeah, I do."

Looking at the picture broadly, he figured it was safe to assume that Jackson knew and understood far more about the situation between Jake's parents than the boy did himself. Jackson probably knew more than he should.

Frowning deeply, Jake looked at his feet, "Can I tell you something, Dr. Jackson?"

"Sure."

"I feel very sad."

The admission came in a whisper. Regardless of Jackson's own feelings about April and Matthew's divorce, he couldn't help but feel for the kid. He'd been in Jake's shoes long ago and perhaps it was a blessing that Jackson had experienced Warren and Catherine's split at a much younger age. He barely remembered what life was like before his parents divorce.

"You know," he explained carefully. "It's okay to feel sad. I felt pretty sad too. When I was a kid, my mom and dad got a divorce."

Looking up at Jackson, Jake's eyes grew wide. He reached out and clutched the edge of Jackson's t-shirt, "Your parents got divorced too?"

"They did. It makes you feel bad for a while," Jackson nodded. "But then, things get better. Someday you will feel better."

The boy's earnest brown eyes seemed to bore into Jackson's gaze, making him square his shoulders.

"Promise?" Jake asked, biting his bottom lip and wrapping his arms around Jackson's waist.

Surprised by the boy's embrace, Jackson tried his best to comfort the child, "I promise you won't feel sad forever."

"Dr. Jackson! It's been  _so_  long since I see you!"

Both males looked up toward the stairway to see April walking rapidly down the stairs, holding Lindsey's hand. Jackson couldn't help but smile, because despite how flustered and overwhelmed she looked, April was a beautiful to him as ever. Both mother and daughter's hair was pulled back into tight matching pony tails, with one carefully braided strand on each side, clearly still damp from morning showers. Lindsey quickly released her mother's hand and bounded down the stairs, much to her mother's chagrin.

"Be careful, sweetie," April called after her daughter.

Landing with her feet on the first floor with a thump, and her arms out stretched like a gymnast, Lindsey giggled and ran full tilt into Jackson, "I didn't fall."

"Hey Lindsey," he greeted amiably, taking his gaze off of April for a moment.

"I wasn't sure you'd come," April admitted quietly.

"I said I would help you move," Jackson shrugged, gesturing to the children at his sides as April joined them on the ground floor. "Although, I didn't know you also had two fantastic helpers already. You've been holding out on me April!"

That made all four of them laugh hard, and Jackson could tell looking at April and her children that the laughter was much needed. Jake and Lindsey's giggles filled the small space of the entry way, and he couldn't help but chuckle.

"Well, we don't have their fantastic help for long," April explained. "Matthew's running behind from because of a pile up. He should be here in a few minutes. And then these guys are off to Woodland Park Zoo..."

"The zoo?" Jackson enthused. "No fair. We better put 'em to work fast before they get too excited."

And with that the kids started chattering and flitting from box to box, discussing what animals they were going to see at the zoo. Jackson bent over and lifted the box nearer to him as April watched him carefully, her expression a mixture of bemusement and admiration.

Jackson smiled. This wasn't a missed opportunity at all.

* * *

April sat on the couch of her sparsely decorated apartment, with her arms wrapped tightly around an old threadbare throw pillow of Reed's she'd been unable to part with after all these years. The silence was deafening. She figured she could probably read or do some left over paperwork for BAT tomorrow. She could watch her closet.

Something.

Biting her lip and tapping her fingers nervously, April's gaze cast around the room, settling on her phone. She knew she needed to do  _something._

Anything that would get her mind off of the fact that she would be spending another night sleeping under a different roof from her children. Anything that would keep her mind from spinning out of control thinking of her own future.

_The first night in her new apartment was pretty much unbearable._

_April couldn't concentrate. She couldn't get comfortable. She wasn't hungry. She couldn't stop herself from worrying._

_Not that Matthew wasn't a good father. Not that he wasn't perfectly capable of taking care of Lindsey and Jake. He was. April completely trusted her almost ex-husband to make sure that both her children were fed, bathed, comforted, and happy when they were under his care. Honestly, in the course of their time together, April's job with trauma disaster response in Ohio had pulled her away from her family for long periods before. And Matthew had done a brilliant job back then._

_But this arrangement was so much more permanent. It wasn't a trip away for a conference, or a trip to a disaster site, or a serious of extra long night shifts. She wasn't simply away from home._

_'Home' in all of this, was going to end up having a different meaning for all of them._

_April and Matthew were getting a divorce, and so it meant that there were always going to be times when April's children would go to bed in a different place without her to read to them, kiss them, or sing them to sleep._

_And that made her want to curl into a ball and cry._

_Although she knew that the divorce was the right thing for their family, it didn't made April feel like she was being the best mother she could be._

_What if Jake couldn't sleep and needed her to lay with him and talk about the worries that kept him awake? What if Lindsey did have another accident? What if one of them got sick?_

_April would have a hard time forgiving herself if something happened. Then again, since the whole mess of her life was largely April's own fault, she wasn't sure she even deserved to be forgiven for any of it._

_The buzz of her phone made April leap up from her place on the couch. A video call from Matthew._

_The worries spinning around her head increased ten fold. What if the house got robbed? What if there was a fire? What if Matthew's cooking gave the kid's food poisoning?_

_"Hello?" April said urgently, peering into her phones camera and waiting for the image of Matthew to appear._

_"Good night Mommy!" Jake and Lindsey's smiling faces filled the small phone screen as they half giggled and half sang into the speaker of the phone their father held._ _"Good night Mommy! Good night Mommy! We're going to bed right now!"_

_Lindsey nodded firmly and added with a squeak, "Right now!"_

_April beamed at the sight of her two babies and tried to hold back the tears that sprang to her eyes, "You all ready for bed?"_

_"Yes," Jake answered seriously. "We brushed our teeth, read a story, and Daddy even made us take a bath."_

_Matthew turned the phone around for a split second, grinning proudly and giving the screen a quick thumbs up._

_"Awesome," April said quickly, trying to keep the quiver from her voice._

_"Daddy said there's just one thing we forgot before we go to sleep!" Lindsey leaned forward, a little too close to the camera, so her face took up most of the screen and was a little out of focus. "We gotta say good night and we love you to Mommy!"_

_"That's very thoughtful, you guys."_

_Matthew's turned the phone again and smiled kindly, "Well, we figured we call. Good night Mommy and we love you very much!"_

_April sniffed and nodded, "Thank you, Matthew."_

_"Anytime."_

_"Night Mommy!"_

_As soon as the call disconnected, April burst into tears. It was nice to see Jake and Lindsey and Matthew, but clear that the three of them were getting along just fine without her. And that also made her feel superfluous and as lonely as ever._

April had hoped that after nearly a month of alternating spending weeks at the house with Matthew, she'd be used to the weeks when she lived at her apartment alone. And it was only for 7 days. Sometimes she could even schedule herself in for extra shifts at Bellevue Trauma so that the weeks she wasn't with the kids, April was at work for most evenings. That helped. And it gave her more time to actually spend with Jake and Lindsey in the waning days of their summer break, on the weeks she did have them.

The strategy to dealing with this new situation was working.

However, the 5th year residents were all itching to flex their new privileges to take the lead, and in April's teaching experience over the years, she'd found that they were much less flustered to do so with the boss hovering over their shoulders the whole time. Add to that, as Chief of Surgery and staff, April generally encouraged people to maintain a healthy work life balance.

Burnout was a real problem in her line of work, since trauma surgeons and thus a trauma center saw the worst of the worst when it came to injuries and patients who were initially treated and stabilized at Bellevue Acute Trauma often still had complications after transfer to Grey Sloan Memorial. Many still died.

So April tried to create an atmosphere that valued mental and spiritual health in the work place as much as medical expertise or medical skill. It improved morale and minimized mistakes. But, on the weeks April was without her children, she wished it wasn't the way she ran her hospital.

Because when she tried to schedule herself for 18 hour shift for more than 3 days in a row, April looked like a total hypocrite.

Using work to cope could only take April so far.

April blinked and reached for her phone.

When she couldn't cope, she'd taken to keeping busy by calling her friends. And often, by calling Jackson. She'd been living in Seattle for nearly 4 months and despite all the continuing upheaval in her personal life, April enjoyed reconnecting with her old friends from residency. Owen, Meredith, Alex, Arizona and Callie were all kind and sympathetic when they found out about her divorce.

And Jackson, of course occupied many of April's thoughts. Particularly when she was by herself. Or doing anything really. Their lunches and phone conversations were like God sends. Jackson made April feel better.

He was surprising and just about as unpredictable as he'd ever been. Back when they'd originally been..whatever it was they had been all those years ago, April had felt like Jackson would go hot and cold on her. One minute they were hot and heavy in an on call room, talking about weddings with butterflies and the next she'd watched Jackson walking away, leaving her in the cold Seattle evening.

Then again, from Jackson's perspective, April understood that her own behavior back then was also pretty damn confusing.

Now, April had been certain that Jackson would go cold on her again.

She'd seen the disappointment on his face when she declined his invitation to move in with him. Felt the awkwardness seep into their conversation during the rest of that lunch. Of course, it didn't make April want to change her mind. She knew she had to make the right decision for her children and for herself. But it did make her fear that Jackson, despite his declaration of love for her, would back off from her or move on.

That was the impression she'd had when he traveled to Boston for his grandfather's funeral.

Not that April could really blame Jackson for wanting progress in his life. Patience was a hard virtue for anyone to master, let alone someone who'd waited ten years holding in a feeling so important as loving someone. And oh, how it pained April to think, how exactly things would be different if Jackson had been in place to tell her he loved her years ago. But that wasn't really worth dwelling on at this point.

He felt like he was wasting time in his life. And maybe he needed to.

But then Jackson had shown up the following Thursday, after the funeral, for their regular lunch date. Offering to help April move into an apartment that wasn't his. Offering to wait for her, even when his own life felt stuck.

To April it seemed...well, it seemed like a sudden temperature change.

_"You really mean it? You want to help?" her jaw hung open._

_Chuckling Jackson, nodded and took another bite of his turkey sandwich, "Yeah, of course."_

_April's eyes narrowed in disbelief as she watched him chew his lunch. This was quite the change of tune._

_"Are you sure?"_ _To be perfectly honest April had not expected Jackson to make their lunch date this week._

_"I am."_

_"But last week you wanted me to move in with you."_

_He smirked and held up his hand, "I still do. But_ _I get it. I know you're not ready. I will be here when you are, and u _ntil then, I am here as your friend."__

_"Really?"_

_"Absolutely."_

_April frowned and took a careful bite of her lunch, "What happens when we get to 'then'? I don't-I don't really know what we are. Where can we go from here? What are we doing?"_

_She knew Jackson loved her. And she loved Jackson. But now April understood that they'd probably loved each other all along. But it hadn't been the silver bullet that solved all their problems. She wasn't positive it would be now either. April felt like her very existence was in a strange state of flux._

_Jackson's grin never left his face, "We're being ourselves. Maybe moving in together is too fast, but that doesn't mean we're at an impasse. This can be a beginning. I think w_ _e should date. When the kids are settled. When you get settled. When you are ready."_

_April was speechless. He wanted to date? After all that had happened between them, Jackson wanted to date._ _The idea seemed both too small and too simple yet comfortable and just right._

_Glancing at the clock on her desk, Jackson started to clean up his meal and gathering his things. Their lunch was nearly at an end. By the time he was in the doorway, April still had not found any words._

_Jackson didn't seem to mind._

_He just looked at her and tilted his head to one side, "Think about it. See you on the weekend."_

_"Uh...okay."_

And April had thought about Jackson's suggestion. She had thought about dating him.

A lot.

Both back as a resident and now as a divorcee. April thought of being with Jackson Avery a lot of the time. Far more than she'd given him any indication of. And most especially in the times when she was alone, in her near empty apartment.

Taking her phone into her hand, April turned the plastic object over and over against her palm.

There was no handbook she could turn to that explained how exactly one is supposed to act when getting a divorce and trying to recapture some sort of relationship with an old flame. Heck, April had tried to find one. She'd poured over the internet for information on life after divorce. For herself as much as for her children.

And the fact of the matter was, there was no consensus about much of anything.

When it came to dating again after divorce, some experts said that time was of the utmost importance. Jumping out of one relationship and into another, according to those blogs was not the most emotionally healthy thing to do. Supposedly you still had stuff residual mental stuff to handle with your spouse and that stuff clouded your mind and made your prone to making bad choices.

Then again, that description sounded to April to be far more similar to what had happened after Jackson's rejection and abandonment had caused her to accept Matthew's proposal. Her marriage was more the bad rebound relationship from Jackson than it seemed a relationship with him would be now after breaking away from Matthew.

Jackson was the one for whom April still held a lot of residual feelings and love for.

There really was no rule book for any of this. For anyone.

_"Okay, so Jake has his last drawing class this week," April explained to Matthew flicking through the family calendar on her phone. "Make sure he takes his sketch book and his old drawings with him. They'll be making them into a portfolio."_

_Matthew nodded and tapped the information into his own smartphone, "Got it."_

_It had become a sort of ritual between them when they traded spaces taking care of their children each week. Even after nearly a month, the arrangement still felt a little hectic, but both April and Matthew agreed it was best for Jake and Lindsey. They were learning to handle it as best they could._

_"Anything else?" Matthew teased. "Dental appointments? Cooking decrees? Cleaning exorcisms?"  
_

_April chuckled, "Well it wouldn't hurt for the living room not to look like a bomb went off in there every time it's my week..."_

_"Ah, but fort building is so much more important than cleaning," he said, slipping his phone back into his pocket. "Especially now."_

_"I guess."_

_April gathered her travel pack and moved toward the front door. Matthew lingered awkwardly in the entry way, holding his hands in front of his chest nervously._

_"Well, uh..."_

_She raised an eyebrow in confusion. "What is it, Matthew?"_

_His face scrunched up, the same way it always did when he was afraid or uncomfortable about the topic of conversation. The same way Jake's did when he had to fess up to sticking his finger into a bowl of pudding April had left to set in the fridge. The same way Lindsey looked when she had to explain that she'd accidentally kicked a hole in her bedroom wall while trying out a new gymnastics room in the house._

_It was a look April knew all too well._

_"I...I, uh," Matthew pointed his fingers to the ceiling. He let out a sound that was as much a laugh as it was a sigh, "I think I need to tell you something..."_

_"Go ahead," she replied, leaning against the wall and willing her former husband to just spit it out for the love of God. Leaving the house alone and the kids behind was hard enough when April did it quickly. She could just make out Jake and Lindsey's laughter as they watched TV in the nearby living room. They seemed to be adjusting to the new normal with relative ease._

_It was harder on April._ _The longer she stayed, the harder it was to leave them._

_"I, um...well, Terri and I aren't partners at work anymore."_

_Confused, April shifted her head from side to side, "Okay...I'm sorry."_

__"Don't be,"_ Matthew grinned and a flush came to his cheeks. "We requested it. So we can try going out with each other."_

_"Oh," she swallowed and ducked her head, scratching the back of her ear._

_April wasn't sure why it came as such a surprise to her. As briefly as she'd seen Terri and Matthew together, it was clear to even April that there was potential between the two._ _She'd practically suggested as much the night she and Matthew decided to split. This should not have caught her off guard. _ _  
___

_But it all seemed so fast._

_He winced, "Is that okay?"_

_"You don't need my permission Matthew."_

_"I'm sorry," Matthew mumbled, sensing her discomfort and hanging his head. "I shouldn't be talking about this with you. I just...I thought you deserved know. To hear it from me."_

_"No," April shook her head, taking a deep breath. "It's-it's okay. That's good. That's good for you."_

_"You don't think it's too fast?"_

_She opened her mouth and licked her lips. Sometimes she forgot how naive and inexperienced Matthew had been when they'd gotten married. They were both not used to relationships, but April was the wiser of the two. She had been his first real girlfriend. April was Matthew's first everything. And the trajectory of their own ill fated union wasn't exactly typical. Who was she to judge?_

_"Do you feel like it is?"_

_Matthew shrugged, "I don't think so. I am excited. Nicole found out and she said I might be jumping in to something to quick and then I started to think about how it will look to people...I mean, the divorce isn't even all the way finalized and I...it just made me wonder."_

_But then what path to any relationship was typical? Typical was overrated._

_"Uh," April blinked. "Well, I think whatever speed the two of you are comfortable with is probably the speed you should take..."_

_Matthew looked immensely relieved, and he nodded vigorously, "Right. Okay. Okay...thank you."_

_Hoping that this would be the last time she ever had to give her ex relationship advice, April cleared her throat and reached for the door, "Well, good luck with that...I'm-I'm just gonna go-"_

If Matthew felt comfortable enough to move on, why did April still have reservations?

April supposed that the one thing she was most frightened of was dealing with the fallout of trying something with Jackson and having it crash and burn once more. She didn't want to hurt him again, and she was pretty sure that she couldn't handle another failed relationship with the man she loved.

The love that April felt for Jackson was the kind that you felt for your soul mate. She understood that now. If she couldn't muster that kind of feeling for someone like Matthew, (and she'd proven to herself that that was completely impossible) then there was no way she'd ever get to that place with anyone else.

Jackson was  _it_  for April.

Her heart was reserved for Jackson. And also breakable. Shatterable, even, if Jackson went cold on her again.

And that was scary.

Maybe she was just over thinking everything. April's mind always tended to spin out when she had too much time on her hands and no one or nothing to occupy it. Life was always easier for her on the weeks she had the kids.

The sound of her phone ringing in her hand made April jump and gasp in shock. Looking at the name on the ID screen, her lips curled into a smile.

Jackson. He had a knack for calling right when she was think him.

April pressed the screen and tried to sound enthusiastic, "Hi!"

"Hey," he replied with evident excitement but also clear compassion. "How's it going tonight?"

"Well," she sighed. "I haven't gotten a goodnight call, so I think that means Matthew, Jake, and Lindsey fell asleep in a living room fort."

"Sounds fun."

"It probably is..." April swallowed. "I think they are just getting used to the new arrangement."

"That's good, isn't it?"

"It is...and I know it's only for a week at a time, but I miss them Jackson."

"I know. You'll see them soon though. You can have your own fort time."

Jackson understood that it was hard for April on nights when she was away from her children. They'd had many an evening conversation during her 'off' weeks. And he always made an effort (with varying degrees of success) to improve April's spirits. And that meant a lot to her.

"Ha," April chuckled. "That's true. I'm not as good at that kind of stuff though...Matthew's always been better at being goofy."

"Practice makes perfect," Jackson joked. "And there's no time like the present to learn."

The wording stood out to her. Aprils' brow furrowed. No time like the present.

She'd spent much of her life with her mind focused on places other than the present. In high school she'd been focused on getting into college. In medical school, April had looked ahead to residency. When her children were born she looked toward each impending would they walk, when would they talk, when would they sleep through the night? Often in moments of frustration or irritation in her marriage, April had looked back at her good memories with Jackson.

April had spend a lifetime wishing away her present. Even right now, in this very moment of in her apartment, her 'off' week from childcare, her moment of comforting contact with Jackson, April had been wishing for time to go faster.

The present was now. And April realized she'd reached a crossroads.

"April?" Jackson pressed after a long pause. "Are you still there?"

What she'd said to Matthew about timing was equally applicable to April and Jackson. Would trying to date be too fast? Only if she and Jackson felt it was. Dating was a step. And it was probably the right step. If there even was a right step.

The prospect of a date with Jackson was at the very least something April realized was comfortable with at this point. It wouldn't have a month ago, any more than the invitation to move in, but something had definitely changed in the past month.

And it wasn't anything she'd have thought it was. April wasn't certain her children were completely okay. She wasn't certain that she was completely okay.

All she knew was that she felt better. She felt comfortable.

And maybe in situations like this, being comfortable made something right.

"Uh yeah..." April replied. "I am. I'm here."

Jackson sighed, "Okay. You just went quiet there for a minute."

The comfort she had with the idea of dating, didn't negate the level of anxiety April felt related to Jackson. Not at all. Considering their track record,  _her_  track record when it came to all things love and romance, there was plenty of reason to be afraid. She seemed to suck at it. She had failed miserably in that aspect of her life.

She could easily fail again and then-

April blinked and shook her head. Her mind was not good at staying in the present.

She took a deep breath, "I've been thinking about what you said..."

There was no way to predict the future, no matter how many possibilities you considered in your mind. There was no way to guarantee that April would never have a broken heart again. No way to ensure that everything would work out.

It was unrealistic to expect things to work out perfectly. A fool's errand to attempt to avoid all risks. 

Jackson's voice was light and playful, "About learning to be goofy and building forts?"

"No," April shook her head, realizing that her mind was in a totally different place from the present conversation. Jackson was still on the topic of one of her children's favorite pastimes.

"Actually, I've been thinking about dating. About us dating. About us going on a date."

"Oh!" he was clearly taken off guard, but as he continued to speak April could just hear the smile in Jackson's voice. "Really?"

"Really."

"And that's something you want to do."

"I think it's something I'm  _ready_  to do." She swallowed, and added nervously, "At least, I'm ready if you are..."

At this stage in her life, April realized she had to let go of some of her attempts to control the outcome of her love life. Plans didn't matter. They didn't mean anything.

Jackson laughed," Oh, I'm ready."

April grinned too. "Good. We should probably plan something then..."

Sometimes you just had to take a leap of faith.


	13. Chapter 13

Jackson's plan for April's first date involved roses, formal dress wear, lobster, and a fancy restaurant.

He'd take her to one of the best seafood restaurants on the Seattle waterfront, buy her the best meal that his considerable fortune could afford, and do all the things he  _should_  have done for April years ago. Jackson and April had never actually gone on a real date. He'd never pulled out her chair for her or gotten her a bouquet of flowers. He'd never proudly walked into a restaurant with April on his arm for all the world to see.

Not that Jackson had never wanted to do those kinds of things for April. It had just taken him a  _long_  time to figure out that he did and how to ask.

Finally, his opportunity was here and Jackson was excited. He wanted to use the night to show April how much he loved her, by treating her like she was the most important person in the world. And in a lot of ways, in Jackson's own world at least, April was the most important.

So, his plan involved all the finest things he could think of. All the best things his Avery money could buy. Caviar, fine wine, luxury chocolate. However, the reality turned out to involve bowling pins, bowling shoes, and greasy nachos.

Plans, it turned out, were sometimes very difficult to keep. And sometimes, the things that happened instead of the carefully crafted plans you had to begin with, could be ten times more satisfying.

_"So..." Jackson whispered into his cellphone, almost seductively, which neatly covered up his nerves. "7 o'clock."_

_"7 o'clock," April parroted, sounding as excited as him._

_"I'll pick you up."_

_"Okay."_

_Even though it was unnecessary, he pointed his finger in the air, "Dress nice."_

_"Got it. I'll do my best, I suppose," she chuckled. "I'll be changing at work..."_

_Picturing April, Jackson grinned. He couldn't remember feeling this happy in a long time. It was like he'd spent years of his life living in a hazy fog. It wasn't exactly a dark time, but upon emerging into something else, Jackson could feel the difference. He felt lighter. Happier. Luckier. In the week since they'd decided to go on a date, he'd talked to April more now, they saw each other more, and even though they were approaching a first date, Jackson didn't feel nervous about it._

_It was one of the best weeks of his life._

_"I'm not worried. You always look really nice."_

_He heard April's voice catch briefly before she teased, "You're just trying to suck up now."_

_Jackson was pleased to know that he still had that sort of effect on the woman that he loved. He whispered, "Is it working?"_

_The only answer he got was a giggle, and really? That was enough. He felt like nothing could go wrong. The smile on his face was big enough to make his cheeks hurt. And it didn't disappear even long after the phone call ended._

_Jackson was still grinning behind his surgical mask when he joined Callie in the OR._

_"Someone is awfully smiley today," she commented, g_ _iving a vigorous twist to shift their patient's hip back into alignment. Even with every part of her expression except her eyes hidden by her mask, it was clear that the woman was looking to meddle._

_Setting up to work on a laceration on the man's upper arm, Jackson tried to play it cool, "I'm just having a good day, that's all. Nothing to see here."_

_"Uh huh."_

_Callie didn't seem to buy any of his nonchalance, "Any particular reason you're having a good day, Avery?"_

_"I'm not allowed to just have nice day?" Jackson replied stiffly, beginning to treat the man's arm. "You'd rather I have a crappy day?"_

_"Don't get me wrong," she back tracked, chuckling in amusement. "I am a big fan of smiley Avery. He beats brooding Avery hands down. It's just_ _I've worked with you for over a decade Jackson, and broody Avery is the one I'm more familiar with. It's like groundhog day. Smiley Avery doesn't come out without good reason."_

_Jackson rolled his eyes. It was weird because Callie was talking to him and about him but at the same time, as though he wasn't there._

_"I don't brood."_ _At least, he didn't want to admit that his moods were that easily identifiable by his coworkers._

_Callie threw her head back and laughed, "Right."  
_

_He remained adamant, "I don't."_

_"Fine. And this 'nice day' you're having wouldn't have anything to do with Kepner's divorce, would it?"_

_Jackson kept his head down, because he was unable to suppress the smile and the faint blush that appeared on his face. "No, it would not."_

_Not just anything. Everything._

_He was a very private person. He always had been. Blame it on growing up under a microscope as the grandson of the world renowned Harper Avery, or on the fact that his mother had once been a meddler like no other. Jackson had never been someone to wear his heart on his sleeve. And as happy as he was about the direction things were going with April, Jackson didn't know if he was ready to share._

_"Because, if I were you," Callie continued, as she shifted her position and began to work on wrestling the patient's other hip back into place. "I don't know what you're waiting for. April is basically a free agent and you've been into each other for years."_

_Jackson's brow furrowed. "What do you mean?"_

_They'd never really been an official item back in the day. And even though in a gossipy hospital like Grey Sloan the secret of their sexual relationship had gotten out, as far as Jackson knew, most of his fellow surgeons had assumed that what he and April had had been purely physical. If they cared at all. Though the initial tensions that existed surrounding the merger with Mercy West had long since ebbed away, it still seemed to Jackson that he and April were never fully all the way accepted into the Grey Sloan fold._

_It was always just them. Jackson and April. They had each other's backs. No one else as paying attention._ _At least that's what he'd thought at the time._

_Maybe he was wrong._

_"Oh, come on Avery, I'm not blind," Callie grunted, tugging at the badly dislocated limb. "_ _I watched the woman run toward a burning bus to save your ass. And broody you only started to get really bad after she moved away...you liked each other. Probably more than that. I mean, I always thought Matthew was nice and all, but I've never really been one for the nice conventional types. So bland. And you two, a c_ _onventional love story would not make."_

_Carefully stitching together the damaged skin of their patient's arm, Jackson eyed Callie closely. She'd come just a little too close to home._

_"You don't know anything about it!" he snapped, instantly regretting the amount of passion that was behind his words. Jackson knew that by reacting so strongly, he'd as good as conformed Callie's line of thinking. He scowled and sighed._

_Torres pursed her lips and made a face, "Sure."_

_"Why do you even care?" he asked curiously. "It's my business."_

_A somber expression flashed across Callie's face, "I don't know. Mark was always interested in your business...I think he would care now. So I just...do."_

_The mention of Mark Sloan hit Jackson square in the chest and left his throat thick._

_The tension in the room was palpable, leaving both surgeons and their quiet anesthesiologist working in a stilted silence. Which made Jackson feel distinctly uncomfortable, as though he could feel the gazes of both the other women in the room watching him._ _He'd come into the room with good reason to be happy. He still had good reason to be happy. And it turned out that his moods mattered to more people than just him. There was no reason to hide or to let his tendency toward privacy impact the mood of this surgery._

_Nothing could bring Jackson down today._

_"We're going on a date tonight," he mumbled finally, unable to hold in the joy that kept him smiling. "Me and April."_

__Jackson's reluctance to share also had to do with the vague sense of insecurity he felt whenever he allowed his mind to fully think through the situation logically. He almost felt bad being so excited. _ _What if things didn't work out? _ _It was only a first date after all. He'd been on lots of first dates that hadn't. In fact, first dates in general were usually pretty much a crap shoot. Plus it wasn't like Jackson had even been on a real first date in a long while. He was rusty and could easily screw everything up._____ _

_Callie didn't point out any of that._ _Instead, her eyes lit up and she_ _squealed, pulling harder on their patient's leg, "What? Oh, yes. Details, details, details! Where are you taking her?"_

__As Jackson began to describe his plans, Torres tugged the leg in her hands one more time. T_ he patient's hip slipped back into its's socket with a resounding 'pop'._

_Right where it was supposed to be._

_The only thing that was different about this first date with April was the fact that he loved her. And she loved him. He'd never been on a date with someone he truly loved before._ _And as with bone and socket, Jackson had to hope that perhaps things with April could slide back together easily, even after a painful separation._

_Right where they were supposed to be._

Jackson watched as April approached the lane, carefully lifting her bright green bowling ball in front of her before launching it down the aisle and neatly knocking out the remaining two pins in her turn. A perfect spare. She practically leaped in triumph, causing the flowing fabric of her dress to balloon out briefly, like a parachute around her hips. Revealing just enough of her legs to make Jackson lick his lips and pull at the collar of his shirt.

He grinned as April gleefully spun around to face him on the slick soles of her rented bowling shoes, pointing directly at him in triumph. "Suck it Avery!"

Jackson chuckled and retrieved his own bowling ball to try his hand at hitting a few pins. Despite his skills and experience as an athlete, Jackson was being badly beaten. His basketball skills didn't really translate to the bowling arena. Not that he minded losing very much, because he very much enjoyed watching April, who seemed to be having so much fun. She'd always liked to win.

At least it seemed she wasn't disappointed about how the date was turning out. It had been a while since he'd gone on a date, and Jackson was happy that his last minute alternate plans for the night were turning out okay.

Rolling his ball down the lane, Jackson moaned as, yet again, the shiny blue object slid over into the gutter about half way down the aisle. Hearing a stifled chuckle from behind him, he turned around and held up a finger in amusement.

"Hey! What did I tell you about laughing at me?"

"I'm not laughing!" April bit her bottom lip and tried to hold in her giggles. "I'm not."

Jackson feigned offense, and pouted in jest, "You are!"

"Here," April offered happily. "Let me help you?"

Jackson's breath caught as he felt April come up behind him, arms wrapping neatly around his waist and torso pressed against the back of his legs. He stole a glance over his shoulder and grinned when he saw her darker eyes looking back at him with a beaming smile. He missed that smile.

"Okay," he agreed. "Show me how it's done."

April pushed Jackson toward the lane, running her hand down his arm and tapping the side of his bowling ball.

"You're twisting your wrist," she explained, as Jackson allowed her to guide his arm back in preparation to throw the ball. It was hard to concentrate though, given the close proximity and the way he could feel April's breath on his back.

She seemed unaware of her affect on him, or at least not outwardly acknowledging of her impact. "Throwing hooks are fun if you know how to do it right, but there's no need to try anything fancy yet. Just keep your throw straight and solid..."

Eyebrows furrowing in concentration, Jackson tossed the bowling ball down the lane, fully and almost painfully aware of the fact that April's hand rested like a ghost on his back. They both watched in excitement as the ball sailed down the center of the lane, gliding easily into the forward pin, and causing the rest of them to fall in it's wake.

Jackson's very own spare.

Behind him, April jumped into the air and clapped, "Yes!"

Glancing back to their table, Jackson noted that two soft drinks and an order of nachos had been delivered while their focus was on the game.

"Food's here! Are you hungry?" he asked, playfully leaning backwards and nudging her in the hip.

"Oh my gosh yes," April turned around and practically sprinted to her seat. "We were so busy today! Literally, all I ate was a banana."

_Jackson sighed as he sat in the waiting room of Bellevue Acute Trauma, glancing at his watch nervously._

_It was 8:47._

_Shit. So much for the reservation._

_The hallways of the trauma center was all a buzz with ambulance crews wheeling gurneys around. A summer evening boating party had gone wrong, sending 5 college age kids into the chilly Puget Sound, when their boat capsized. Mild inebriation contributed to the groups difficulty in working with the rescuers who tried to them. It had taken longer than anticipated to pluck the young people from the water._

_Jackson's eyes tracked the movements of the BAT staff, catching the briefest of glimpses of April as she orchestrated the complicated workings of her ER. He smiled wistfully._ _He was not alone in the waiting room. There were other people there too. Probably with better reason to feel anxious and disappointed than him. After all, worrying about a missed date reservation paled in comparison to worrying about the health of your loved one, even if the date was over a decade and a hassle of pain in the making_ _._

_From the other end of the hallway, April seemed to catch sight of Jackson._ __Her expression became apologetic._ She mouthed, 'I'm sorry'._

_Jackson found himself shaking his head. He didn't want April to be sorry. It seemed that the universe, for whatever reason, seemed to once again be sending them on a longer or harder path. Even on the night that was supposed to be their perfect first date._

_But he realized that it really didn't matter._

_He used his finger to gesture to the sign above the waiting room doors, mouthing a reply that he hoped April understood._

_'I'll wait.'_

_Things for Jackson and April had never gone according to plan._

By the time Jackson slid into the seat across from her, she was half way through her second mouthful of nachos. He was slower to grab his own chips, content to watch April in her joy at eating. She seemed to be glowing in the gaudy lighting of midnight bowling. They must look like quote the pair, a good 15 years older than most of the rest of the clientele, and dressed more for a fancy dinner than for a meal of greasy nachos.

Jackson tentatively reached across the table and laced his fingers through April's. She didn't pull away.

"How did you get so good at bowling?"

April winced, "Well...for a brief time, I was actually a member of a bowling league in Ohio."

"What?" Jackson's asked with raised eyebrows.

"In high school," April ducked her head and fidgeted with his fingers. "For like a year. It was terrible. My sisters all did sports and I thought it would help me make friends. I was actually kind of good at it. But it turns out the bowling team was pretty much made up of dorks like me. And no one liked us. So..."

"Bowling team?" he said softly, suddenly feeling more than a twinge of guilt at the turn of the evening. He hoped by choosing bowling as an alternate date he wasn't bringing up painful memories. Jackson didn't even know where the idea to go bowling came from. Really, it was probably because the bowling alley was one of the few places still open at this hour.

But April nodded happily, "Yep. My one foray into high school athletics. And it totally paid off because I am kicking your ass right now!"

Jackson couldn't help but smile with her. It was just so amazing to  _actually_  be sitting across from April. Not in an office for an hour. Not at work. Not hidden away. It was nice to just be with her, free and unburdened by the weight of everything that had come before. Out in the open. Regrets were irrelevant. Mistakes didn't matter.

"I'm letting you win!" Jackson countered with a self effacing grin.

"You're terrible!"

He snorted, "I kinda am, right? Without you, I'd still be stuck in the gutter."

"You can't be good at everything, I guess."

Jackson licked his lips and waggling his fingers suggestively, "So you admit, I'm good at  _some_  things? Because I can think of a few you used to like very much."

"Always circling back to things you're good at," April teased, blushing deeply. "You always want to be the best, don't you?"

"Only because I am the best."

April threw her head back and laughed. The deep loud belly laugh that had always surprised Jackson back when they were residents. The kind of laugh that exuded joy and peace and contentment. It was almost impossible not to join in. They laughed until April was dabbing tears from her eyes, and Jackson's stomach muscles strained.

"I haven't seen you laugh like this in years," he said, voice a little breathless from chuckling.

Using her index fingers to wipe tears from the corners of her eyes, April's expression turned more serious, "I probably haven't. I don't think you have either."

Jackson shrugged, thinking about his life in recent years. It really didn't include much glee.

"I guess not."

April bit her lip and looked at the table, "I'm glad we're laughing now."

Still holding hands, they ate a few more nachos in silence, seemingly lost in thought. The bowling date so far had been light and fun, as first dates should be, but Jackson knew that the magnitude of their entire history was not far from the surface. It lingered between the lines of every conversations. Pulsed through every single touch. Blared like a siren through the moments of silence.

It was like they were both afraid to talk about the past. And maybe they didn't have to.

By the time he was pulling up in front or April's apartment complex, it felt like the past was beginning to catch up with them. It was in that awkward moment right at the end of the date. One he'd always had a little trouble with. The moment of goodbye. Disengagement. For hookups the stage was much easier. It wasn't really the end, more of a transition between the dinner phase and the sexual phase. Easy peasy. But this was different. He knew he wanted it to be different.

It had been a long time since Jackson had been on a real first date.

He kept his hands in his pockets as he walked April to her apartment door. He watched in silence as she slid in her key and unlocked her door, before turning to face him. Jackson swallowed hard as he watched April lick her lips nervously. She seemed as uncertain and uncomfortable as he was with this stage of the evening.

"Uh..." April's eyes darted from Jackson's lips to his eyes. She reached out and gently pulled his arms, bringing his hands out of his pockets and holding them in her own. "Tonight was really fun."

He nodded, squeezing her hands and leaning close. "Yeah..."

"I really had a good time, Jackson."

They were so close that Jackson could feel her breath on his lips.

"I did too."

And then, before Jackson knew what was happening, April rose up on her toes and pulled him in to a passionate kiss. Somewhat reminiscent of another kiss outside April's door years ago in San Francisco. Not that Jackson had much time to process because then her arms made their way around his neck, and he found his hands getting lost in her hair and they were stumbling through her door and into her darkened apartment.

It was like a dam had broken and after years of  _not_  touching each other, it was all April and Jackson could do. And it felt amazing.

April moaned into his mouth, coming to a sudden stop as her legs backed into the small table on the far wall of her apartment's entry way. In an instant, Jackson's hands had slipped down the straps of April's bra and dress, and he was touching her bare skin in a way he hadn't in over ten years. He'd missed touching her skin. He missed touching her neck. Jackson loved her neck. He leaned forward and trailed a line of kisses down from her earlobe, allowing himself to get lost in her seemingly endless shoulders.

But the realization that April's hands were fumbling with his belt buckle pulled Jackson from his momentary reverie.

"Wait a second," Jackson gasped, pulling back. "Hold on..."

April's eyes were wide and she leaned against the table, snapping out of the moment and breathing hard. She held up a hand near his chest and gestured vaguely, beginning to ramble, "What am I doing? I mean, I don't know what we-if you don't want to, that's completely fine...I just thought...this moment felt like we-like you wanted to...you know. With me. Do you?"

"I do," he fumbled, licking his lips and taking in April's tousled hair and exposed shoulders. "I really do...but...I just..."

Jackson gazed at April intently, not quite able to articulate his trepidation about rushing into sex so quickly. The draw, the same force of attraction that had pulled them together in the first place, was just as strong as ever. And he could honestly say, looking back on his life, and all the experiences and encounters with lovers he'd had, April was the stand out. Not for any particular reason that Jackson could articulate or because of any one action that set her apart. April was simply the best lover he'd ever had.

Maybe just because she was  _her_ and it was  _them_. And they loved each other.

But the physical side of things for Jackson and April had always been like playing with fire, and Jackson felt that in some ways it had burned them before. As great as it was, sex had also been a part of the reason things had fallen apart. Because the more they'd gave into whatever magnetic force pulled them together physically, the less they'd actually communicated. And really, when it came right down to the bottom of things, Jackson knew that communication had been his and April's biggest failing.

And right now Jackson felt nervous. He hadn't had sex in a while, and he didn't know if he was ready to, in a way. He didn't want to fall back into old habits, and above all he  _did_  not want to screw up his second chance with April.

"Uh, I don't want to mess this up," Jackson struggled. He'd never been great at talking about stuff. "Not that I don't want this-I do, but I keep thinking about what happened between us. Before...you know. I just want us to be on the same page this time, you know?

April seemed to understand what Jackson was getting at, blinking and nodding, "We haven't even talked about what this is gonna be."

"Right," he nodded, gesturing to her exposed shoulders. "I mean, do you know if you want to have...I mean, if you can do... _this_  without feeling guilty?"

Sex outside of marriage had always been a problem for April before.

She blinked, "I-I think I do. It's...different now. I'm different."

"Okay," Jackson said, feeling a small sense of relief, but not entirely ready to give in. "So...we will. Once we know what we're doing."

Her brow furrowed and she tilted her head to one side, thinking carefully, "And what exactly are we doing?"

"I love you."

At least now, for Jackson that part was easy.

April responded without hesitation, "I love you, too."

"I had a really good time tonight, April."

"So did I."

"That's good," Jackson nodded. "So...we're just-"

The word just seemed to strike a chord that he didn't expect, because a flash of fear, real honest to goodness fear, appeared in April's eyes the moment it passed through his lips. For the first time all evening April seemed ill at ease. She broke his gaze, chewing the edge of her lip and looking at her hands. It tore into Jackson's heart. Even after a great date, even after a hot make out session that could easily have led to more and even after Jackson had literally just told April that he loved her, he could tell that she still had clear insecurity.

"Jackson," April interrupted nervously. "I-I can't do casual."

"Neither can I."

Jackson grinned.

He wished he was better at choosing words. He wished more words existed that could describe their situation. He could tell that deep down April's biggest fear was probably that this attempt at being together would end up exactly the same as the last time they were together. Confusion and pain and heartache. There was a part of him that feared the same thing. But Jackson was older now. Wiser. He knew that he was lucky to have this second chance at all. They both were. And there was absolutely no way that Jackson could be any sort of casual about April.

They were not and never could be a simple  _just_.

Jackson stepped back, kissing April on the lips one last time before moving towards the doorway, trying to ignore the uncomfortable tightness in the crotch of his dress pants. Glancing back he took a moment to admire the way she looked, still flushed and disheveled, backed up against the table.

"So..." April swallowed. "We're not casual."

"Nope. We're not casual and we're not going to get ahead of ourselves this time around," Jackson agreed, using all the willpower he had not to turn right back around, walk over and take her right there in the entryway. "Which is why I need to go."

Aware of his problem and clearly dealing with something similar on her end, April carefully lifted the straps of her dress back to her shoulders, "Yeah..."

"But I'll be back," Jackson promised with a grin, waving over his shoulder as he exited the apartment. "Goodnight, April."

"Goodnight, Jackson."

* * *

While most parents in the world hated the dreaded back to school shopping trip, April found that she actually enjoyed the experience. Maybe it was her love of themed stationary and cute little child sized office supplies, but it had never felt like a hassle to her. Even less so this year, because for the first time in a long time, April felt happy and comfortable with her life. So, when Matthew had not so subtly mentioned (yet again) how much he hated back to school shopping, April had just taken over the reigns completely.

Her ex husband's aversion to most forms of shopping (with the exception of food or camping supplies) wasn't new to April. Back when they were married she'd tried to force Matthew to join in. Now, pushing a cart through a crowded Seattle department store, April was content to help Jake and Lindsey by herself.

"Mommy?" Lindsey asked, holding up two sparkly plastic bags. "Can I get two lunch boxes? I love them both!"

Jake sighed and looked up at April with such a look of exasperation that it was all she could do not to laugh. As an almost second grader, he'd neatly fallen into the wise but long suffering older brother position, having spent the past several days answering his sister's continuous line of questioning.

"You don't even need a lunch box, remember?" he explained, clearly trying to be diplomatic. "You're going to kindergarten and that is only a half a day. They don't give you lunch in kindergarten."

Smiling, April continued pushing their cart down the store aisle, looking closely at the list from her children's future teachers. Frankly, she couldn't ever recall a time in her life, outside of her early childhood, when she'd ever felt  _this_ at peace with who she was and how she was living. Never mind the fact that it was going to be Lindsey's first year in school and she should probably be worried about her daughter's exuberant personality adjusting to the classroom. Or the fact that she should probably worry about Jake's ability to socialize with his peers, since he'd just spent most of his summer making friends with retirees in his drawing class at the community center.

All of these concerns occupied April's mind of course, but they didn't send her into a spiral of panic and endless worrying that they might have before. She knew that whatever challenges cropped up, things would work themselves out. She and her children had survived the breakdown of her marriage fairly well, if a little less idealistic, after all. They would survive and even be happy.

And her burgeoning new relationship with Jackson had a lot to do with why April felt the way she did. As her father often said, every time God closed one door, he opened a window somewhere else.

Her chance at a new relationship with Jackson was that window.

_Their second date was probably everything Jackson had planned for their first date, and it was ten times better than what April the resident could have conjured up in her wildest dreams. He'd gotten them a table at one of the most expensive restaurants in Seattle, right on the waterfront. Between the gleaming interior and the sweeping landscapes visible just outside the windows, it was not an exaggeration to say that the view was incredible._

_Not that April really looked at it much. She only had eyes for the man in front of her._

_A part of her still couldn't quite believe that she was actually here with Jackson. They'd never had a real date back during their brief and confusing relationship, and at the time April had just assumed (one of many wrong, but reasonably ascertained assumptions she'd made at the time) that Jackson was ashamed to associate with her romantically in public. After all, he was Jackson Avery. Gorgeous, wealthy, and so many other things women, including herself, swooned for. Then and now, he could probably take out any woman he wanted._ _Super models, politicians, big successes._

_People that mattered. Not insecure farm girls from Ohio who failed their boards._ _Today, April was a slightly less insecure mother of two, recently divorced, Harper Avery Award winner. Someone she could maybe believe mattered. Sort of._

_(Baby steps.)_

_Sometimes April felt like she was still just a weird girl from Ohio. The kind of person Jackson would never be interested in. The kind of person he should never love. But Jackson didn't make her feel that way, and she was getting a lot better at ignoring the doubting Thomas part of her brain. He said he loved her._

_And perhaps most importantly, now April believed him._

_"So," Jackson asked grinning across the table at her, blinking rapidly. "What do you think?"_

_"I like it," she replied, quickly reaching across the table and grabbing hold of both his hands. _She could tell there was a part of him that was nervous around her. Like he was afraid she'd change her mind and run out on him or something. Jackson was so sweet. It was incredibly endearing, but April wanted to to her best to erase his fears.__

_It was the least she could do, because in a lot of ways Jackson had played a role in easing her own anxieties._ _"When they say 5 star dining they really mean it. It's awesome!"_

_Jackson's sigh of relief was genuine, "Good. I'm glad. I was afraid...I don't know. I thought you might think it was too snobby."_

_Smirking as she glanced around the room, April squeezed his hands gently, "It is, a little bit. But then, snobby can be fun sometimes."_

_"I guess so," he chuckled. " _ _I actually haven't been here that much, but my mom loves this place. I wanted to make up for the bowling alley, you know?"___

_"I liked the bowling alley too," April added with a grin. "There's nothing to make up. I just like being out with you. I like being with you. I missed..."_

_She paused taking a moment to take in the scene around them, trying to imagine different rooms and locations where she might be spending time with Jackson. Nothing particular about them stood out. She could imagine no circumstance where she would ever truly be disappointed. Spending time with Jackson, after so many years of being miserably estranged, felt wonderful._

_"I missed us. That's all. Everything else is kind of just background noise, you know?"_

_His gaze fell to his plate and Jackson blinked rapidly. He seemed to need to swallow a few times, and April watched as he struggled to speak. She blinked back tears of her own when she her the thickness in his voice as Jackson finally spoke._

_"I missed us too."_

_Jackson was so sweet. And the more time they spent together, the more certain April felt about her entire life._

"But what about after?" the girl turned to her mother in a panic. "I still get to eat lunch after kindergarten, right Mommy?"

Lindsey put on a very brave and excited face, but April knew that her daughter did have some trepidation over starting school, and how the logistics of her newly divorced parents would impact her experience as a student. In Ohio, Lindsey had spent more time with her aunts than in childcare. But in Seattle, there were no relatives capable of looking after April's children.

"They give you food in daycare, sweetie," April explained, laying a reassuring hand on her daughter's shoulder. "Remember? After school, you are gonna go stay in the daycare at Grey Sloan. And then Jakey will come too, after his school finishes and then at the end of of the day Daddy or I will come pick you both up."

"The big hospital? Where Gramma was?"

"Yes. And guess what? Your friend Jessica Karev will be there too, because that's where her Mommy and Daddy work," April tried to put a more positive spin on the situation.

Jake seemed to follow his mother's lead and jumped in, "So even though you guys don't go to the same school, you'll still see her a lot, I think."

April nodded, "Won't that be fun?"

"Really?" Lindsey grinned, pumping a fist in the air. "Alright!"

They continued to shop, and April had figured that the topic was closed. She let the girl buy one of the lunchboxes anyway, because they really were cute, and April knew she could send the girl to school and daycare with a snack. This delighted her daughter even more and she squealed happily, holding the handle of the lunchbox in her hand as she twirled down the aisle. Jake rolled his eyes and April shook her head knowingly.

She was just doubling checking that their cart was filled with everything on both children's class lists, when her daughter piped up again.

"I'll see Doctor Jackson too?"

Surprised by the questions April blinked, "Huh?"

"When I am in daycare," Lindsey clarified absently, still enamored by her new lunchbox. "At the big hospital. Doctor Jackson works there. He took care of Gramma."

"That's true."

Lindsey looked up at her mother, "Will I see him?"

April chose her answer carefully, "Well...maybe, but he's very busy. He is a doctor and he has to do work on the hospital board. He has very important work."

"Okay."

April assumed that would be the end of things. She, Jake, and Lindsey continued their slow progress down the department store aisles. But after a beat, Lindsey piped up with another question.

One that nearly floored April.

"Mommy?"

"Yes, sweetie?"

"Is Doctor Jackson your boyfriend?"

April's jaw dropped and she struggled for a response, fully aware that as Lindsey's gaze was filled with expectation, Jake watched intently as well, with a much more serious expression. It seemed he understood better the loaded nature of his sister's question. April and Jackson had been on several amazing dates, and as far as April was concerned she wanted them to continue. She knew Jackson felt the same way.

While it probably looked a little weird to be thinking about the long haul this early in a relationship that had a pretty complicated past history, April didn't worry. In so many ways, this relationship was not new.

But April hadn't told her children much of anything about it. They knew that Jackson was her friend and that she saw him sometimes, but April hadn't really figured out how and when to explain the rest yet.

"Uh," she fumbled. "Why do you ask?"

Lindsey shrugged, "Well, when it's Mommy days and we're with you, Daddy hangs out with his girlfriend."

"Yeah," Jake nodded. "Terri. He talks to her on the phone a lot too. And they used to be friends."

April tilted her head, "Daddy told you Terri was his girlfriend?"

The boy's eyes lowered, "No. Not exactly. He just says she's fun."

She and Matthew had both agreed to wait until it was the right time to tell the children about their new respective relationships and to be careful in the children's presence to describe them as friendships. Clearly the kids were able to pick up on more despite that effort.

"I heard Aunt Kimmie say that mens and womens can't just be friends," Lindsey whispered, clapping her hands like she was thrilled to finally reveal this long held piece of gossip.

"That's not true!" Jake retorted fiercely.

Ignoring her brother with a glare, Lindsey pressed closer to her mother, "Because she found out Uncle Gary was going out after work with this lady. He says they were friends, but Aunt Kimmie said he was lying because boys and girls can't just be friends!"

Mentally cursing her younger sister's lack of filter, April's head whipped back and forth between her arguing children, slow to respond because she was still so stunned by the sudden turn of their conversation.

"Yes they can!" Jake interjected. "My friend Ruth is a girl!"

His sister scowled, "That's different. She's old."

His favorite classmate in his summer art class was a kindly woman in her early 60s. April wasn't entirely sure the relationship would help her son much in learning how to better relate to his own peers, but she was exceptionally thankful for the way the other woman had taken Jake under her wings. With his Taylor grandmother severely debilitated and his Kepner grandmother so far away in Ohio, Ruth Hernandez seemed to be filling a very important and necessary role in Jake's life. Especially in light of the divorce.

Jake uncrossed his arms and pointed an angry finger at his younger sister, "Doesn't matter!"

"Hey guys," April said sternly, finally finding her voice and pulling away from the shock of her kids argument. "Don't fight. Jakey's right. Men and women can be friends, Lindsey."

The girl wrinkled her nose, "I think boys have cooties."

"No we don't!" Jake snapped. "You're just being little."

"I am not!"

"Guys!" April interrupted again, resting what she hoped was a calming hand on both her children's shoulders and trying to steer the conversation back to the original topic. "If Daddy didn't say that Terri was his girlfriend, why do you think she is?"

Lindsey shrugged, "Jakey said she was."

Feeling his mother's attention turn to him, Jake hung his head guiltily, "I was looking on Daddy's phone. I saw a message from her about a date. Boyfriends and girlfriends go on dates."

April's eyebrows shot heavenward, "You  _what_?"

"I wanted to play Fruit Ninja and my ipad was out of battery," the boy continued, not making eye contact with her.

"You know you shouldn't play on Daddy's phone without his permission," April chastised. "We'll have to tell him what you did Saturday night."

"I know it was wrong," Jake agreed. "I'm sorry."

"But it's okay though!" Lindsey countered. "Because now we know Daddy's not lonely."

As if that made the whole thing okay.

April pressed, "Why did you think your Daddy is lonely?"

"Well," her daughter explained, as though it was all the most logical thing in the world. "Used to be all of us together in the house all the time, and now we not. And Jake and me getta stay together even if we are with you or Daddy. But when we're not with you, you or Daddy are alone for a long time by yourself."

Jake nodded, "And Ruth told me that when Mommies and Daddies get divorced that sometimes they might try to end up finding someone else to marry instead of each other because it is hard to be alone. And that's okay because it makes them happy and then they won't be lonely. And it doesn't change how they love their kids. If it does that means then the Mommy and Daddy might be having problems, but you and Daddy aren't like that."

"So Daddy can be happy with his girlfriend and not alone and you can be happy too," Lindsey concluded. "If Doctor Jackson is your boyfriend."

Jake reached out and held April's hand, leaning his body against hers and whispering earnestly, "We don't want you to be lonely, Mommy."

She felt a lump form in her throat as she thought about how unexpectedly amazing her children could be.

_No, April wasn't lonely. In almost every sense of the word._

_Dating Jackson meant that she could see him almost daily on her no kids weeks. And they communicated often, texting each other throughout the day. When they were together the conversation flowed easily and on the nights when she missed her children dearly, Jackson always knew how to cheer her up._

_April was far from lonely._

_But there was one aspect of their relationship that April did want to push a bit._ _Their physical relationship held as intense a pull as it ever did, only this time around it was leaving April intensely frustrated. She appreciated Jackson's concern about jumping into things too quickly, and saw the logic in taking things slower now that they were in a real relationship. April actually thought that waiting for sex this time around was actually a very good idea._

_However, there is a lot between a kiss good night and passionate sex. And she wanted more._

_Maybe April was just a hornier person than she gave herself credit for._ _She wasn't insecure about herself like the first time. Now, s_ _he was confident. And now she didn't see any reason why they couldn't at least enjoy themselves more, while still approaching the sex line in the steps of a more healthy relationship. It would probably be hard not to try to cross that line, because it was clear that they both very much wanted to. But April believed they could enjoy each other in other ways and still wait to go all the way when they were completely ready. April just had to convince Jackson that they could._

_But the words were a little hard to find. She hoped she wouldn't need them._

_They'd just finished eating dinner in and were watching TV side by side on April's couch when she decided to make her car. Leaning on to Jackson's chest, April began trailing kisses down the side of his head toward his neck and jawline. He murmured happily and turned to kiss her back. April deepened the kiss and crawled onto Jackson's lap, straddling him and reveling in the way his hands immediately moved to her hips._

_Whatever was on television was quickly forgotten. Making out was way more interesting._

_But, by the time April started moving her hips and grinding her body against Jackson's, she could tell that he was getting apprehensive._

_"Hey," Jackson murmured hungrily. "I should go...this is getting...I don't think we're ready to-"_

_April held his face with both her hands and shook her head. He always did this. As soon as things got a little too hot and they got a little too excited, he'd find a way to extricate himself from the situation. Once, April would have taken Jackson's actions personally. She would have thought that her boyfriend didn't want her. But now she understood that Jackson was afraid._

_Sex had been great for them the first time they were together, but it had certainly confused them both and played a role in how they'd hurt each other. But that was back then. It didn't have to be that way now. April liked to think that they were both a lot more mature and better at communicating now. Even when it was hard to find the words. At least it was easier to talk about this kind of thing with Jackson than it had been with Matthew. She'd never even had much of a desire to articulate her needs in this way with her ex husband. Yet another sign that ending her marriage was the right thing to do._

_And maybe she really was just a horny person. Either way, April was determined to change their new status quo._

_She used her thumbs to stroke Jackson's cheeks, "I know, but I think we're getting close to being ready. And I need a little more."_

_April kissed his lips passionately. Jackson responded in kind, and they made out for a few more minutes before Jackson tried to squirm out from beneath her._

_"We...I don't wanna mess this up."_

_She leaned back in frustration, "Jackson!"_

_He eyed April guiltily, "I'm just- if we keep going down this road, we might not be able to stop, I might not be able to stop and then...I mean, we're close to being ready but I-"_

_"I think we can have the self control to know that line," April countered, carefully trailing her hand down to the crotch of Jackson's pants and using her other hand to guide Jackson's fingers beneath her shirt and bra. "And I want us to have fun. Together."_

_His eyes widened when April began to undo the zipper on his jeans, making April's frustration grow._

_"What?" she demanded. "We have hands and mouths and there's so much we could do!"_

_Jackson still looked kind of_ _stunned._

_April crossed her arms and pouted at him, "The P in V isn't the end all be all of intimacy, you know? It's great, but it's not everything. You kind of taught me that."_

_He licked his lips, "Whoa."_

_Their initial couplings and relationships had taught April so much. Despite being a virgin, April had never really considered herself to be a prude exactly. But beginning on that night in San Francisco, Jackson had showed her just how much she didn't know about how wonderful physical intimacy could be. It was more than traditional sex. It was hands and tongues and dangerously pleasurable puffs of air on places that April had never even imagined being touched. Those were the memories that guided her hands during her most frustrating and unsatisfying times with (or without) her former husband over the past ten years._

_That kind of intimacy, with Jackson, was something April craved. But maybe he wasn't really ready. She frowned and ducked her head._

 

_That pulled Jackson out of his stun. He used his hand to lift his chin, "Hey...don't. You're right. I'm-you are totally right. There's a lot we can do. A lot of things I want to do."_

_"Really?"_

_"Yeah, of course," he chuckled. "Believe me! I have plenty of things I think about doing with you. I just don't want things to get messed up between us."_

_April leaned forward again and kissed his forehead in reassurance, "They won't. I promise."_

_Jackson's hands began roaming up and down her back, "Okay."_

_She sighed breathlessly and began moving her hips against the bulge in his jeans._

_Groaning happily, Jackson smirked, and kissed her nose._

_"The P in V, huh?"_

_April's giggle was cut off by the sharp intake of breath she needed to take when she felt Jackson's hands slip into the cup of her bra._

_She was far from lonely._

"So?" Jake prodded. "Is Doctor Jackson your boyfriend?"

In all their conversations about how and when to introduce the children to the idea that their parents were dating other people, it have never occurred to April and Matthew to decide how to respond if the child asked them about it outright. They'd (clearly wrongly) assumed that Jake and Lindsey were both still to young to worry about or notice things like that.

Not so.

And now it seemed that the cat of Matthew and Terri's relationship was already out of the bag. And pretty much hers and Jackson's too. April supposed they'd just have to handle it. She would talk to her ex husband about it the next time she saw him. 

"Yeah, Mommy," Lindsey piped up. "Is he?" 

"Yes," April replied, clearing her throat. "Yes he is."


	14. Chapter 14

Jackson lingered uncomfortably outside of the hospital's care center for school age children. It was located on the first floor separate from the facility on the upper levels for smaller kids. At this time of day, the usually active and loud hallway was quiet and all but deserted, save for one remaining on call attendant. The hospital staff had odd schedules so the childcare facilities were virtually open 24/7 in some capacity but tonight, most of the facility's students had already long since gone home for the day.

All but two.

There, on a bench near the door, Jake and Lindsey sat, side by side. The last children there.

Swallowing hard, Jackson paused in the doorway, taking a deep breath before he crossed the threshold. He wasn't used to doing this.

"Hey guys," he said tentatively, walking into the entry way of the care center.

Lindsey looked up and waved, "Hi Doctor Jackson!"

Jake looked up and offered Jackson a small wave accompanied bright smile. He felt some sense of relief. The children were both clearly happy to see him.

It wasn't like he hadn't spent time with April's children over the past few months as they pursued their new relationship. He'd gone with them to the park, and to the movies and made dinner at April's apartment for the four of them to eat. Hell, they'd even gone to a pumpkin patch together. Slowly but surely, as April and Matthew became more comfortable and secure in their respective relationships, they'd began allowing Jackson and Terri to interact more and more with the kids.

Thinking about the anger and the fighting he'd observed between April and her now ex-husband, Jackson was very impressed at how dedicated and united they were about ensuring Jake and Lindsey's well being. That kind of unity of purpose had seemed like an impossibility when the two had almost come to blows in April's office mere months before.

Jackson honestly wasn't sure how he would react in the same position. Then again, he wasn't a parent.

Yet?

And he didn't really know how Terri felt about it, but Jackson was getting more and more used to Jake and Lindsey. The gnawing pit of resentment toward them that he once felt and feared would be aggravated by their presence had evaporated. Yes, Jake and Lindsey belonged to Matthew Taylor. Yes, they represented a part of April's life that Jackson had not been part of. A part he'd once wanted to wish away, because of all his own mistakes. Mistakes that had helped push April Kepner to leave Seattle and marry Matthew Taylor in the first place.

But in reality, the reality that Jackson was living, where April had come back to him and they were together and things were better than he could ever have imagined, she had spent the better part of ten years with another man and had two children by him. And now, Jackson finally felt okay about that.

It didn't bother him that Jake looked just like his dad because Jackson didn't feel angry at Matthew anymore. It didn't eat him up inside to hear Lindsey talk enthusiastically about her upcoming 6th birthday party because he'd let go of his anger over all the lost years.

His mom was right. Letting go of the anger and bitterness over lost time, was the first step to starting something new and wonderful with April. With out all the misunderstandings, lost opportunities and time apart, they wouldn't be where they were now. And what he had with April now was amazing. He couldn't remember feeling this happy in a long time.

Maybe ever.

Owning up to his part in what had happened and letting go of what couldn't change had been the start. It had also allowed Jackson to begin to start build a real and deeper relationship with April and her children.

But, Jackson had to admit, he wasn't used to interacting with Jake and Lindsey alone. Without their mother.

As he approached their bench, Jackson smiled faintly at the way the children eagerly scooted apart, leaving a space for him and patting the seat in a gesture that demanded he sit down and join. That's what they'd all done really. Jackson and Terri and Matthew and April and the kids. Slowly, they were learning to make space for each other in their lives.

"Thanks," he said, easing himself into the spot between the brother and sister.

"What are you doing here?" Jake asked the obvious question, as a hint of concern flashed in his eyes. After all, he had been expecting his mother to pick him up. "Are Mommy and Daddy okay?"

"Yes," Jackson reassured quickly. "They're fine. They're just kind of busy. Working together actually...see there was an accident at the ski run-"

"A valanche?" Lindsey asked excitedly, waving her arms in the air and letting her hands drift gracefully downwards like two giant snowflakes. "With all the falling snow?"

Sometimes, Jackson had noticed, she had a weird interest in natural disasters. She also seemed to be in a phase of trying out newer and bigger words, with varying degrees of success.

Her older brother leaned across Jackson's lap and corrected Lindsey, enunciating each syllable, "Avalanche. Av-a-lanche."

"So, they're still at work?" Lindsey continued with a small pout, waving off her brother's language lesson.

"Yeah," Jackson explained. "Some people got kinda hurt, and your Daddy is bringing them to your Mommy's hospital."

"My Mommy and Daddy help people get better," the little girl nodded in pride. "Daddy finds 'em and Mommy fixes 'em."

"That's right," he agreed with a smile. "So...your mom called me and said she's sorry she'll be late. She also asked if I could hang out with you for a bit. She thought it might be more fun for you than just waiting for her. I'm not on the list to take you guys home for the night, but I can stay with you two here in the hospital and keep you company until your parents finish working..."

It was April's week to care for the kids, but circumstances at Bellevue Acute Trauma had caused both herself and Matthew to be stuck pulling overtime until more of the ski patients were stabilized. Normally, with both parents unable to pick up the pair for the night, Jake and Lindsey would either remain with the night attendant at the care center. April had thought it might be less boring for them to wait for her with Jackson instead.

 _If_  he had the time of course.

As if she thought Jackson wouldn't make time for her or her family. He was chairman of the board for crying out loud. He made his own schedule. And he'd do  _anything_  for April.

He eyed the children carefully, "That sound okay?"

Uncertain as to how Jake and Lindsey would respond, Jackson released a breath of relief he didn't know he was holding when they both erupted with a string of gleeful questions.

To his left, Lindsey squealed, "Can we get ice cream?"

"Can we see your desk?" Jake tugged at his right arm.

Eyes growing wide as inspiration struck, Lindsey pulled at the object around Jackson's neck, "Would you let me see your ethel-scope? Mommy lets me see hers..."

This was the first time April had ever suggested Jackson keep them company. Which kind of felt like a big deal, even if she'd made her suggestion casually. This was the first time April was trusting Jackson around her children. Alone. Without her guidance. In their new relationship, if there was one thing Jackson had learned, it was that in April's life today, Jake and Lindsey were the most precious of all.

More and more he was seeing -up close- just how much motherhood had changed April. And where Jackson had trepidation before about how much April had changed over the years, now he could say he very much liked what he saw.

_Unable to stop himself from eavesdropping, Jackson smirked, stirring the pot of pasta carefully as he listened to April talk on the phone with her son. It was Jake and Lindsey's week with their father, so as had become the norm for the couple as fall turned to winter, April was spending dinner (and the night) at Jackson's apartment. _Even on weeks when Matthew had the kids, April always tried to get caught up on both Jake and Lindsey's days before they went to bed.__

_"You did?" she asked excitedly. "2nd grade class historian? That's awesome kiddo! Tell me everything."_

_There was a pause and then April clapped her hands with gusto. And Jackson paused in his stirring to take a peek at the woman he loved. Her hair was down and s_ _he was sitting on a stool, leaning against his island counter. She'd kicked off her shoes at the door and her bare feet tapped against the stool as she gestured some more. Talking with as much animation as she might have if her son was actually in the room with her._

_April beamed, "Of course they like your drawings. You are a very talented artist!"_

_That wasn't an overly exaggerated 'mom' observation._

_Jackson lifted the spoon to his lips, testing the sauce he had boiling next to his pasta noodles. He'd seen some of Jake's pictures. He liked drawing comic style sketches, and while Jackson was no expert on drawing, he'd been surprised at how polished the drawings of an elementary student could be. Jake had illustrated a hilarious and sweet caricature of a grumpy Alex Karev at the hospital Halloween party a few weeks back. _He really did have talent._ Jo had left it posted on Karev's office door and Jackson was surprised to note that the pediatric surgeon had yet to remove the drawing._

_The sauce was done and so was the pasta, so Jackson turned off the burners and reached to his cupboard. He readied two plates as April continued her conversation._

_"Well, of course they like you, Jakey," her voice softened. "You are a wonderful boy. You're a great big brother, an excellent son, and a great friend."_

_Another pause, during which April furiously brushed tears from the corners of her eyes._

_"I know so! Trust me. And I also know that you are going to do such a good job being historian for your class this year. They couldn't have made a better choice."_

_By the time Jackson had finished readying their plates, April had said her goodbyes to both Jake and Lindsey and had moved to her now usual spot next to his chair at the dining table._

_Setting the plates down and offering April a fork, Jackson grinned, "Sounds like the vote is in?"_

_"Yes!"_

_The whole decision to run for class historian was a pretty big surprise to everyone._

_Jake was kind of a shy kid, and he'd taken moving to Seattle a lot harder than the rest of his family. Though, according to April, it seemed the boy usually took things harder than the rest of his family. From what Jackson had seen, Jake seemed to try to take on a lot of the responsibility for his family's well being._

_It was a position that strangely resonated with Jackson. He could see some of the boy he'd been in Boston with his mother and grandfather in how Jake was with April and Lindsey and Matthew._ _Jake wanted to protect the people he loved at all costs._

_So did Jackson._

_Even April was a little concerned about the class election, when Jake told her he wanted to run for the position. He'd promised a personalized comic drawing of every student in the class as well as an online album for every field trip. Jackson thought that was a pretty solid platform for a 2nd grade campaign, but April worried Jake would lose. She didn't want Jake to be disappointed or hurt by the sting of potential rejection and Jackson could understand her concern._

_"I'm really glad he won," April said proudly, but not without a small measure of relief as she took a sip of wine. "I mean, he has trouble making friends sometimes. At least, he had some trouble in Cleveland."_

_Jackson twisted long strands of pasta on his fork and shrugged, "He seems like he's_ _been doing well here."_

_"It is definitely better since the move. I mean, he's probably never going to be a social butterfly, but at least he has a couple school friends now. He's been doing so well, but I still worry about him, you know?"_

_A ghost of a smile appeared on Jackson's lips before he took a bite of pasta._ _"Of course you do, April. You're his mother. Mothers worry."_

_Oh, what he knew about mothers who worried about their sons._

_Catherine Avery would probably never admit it, and for most of his life Jackson hadn't quite understood it, but she worried about him. He'd always thought (maybe even a little bit feared) that his mother's constant badgering and insistence on being so involved in his life stemmed from his own failings. Jackson had long believed his mother lacked confidence in his abilities. He'd thought she was disappointed in him._

_"I know, I just...wish I could make everything go perfectly for him..."_

_Only in time, Jackson learned how wrong he was._

_All those years of meddling and nosy phone calls had nothing to do with what Catherine Avery thought he wasn't capable of. She thought he was capable of moving mountains. He realized now that sometimes his mother had far more faith in Jackson than he had for himself. She'd made him one of the youngest medical board members in the country because she knew he could succeed. Catherine had complete faith in Jackson's ability to take over the Harper Avery Foundation. She also had the faith that he could work things out with April._

_Catherine's nagging and meddling came more from the place inside of her that didn't want to see him get hurt by the world. That was really what mothers worried about._

_At the same time, Jackson had also learned that the world hurt everybody in some way or another. That was just life. What mattered was learning how best to respond. And mothers were often the very best teachers._

_"I know you do, but that's not really how it works, is it?" he soothed, swallowing his mouthful of food. "Things won't always go perfectly for Jake. Or Lindsey. All you can do is be there when they don't."_

_April frowned sadly and poked listlessly at her food. "I just...with him, I-I feel like I-like it's my fault when-"_

_She pursed her lips and fell silent, gazing at her food intently._

_Jackson's brow furrowed. Throughout their new relationship, April generally gushed about her children or shared surface level concerns about their grades, behavior, or happiness. But something in the tone of her voice told him that this ran deeper._

_And, while it wasn't as though they hadn't discussed deeper issues with each other in the short duration of their new relationship, the moment felt weighty somehow. In fact, they'd already covered their fair share of tough conversations regarding past choices, communication, religion, and sex. But this? This was deep. And it wasn't about the two of them as a couple._

_"What do you mean?"_

_"Lindsey..." April's voice wavered and she looked away from the table. "Lindsey can just walk into a room and own it, you know? Doesn't matter what she does or how she acts. No matter how goofy or how loud. People are drawn to her. People like her. And she likes people. I love that about her."_

_Thinking of the bubbly blonde child, Jackson murmured affirmatively, not wanting to interrupt the flow of his girlfriends musings._

_"Matthew's kind of like that too, you know? She got it from him. He's more shy, but..." April swallowed continuing in a whisper. "Matthew is easy to like. Lindsey is easy to like."_

_Sensing some of where April's train of thought was going Jackson reached out and rested his fingers against her fork gripping hand. He tried to soothe, "April-"_

_She cut him off however, apparently determined to finish, "_ _Jake tries hard. But...it's not easy for him. _ _With Jake, sometimes people read him as cold or rude because he's so quiet and-w__ hat he gets from me isn't...It makes it so that dealing with people is not easy for him. I'm not easy to like. We're not easy. It took me a long time to learn to understand people and to make them understand me. I'm afraid it'll turn out the same for Jake. So, I just...I hate seeing him struggle."_

_"April, you and Jake are easy to like..." Jackson explained sincerely. "I can attest. Even when I didn't want to like either of you, I just couldn't help myself. You didn't give your son anything bad."_

_His comparison garnered a small smile, but it faded quickly, replaced with a frown._

_"I...I gave him a ton of emotional baggage that I shouldn't have. More pressure than I should have," April sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose. "Matthew and I both gave him that. Sometimes, I'm afraid Jake gets so nervous and shy because of us...be_ _cause he senses why he...how he came to be. With Lindsey it was different, I guess, I was more ready and we weren't so lost and I was so afraid she wouldn't even_ _-"_

_She stopped short, eyes widening for a moment before she shook her head, "It was different. It was different with Lindsey. But Jake? In a lot of ways, he was born to make us feel better."_

_Squeezing her hand and running his thumbs in soothing circles across her palm, Jackson listened intently. This, he suspected, was the real crux of the issue on his girlfriend's mind all evening._

_Guilt. Regret._ _Emotions Jackson was intimately and painfully familiar with._

_Jackson knew well the ways a mother's love weaved into her worries, but he knew about moms with guilt too. And he knew exactly what it felt like to have regrets._ _He'd spend ten years of his life wrapped up in and blinded by guilt and regret. These were the emotions that kept a person stuck. But now Jackson had learned to get out of a rut of feelings. Now, he'd learned to forgive and to be free. With a little help from his own mother._

_Carefully, Jackson slipped off of his seat and moved to the other side of the table, kneeling quietly by his girlfriend's side, clinging to her hand._

_Still looking straight ahead and seemingly unaware of Jackson's movements, April grimaced and shook her head in disgust. "Born to make his parents feel better. To make our marriage feel more real. To change the focus off of problems we both knew about and didn't want to face. And I knew all of that and I still did it. I still decided to have a baby-two babies- because I thought it would make things better for me and Matthew. That is a lot of pressure and I think on some level, Jake must feel it. Who puts that on a child? It's not fair and it's totally my fault."_

_Jackson could see all the features of April's sorrowful expression in profile. The curve of her lips, the tears rolling down her cheeks, and even the small shadows cast just above them by her long eyelashes. Out of the corner of her eye, she must have seen his gaze because in an instant she covered her face with her hands and began to sob._

_Now that was anguish._

_Jackson sighed and ran a hand along her back letting her cry. Clearly April had been holding this in for a long while. Funny what a minefield a simple question about a second grade student council election could turn out to be. But Jackson didn't mind._

_Maybe all his own painful experiences really could amount to something. He'd built April up before. Mutually reassuring pep talks were how they'd forged their friendship long ago, and it was something he thought they'd both probably missed in their years of distance. He understood now just how much April's support meant to him-how much he needed her, and the fact that she'd finally chosen to open up to him in this way proved to Jackson that she needed him just as much. She'd been there for him after his grandfather died and when he'd doubted his worthiness of love, and he was more than willing to return the favor._

_"Hey," Jackson soothed after a few moments, leaning his head on April's shoulder and holding her close._ _"You did the best you could with what you had."_

_"I hurt people- I hurt Matthew. And Lindsey. And Jake."_

_"Yes."_

_Her voice quivered, " _I hurt you."__

_Pressing a kiss to her lips and looking her right in the eyes, Jackson continued, "N_ _othing can or would be changed. Right? Maybe you made some mistakes along the way, but so did I. So does everyone. That's life. Without those choices we wouldn't be here right now. Your kids wouldn't be here. And I get that you feel bad._ _You have to acknowledge and live with that. Feel the pain of that. But a very wise woman once told me to deal with what is coming or what is possible now. Be present with the situation as it is."_

_April still looked doubtful so Jackson turned his head to whisper in her ear, "And so much is possible now. For you, for Jake, for Matthew, for Lindsey, hell even for Terri and me. For us. For all of us. Because of your choices; because not all of them were bad."_

_"But Jake-"_

_Jackson leaned back and beamed at his girlfriend, "Is doing just fine. He won his election. He is happy and healthy and loved by his parents. Jake is going to be okay."_

_Finally she wiped her eyes and turned to face him, offering a small smile at the excitement and pride that she heard in Jackson's voice, "You think so?"_

_Using his thumbs to wipe the tears from his girlfriend's cheeks, Jackson nodded, "Forgive yourself, April. And if he ever understands or feels any of the things you are afraid he will, Jake will forgive you too. I know it's a hard thing, but you have to forgive yourself."_

_He pressed his forehead to hers._

_"Trust me."_

_April sniffled and finally wrapped both her arms around his neck, pressing her mouth near his ear and whispering a barely audible 'Thank you'._ _Jackson knew the road was long, but he also knew that there were wonderful things to be found when you made it to the other side. And he was confident that April would take his advice and get there as well._

_They stayed in that position for a long time, Jackson kneeling beside April's chair with her arms wrapped around him like she didn't ever want to let him go. It was nice and he certainly didn't mind staying that way, but the moment was interrupted by a rather loud gurgle emanating from Jackson's stomach causing April to giggle._

_"We should eat now..." she said, brushing her hair behind her ears nervously, with a remaining hint of tears left in her voice. "You're hungry."_

_"Yeah," Jackson agreed sheepishly, as he moved back to his seat._

_Their eyes met across the table and Jackson could see that April was still thinking deeply about what he'd said. He offered her a small grin as she swallowed hard and lowered her head. There was an awkward silence as they both start eating again._

_April was the first to break it, "Sorry to ramble on about my kids like that-during 'our time'. I know I shouldn't-"_

_"I don't mind you talking about them, you know," Jackson said honestly, watching his girlfriend with a small grin. "Even when you're here with me. _They're a part of your life. And now mine too._ I like your kids."_

_He liked them a lot._

The evening was not at all what Jackson feared it would be. Turned out taking care of two children on his own wasn't a total disaster. Sure, there had been bickering, and Jackson had had to wrangle Jake and Lindsey apart a couple times due to disagreements about food options and mispronounced words, but on a whole he felt confident in saying that the three of them together worked really well.

Jackson had taken Jake and Lindsey to the cafeteria and treated them to whatever they wanted to eat (which turned out to be chicken nuggets followed by pieces of pie, and ice cream), under the deal that they tell their parents that they ate a healthy dinner. Then he took the pair down to the basement for a little tour of the hospital's ever growing set of 3d printers, whirring away on their evening print cycles. Which both Jake and Lindsey seemed to love, for their own particular reasons.

As soon as they entered the room, Lindsey skipped ahead, weaving up and down the rows of humming machines with glee. Soon she was so far into the room that Jackson could barely see the top her head as the gentle swish of her blonde braid as she looked from side to side.

"Be careful," he cautioned gently, doing his best to track the little girls movements across the large room.

Jake, in contrast to his sister, stood still beside Jackson, hands clasped carefully behind his back as he peered with fascination into the printing bay and watched the creation of a cardiovascular valve. The organ was about half way to completion, the translucent plastic seeming to glow in the dim light of the machine, just like Jake's wide eyed face.

A familiar face in profile that for once didn't only remind Jackson of Matthew Taylor.

Feeling mildly more secure about leaving Jake at the front of the room, Jackson quickly moved to follow the Lindsey in her nerve wracking frolic.

"How does it do this?" she immediately began to pepper him with questions, waving her arms and coming dangerously close to bumping the precious machine. "How does it make Ore-gons?"

"Organs," Jake's distracted but ever present exasperated correction was heard over the sounds of the printer. "They're organs, Lindsey."

"Careful with your arms," Jackson chided carefully, trying to guide the girl toward the center of the aisle without hurting her feelings. "These printers are very important and pretty fragile. I don't want you to bump one."

To his surprise, Lindsey didn't seem phased by his admonishment. Instead, she slid her small fingers into his gazing up into his eyes brightly with a small grin. So open. So curious.

"Okay Doctor Jackson."

So trusting. Of  _him_.

Jackson wasn't entirely sure he deserved that trust, given the role he must have played in her perspective in the demise of the family life she'd always known. He'd been angry with his father as a child when he'd come to understand that Warren was the reason that life had changed. He  _still_  felt rage at his father for making him feel unworthy of love. He could only hope that his own happiness had not come at the expense of April's children.

But then again, Lindsey's experience of divorce was turning out to be very different than Jackson's. Her father had never left her, for one thing.

Perhaps that had made all the difference. Parents are the foundation upon which children build their lives. Jackson certainly knew the impact of his father's absence and his mother's presence in his own life. And though Matthew and April weren't together, they were both there. And Jackson could see- they were both better, stronger, and healthier, divorced than they'd ever been while together. A more solid foundation for Jake and Lindsey.

Maybe she just didn't understand everything that had really happened yet. Maybe she was just more forgiving. Either way, Lindsey's simple gesture- grabbing Jackson's hand- had caught him completely off guard.

"Doctor Jackson?" Lindsey prodded, squeezing his fingers to pull him back into the room. "Does the printer get sleepy?"

And so began what felt like a game of 20 questions as the little girl continued to pepper him with questions. Lindsey wanted to know everything about how the seemingly miraculous 3d printing machines worked. So, Jackson explained to the little girl that the printers used instructions to make replacements for different parts of the body. He explained that his old friend Cristina Yang had pioneered using 3d printing in surgery, and that the printer could make pretty much anything if given the right set of instructions to follow.

Lindsey seemed a little disappointed to find that printers did not indeed have reason to actually 'sleep' or dream.

Jake's line of questioning was much shorter and much more simple. He stepped back from the machine he was next to, pointing to the object inside, "What is this going to be?"

"It's going to be a new part of a sick person's heart," Jackson explained, leading Lindsey back toward her brother and the door.

The boy frowned, "And they'll get better? With the new part?"

"We're going to do our best to make sure they do," Jackson said carefully. He didn't want to lie to Jake. Transplants and implants and surgeries in general didn't always have happy endings. So he tempered his explanation. "Outcomes for this kind of procedure are actually pretty good. Much better now that we have these machines."

Jake nodded sagely, taking Jackson's other hand and squeezing it gently, "I guess sometimes you just need a new part to get better, huh Doctor Jackson?"

The words took his by surprise as much as Lindsey's easy trust. He couldn't be quite sure if the kid was talking about heart transplants or their own recently changed lives. Probably both. Something in the boy's eyes and voice made Jackson suspect it was something deeper. April was so worried about her children's well-being (which was fair; that's what all good moms did after all), but Jackson continued to be amazed by just how wonderful his girlfriend's children could actually be. They didn't scare him or intimidate him. They didn't seem to hate Jackson, which he thought would have been the more likely reaction. They didn't resent him. He didn't resent them.

Jackson was  _glad_  to have Jake and Lindsey as new parts of his better life. And as far as he could tell, the kids seemed happy to have him as a new part of their lives as well.

"Yeah..." Jackson replied, taking both children out of the print room. "I guess sometimes you do."

* * *

It was late when April finally arrived at Grey Sloan Memorial Hospital. Well after midnight.

Fortunately, it seemed that the Friday night here was turning out to be far quieter than it was at her own hospital. For the past 10 hours Bellevue Acute Trauma had been inundated with a litany of injured ski and snowboarders. It had probably been the most intensive set of patients she'd had to lead the trauma center through treating. BAT got their fair share of car pile ups, and even a building collapse in April's short time as chief. And, now that the weather was changing, she supposed there would be more winter related traumas.

Fortunately, her staff was trained well, and all their preparations and drills paid off. It had been all hands on deck and April could say she was proud of all the personnel involved. Even her ex husband, now partnered with a brand new male rookie (it seemed like Nicole Benton wanted to take no more risks after what happened with Matthew and Terri), given his new relationship. The young paramedic had been clearly nervous, given the severity of a lot of the injuries, and April had observed Matthew's calm and experienced guidance as they pair dropped off patient after patient.

All in all, she felt like BAT weathered it's highest case load very well. All the patients survived long enough to be stabilized and transferred to regional hospitals. April couldn't really ask for a better outcome.

Though, she did feel as though she could do without the headache.

April strode purposefully through the near empty Grey Sloan ER massaging her temples gently hoping to ease away the pounding in her head. The intake nurse smiled brightly at her as she quickly made her way past intake towards the elevators, and despite the dull thud of her head, she was hard pressed not to smile back. April hadn't worked at the place in years, and it always surprised her how many of the remaining doctor's and staff seemed to remember her. Perhaps she was more memorable than she realized.

More likely she'd lived on due to the infamous GSM gossip train. Either way, April felt it was nice to be recognized at a place that was such an important part of her past.

When she reached the door of Jackson's office, her smile grew and her headache seemed less acute. Her boyfriend and her children were curled up on the plush leather couch near Jackson's desk. All asleep and faintly snoring.

At peace.

She paused in the doorway, resting her achy head against the door frame and taking a moment to observe the three people she loved most in the world. Jackson was in the middle, with head leaning back against the wall behind the couch. On his right side, enveloped by Jackson's large white lab coat, Jake was sprawled across the side of the couch and across Jackson's legs. On the other side, Lindsey curled against Jackson's chest, wearing his stethoscope and blissfully unaware of the neon green post it note that was on her forehead, just barely stuck on her blonde hair.

Walking carefully into the room, April squinted at the writing. She leaned forward to try to get a closer look, and her movements made Jackson stir.

"Hey," he groaned, stretching his neck and lifting up his head and opening the gorgeous blue eyes she loved so much to watch her closely.

"Hi," April greeted quietly, lips curling into a small grin. She noticed that Jackson too had a post it note stuck haphazardly on his forehead. She moved to the front of the couch and plucked it from his face, and reading her son's looping handwriting.

Raising her eyebrow playfully, she tilted her head to one side and inquired about the word, "Octopus?"

"Oh..." Jackson chuckled softly, keeping his movements slow so as not to wake up Jake and Lindsey. "That's what it was. I thought it was spider but then Lindsey said Ursula- I couldn't get it..."

"What?"

"For the game," he explained, still sounding groggy. "I don't remember what they said it was called. You write down a word and then you stick it on someone's forehead and you give them clues to guess. You can't say the word obviously, but sometimes, Jake could actually figure out a good rhyme and-"

April couldn't help but beam at Jackson as he slipped off into an uncharacteristic, but nonetheless adorable ramble.

"That's a game?" she teased when his words trailed off into a yawn.

"According to your children, it is."

"So everything went okay?" April asked, feeling suddenly timid, biting the corner of her lip. "When I asked you to hangout with them, I had no idea it would take this long. You could have taken them back to the care center and gone home...I feel bad-I know you have that big budget meeting tomorrow and well tomorrow is already today so-"

"It went fine, April. Don't worry. They had fun.  _I_  had fun. I'm always sleepy at board meetings anyway," Jackson's chest puffed out proudly, looking down at Jake and Lindsey's slumbering forms.

April thought she saw his arms tightening around them. Just a little. And there was something warm in her eyes that made her throat feel thick.

He shrugged, "At least this time I'll have two very good reasons for yawning."

April could only smile.

Her boyfriend smiled back, and gestured to Jake and Lindsey, "Let me help you get these two to your car."

When he moved to hand April her daughter, Lindsey's arms wrapped tighter around Jackson, mumbling in her sleep.

"Docta Jackson?"

"Yeah," Jackson answered rubbing gentle circles on the little girls back. "Your mom is here to take you home."

"M'kay," Lindsey replied drowsily, not fully awake, given the shock her next words brought to both the adults in the room. "Love you...

April's eyes widened and in an instant her head throbbed again as her body surged in anxiety and doubt. She had no idea how Jackson would respond, and she knew it was probably awkward for Jackson to have another man's children say they loved him. She knew that he was accepting and even enjoying spending time with her and the children, and he'd been totally amazing a few weeks previous when she'd had a little guilt related freak out after Jake won his class election, but April feared that was more about  _her_  than Jake and Lindsey. She knew there was also a part of him that had once been a little uncomfortable with them. April also knew her kids were both surprisingly attached from Jackson right from the start, back when they'd met him in Boston at her Harper Avery Awards ceremony and the day spent touring Boston. And since the divorce, both Jake and Lindsey were both adjusting well to spending time with both Matthew's girlfriend Terri, and with Jackson.

But April's moment of anxiety was over before it could even really begin. Her boyfriend didn't seem phased by her daughter's words at all. In fact, quite the opposite.

"You too," Jackson whispered without hesitation, kissing the top of Lindsey's head as he gently removed his stethoscope from her small frame. "Shh...Go back to sleep."

April took her daughter in to her arms and watched as Jackson slipped his lab coat off of Jake who still slept soundly. Together, they gathered the children's belongings and made their way back through the quiet halls of Grey Sloan Memorial and into the parking lot to April's car.

It hit April then, as they were loading the kids into their booster seats, while Jackson was double checking the latch of Jake's safety belt. He was so gentle, sliding the metal into the buckle as slowly and quietly as possible, doing his best not to disturb her two slumbering children. April didn't feel the need to mention that the car ride would always lull the drowsy children back to sleep if they woke. That she and Matthew had done many a car transfer where Jake or Lindsey woke up briefly only to have the drive pull them back to sleep and that it was okay to just slide the buckle normally.

What mattered was that Jackson cared.

And then it hit her. He'd be good. As a parent. And not just in the abstract, panicked, rushed kind of way she'd briefly contemplated the idea so many years ago. It was more than 'having an awesome kid' and 'being awesome parents', as Jackson had comforted April during the pregnancy scare that had ultimately determined so much of the courses of both their lives. That day was the first time April had ever really considered what Jackson would be like as a parent. As a father.

In the ensuing years, she couldn't deny that the thought had her mind again. But it was one thing to imagine what it might be like to have a child, but it was something entirely different to actually see him take care of her own children so well.

April realized that he would be good.  _Really_  good.

If only given the opportunity to experience parenthood himself.

A lump formed in April's throat. In this new relationship, Jackson and April communicated far more than they ever had before. They talked about goals and expectations, fears and insecurities, sex, religion, the serious and the mundane, and everything in between. They talked about everything.

Almost.

Outside of the children April already had and the baby that never was all those years ago, the subject of parenthood (and whether Jackson wanted to experience it) had never come up. Given the conversations they'd had about his own relationship with his father Warren, Jackson's feelings on the subject weren't entirely a mystery to April. But whether or not he wanted to experience fatherhood himself was still an unknown for her. Not that they really should be talking about it really; after all they'd only technically been together for a few months. Then again, they'd fallen into a deep and committed relationship and had both pretty much admitted that this was it for the both of them. Neither Jackson nor April ever planned on being with someone else.

So perhaps the subject of parenthood and whether Jackson wanted to experience it was a conversation worth considering.

Suppose Jackson didn't? Clearly he wasn't opposed to having children around, considering he never declined to spend time with Jake and Lindsey. For the past 6 years, April had been sure she was done having children with Matthew, and she guessed that she could be at home with the idea of being done having children in general if Jackson didn't want to experience parenthood.

But suppose he did? April wasn't sure it was a wish she would be able to grant. Physically or emotionally. Lindsey's pregnancy had not been easy. And the memories weren't exactly easy to let go of.

_There was blood on her shoes._

_At first April didn't really notice it, after all she was a trauma surgeon. And the patient in front of her had a perforated lung and was coughing up blood and at first April thought it was his blood. And the ER was and had been crowded all day, filled with bleeding cuts, and everything else, and it just never occurred to April that the blood on her gown and shoes would be anything more than the usual collateral damage exacted on her scrubs by an active emergency room._

_It was only when her head became light and she felt a painful twist in her abdomen that April looked down past the small bulge of her belly to see that the blood running down her legs actually came from her._

_The chaos of the room seemed to slow down, drown out by the thudding in April's ears and the fuzziness in her head. The panic rose in her chest and it felt like she couldn't breathe._

_No! No, no! _She was only 20 weeks.__

_Her fellow, Dr. Casey frowned in concern as April swayed on her feet, "Dr. Kepner? Are you alright?"_

_No, no, no, no!_

_April suddenly felt faint, and put down her instruments with shaking hands, surprised to find that she'd slowly slid to her knees._

_"Get her a gurney!" Casey seemed to understand what was going on better than she did. " _Somebody page OB! 911! Now!"__

_No, no, no, no, no!_

_"Oh, God."_

Closing her eyes briefly to shut out the memory and rubbing her hands together in the chilly night air, April swallowed hard. Everything was fine. Lindsey was snoring in the back seat. She was fine. They'd been fine.

Everything was fine.

She leaned back against her car as Jackson finally stepped back from the car, closing the door behind him.

"Uh, thank you again," April found herself blurting awkwardly. "So much. I really appreciate you taking the time to stay with them."

Jackson shoved his hands in his pockets and leaned forward to kiss her cheek, "No problem. Really. I'd love to do it again sometime."

"Be careful," she teased, slipping her still cold hands into his pockets and standing on her tip toes. "You might end up stuck on babysitting duty all the time and then..."

He looked at her curiously, tilting his head to one side, "And that would be bad?"

April rested her head against Jackson's shoulder, reveling in the comforting warm feeling of his arms wrapping around her shoulders. She closed her eyes and breathed in his familiar smell.

"No," she replied finally. "It just gets me thinking."

"Oh..." Jackson chuckled, tapping his fingers against April's back. "Thinking...thinking. Always thinking. What about?"

Once, April would have been terrified to reply. (Hell, she was still terrified) Once she would have fallen all over herself to hide the crazy places that her mind went. Once she would have thought it was easier to just keep her worries all bottled up.

Once she would have been afraid of losing Jackson because of her thoughts.

But that was then. Both Jackson and April were very different now.

She sighed, "Kids. I'm thinking about kids."

"Okay," Jackson replied haltingly. "Your kids...your kids are great. I didn't break them."

Letting out a small chuckle, April bit her lip and twisted her cold hands "Yes. I'm thinking abut my kids...and I guess I'm-I guess I am wondering about you."

"Wondering?"

Still unable too look her boyfriend in the eyes as she mumbled the question that plagued her mind, April curled closer to his neck, "Do you-would you...have you ever thought about it? Having your own kids, I mean?"

She could feel the tension rise up in Jackson's shoulders the moment the words left her lips. April knew it was bound to be a touchy subject for him.

"I know, I know..." she winced. "I know it's late right now but also early for us to even talk about this stuff and I know it's not one of those conversations we can just handle in five minutes next to the car."

Jackson sighed and she could still feel the tension in his body, but she could also feel a smile in his cheeks, "We've been here ten minutes."

"Yeah, sorry, I just-Seeing you today? You're a natural. Jake and Lindsey liked you right off the bat too, you know? Way back in Boston. And you were good with them then too. You'd be a really good Dad. And I just...wondered if you might...want that someday. To be a father."

"Oh..."

Hands still in Jackson's pockets, April dared to lean back and look him in the eye. His gaze was focused upward, deep in thought as his brow furrowed.

"We don't have to talk about this right-"

"I might," Jackson interrupted her. "I never really thought about it, you know. Despite what my mother might hint at, kids didn't ever seem to be in the cards for me, you know? With my Dad and everything...and without you...I just stopped thinking about it. You think I'd be good?"

April blinked, "Of course. You'd be great."

Jackson's eyes drifted over her shoulder to the window behind her, gaze settling on the children in the back seat of her car, "Is that something you'd want? More than two?"

"I didn't. Not with Matthew," April explained thickly. "When I was younger though, I always thought I'd want more but...well, you know I had a really hard time with Lindsey and I'm not young anymore and I don't know if I could  _even_  have another baby-"

Jackson pressed a kiss to her forehead, whispering gently, "I know that was hard for you..."

Breathing deeply, April's eyes darted to the back seat. Everything was fine. Lindsey was snoring in her booster. She was fine. They'd been fine.

Everything was fine.

She hated the way her voice shook and she cleared her throat and continued, willing herself to lighten the mood, "But, I could see myself with you...I could see us raising a child. If that was something we really wanted to do."

"Of course, we'd have to go all the way...actually have sex," April joked, twisting her hand in his pocket, brushing up against the inside leg of his pants.

It was both amusing and  _incredibly_  frustrating how careful he was being with their physical relationship. And once April and Jackson had talked about it, she understood his reasoning. Agreed with it even. Sex and poor communication related to the topic had contributed to their downfall a decade ago. The had to be sure they were solid this time around. Maybe it was weird, but it also felt right. Responsible.

Now, they'd gotten so close, kept getting oh so freaking close, all  _but_...in fact that last time an emergency page from Grey Sloan was the only thing that had stopped them. They were going to seal the deal soon. It was inevitably close at this point. Whatever self control they had was wearing thin.

Pagers be damned.

Jackson gasped as her hands danced dangerously along the outline of his crotch and his words came out in a strangle, "Yeah..."

"But-" April relented with a sigh, pulling her hands from her boyfriend's pockets and reaching for her keys. "It's late and like I said, this isn't exactly the kind of topic we can just resolve in ten minutes by a car...I was just thinking."

Opening the driver's side door, April leaned up to kiss Jackson goodbye before sliding into her snore filled car. He held the door open for her and then rested his fists and chin on top of the frame. He frowned.

"It could be."

"What?" she asked tiredly, drumming her fingers against the steering wheel. "What could be?"

"This topic can be resolved in this conversation. Right here, right now." Jackson answered calmly, holding up a finger to prevent interruption. "You know what? I am happy being with you. I am  _so_  happy being with you. And I never want that to change. And maybe being with you means we have a baby together someday and that would be great and I would love that. I would love to do that with you. Or maybe being with you means we adopt one and we go through that experience together. That'd be great too."

His eyes focused over April's should again, darting back and forth to her eyes.

"And maybe being with you means we don't have any children together. Either way, I get to be happy, and to be someone important in a lot of people's lives. More You brought two great kids into my life and if stepfather was all I get to be, it's enough. I would be humbled to play even a small role in their lives. I am happy to do that. Whatever we decide in the future will be right. I'll be happy if I get to spend it with you. So don't worry."

Sometimes April was reminded that even if she spent 24 hours a day thanking God for all the amazing changes her life had undergone in the past year, she could never thank Him enough for giving Jackson back. For guiding her on the path that brought them back together.

"You..." April shook her head fondly, surprised to find that she was blinking back tears. "You are pretty great, you know that?"

"So I've been told," Jackson quipped cockily, dodging to one side when April reached out to smack him. "Goodnight, April. Drive safe. I love you."

"I love you too."


End file.
